He left me for someone else and it's feels intense. What now?

[toastytiger]

Helpful thoughts, hmmm. Not to sound mean, but you're young, he's not that young anymore. You have your whole life to go be happy and find someone. You seem to want to learn and grow, he seems to want to stay the same and play games...which don't work much longer once you hit 41. Next thing you know you're 50 and have no one to play games with anymore.

 

Not sure if that makes sense to you. It's what I am doing. I'm 42 and recently dated one of my good friends of 15 years, she cheated on me also. She's 50 and desperately seeking with no luck, and being very selfish and immature about it. I never told her I knew she did, I just let her play her games on me and blame me for everything, which she did. Like you I had written out an email, letters and thought I had to let her know everything before we went no contact. I wrote lots of letters, never sent them.

 

The urge to get everything out there and somehow think that will make moving on and NC easier is a fantasy. As bad as this sounds, and I am his age...you're young, go crazy, date, have a blast, experience new folks, go to concerts, go to bars, dance, have flings...his days are numbered with that. His games are over soon. Try and think of him and him having a short shelf life, and you having a long one.

 

I know it hurts, I know it's hard...don't waste your time worrying about him or who he is with. Easier said than done, I am going through it now.

 

It's hard but you need to move on and seeing them together I am sure did not help...time. Be patient, love yourself, improve yourself, grow, get out there and live your young life vs. his soon to be old man games.

 

Thanks captivating and giggles.

 

Doesn't sounds "mean" or "bad" at all. It's true. I am young -- and I have a lot of time and opportunity ahead of me. A lot of time to grow.

His time is limited and I feel repulsed that he acts so immature for his age. I wonder sometimes, if I just happen to have been on the receiving end of some sort of mid-life crisis?

 

Anyway, it is roller coaster for sure. But I got this. He's really not that great anyway. I have the capacity to feel grateful for the experience. And I'm glad I'm no longer a prisoner of his wishy-washy, selfish behavior.

 

Will continue to avoid him like I do cheese. Cause cheese is old, moldy, and makes me gassy.

[toastytiger]

I still don't quite understand this breadcrumb thing. Does it count if I don't want to get back together with my ex, but would like to be on friendly terms? Is that a silly question?

 

It's been 2 and a half months since he broke up with me and started seeing someone else.

One month since I've really started moving forward and feeling good about myself.

Minimal contact is happening and we've hung out a few times as friends.

 

Out of nowhere, I've been feeling sad and missing him these past few days though. I wonder if seeing him is making it harder or easier?? I mean on one hand, I have gotten a lot of closure out of it -- I am able to see that he misses me and that the relationship actually meant something to him. On the other hand, am I unconsciously receiving breadcrumbs? Maybe a tiny secret part of me are still hoping... Or maybe I'm losing touch with myself and setting poor boundaries. So confusing!

 

If that's the case, I am getting giant breadcrumbs. He has said things like I'm feeling sad because I miss you, value you as a friend, I love you, thank you for sharing precious time with me, I saw pictures of us two years ago, the memories are hard...

 

I mean I don't want him back and I had even started dating someone else. (Though it's kind of dwindled out now -- still was nice) I have fun when I do see my ex and don't feel awful afterwards. I still feel attracted to him though... And I still have small amounts residual pain from how we separated.

 

I read that breadcrumbs are only meant for the dumper's ego and for them to feel better about themselves as a person. However, I feel that staying in touch with him does the same thing for me! It kind of feeds my ego and makes be feel like a better person because I'm not on bad terms with someone, ignoring them, and holding a grudge. I also like showing him that I'm moving on and am doing well enough to be friendly.

 

I feel like some folks on here may be strong advocates for "cut all contact, being friends is stupid, delete him from your life" Which makes sense. (and I'm open to people talking some sense into me if needed!) I know space and time are crucial for healing. But is full NC necessary? Is it really the case that I can't benefit from light, friendly interactions?

Anyone have experience with minimal and friendly contact after a break up?

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Breadcrumbs is not even a term in my dictionary...

 

You may not want to be together but you are left with a feeling that would just go on for longer if you continue seeing him. The fact you are writing this now means it bugs you and makes you uncomfortable. You can't be friends with someone you loved! This is my moto in love and it's absolutely true. If I stay friends with an ex for me it means that no feelings were real or our love was just a fling and nothing else OR it means that somehow we are trying to reach each other's hearts and click again as in being together.

 

So:

 

1. Friends with an ex if it doesn't bother you then it's ok but obviously it does... this should tell you something right now. You may feed your or his ego but is that necessary? Isn't it better to just move on and be happy with your lives.. time is short here people.

 

2. Not being friends for me is the ONLY thing left after relationship ends. Because if you stay it may mean that love is not over. It is not gone completely there is still stuff you guys have to live through together. This is what it means. Or it may mean that you didn't had any REAL feelings. Remember I use "REAL" as in real feelings not just a fling, small infatuation and such.

 

I used to break up with my ex constantly probably we broke up 4-5 times. Each time my friends were like ooh cheer up you will get back together in a week. A month later we got back together because we kept contact. We may have not reached out every day in a week but it only takes one time to go have a date, kiss and make up. This is what I meant by love that is not finished. You still have a common path together.

Now things are different... I threw all stuff that remind me of her away, she blocked my phone, NC and it doesn't look we have anything to fight for anymore. All bridges are burnt so this means why would I want to stay friends considering my heart will crumble seeing her without me or going with someone else. I don't think she wants that either.

 

Given all that I say to you if you really don't want him back stop all connections. At least this is the way I cope with a lost love.

[guest569]

I get it. I would feel an ego boost if my ex was contacting me and saying he misses me. It would hurt me in the long run though, I believe it will just drag things out because it would make me think of him more. It sounds a bit like you're just trying hard to justify that being friends is a good thing and that you're completely fine with it and that it is harmless. I'm not really buying it, but maybe that is bias from one of my breakups where I couldn't bear to cut him off and I did the same thing, convincing myself that we could be buddies and that it wasn't hurting me.

 

Also, is this the guy that left you for his "friend"? You don't want him in your life

[Sunkissedpatio]

It feeds your ego when he throws a breadcrumb but destabilizes you to be in contact with him because he's physically moved on to someone new. Actions vs words. He is seeing someone else but tells you things that keep you hooked yet he chooses to date another person over you.

 

You tell us what is more beneficial to your well being the verbal crumbs or the fact that he chooses to take his love from you and gives it to someone else in the form of dedicated time, physical contact and shared experiences?

 

 

That's your answer to what is healthy for you.

[toastytiger]

Thank you everyone. Yes. Good responses.

The fact that I even ask is enough. It is dragging out confusion and unconformable feelings.

 

I think I have a hard time completely closing the door and like having options open.

It is also mysterious to me how you can go from being so close to someone to ignoring them. But I guess that's the nature of relationships.

 

I'll take more space.

 

I do hope it's possible to be comfortable enough to be friends sometime in the future though.

[guest569]

It is also mysterious to me how you can go from being so close to someone to ignoring them. But I guess that's the nature of relationships.

 

I'll take more space.

 

I do hope it's possible to be comfortable enough to be friends sometime in the future though.

 

I can completely relate to this as I kept wondering to myself and to him in the days after the breakup (i went NC very quickly) "how can we go from being a couple to nothing, just like that.. Its so sad and so wrong" but you get past that. It is for the best to cut him out of your life completely. What he did was pretty messed up, and you put up with a lot. You really shouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. My ex put me through a lot too and I have moments where I miss him like crazy and can only see the good side of him. In reality, he hurt me more than anyone ever has and he didn't deserve me as a partner and certainly doesn't deserve my care or friendship now that we are done. Cut him off for good, walk away with your head held high. By taking control you will feel much better .. It is hard and ups and downs but you will be so much better off.

[toastytiger]

Having a rough time today.

It's helpful to reread these responses.

 

He texted me last night after two weeks NC - inviting me out to an event. I mustered up the willpower to say I'll pass. We continued texting later that night since he was asking about a recent workshop I took. I ended the conversation early & said good night. The last thing he texted was "te comprendo" (I'm learning spanish right now) which means "I understand you" ...?? Reading that just really pissed me off for some reason.

 

What does he want from me??

It's so hard to say no. The addicted part of me very much so wants to see him. But now I feel forced to say no, because the person I'm addicted to has betrayed me and is seeing someone else.

 

 

It's been two and half months, and although it's been going pretty well (I even started dating) This old man keeps haunting me... The grieving comes in unexpected waves. The confusion is draining. The same dialogue keeps replaying in my head: "should I still hang out with him as a friend? Am I setting good boundaries? Am I being compassionate?" etc.

It's so hard to ignore him. He had this seductive/murky archetype that just makes things messy!

 

I really appreciate the support that I've received on here. thank you! It feels edgy for me to share all of this online, but I'll take any help I get!

Feeling weak today so I guess I'm asking again for any helpful truths or tools to remember in times like these

[JewelD]

Having a rough time today.

It's helpful to reread these responses.

 

He texted me last night after two weeks NC - inviting me out to an event. I mustered up the willpower to say I'll pass. We continued texting later that night since he was asking about a recent workshop I took. I ended the conversation early & said good night. The last thing he texted was "te comprendo" (I'm learning spanish right now) which means "I understand you" ...?? Reading that just really pissed me off for some reason.

 

What does he want from me??

It's so hard to say no. The addicted part of me very much so wants to see him. But now I feel forced to say no, because the person I'm addicted to has betrayed me and is seeing someone else.

 

 

It's been two and half months, and although it's been going pretty well (I even started dating) This old man keeps haunting me... The grieving comes in unexpected waves. The confusion is draining. The same dialogue keeps replaying in my head: "should I still hang out with him as a friend? Am I setting good boundaries? Am I being compassionate?" etc.

It's so hard to ignore him. He had this seductive/murky archetype that just makes things messy!

 

I really appreciate the support that I've received on here. thank you! It feels edgy for me to share all of this online, but I'll take any help I get!

Feeling weak today so I guess I'm asking again for any helpful truths or tools to remember in times like these

 

I had something similar happen to me. My ex was a jerk the entire relationship so i ended it and moved on to a new relationship. He begged for me back just so he could dump me again.

 

Your ex didn't really want you back necessarily, he just wanted to be in control. Narcissists can't stand being left or ignored.

 

If you're doing NC, he shouldn't be able to contact you. You know you have a hard time resisting, so you must BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK on everything.

 

You are not friends, you should not become friends. Friends don't lie to each other and cheat on each other. You don't need him in your life as a boyfriend, a friend, or even an acquaintance.

 

If you keep trying to hold on, you'll be hurt even worse in the long run. When you feel like talking to him, call a friend. Put a post-it on your phone at night that says DO NOT TEXT HIM. Write a list of all of his negative traits and tape it somewhere you will see it everyday.

 

When we breakup with ppl we care about, we tend to remember the good times and make it seem waaaaayyy better than it actually was. As painful as it is, you need to remember the bad times and why he doesn't deserve your time or company anymore.

[Zahara]

What does he want from me??

 

You present yourself as a person with very poor to no boundaries and self-respect. In that sense, a man like him will always keep pushing through to get what he wants, as you've always exhibited your tolerance for bad behavior and disrespect -- he knows this. So, he'll keep revisiting because there is some form of attention that he is able to get from you, bad or good, attention nonetheless.

 

It's so hard to say no. The addicted part of me very much so wants to see him. But now I feel forced to say no, because the person I'm addicted to has betrayed me and is seeing someone else.

 

If you stay NC, and that would mean blocking him so that you are no way enticed by or aware of his contact, you would not be putting yourself in a position of weakness and confusion. If you don't want to help yourself, this is where you will stay.

 

It's been two and half months, and although it's been going pretty well (I even started dating) This old man keeps haunting me... The grieving comes in unexpected waves. The confusion is draining. The same dialogue keeps replaying in my head: "should I still hang out with him as a friend? Am I setting good boundaries? Am I being compassionate?" etc.

It's so hard to ignore him. He had this seductive/murky archetype that just makes things messy!

 

Again, NC. Block. You can't have it both ways. Either you block and move on in time or remain in this constant limbo. There is no in between.

[frustratedguy11]

hey i just want to say this is not a bad thing, why>? because i have been through this n i made the mistake of not letting go.

 

i am now back with my girlfriend who left me for someone else. n things just keep getting worse. alot of the time it gets rubbed in my face. arguments everyday, mostly motivated by her.

 

your young n your ex is old. this is a blessing, theres only one way to get over someone, be alone, cry,stay busy, dont come out until your ready. n never EVER play there game of cookie crums. it will kill you on the inside. let him go, when he comes back, you wont be there anymore because youll of met someone even better.

[toastytiger]

Your ex didn't really want you back necessarily, he just wanted to be in control. Narcissists can't stand being left or ignored.

 

I've wondered if he might have some narcissistic tendencies... He definitely has some underlying issues (like we all do).

I'm not sure if trying to dissect his personal psychology is helpful or not though. It might be good for me to understand his behavior or it might just waste more of my time.

 

 

You present yourself as a person with very poor to no boundaries and self-respect. In that sense, a man like him will always keep pushing through to get what he wants, as you've always exhibited your tolerance for bad behavior and disrespect -- he knows this. So, he'll keep revisiting because there is some form of attention that he is able to get from you, bad or good, attention nonetheless.

.

 

Yeah. I'm practicing! I think boundaries are something that many people learn to refine all their lives.

I really love myself. I think I just get addicted to love, or a specific person. I also tend to be overly-accommodating, and I'm sensitive to others feelings to the point in which I lose touch with my truth. Anyway, thanks for the reflection...