ThisisIt606 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I've been dating this guy for a little less almost 2 months now. Things have moved very fast and I'm just not feeling it. The chemistry/spark/attraction is just not there for me. He's very sweet to me; text every AM wishing me a good day at work, suggested we call each other, and then we talk on the phone each day after work, he always arranges the next date, he said he would really like to be my bf, and brought me a HUGE bunch of flowers one day after work/before dinner (said they were for a good job/my performances over the previous weekend... one show of mine he attended) While I know these are good qualities, and I have TRIED to have feelings for him... I'm somewhat repulsed by his touch. The physical aspects aren't satisfying at all for me. He also seems to have a hygiene issue which I don't know how to bring up! He leaves a lot of dandruff on my sheets, armpit odor, bad breath, dry lips, and worst of all his foot odor. It's getting warmer and he claims not to have spring clothes... as result he wears these thick socks with dress shoes. I asked him to "open up the back door" to air out the apartment (not saying it was bc of his feet). I literally have to freeze my couch, sheets, and bed after he leaves. I DO have a very sensitive sense of smell, so to the "average" person/smeller it may not be as big of an issue, but it's very hard to have any romantic moments with something like this. He doesn't take his contacts out before bed and once flat out refused to brush his teeth at my place bc he "just wanted to pass out". I pretty much forced him to shower (before getting into my clean sheets), and I think he just rinsed and didn't use soap, bc he smelled pretty much the same after. I have no desire to cuddle with him, and often try to delay physical aspects as much as I can with him. He seems similar to me in terms of his childhood/background but I just can't create a chemistry that I'm not feeling. It bothers me that he doesn't work out. I know some of this may sound superficial but if someone smells, it's very hard to be intimate with them. The s*x is also very boring. He asks me what I want, and I have told him in the past, but it just doesn't work and I've given up. I just wait until it's over... he says "that was amazing" and I'm just left unpleased and happy when he leaves. I have become so unhappy and I panic thinking about any type of LTR with him, because I just don't want that and I feel he does (since he was so quick to want to be my bf). There was a commercial on TV about turning 30 and I made a comment "wow, I can't believe that's so soon for me!'" (we are both 28 now) And then he cuddled and kissed me "We'll get through it!" And I was thinking excuse me??? I've know you for less than 2 months and to make a passing comment about turning 30 together seems a over eager and a bit like he's stuck in a fantasy land. Point is I know I NEED to end it and I want to, I'm just so unhappy. But how? I was thinking in person.... since it's the most direct/mature way. What sorts of things can I say without being too hurtful? Something like... I've enjoyed getting to know you, but the chemistry just isn't there for me, and it's not something I can or want to force. I appreciate how nice and generous you've been towards me but I'm just not feeling the connection. It's not fair to you either to continue this, and you deserve someone you can truly appreciate how since of a guy you are. I was thinking of suggesting a walk... and then doing it then. Ideas? I don't want to drag this on
Mrin Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I think what you came up with is fine. Just do it soon 3
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Less than 2 months? You really shouldn't need to over-think it. Something like... I've enjoyed getting to know you, but the chemistry just isn't there for me, and it's not something I can or want to force. I appreciate how nice and generous you've been towards me but I'm just not feeling the connection. It's not fair to you either to continue this, and you deserve someone you can truly appreciate how since of a guy you are. Yep, sounds good but don't call him nice. He's probably heard that before and is sick of it. 2
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Do it ASAP. I think it was awful to mislead him for 2 months. I am sure you knew after a few dates that you were not attracted and you were put off by his poor hygiene. 10
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Oh and I'm not a fan of the "dumping date". What's the point in getting together with someone just to be told it's over and then drive home again? Waste of time and money for everyone concerned. After just 2 months, a phone call is perfectly fine. 7
deadparrot Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 That sounds fine. The sooner you do it, the better. The ugly thing about being the dumper is that there's no nice way to do it. You have to make it very clear that you do not have romantic feelings for them and never will. He sounds like a good guy, so be as gentle as possible, but assertive enough that he knows that you're not going to change your mind. Good luck.
Toodaloo Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Get it done sooner rather than later. Personal hygiene is a must. Yes people do sometimes smell and fart etc but he seems oblivious and doesn't seem to care. No way would I have sex with that so all credit to you for trying. Seriously though. Next time save your vagina for someone who washes and is a great guy too... they are out there. Face to face is probably best but not on a "date". Pop round to his house or like you say go out for a walk from his place. Do it asap though. You will feel like a weight has been lifted.
preraph Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I'm not into the dumping date either because it usually begins with the dumpee being nice and then getting dumped, so it's humiliating for them. You have to leave them somewhere or suffer in silence if you came there together. Whatever your primary communication has been, use that. The sooner the better. The more time someone has invested, the harder it is for them to move on. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Unfortunately he probably was so into you because you were probably the only person in a long time to give him a chance! He might even be use to this, but my suggestion is to let him down gently through a phone call. Some guys ( and girls I use to be the same) are so use to getting dumped they get angry and bitter but there is that sense of " I'm use to that revolving door so he might get a bit pissy with you, say " I'll never talk to you again" or whatever but he is just manifesting his negativity and hurts of getting rejected over and over again. Usually people with hygiene levels that are not so great, are use to getting rejected but until they do something about it, they're dating life will still stagnate. You do have to do this soon. The guy is probably so relieved that someone took him on that he is in la-la land. I had a guy that pursued me for years. Even after I told him no and never. Till this day he doesn't give up, after all, I was nice to him and I gave him a chance. He doesn't give up that easily.
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Aw man. Doesn't he KNOW? Doesn't your body language or the words you say kind of indicate to him that you're not happy or attracted to him? Do you fake affection? Or does he just persist blindly throughout the constant hints at his lack of hygiene? You say you talk every day after work. Do you keep him sweet or try to friendzone him? Because maybe that's the beginning of the way you could end it. Start brushing him off for dates. Don't be as enthusiastic. It's only two months, anyway. You have no attraction to this guy and it is obvious he's repugnant to you and seems to make little effort to sort those types of problem out. But I sense even if he did, there'd still be no chemistry. I don't know how people keep on going so long with people they aren't even attracted to! 1
joseb Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Why have you dragged this on for two months if you are so unattracted to him? I couldn't do that for two hours. Break up with him now before wasting any more if both your time. Personally I think a phone call is ok. 2
Buddhist Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Good God. Why the laundry list of apparent faults? Isn't it enough that you've just decided to end it? Justifications not necessary. Maybe you should just call him and say, hey it's not working for me, see you later. Quick, painless, easy. Much better than a breakup date where you will sit there emptying out your laundry list of things which are wrong with him in order to justify no commitment. 2
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Well In the past I had dated a guy for about four-six months. I was confused because I was use to getting rejected at that point, for all the men I liked, they never liked me back. So when a guy liked me ( even though I wasn't interested in him) I was just so grateful that someone liked me that I continued seeing him even though I felt uneasy in his presence and a little controlled. I kept thinking, my feelings will change eventually because I am grateful as I should be that this man would take me out to dinners and pay for things and treat me so nicely. But there was no chemistry! and I tried to force my feelings because I wanted to believe that my long term single status was about to change and again I was so appreciative of the experience. Eventually it got too much for me and I had to break up with him. But still to this day he tries, he invites me to things and continues to ask me out. I don't think he'll ever let go unless I get engaged to someone. Some people out there will continue to date guys that they are not attracted to, because the fear of being alone is too much for them to handle. Not saying that's the reason for OP, but it certainly was for me and for other people out there.
joseb Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 . So when a guy liked me ( even though I wasn't interested in him) I was just so grateful that someone liked me that I continued seeing him even though I felt uneasy in his presence and a little controlled. Ok, please do not do that anymore! It's incredibly selfish. You are wasting his time and causing him to miss opportunities, as well as leading him on and causing him a lot of pain. And he will not even be enjoying it either because his gut will be telling him something is wrong.
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 You can never 'force your feelings'. Because feelings cannot be forced. They either exist or they don't.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Ok, please do not do that anymore! It's incredibly selfish. You are wasting his time and causing him to miss opportunities, as well as leading him on and causing him a lot of pain. And he will not even be enjoying it either because his gut will be telling him something is wrong. well he didn't get many opportunities and neither did I. It was selfish, I wanted to experience something I had never experienced! I won't do it again but I'm saying that that is a reason why some people pro-long a dating situation. " I haven't been in a relationship in several years, he likes me, he'll do" I know people who have MARRIED because of that idea. I'm not getting rejected and this person likes me. He has a pulse, that's good enough. Terrible but it happens.
preraph Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Daisy, yes, there certainly are quite a few people out there who just get lonely enough to settle for someone they're not nuts about. I guess it depends on how much you need another person in the room. Others do it out of fear and financial fear. I want every young person to live by themselves and work one or two jobs and support themselves and learn to be on their own so they do not at least make bad decisions out of fear of the unknown.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 anyway, the point is, if you are prolonging this relationship, ask yourself WHY and for pete's sake, if it doesn't feel good in this experience, it's not right and it won't last. End it through a phone call and go work out the reason why you stayed in a relationship with someone that makes you feel repulsed! My reason, desperation and attention. I worked out the reason why I wanted to stay and now I know not to go through that torturous experience again.
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