worriedlover27 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I found out several days ago that my boyfriend added his ex from 4 years ago. She was his only serious relationship and she is now married. It bothers me so much because I have history of being cheated on plus he is my first serious relationship. Would I sound crazy or controlling if I told him it bothers me and asked him to delete her? I want to talk to him about it so bad but I don't want to sound like I'm stalking/monitoring his Facebook. (I only found out because I saw it in my newsfeed). I want to be clear, if he had already been friends with her when we started dating (2 years ago) I wouldn't think anything of it. But the fact that after 4 years he decides to add her just makes my intuition scream something isn't right. Am I overreacting?
kztar Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I think that this might mean nothing but 4 years later?. She's married, he has a gf. There's no reason for them to be in touch now if they didn't stay in touch before. If they've been nc up to now what's the point of "being friends" now. You're not over reacting. Tell him how you feel and have him unfriend her.
Dork Vader Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I would just talk to him about it. You do not want to make demands though. Demanding that he delete her is unfair, especially given you don't know everything. Just say hey look I'm feeling a little insecure right now. You becoming friends with your ex on Facebook has made me a little uncomfortable. It is normal for people to be friends with past lovers on Facebook. It does not mean therein romantic interest OR anything of that sort. He might not have been the one who initiated the friend request on Facebook. She may have been the one who sent the request and he might have thought nothing of it and just added her. I would do some soul searching and ask yourself why you are feeling insecure about your relationship. It seems as though there could be more going on your part or his and this friend request has amplified those insecurities. Remember it's about his actions as a whole. Adding her on Facebook is not a red flag or a clear cut sign he is cheating or will cheat. How ever if he is doing other things that make you suspicious then I could possibly understand being uncomfortable with it. 2
Larryville Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 It is normal for people to be friends with past lovers on Facebook. It does not mean therein romantic interest OR anything of that sort. Seriously!? Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage? (relationship) Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage? I found out several days ago that my boyfriend added his ex from 4 years ago. She was his only serious relationship and she is now married. It bothers me so much because I have history of being cheated on plus he is my first serious relationship. Would I sound crazy or controlling if I told him it bothers me and asked him to delete her? No, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to be adding/friending an EX married or not to Facebook. Period. Feel free to ignore and see where it goes. If I’m in a happy, solid relationships the last thing I’m processing and wondering what an ex is doing via Facebook. WTF!? 3
Lorenza Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Yes, you are overreacting. There is nothing wrong in keeping some kind of friendly contact with your ex, especially after some time has passed. An ex is just a person you were once connected to, what's wrong in reconnecting after a while when all the feelings are long gone? You said yourself that his ex is now married, what are the chances that those two are having an affair behind everyone's back? And even add each other on social medias where everyone can see? You need to trust your boyfriend more, otherwise don't be with a person who makes your inner alarm go on. We cannot own people and control their actions, neither should we confront their every action and make things into "not ok", based on our own insecurities. I think you should forget the whole thing.
Lorenza Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Seriously!? Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage? (relationship) Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage? No, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to be adding/friending an EX married or not to Facebook. Period. Feel free to ignore and see where it goes. If I’m in a happy, solid relationships the last thing I’m processing and wondering what an ex is doing via Facebook. WTF!? You see, that's a possesive stance. A happy, solid relationship is not based on keeping track on each other all the time, restricting and controlling each others actions. Worrying about who your partner befriends is the way of untrusting, insecure person. A person is free to have contact with whomever he/she wants, having no limitations based on silly jealousy. The whole point of honest loyalty is having all the freedom in the world and still not missusing it. If you're loyal under restrictions... Then what is such loyalty even worth? 3
Larryville Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You see, that's a possesive stance. A happy, solid relationship is not based on keeping track on each other all the time, restricting and controlling each others actions. Lorenza cool, this is what makes this site and the differing opinions interesting but the bottom line is facts and statistics don’t lie. If she wants to ignore the obvious then she will take your stance and I guarantee you she will be back here posting about how he and the ex wants to have a “friendly” meet up. There are literally HUNDREDS of FB stories on this site alone and none of them are good stories. This is just common sense. Also I was not talking about “control” in a good relationship your time and efforts are focused on each other not a freaking ex. I have plenty of exes after being single for several years and even as a single dude I’m not trolling the statuses of exes on my FB page. That’s just nuts, but hey like I said feel free to ignore the obvious. 6 Ways Facebook Ruins Your LifeFrom divorce to depression, the social network may be the fly in your ointment How Facebook Affects Your Health 1
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 just make him aware it makes you uncomfortable, and also mention you are confused as to why he would want to be in contact with someone that cheated on him....then let him state his case. Come to a compromise like, it's ok to catch up on things, but not ok with daily messaging texting. Set boundaries.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 If she wasn't married I'd be more worried. But it's still uncool. I think you get to talk about it. But making demands & threatening to break up is only going to get you broken up. talking then monitoring the situation is more in order. I only got FB after I was married because it didn't exist when I was single. I'm a middle aged woman. My HS BF & I are friends on FB. Him & my husband actually get along so the 2 couples occasionally do stuff together. The last thing I want is a fling with a boy I dated for something really meaningful like a month, 30 years ago. I am also friends with one of my EX's children on FB. That guy died but the son asked if we could stay in touch. How could I refuse? DH is perfectly fine with it. However another EX recently asked if we could rekindle our friendship. That one. . . no way; DH would not be happy & his needs have to come 1st. I don't think I could be "just" friends with that guy because he will forever be the one that got away so distance is required. I'd never leave my husband for him but there are way too many emotions to even try to have a friendship; for a lot of reasons I also don't feel very friendly toward him either. So it all depends. At minimum you & your BF need to discuss this calmly.
mikeylo Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 FB , exes, opposite sex friends --- leading causes of breakups between an otherwise good relationship. How hard it is for anyone above the age of 15 to understand ? I do not know. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Maybe, but I'd expect my partner to at least check out my stance on it first, not just do it. Like you say, if they'd been friends from the start that's one thing but when you've already deleted one another and then go out of your way to add them despite being in new relationships, I dunno seems a little disrespectful to me. If I wanted to add my ex of four years for whatever reason I'd ask my partner for his thoughts. if it bothered him I wouldn't do it, but I know it'd bug me if he did it so I'd like to show him that same consideration.
Conviction Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Fact of the matter is, it bothers OP. So the debate of if it's right or not is really irrelevant. OP should have a discussion with her BF, and he should understand that it bothers her and fix it. It isn't entirely unreasonable to be upset about something like that.
Emilia Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I have exes both on facebook and LinkedIn, one of them got married last year and I saw his wedding photos. I honestly don't know if I would delete them and stop talking to them if someone asked me to. I think probably with men the relationship wouldn't get to two years if it bothered them so much. I don't get much stick for this but then I am very upfront about these things.
Shanex Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I think that this might mean nothing but 4 years later?. She's married, he has a gf. There's no reason for them to be in touch now if they didn't stay in touch before. If they've been nc up to now what's the point of "being friends" now. You're not over reacting. Tell him how you feel and have him unfriend her. You're getting to the heart of the issue and I agree with that. Why getting back in touch after four years? I presume that his now married ex and him went no contact for a while to heal, like most broken couples but since both of them are now for one in a serious RS and the other in a happily marriage what do they want to talk about? Happy for you? I've never wanted to be too controlling/monitoring the profile of a woman, because it create insecurities, yes she likes other guys photos and comments. She has a right to have guys friends too. But an ex getting back in the game is more tricky.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I think that it bothers you is a reason why he should consider unfriending her. And I kinda agree. I think all new relationships should be clean slates, virtual friendships aren't real friendships at all, and what does he gain from adding her on and having her come up on his news-feed? soon she'll be pregnant and the first baby scan will come up with a caption " due in 6 months". Tell him how you feel about it and that it hurts you and bothers you. My friend invited her ex and his wife to a barbecue. She felt nothing of it and I'm supposing neither did he, but the couple never arrived at their place for a barbecue. I can kind of imagine why and what sort of conversation they would have had about why "Not" to attend a barbecue and I'm sure it was sorta the lines of " what's the point? she's your ex?" Somethings are better left dead and buried. Facebook can resurrect painful memories.
kztar Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 You're getting to the heart of the issue and I agree with that. Why getting back in touch after four years? I presume that his now married ex and him went no contact for a while to heal, like most broken couples but since both of them are now for one in a serious RS and the other in a happily marriage what do they want to talk about? Happy for you? I've never wanted to be too controlling/monitoring the profile of a woman, because it create insecurities, yes she likes other guys photos and comments. She has a right to have guys friends too. But an ex getting back in the game is more tricky. Some people will stay in touch with EX's and I know a few. It's totally platonic but they were together for a LONG period of time. But after 4 YEARS? if you are "happy" you shouldn't even think of an EX. This is what is SUS to me. What could she possibly want at the 4 YEAR MARK?
Emilia Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Being in touch or getting in touch isn't just about them or thinking about that person, it's about you as well. I don't know about you but I do think about my past and how I handled relationships, where I started and where I am now. Inevitably, I think about the people along that journey as well. It's only human nature. I think suspicions are often about projection or how you relate to your dating partners. To me, they were my friends as well. With some we started off as friends. The other day I chatted with a guy I briefly dated - met on an OLD site, very rare for me - because I saw on facebook that he won a triathlon. Guess what, I was pleased for him. I just don't understand why this would be a problem for anyone. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Neither do I. This whole "should I be suspicious" thing is reeking of insecurity. Jeesh, it's been 4 years, she's married. "Benign indifference" anyone....? This to me says more about the OP's own insecure feeling of her relationship than anything else. 2
frus69 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 This is why I don't friend my bf on facebook...I don't wanna know these sort of things.. I do believe it is possible the whole thing is innocent. I am still Facebook friends with all my ex, but I don't talk to them. Not interested in their news feed either. Having said that, I don't think everyone is like me lol some people are shady in these sort of things. If I found out my bf friended his ex I would also feel weird. Talk to him about it.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I found out several days ago that my boyfriend added his ex from 4 years ago. She was his only serious relationship and she is now married. It bothers me so much because I have history of being cheated on plus he is my first serious relationship. Would I sound crazy or controlling if I told him it bothers me and asked him to delete her? I want to talk to him about it so bad but I don't want to sound like I'm stalking/monitoring his Facebook. (I only found out because I saw it in my newsfeed). I want to be clear, if he had already been friends with her when we started dating (2 years ago) I wouldn't think anything of it. But the fact that after 4 years he decides to add her just makes my intuition scream something isn't right. Am I overreacting? I think this is the underlining issue here. OP may have had some serious issues with her own dating history and because her current bf is her first serious relationship and OP is his second, She may feel uncomfortable of being reminded that before her there was someone else for him, and plus her dating history wasn't so nice. The only thing you can do is tell your boyfriend how it makes you feel and why it makes you feel this way. I do kinda think though, that having your ex's on FB is a bit silly but then I'm the sort of person that goes through a bit of a " facebook" spring clean and if i haven't spoken to that person or that person in five years or so I delete them and keep it all fresh and clean. I kinda think, who are you? stop inviting me to play farmland or poker... I don't know you anymore! 3
Otter2569 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 This is your problem (insecurity) not his. You have no former love interest or dates on FB? I have at least 4 ex GFs that I am friends with on FB. We are strictly friends plus its a public forum. If you see inappropriate contact then you have a right to voice your concern. One exGf posted comments that my current GF didn't like so I did block the ex. Then it became "only women ever comment on your posts", "I don't understand why you have to be on there at all". She caused more fights over FB because SHE was insecure and untrusting. She is now and ex and NOT a FB friend. The 4 exs, they are still there 1
Alamo657 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 She is now and ex and NOT a FB friend. The 4 exs, they are still there What about people who keep in touch with their exes, emotionally/physically cheat on you with them, or sleep with them after they dumped you ? It's easy to "look" and "sound" like a good person who would never do that on an internet forum, and then say that there is nothing wrong with it. In fact that's what my ex told to my face, that she did "nothing wrong" with having ex's and not-ex's flirt with her all the time, and her encouraging them by not discouraging them. In the end after we broke up, she ended up going on a sleep over spree with all her orbiters. So you can see why exes still in the picture can trigger justified insecurities ? 1
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 (edited) FB , exes, opposite sex friends --- leading causes of breakups between an otherwise good relationship. No, they are not the cause. They are the tools. The cause of the breakups is the partner who uses the tools for the purpose of cheating. What about people who keep in touch with their exes, emotionally/physically cheat on you with them, or sleep with them after they dumped you ? And what about people who keep in touch with their exes but don't emotionally/physically cheat? It's not fair to tar everyone with the same brush, or to judge your current partner for the actions of your previous one(s). Edited May 26, 2016 by PegNosePete
Emilia Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 What about people who keep in touch with their exes, emotionally/physically cheat on you with them, or sleep with them after they dumped you ? It's easy to "look" and "sound" like a good person who would never do that on an internet forum, and then say that there is nothing wrong with it. In fact that's what my ex told to my face, that she did "nothing wrong" with having ex's and not-ex's flirt with her all the time, and her encouraging them by not discouraging them. In the end after we broke up, she ended up going on a sleep over spree with all her orbiters. So you can see why exes still in the picture can trigger justified insecurities ? There is no such thing as a justified insecurity and it's none of your business what she does after you break up. If someone wants to cheat, they will. Whether they keep in touch with exes or not will not make the slightest difference to the outcome. After posting on LS for years and reading posts like this, I think there are some people that are just not ready to be discerning and trust so they use a blanket approach. Not really sure how you can expect a healthy relationship based on that. 2
greenly24 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I don't think you're necessarily overreacting, but I think you need to be careful in how you talk with your boyfriend. I think you need to say some of what you've said here, namely that him being friends with her makes you somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know what ended the relationship between your boyfriend and her, but sometimes when you spend a lot of time with someone, you can still be good friends without romantic feelings. Maybe your boyfriend just wants to catch up with her. I'm not sure. I guess what I'm saying is is that I would not jump to conclusions for you really talked about things with your boyfriend.
Recommended Posts