Dawns eyes Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Today is day 1 or technically day 0. I just received the text that he needs to get himself together and that we can no longer be together. He does not want me I have no one for support because our relationship was a secret. We were together two years. He has a terminally ill daughter and he didn’t want to appear selfish or happy while she suffers. He was my Best friend and soul mate. I am completely rocked. You would think we are young and foolish but we are 36 and 40. Everything was perfect up until two weeks ago. His daughter ended up in intensive care for a month. I was there for him day and night. Whatever he needed and as much as he would let me. When she got out of the hospital, he was different, very depressed and distant. We fought often and he kept telling me he was struggling. I would not listen. We hadn’t seen much of each other the last couple weeks. His choice not mine. He always made an excuse. This week he told me that he can’t continue, he is struggling with depression and beats himself up for hurting everyone around him. He said he can’t be happ with me and then watch his daughter struggle everyday. I understand but love him. Today I did the worst thing. .I begged and begged and cried. He totally shut me down. I am devistated. I have no support because no one knew we were together. I don’t think I have the strength to do NIC. I am sorry if this is not the right forum. I am new 2
juniorrocha Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Hey... I'm currently NC too, it's been 7 days. The first 2 days were the hardest, I couldn't leave my bed or would walk in circles in my room for hours. Then suddenly I got an urge to get going with my life, I went back to exercising and I am now focusing on my stuff, that I've been putting away for so long. I forced myself to do so, even not wanting in the slighest bit. Now it's been 7 days and my heart is still heavy, but I can see an improvement. He needs time, so I think you should let him have his time and work on your stuff. Go out with your friends, start something new, make new friends, start a new hobby, clean something you've been putting away... anything helps to keep your mind busy. Don't let yourself down, get up and do something about it. I know it's very hard sometimes, but it's all we can do to get past this issue. It seems like he's confused, so let him have his time to clear his confusion. 1
sooshi Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) Dawns_eyes, I am sorry for the pain you're going through. You've come to the right place to express yourself and to receive support. It's so hard and painful when someone we love so deeply doesn't want us in their life, or in the way we want them to. It sounds like he is carrying a great deal on his shoulders, and that almost inevitably spreads into the relationship. Needs weren't being met anymore, and communication abated. That tends to happen when we are experiencing depression. You've most certainly been a great cheerleader and supporter for him. It hurts so much, but now is the time to be a cheerleader and supporter for yourself. Know that you can be with someone, and it doesn't have to be a secret. Someone who will communicate with you. Someone who doesn't carry the world on their shoulders. I feel for you. You are worthy of happiness. Take care. Edited May 27, 2016 by sooshi 1
Satu Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 This list might not seem important to you right now, but it's actually very important. Are you eating enough, and eating healthily? Are you drinking enough water? Are you exercising? Are you getting enough rest? If you are on any prescription medications, are you taking them as prescribed? Are you spending time with other people, family and friends? Are you getting out of the house enough? Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol? Are you keeping up with your responsibilities? These are the things you need to do before you do anything else. Take care. 2
urmysong Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Yes LS is a great place to have someone to talk to. It's been almost 3 months since he broke up with me that we cannot be together anymore, that we are not lovers anymore and never will be again. Takes time...but I am improving. I am spending my son playing his cars, toys and video games. Go for jogging zumba and gym to keep myself busy. And spending time on LS. If it's meant to be, it's really meant to be. You will never have to force anything that is truly meant to be...(Michael Fiore) 1
Author Dawns eyes Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I am so grateful for this site and the support. I am so lost. I feel literally like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I don’t know how to get up. The hardest thug for me is thinking he doesnt care and that this is easy for him. I am not a cruel person but I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want him to come crawling back and admit he is wrong so I can reject him like he has rejected me. I know this is cruel but it’s what I am feeling. I really want to know what he is thinking. 1
sooshi Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 You are in pain and you are angry. You feel rejected and tossed away. Your heart is broken. It's okay to feel what you feel. If you ever feel like contacting him, you can post on here what you want to say to him. It's good therapy. Take care. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 {{hugs}} everybody feels like the rug got pulled out from under them when they get broken up with. You feel that way because that is exactly what happened. Don't beat yourself up for feeling up-ended. Your whole world just changed. That doesn't mean it won't change back. Do you have a BFF or close family member nearby? Confide in that person to get the comfort you need. Whatever his needs for secrecy were, since the relationship ended you are no longer obligated to keep his secret. Do what you need to get some comfort. Anybody who loves you won't judge you for trying to help him not look like he was happy while his daughter is dying. It really is OK for you to open up because you need the help. 3
keiji Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I am so grateful for this site and the support. I am so lost. I feel literally like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I don’t know how to get up. The hardest thug for me is thinking he doesnt care and that this is easy for him. I am not a cruel person but I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want him to come crawling back and admit he is wrong so I can reject him like he has rejected me. I know this is cruel but it’s what I am feeling. I really want to know what he is thinking. "He doesn't care" is not necessarily true. He's going through a lot and it's very hard to sense what's in his mind and his heart right now. An ex-girlfriend and me broke up just when her dad was diagnosed a terminal cancer. Her way to deal with the breakup was totally different from mine. I couldn't underestand how she could disappear from my life in such a radical way, but, essentially, me and the relationship took a backseat and she devoted herself to her dad entirely. Then her father died and she started mourning both her absence and mine. Don't be too hard on him, nor on you. His situation is of an unfortunate exceptional nature. 1
sooshi Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 If you're able to afford therapy, I think it would be a worthwhile investment to make, even if it's just a few sessions. It really helped me, as my therapist was able to facilitate discussion into the root of why I was feeling what I was feeling, and what I really wanted, and she really helped me see things more clearly. She was very rational and did not judge me. After a few emotional sessions, I felt empowered and ready to tackle life. Our time together was an important factor in the healing process. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 If you're able to afford therapy, While I am an advocate of therapy, the OP has only been broken up for 1 day. There's no need for professional intervention at this early stage. It's grief. It's an emotion. It's a sucky miserably one but it's not a problem. If she doesn't work through her grief in a timely manner then therapy will be appropriate but time & self soothing are acceptable treatments at this point.
sooshi Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Haha, you're right, d0nnivain. I had forgotten that she had only been broken up for one day. Thanks for noticing and pointing out my error, and I agree with your sentiments. 1
Isittolatenow Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I'm 35 & my ex is 38, so I know exactly what you mean with the age thing. I'm on day 0 today, for the 2nd time. Don't know how to deal with all of this, the first time NC was absolutely necessary, this time I know if I text he would reply and that's what's making it harder for me. Hope you're doing ok today
Simon Phoenix Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I noticed you put NIC instead of NC. I hope the "I" in NIC means Not In Contact instead of Not Initiating Contact. If you are trying to do the latter (not initiate but respond if and when he does), it's not going to be very helpful. Full No Contact is the way to go to get yourself back.
Author Dawns eyes Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I never thought about it phoenix, I guess in my head I am doing full on NC but my heart is satiny NIC Isittoolatenow I adimre your strength in knowing that NC is completely necessary. I wish I could be that sure. I know that if I texted my ex he would reply also but it would just be another firm of rejection. He would try and communicate another "nice" way to let me down. It is hard. I almost wish I would know that he would not respond so I could feel angry rather then hope and then rejection. We are both starting over and can get through together
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