katielee Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 understand - if you're still doing this, I'm not sure there is much hope for the rest of us. However, I can see being ok with it. I am ok occasionally checking up. I don't think it's a big deal. I'll never fully trust either. Do I think there is an affair - no. Do I think there could be some crossing boundaries I don't know about - probably. I've detailed it here. It's what happens when you don't do the work and you don't think you have to change. REmember the smiley face emoticon thing my husband sent and said that it is the "bank way of doing things." I wish I would have said, "how bout you do it the Mr and Mrs KatieLee way of protecting the marriage way of doing things."
WasOtherWoman Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I have this urge to lecture young women on never becoming dependent ME TOO!!! In this day and age it is a very bad idea to not support yourself..... 1
WasOtherWoman Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Having been a BS many years ago and now, married to my affair partner (who clearly has cheated) I don't really spend a lot of time worrying about it. But - I will say that I pay probably more careful attention to detail. As long as things make sense, I am good. If something doesn't make sense, I may verify, just to make sure. It's been more than 15 years, and there has never been an occasion of an indescrepancy, but one never knows. However, IMHO, the whole concept of blind trust is a very dangerous one in the first place (although probably most of us were "guilty" of it at one time).
ShatteredLady Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 ....but blind trust, blind faith, the feeling of 'forever family' is WONDERFUL. It was for me anyway. Some say it's growing up. I've always thought that "putting away childish things" is so overrated. I loved being innocent & naive. 2
Miss Clavel Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 What breaks me is the knowledge that he can do it to me. That he could do it to me again. That WE are not who I thought that we were. and that's why i'm divorced. i know who he is. what he is. my opinion of him and his actions will never change. i know what he's capable of now. 2
ShatteredLady Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) Miss Clavel. Do you have children? (Sorry I know I could search & find that answer) How have they adjusted? Do you believe that second (or third) chances are ever worth it? Do you believe that the preverbal leopard is stuck with his spots? Does any of that matter once your faith has been shattered? Have you ever regretted your choice? It's so hard after a whole lifetime (26 years including dating for me) that's all of my memories, mostly good, including who I believed to be my forever person. It's nearly been a year for me now & I still hurt so very much. I nearly died (surgery) I was so low, I REALLY needed him. It's highly probable that we will go through similar situations in the future. I'm terrified. There's this gaping hole of pain inside of me but I fear that divorce would make that worse NOT better. Did you find it liberating? I've never asked someone who chose your path these questions. I hope you don't mind. You protected yourself in the ultimate way. Is there a strength & freedom in that? Do you believe that you could trust another man completely now? How old are you? How long were you together? Did you immediately choose divorce or did you try to reconcile first? Edited May 27, 2016 by ShatteredLady
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I NEVER check up on my husband...ever. and I don't know for sure...but I do not believe he checks up on me....and if he wants to...have at it. I have absolutely nothing to hide. We have access to all passwords...all accounts. My phone is not password protected...pick it up and look at anything you want. The past couple of weeks he seemed overly stressed....so I sent him an email....and told him how much I love and appreciate him and if i had done something please tell me so I could do my best to make him feel better. He KNOWS that i adore him...he KNOWS that i will not hurt him again. We are both very intuitive to each other...we listen to each other... I have absolutely no fear that he will hurt me...and I do not believe he has any fear that i will hurt him. It is difficult to put a number on trust...do I trust him 100%? probably not...but then did I ever trust him 100%. Does he trust me 100%? I doubt it....but he trusts me enough to open his heart to me and let me in.....what more could i ask for?
ladydesigner Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 and that's why i'm divorced. i know who he is. what he is. my opinion of him and his actions will never change. i know what he's capable of now. Yeah I can't unsee it. I don't know how my WH seemed to become a stranger to me. He is so far from the person I met (given I am too no doubt). It's so surreal.
Mr Blunt Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 If you are a bs who was completely emotionally open and vulnerable with your husband or wife before they had an affair, have you been able to reach that point again in your M? Completely emotionally open and vulnerable? You decide as I list some facts below: 1 My wife is the only one that I look to for my emotional needs in a marriage spouse 2 I have and will answer any and all questions that she has about our emotional state. 3 I never spy on her, check up on her, or anything else that was done while she was in her betrayal 4 I trust her 90+% to never repeat what she did. When we divorced I got EVERYTHING! She was willing to gave it all up to be with the OM. After she came back a broken woman I let her back into the house and after 4 + years of her actions showing that she was truly remorseful I remarried her. That remarriage gave her back 50% custody of our children, 50% of the home, 50% of all my finances which was MUCH more than her financial status and the ability for her to hurt me again. In my mind I opened up my heart, my wallet, and the gave up my sole custody of the most precious people in my life; my children. Me opening myself up to all those factors was very scary at times (very few times) but I am fairly contented and feel that I have a lot to be grateful for.
Author wmacbride Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I trusted my spouse 100% before I found out he was having an affair. I had never trusted anyone to that extent before. Finding out put me in a position of not being able to trust myself just s much as not feeling able to trust him. it took me a great deal of time to be bale to trust my own judgment again, and he put in so much work on himslef which is what has allowed me to trust him as much as I do now. I know how painful that was for him to go through all of that, and i admire him so much for being able to do so. I don't know if I could have. We were talking about it last night, as a guy from his former unit committed suicide. Some guys and women are not able to recover. 3
understand50 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 understand - if you're still doing this, I'm not sure there is much hope for the rest of us. However, I can see being ok with it. I am ok occasionally checking up. I don't think it's a big deal. I'll never fully trust either. Do I think there is an affair - no. Do I think there could be some crossing boundaries I don't know about - probably. I've detailed it here. It's what happens when you don't do the work and you don't think you have to change. REmember the smiley face emoticon thing my husband sent and said that it is the "bank way of doing things." I wish I would have said, "how bout you do it the Mr and Mrs KatieLee way of protecting the marriage way of doing things." Katielee, You have to remember that my G/f, now wife, ONS happened before we got married and while we were very young. I went into our marriage knowing that this happened, and that she was capable of doing it. In some ways, this was a help, as we both knew that this could happen to both of us and that it really hurts. We have been married for 40 plus years. I am not checking up on her, I just know that under the right circumstances, things can happen. In the end, and while I wish original ONS to happen did not occur, I think it made us stronger, and we both realized that we have to work at marriage, and being faithful. The second "jolt" was her overspending and using saving and retirement money and then lying to me about it. This is the issues that brought me here. Unfortunately, financial infidelity is not really discussed here, but I would say it is much more common and leads to divorce, much more then sexual infidelity. They both hurt, and for the second, well let us just say, each month, I am reminded as I pay on the debt. Most of the behaviors, that come into play for cheating, also happen in financial infidelity. Lying, trickle truth, you name it. I came really close to leaving her. Her past sexual infidelity did not help, as a lot resentment came back, even from something we had put behind us. It all came down to, could I trust her that she could tell me the truth on any thing? Had she come clean then, is she coming clean now, and if she could lie to me on such a scale, can I ever really believe her on anything? In finding our way back, we both learned to more open in all matters. Our talks, where everything could be talked about, and where honesty was expected, really helped. I trust her to be faithful. I am mostly sure, she has been faithful in our marriage, but there is a always a chance. It is "low". So we love each other, knowing that each is not perfect, and each has the capacity to hurt the other. We chose not to do so. Katielee, you are never going to have that magical marriage that you think you had. What you have is yourself and your husband that love each other, but have done things that have hurt the other. Forgiving each other and working to move on and looking out for each other, will lead to a better marriage. No one should trust another completely, but work to help the other to "keep" being good. How this is done will depend on the individuals, but you married to be together and to face life as one. Facing life as one is partly to help each other on the things that each is weak in. Together, you are better then if you would apart. My two cents. 1
dichotomy Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 She kept parts of herself hidden - still does. Now I do as well. I will never be completely open nor vulnerable again with her - or any woman - except my therapist. Trust ? I trust that we are all human and flawed creatures, and capable of good and bad things, selfless and selfish. That includes me and that's okay too - that's life. 2
understand50 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I NEVER check up on my husband...ever. and I don't know for sure...but I do not believe he checks up on me....and if he wants to...have at it. I have absolutely nothing to hide. We have access to all passwords...all accounts. My phone is not password protected...pick it up and look at anything you want. The past couple of weeks he seemed overly stressed....so I sent him an email....and told him how much I love and appreciate him and if i had done something please tell me so I could do my best to make him feel better. He KNOWS that i adore him...he KNOWS that i will not hurt him again. We are both very intuitive to each other...we listen to each other... I have absolutely no fear that he will hurt me...and I do not believe he has any fear that i will hurt him. It is difficult to put a number on trust...do I trust him 100%? probably not...but then did I ever trust him 100%. Does he trust me 100%? I doubt it....but he trusts me enough to open his heart to me and let me in.....what more could i ask for? Abigail, I think in the end, it comes down to trusting enough to let your love work. 100% trust is never wise, or really possible. Also, one can trust in some things, but not in other things. I know my wife, she is really bad with money. It would be unwise to just trust that she will do what is best. So, we audit each other. As to her being faithful, I trust her to be so, but know she let me down once. I am a little more "eyes open", and always have been. I would be truly surprised if she "slipped" again. I would place my "bets" on her having been faithful in our marriage. I think John and you are probably the same. You both would be surprised if something happened, but would work it out. Your odds, as are ours, are not zero, but damned low. That is the goal, keeping the odds low. Both for yourself, and helping your spouse. Temptation will always be there, how one handles it on a personal level and then as a couple will count in the end. As Always I wish you and John luck....... 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 When you have been to the depths of hell and back... You stand watchful.... I trust ... He trusts... But we stay mindful... That you can never say never. We both know how easy it is to betray... So like you ... We put our marriage first ... We put each other first ... And we remain vigilant keepers of each other's heart. 4
Author wmacbride Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 When you have been to the depths of hell and back... You stand watchful.... I trust ... He trusts... But we stay mindful... That you can never say never. We both know how easy it is to betray... So like you ... We put our marriage first ... We put each other first ... And we remain vigilant keepers of each other's heart. Same here. There are so many wonderful things that have happened, and will happen for us. One of children will soon be graduating form high school. She's got some issues that have made it incredibly difficult for her, and the things other students find easy are hard for her. We have worked hard to be there for her and support her, and she has put in huge amounts of work and will be graduating near the top of her class. She's already gotten a scholarship based on her grades to help pay her post secondary tuition, and there could be more to come. Watching her graduate will be wonderful, and something else that will bond us as a couple. It's tangible evidence of how well we can work together. When I think of what the outcome for us could have been if we both hadn't been willing try, it's really sad. 3
CoolHandLuke76 Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I'd never be vulnerable with someone who has already proved they'll cheat. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I'd never be vulnerable with someone who has already proved they'll cheat. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. and yet you have stayed with your wayward wife....right? Why would you stay with someone you feel this way about? If you cannot trust her enough to rebuild your relationship....why would you invest more time and effort into this relationship?
CoolHandLuke76 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 and yet you have stayed with your wayward wife....right? Why would you stay with someone you feel this way about? If you cannot trust her enough to rebuild your relationship....why would you invest more time and effort into this relationship? Cheaper to keep her......for just a bit longer.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Cheaper to keep her......for just a bit longer. So you stay while you get your ducks in a row....I get it and then you will lower the BOOM on her....... Got it Can't say I blame you....
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