Alamo657 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 There is no such thing as a justified insecurity and it's none of your business what she does after you break up. This is where you're wrong. What she does after the break up will prove or disprove if this gut feelings were "just my own" insecurities on my side, or dysfunctional behavior on her part. This is what will draw the line between your and her responsability, and it's an important part to recover your self-esteem quicker. If your GF made you feel insecure and THEN proved YOUR point right by sleeping around, then the "insecurities" were on the side of the cheater.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Depends on how he uses Facebook - if he has a collection of 'friends' he's never met or barely speaks to and the ex is going to be friend number 5686, I wouldn't worry. So yeah, it's just as okay to add an ex on fb a it's ok to be bothered by it. If it triggers something in you and the BF already knows you're a little insecure in general though, that's a pretty insensitive thing to do, prior discussion or not; not 'breaking up' territory, but definitely worthy of a talk.
Haydn Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I have a few ex`s on FB and so does my better half. Not bothered. Of course i would never connect with someone who caused me pain in the past. Ex or otherwise. What would be the point? I actually blocked my Mother, but that`s another thread. 2
ASG Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I have most of my ex's on FB. We're friendly, keep in touch, sometimes meet up for coffee or something. Most of them are married, if not all. I honestly don't see anything wrong with it. And would be very very weary of *anyone* telling me I'd have to delete them. 1
mikeylo Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I guess real life and Internet comments life works a lot more different. There is a reason when people get blind sided by break ups or an apparently little issue blows up into a huge. That reason is ignoring the real life aspects and letting a perfect situation take it over. I'm glad I'm not in the dating scene anymore !
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I guess real life and Internet comments life works a lot more different. There is a reason when people get blind sided by break ups or an apparently little issue blows up into a huge. That reason is ignoring the real life aspects and letting a perfect situation take it over. I'm glad I'm not in the dating scene anymore ! Yeah, I can see your point. I'm friendly with an ex IRL and he's therefore also a fb friend; doing it this way round creates less issues and insecurities all round, I guess. SO also has a few of his exes on fb that he wouldn't mind going out for a drink with if the occasion presented itself - no issue with me. I personally find it super healthy that you don't simply cut people off your life completely when they haven't done you any wrong, but I also think that you should be sensitive to your partner's worries - there is a fine line between doing whatever you want and exacerbating your partner's insecurities when you can avoid it. Some people are cool with keeping in touch with exes, and some aren't - there just needs to be a transparent and considerate dialogue when issues like that flare up. I just don't think OP should be made to feel like an insecure wreck if these things trigger something in her, though; that's down to her and she has a right to feel safe in her own relationship. 1
basil67 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 My hubby and I both have an ex or two on FB. Mind you, we were together way before FB existed, so these exes truly are ancient history. That said, I've gone to craft fairs with both of the exes he has....and he's met my ex at a family reunion BBQ. It's all so totally open and ancient history.
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Exes on FB can just be exes on FB, but they can also be a big source of trouble too. The problem I see here is "Why the 4 year wait?" There must be some reason for contacting an ex after 4 years and that is where is gets worrying for the OP. A lot of people have always kept their exes pretty close, but that is a far different scenario from this Why does he or she need to reach out now after all these years? They are no longer content with viewing the public FB profile, someone wants to get closer, hence the friend request and adding each other as friends. People tend to revisit exes, because they want something from that person that they cannot get elsewhere. Exes unless hostile are instant very close friends, someone you are used to confiding in, someone who gets you, someone you have had sex with, and who may be up for renewing that connection you once shared. My guess is that either the OP's bf or his ex are not exactly happy in their core relationship, so have decided to look each other up, "just to see how they are getting along", but with an agenda. That agenda is what the OP needs to worry about here. 3
Otter2569 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 What about people who keep in touch with their exes, emotionally/physically cheat on you with them, or sleep with them after they dumped you ? It's easy to "look" and "sound" like a good person who would never do that on an internet forum, and then say that there is nothing wrong with it. In fact that's what my ex told to my face, that she did "nothing wrong" with having ex's and not-ex's flirt with her all the time, and her encouraging them by not discouraging them. In the end after we broke up, she ended up going on a sleep over spree with all her orbiters. So you can see why exes still in the picture can trigger justified insecurities ? Personally I think a cheater is a cheater. That is not what I am about. I cannot speak for anyone else but I only stay FB friends with people I think are real and decent and worthy of having access to my online life. Also my ex's are ex's for a reason. I like them, I'll talk to them but I DONT want them back as anything other than casual friends...that's just me. The jealous, insecure chic is 1 of only 2 people I have ever blocked in my life.
mikeylo Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Well, I guess you didn't get what I was saying. It's easy for people to sit behind a screen and say that they are 100% fine with their SO having exes, etc etc but the real life is different. Majority of people don't accept it. And shouldn't. It's each to his own and we are no one to stigmatize someone if they are not comfortable with it or not. It's not a norm, as its being made to show. If people in serious relationships do not understand the basics, they shouldn't be in one and maybe that's why they struggle. Some voice their concerns , in the hope that their SO will see their Pov before throwing in the towel. Break up eventually happens if issues are overlooked. But voicing it , they give themselves and others a chance, to avoid living in regrets. I reiterate that social media , exes and opposite sex friends are a major cause of break ups.Im , like others , is free to have an opinion. Because I don't agree with all, doesn't mean I'm wrong or whatever. And labeling the others for being insecure etc is something I don't agree with either. Everyone , behind a screen is 100% secure , not jealous, very comfortable , confident and what not !
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Well, I guess you didn't get what I was saying. It's easy for people to sit behind a screen and say that they are 100% fine with their SO having exes, etc etc but the real life is different. Majority of people don't accept it. And shouldn't. It's each to his own and we are no one to stigmatize someone if they are not comfortable with it or not. It's not a norm, as its being made to show. If people in serious relationships do not understand the basics, they shouldn't be in one and maybe that's why they struggle. Some voice their concerns , in the hope that their SO will see their Pov before throwing in the towel. Break up eventually happens if issues are overlooked. But voicing it , they give themselves and others a chance, to avoid living in regrets. I reiterate that social media , exes and opposite sex friends are a major cause of break ups.Im , like others , is free to have an opinion. Because I don't agree with all, doesn't mean I'm wrong or whatever. And labeling the others for being insecure etc is something I don't agree with either. Everyone , behind a screen is 100% secure , not jealous, very comfortable , confident and what not ! We're not in disagreement on the bolded but people behind a computer are also real life people who do real life stuff. There are A LOT of people who are friendly with exes in real life. That's a totally normal thing to do when there was no abuse or cheating or bad behaviour on either one's part. It would actually be worrying if someone was incapable of getting over every single breakup they've ever had to the point of wanting nothing to do with someone they once cared for. I get elaine567's point however re reconnecting with an ex on FB first after years when you have no current links with them in the flesh, even if doesn't necessarily indicate fowl play; if they're only virtual friends, I don't see the big deal in letting them go if it's going to bother your partner.
Lorenza Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't see a problem with the whole "why after 4 years" thing. It could as well be that you run into an old ex and happen to have an unexpectedly friendly conversation so you decide to later add them, or something suddenly reminds you of them and you decide to find them and ask how their doing. Especially if the breakup wasn't easy or peaceful and there have been hard feelings before - it's nice to reconnect and to know that you can finally ask them in a neutral tone, what's up with their life. I accidentaly notice my boyfriend texting an ex. That day something reminded him of her and he told me. I just assumed he decided to ask her what's up and didn't even bring it up, neither did it bother me. You need to understand that you can keep someone loyal by telling them to delete certain people from their life. If they're real cheaters, other people will find a way to enter their lives. Give them the freedom to talk and meet who they want and then watch - their real selves will show up. You will know if they're cheaters way sooner.
Alamo657 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I personally find it super healthy that you don't simply cut people off your life completely when they haven't done you any wrong, but I also think that you should be sensitive to your partner's worries - there is a fine line between doing whatever you want and exacerbating your partner's insecurities when you can avoid it. This is finely worded and i agree with you.
kztar Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Looks like most people on this thread have never read some of the threads in the breakup forum where most people suggest to go NC FOREVER. Anyone, blocks, delete and maintain NC forever here?.... I keep NC forever. Avoids any kind of issue PERIOD.
ASG Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Looks like most people on this thread have never read some of the threads in the breakup forum where most people suggest to go NC FOREVER. Anyone, blocks, delete and maintain NC forever here?.... I keep NC forever. Avoids any kind of issue PERIOD. I don't agree with that at all, ever. I don't think it's normal to cut off people from my life if there hasn't been any abuse. Things naturally fade. But why would I block and delete them?? Just because it is right for SOME people, it doesn't mean it's a universal truth. There is only ONE ex I'm not friends with, and that's because he decided to be a dick after we broke up (way way WAYYYY before BF) and as such I never thought to look him up and ask how he's doing.
kztar Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't agree with that at all, ever. I don't think it's normal to cut off people from my life if there hasn't been any abuse. Things naturally fade. But why would I block and delete them?? Just because it is right for SOME people, it doesn't mean it's a universal truth. There is only ONE ex I'm not friends with, and that's because he decided to be a dick after we broke up (way way WAYYYY before BF) and as such I never thought to look him up and ask how he's doing. It's not an universal truth. I have no idea how any of my ex's are doing and don't care either. Most relationships end in where one party or the other is hurt and one of the parties wishes no contact AT ALL. Unless this person was a friend or you dated them for A LONG period of time, I see no use of keeping in touch with an EX. I know people who are friends but they were either very good friends prior to the relationship or they were together for so long that the friendship was built. I don't mix friendships with relationships for this purpose. The day we go separate ways I only have to worry about loosing one thing as oppose to a friendship and a relationship.
toastytiger Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 My ex just added me back again on fb. We broke up 5 years ago - it was a pretty serious 3 year relationship. He's engaged now. I'm recently single. We live in different states. Don't mean a thang except we don't hate each other.
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 My ex just added me back again on fb. We broke up 5 years ago - it was a pretty serious 3 year relationship. He's engaged now. I'm recently single. We live in different states. Don't mean a thang except we don't hate each other. Really? It don't mean a thang that you are now recently single again and he is adding you to his FB friends...
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