Ghosting- how do you move forward?

[kztar]

The answer to this one is simple (as I found out the hard way) as well. Don't date others who multi date. If they are multi dating just let them go. Same as ghosting. If a potential beau (male or female) is not into you 100% just let them go and carry on with life.

 

I tried it, multi dating that is. Really liked the guy. He wanted to multi date. I said OK as it made sense. Both "started" multi dating. When he discovered one of his "competition" was younger, had more hair, better job etc... well that didn't go down very well at all... Stupid thing is that I didn't want the younger guy. All I wanted was to get to know the guy I was dating... His loss and also his feelings that were hurt far more than mine. More so as he didn't get any "extra" dates to multi date... I guess sometimes its best to keep it simple. Good news is I discovered that he was a sulker and a "wants all the cake" kind of guy so I wasn't all that upset. The idea behind multi dating is pretty sound but the reality is not so great...

 

This is why as I get older, and with my dating experience as well as others I read here and see in real life, I am now VERY blunt and straight to the point.

 

I try to get a feeling of the guy and sort of ask indirect questions as of what exactly are his intentions. After a few dates IN, I ask straight forward. I also agree with the fact that is someone is multi dating you should let them go and move on. For someone who is busy like me, and only date one guy at a time, I find it very insulting that Im taking out time from my busy schedule to get to know you, yet you're making time for me and who knows how many other girls. So im just one more in your back burner. NO THANKS.

 

People who GHOST, best to let them go as well. Most of the time, they come back to only GHOST again. If you've gone out on a few dates with the person and you have become somewhat intimate, the person should at least have some respect for you and tell you they are no longer interested. They don't even need to give you reasons, because you are just dating but the respect of just letting you know that they no longer wish yo pursue anything.

[kztar]

I look back to the dates I had at the beginning that I thought at the time were promising and I have to say if I went on them now I would not be wasting my time, effort or money on those guys.

 

There were signs but I didn't see them.

 

I still miss things but I am much less likely to get all loved up these days.

 

Ghosting after 6 weeks is a bit shameless... Thank God he did Sara... No one deserves that.

 

Facts on FACTS. Very shameless from his part. I learn so much from everyone here. I just love this place lol

[Toodaloo]

I don't agree that most men like to multi date.

 

Of the men I have dated the vast majority have not wanted to multi date. Most of the men I have met don't actually want "options" they just want to find one special person to settle down and live life with. That is all. They don't want drama or stress, just to enjoy life.

 

I do tend to just walk away from men who do want to multi date (not my thing at all so why waste time) but those that I have encountered, both as friends and potential dates, tend to be men who are emotionally unavailable anyway. Men who are not over their exes or who have underlying issues that makes them bad/ insecure prospects as partners... They are men who miss physical contact (hugs and kisses not just sex) but who are unable to be emotionally "there" in a relationship.

 

I have found that most men don't want lots of women. They just want one that is special to them.

 

I haven't tried dating women (being confirmed hetro its not going to happen) but again speaking to other women in real life that I know and can make some form of opinion on those who multi date are not relationship material. They all have issues that need to be sorted out before they can commit and those issues have nothing to do with the people they are dating... It just leaves them blind sided and pondering what is wrong with them when they get dumped...

[Saracena]

JMO but I think many people ghost (as opposed to formally ending it) because they are ambivalent, and want to keep the door OPEN so they can contact later if they decide down the road they miss you and want to date you again.

 

I said this before, but this happens all the time!.....

 

 

And me! Which explains why so many ghosts do actually pop back at some point. Why otherwise would you want to date someone you had 100% 'written off' the first time? I know I wouldn't. In addition, there are other reasons for ghosting or what may appear to be ghosting at first, ranging from testing the other's reaction, they felt they were treated badly to not wanting to confront the other person about something eg a female friend of ours got ghosted because he (erroneously) heard she had cheated. We'd probably never have found this out, had it not been for the fact we moved in the same circles.

 

I would be interesting at some point to post a thread asking ghosters about their reasons for doing so!

[Toodaloo]

This is why as I get older, and with my dating experience as well as others I read here and see in real life, I am now VERY blunt and straight to the point.

 

I try to get a feeling of the guy and sort of ask indirect questions as of what exactly are his intentions. After a few dates IN, I ask straight forward. I also agree with the fact that is someone is multi dating you should let them go and move on. For someone who is busy like me, and only date one guy at a time, I find it very insulting that Im taking out time from my busy schedule to get to know you, yet you're making time for me and who knows how many other girls. So im just one more in your back burner. NO THANKS.

 

People who GHOST, best to let them go as well. Most of the time, they come back to only GHOST again. If you've gone out on a few dates with the person and you have become somewhat intimate, the person should at least have some respect for you and tell you they are no longer interested. They don't even need to give you reasons, because you are just dating but the respect of just letting you know that they no longer wish yo pursue anything.

 

I don't even get to date stage. I usually ask before hand. Saves the bother of doing my hair and wasting and evening.

 

Ghosting is just a cowards way out. Do I want to date a coward? Not really. So its actually quite a good filter... That is the way I look at it anyway.

[Toodaloo]

Reasons why I have ghosted... mostly only one. I think the guy is going to go postal if I tell him as it is that I am just not interested.

 

Other reasons include;

1. Found someone else

2. Simply can't be bothered

3. Didn't really fancy you all that much anyway

4. Saw a difference in life style/ opinions etc that make you incompatible

5. Your next date invite got lost in the post

6. Forgot that they were emigrating in two days time

7. Dog ate their phone

8. Run over by a bus

9. Kidnapped by aliens

10. Kidnapped by Sharon Stone...

Edited May 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up ~6

[tayriley]

Thank you guys for all the great advice and positive feelings. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to write kind, informed and descriptive advice. Reading it has been really helpful for me. It really warms me when complete strangers on the internet have such compassion. It's also nice to know I'm not alone in this and hearing about your experiences is very useful.

 

To answer some questions-

 

ON CONTACTING HIM AGAIN- No, he never called or texted again. I'm thinking about making one more call just on the off-chance his phone was dead or out of service when I called. I didn't leave a voicemail the first time, so in a way it's still up in the air.

 

ON INITIATING CONTACT- I admit, I do prefer the guy to do all the initiating in the beginning stages, so it is rare for me to initiate contact, ie calling him to talk or ask him to go out. We have had a few hour+ conversations over the phone, though. I'm just not into texting or too much phone time because I like the build up of excitement going into a date.

 

ON LOSING INTEREST WHILE I WAS GONE- I don't think of 10 days as a very long time at all. Maybe I am less fickle than average? I certainly don't lose interest in 10 days. What happened was, I told him I was leaving town at the beginning of the week but something came up, so I ended up leaving later. I'm used to him calling on a Tuesday or Wednesday to set up a weekend date (he didnt know about my change of plans) but he never did. Since I was gone all weekend, I didn't bother contacting him until I was driving back. That's when I realized he was ghosting.

 

ON WHY HE GHOSTED- The sh-tty thing about ghosting is it leaves me unsure about my actions. Was I too cold in the last date? I was a bit tired toward the end, so maybe he read that as uninterested? (we spent several hours at dinner and then went to a bar for a couple more hours) I also paid for the dinner as I was feeling bad he was paying for everything up 'til that point. And they were NOT cheap dates. Maybe he took me paying for an expensive dinner as a sign I was friendzoning him? OR, he thought I was TOO interested and decided to back down?

 

ON SEX- I would've slept with him but he was taking things slow (he's a little awkward) so I figured I'd just follow his lead. If we had slept together and THEN he ghosted, I'd at least understand it was him getting what he wanted and leaving. But at the moment, I fear there was miscommunication about my interest level which is why it's so infuriating.

 

ON DATING MULTIPLE PEOPLE- not really my style. I did it once, and even though there was no exclusivity talk with either guy, I felt guilty about it. I ended it with the one I was less interested in to explore things with the other.

 

I don't think this guy was dating anyone else. I didn't get that vibe from him. He didn't love-bomb me, nor did he push for sex. His schedule always seemed wide open when he was setting up time to spend with me. Also, on last friday and saturday night, he posted to social media an at-home project he was working on....so I don't think he was out with some other girl last weekend.

 

CONCLUSION? I dont know whether it is my gut or my ego that says 'he likes me but he fears i dont like him!' A few days ago, if you asked me I would've said that's my gut feeling. But now, I wonder if it's just my ego trying to protect me from feeling rejected.

 

I included that story about my ex in the original post because at the time, i was SO SURE of myself- that's why i kept going back to him, even after he'd ghost on me for days or weeks. i knew with every fiber that he loved me and we were right for each other. but i was totally wrong.

 

so that's my dilemma now- do i just THINK he likes me because the alternative is too harsh?

 

(sorry for the long essay. i divided it up so you can just go to the part you want to know about. you guys brought up some really good points/questions; it just got me thinking)

and LOL, I would NEVER ghost on you!!

Edited May 27, 2016 by tayriley

[salparadise]

I'm thinking about making one more call just on the off-chance his phone was dead or out of service when I called. I didn't leave a voicemail the first time, so in a way it's still up in the air.

 

so that's my dilemma now- do i just THINK he likes me because the alternative is too harsh?

 

The only reason not to give it one more try is to protect a fragile ego, and if you think about it rationally there's no reason to feel that way... because whether he's interested or not doesn't change anything about you. Wouldn't you be just as wonderful after that phone call, and regardless of the outcome, as you are sitting around wondering what if?

 

Making the ego subordinate to the intellect makes more good things possible.

[tayriley]

 

Making the ego subordinate to the intellect makes more good things possible.

 

wow. great f-cking quote.

[Fuerza]

I've been ghosted on 3 times now and honestly, it gets better but it still sucks really bad. The problem for me with ghosting is it leaves me behind with such confusion, I still to this day wonder what on earth I did wrong.

 

It's kind of interesting how guys even have tactics to ghost someone, my first date for example went pretty well and he sent out a message afterwards saying he wanted to meet up again etc. He proceeded to then ask how I was doing and he blocked me right after that. That way it makes you think the first days that he might have internet issues or whatever and that's why your messages are not coming through.

 

Some people are just *******s like this, in my case I just think to myself I'm glad they ghosted me, I wouldn't want to be with someone that does something like this. Teens ghost, not grown up adults.

[katiegrl]

 

CONCLUSION? I dont know whether it is my gut or my ego that says 'he likes me but he fears i dont like him!' A few days ago, if you asked me I would've said that's my gut feeling. But now, I wonder if it's just my ego trying to protect me from feeling rejected.

 

I included that story about my ex in the original post because at the time, i was SO SURE of myself- that's why i kept going back to him, even after he'd ghost on me for days or weeks. i knew with every fiber that he loved me and we were right for each other. but i was totally wrong.

 

so that's my dilemma now- do i just THINK he likes me because the alternative is too harsh?

 

 

Thank you for the update!!

 

With respect to the bolded above, what it sounds like to me, more than your ego trying to protect you, is projection -- you projecting your own feelings on to him.

 

This is so common we all do it....

 

When we like someone SO much, naturally we assume they MUST like us too.... which as you are learning just isn't always the case.

 

Good luck moving forward!

[phineas]

Because that's the difference between an FWB and a girlfriend. You don't owe anything in the former set up.

 

 

Eh, there is still a friend aspect of FWB and all my past FWB's and I still talk and are friendly or friends still.

 

we just realized, while attracted to each other & compatible sexually & enjoying each other's company we are simply just not compatible when it comes to relationships so why not get ours while looking for someone we fully click with?

[tayriley]

 

so why not get ours while looking for someone we fully click with?

 

because you are wasting all your care and friendship and flirtation with the one your are sleeping with.

 

fwb works in theory, but in my experience, it never ends well. also, i wouldn't be ok with any potential boyfriend that has a fwb around...and if he becomes my boyfriend, you better believe she is out of the picture or i am. no way i'd just let her linger around and still hang out with my bf...your entire relationship is based on sex and i'm supposed to be ok with her just being around? her mere presence would remind me of all the sex you had with her. you really think you can start a good relationship this way? or, the alternative- lie to your new gf about the fwb, and when she finds out, she'll break up with you.

 

of course, some people can be detached/cold enough to not care about these things...but for me, i dont want date people like that anyway.

[phineas]

because you are wasting all your care and friendship and flirtation with the one your are sleeping with.

 

fwb works in theory, but in my experience, it never ends well. also, i wouldn't be ok with any potential boyfriend that has a fwb around...and if he becomes my boyfriend, you better believe she is out of the picture or i am. no way i'd just let her linger around and still hang out with my bf...your entire relationship is based on sex and i'm supposed to be ok with her just being around? her mere presence would remind me of all the sex you had with her. you really think you can start a good relationship this way? or, the alternative- lie to your new gf about the fwb, and when she finds out, she'll break up with you.

 

of course, some people can be detached/cold enough to not care about these things...but for me, i dont want date people like that anyway.

 

Who the hell talks about that stuff?

At any given time when out with a group at a bar it's guarunteed i've slept with at least half the women in the group a few times and nobody has that knowledge. At least not from me.

 

FYI i'm almost mid 40's. it's different at my age than with younger generations i have to say.

 

Go to a POF meet.

It's like a clan of people in their 40's who are all screwing each other casually.

At my age i've met women who are able to maintain FWB's without catching feelings to the point where I am literally shocked because as long as i've known these women i've heard the same stuff you claim in this thread about relationships & casually sleeping with people.

 

Yet, they do it with me.

[tayriley]

Who the hell talks about that stuff?

At any given time when out with a group at a bar it's guarunteed i've slept with at least half the women in the group a few times and nobody has that knowledge. At least not from me.

 

 

so your answer is to lie by omission? let your gf walk into a room filled with women you've slept with and not know it?? let her be the silly gf that doesn't know anything? i would find that absolutely humiliating if a bf put me in that position.

 

what you are describing of POF (never been on the site) is just a bunch of people who want to have sex and not have a relationship...which is fine, but pretending otherwise is just delusional. i have no doubt women are perfectly fine having casual sex. but my point was that neither person in that situation is going to find a happy relationship that way.

 

you are not going to 'fully click' with anyone if all your sexual energy is going to your fwb. because no one is going to 'click' as well with you as someone you've known longer and have been sleeping with regularly. the only thing a new girl has going for her is the newness. once that wears off, you're back at finding someone else newer.

[phineas]

so your answer is to lie by omission? let your gf walk into a room filled with women you've slept with and not know it?? let her be the silly gf that doesn't know anything? i would find that absolutely humiliating if a bf put me in that position.

 

what you are describing of POF (never been on the site) is just a bunch of people who want to have sex and not have a relationship...which is fine, but pretending otherwise is just delusional. i have no doubt women are perfectly fine having casual sex. but my point was that neither person in that situation is going to find a happy relationship that way.

 

you are not going to 'fully click' with anyone if all your sexual energy is going to your fwb. because no one is going to 'click' as well with you as someone you've known longer and have been sleeping with regularly. the only thing a new girl has going for her is the newness. once that wears off, you're back at finding someone else newer.

 

Would you tell a man you were in a relationship if a man he just met at a party or event was someone who had sex with you?

 

I can promise you the women my age have had way more sexual partners than me.

Do you think they tell their current BF which guys they had sex with in the room?

HELL NO.

 

This is how it is post divorce in your late 30's/early 40's.

i'm guessing you are in your 20's.

You cannot apply what you know to my generation when it comes to dating.

It doesn't work because the rules are different.

[tayriley]

Would you tell a man you were in a relationship if a man he just met at a party or event was someone who had sex with you?

 

 

YES. and i'd expect the same if we were going to a function where i might run into one of his exes. it's common courtesy. this is absolutely something i'd break up with a guy over. it is betrayal to me, nothing less.

 

i get that YOU might not like to tell that information, but is it really for their sake or is it so you don't have to deal with the emotions that you might have to deal with after telling?? because from my end, it is just selfishness not telling, and it is a secret between you and the ex. that is emotional cheating to me.

 

 

This is how it is post divorce in your late 30's/early 40's.

 

...so post-divorce, lying to your significant other is suddenly ok??

Edited May 28, 2016 by tayriley

[phineas]

YES. and i'd expect the same if we were going to a function where i might run into one of his exes. it's common courtesy. this is absolutely something i'd break up with a guy over. it is betrayal to me, nothing less.

 

 

 

 

...so post-divorce, lying to your significant other is suddenly ok??

 

NO MAN wants to know who has been inside his woman.

Period.

Trust me on this.

As long as the guy in question isn't being an ass or bragging there is no reason to divulge your sexual past.

 

NOTHING good ever comes of it.

again, trust me on this.

[tayriley]

NO MAN wants to know who has been inside his woman.

Period.

Trust me on this.

As long as the guy in question isn't being an ass or bragging there is no reason to divulge your sexual past.

 

NOTHING good ever comes of it.

again, trust me on this.

 

NO WOMAN wants to be lied to about who her man has slept with. TRUST ME ON THAT.

 

imagine one of your exes or fwbs has feelings for you and then hits up your girl out of the blue and she is caught like a deer in headlights because she didnt know this person in her life used to sleep with you. that is HUMILIATING.

[Popsicle]

Ghosting is so hard, and dare I say, devastating to deal with. I'm always heartbroken to hear about when it's happened to someone. I think it's particularly hard to deal with because you think one thing about the person (i.e. you trust them) but it turns out that the exact opposite was true. It's flat out abandonment during the glory days and afterwards makes you doubt even your own judgement of people.

 

My BF has told me that when he doesn't want to see someone anymore that he ghosts on them. He has done this before to others too so I know he means it. I don't like it, but at least he warned me. If I don't hear from him anymore, I'll know that he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

Anyway, in general, ghosting is insensitive and cowardly, but people do it precisely because they are lazy and cowardly. I would only ever consider ghosting on someone who was just a F-ed up person or did something so wrong and unfixable to me that they deserve it.

[Zapbasket]

 

My BF has told me that when he doesn't want to see someone anymore that he ghosts on them. He has done this before to others too so I know he means it. I don't like it, but at least he warned me. If I don't hear from him anymore, I'll know that he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

Word to the wise (and from my own experience as well as that of others I know): when someone openly admits to something like this, it almost guarantees it will happen to you. People who ghost due to personal weakness usually don't admit to it, because they don't see themselves as being "that way." They just for whatever reason can't come up to the scratch of their own ideals. The people who openly admit to it, however, tend to have a nihilistic attitude about themselves and life: they know what they are and they are too callous/resigned/indifferent to try to change.

 

So basically, he is as good as promising you that you will face a train wreck down the road with him. If I were you, I'd end this now. No kidding.

 

Anyway, in general, ghosting is insensitive and cowardly, but people do it precisely because they are lazy and cowardly. I would only ever consider ghosting on someone who was just a F-ed up person or did something so wrong and unfixable to me that they deserve it.

 

Given the paragraph you wrote prior to this one, you're saying your bf is insensitive, lazy and cowardly. Do you really want to date someone with those qualities? I don't want to see you on here in a few months' time lamenting that you were ghosted on and how much it hurts. Please, save yourself the hurt now. What your bf said to you is not just a red flag you spotted waving in his backyard; it's a veritable red-flag sandwich that he served to you on a toasted bun with a toothpick through the middle, a pickle and side of chips. In some strange way it might look good; everyone loves a sandwich; but this one is poisonous. Don't eat it. End it with this guy.

[miafarrow]

Ghosting is so hard, and dare I say, devastating to deal with. I'm always heartbroken to hear about when it's happened to someone. I think it's particularly hard to deal with because you think one thing about the person (i.e. you trust them) but it turns out that the exact opposite was true. It's flat out abandonment during the glory days and afterwards makes you doubt even your own judgement of people.

 

My BF has told me that when he doesn't want to see someone anymore that he ghosts on them. He has done this before to others too so I know he means it. I don't like it, but at least he warned me. If I don't hear from him anymore, I'll know that he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

Anyway, in general, ghosting is insensitive and cowardly, but people do it precisely because they are lazy and cowardly. I would only ever consider ghosting on someone who was just a F-ed up person or did something so wrong and unfixable to me that they deserve it.

 

If i had a BF that told me he ghotsed on women... he wouldn't be my BF. sorry....

i dont get you or everybody justifying it...

 

People who ghost are weak.... i dont stick around them because they can be like - its good for couple of months or years then that person one day could just die...

If you cant confront with strangers who mean nothing to you and cant tell them "hey i changed my mind...sorry" they are like bad actors and hypocrites... I like you too much and 8 h later poof i changed my mind...

be honest and tell someone i met someone else..sorry!

 

people dont change... sorry!

 

good luck to you

[katiegrl]

If i had a BF that told me he ghotsed on women... he wouldn't be my BF. sorry....

i dont get you or everybody justifying it...

 

People who ghost are weak.... i dont stick around them because they can be like - its good for couple of months or years then that person one day could just die...

If you cant confront with strangers who mean nothing to you and cant tell them "hey i changed my mind...sorry" they are like bad actors and hypocrites... I like you too much and 8 h later poof i changed my mind...

be honest and tell someone i met someone else..sorry!

 

people dont change... sorry!

 

good luck to you

 

Would you prefer a boyfriend who has ghosted in the past, but did NOT tell you?

 

Okay joking, course you wouldn't want any guy who has a history of ghosting, but I wonder how many men (and women) have ghosted and *never* mentioned it to their partners.

 

Along with other negative traits they have not mentioned, like cheating for example.

 

I would venture to guess quite a lot!

 

Truth is there are probably a lot of things we don know about our partner's past, but if and when any negative shyt happens in our relationships , we just deal with it.....

 

I have never been ghosted knock wood, but if I ever was, I *know* I am a secure enough person *not* to take it personally, wondering what *I* did wrong, blaming myself.

 

I would assume he is either ambivalent, lost interest, found someone else or has a fear of commitment. Or something else.

 

Actually the reason would not even matter really. Not my problem!

 

It is over, he is gone .... so, while disappointed and hurt, I deal with it... and move on myself...without self blame .

 

Next....

Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[miafarrow]

I am not type of a woman who s interested in my bfs exes or how many girls he dated or slept with or how long was his longest relationship....

 

because if i decide to have some future with someone and be serious about it enough to not dating somene else or moving in... i wouldn't care what he did or how he behaved in his past...

 

but this girl who said this... its sad... he told her basically "i want you to be just mine but if i ghost dont be suprised, incould just vanish of i dont feel comfortable without any communication about real life issuses we deal with because i dont like it so bye" i interpret this like that.... to me it seems she is wasting time on somene who could go missing whenever he doesnt feels comfortable for any reason. maybe its his intern who saduced him so he vanished, maybe its her mother who told him privately they should get married and he felt struggled in private or whatever....

 

so if i am with someone that doesnt replies for more then 78 h and i ve seen him more them 8 times... i ve learnt they are weak pussies and i want a guy, not a coward... guy who can talk when he doesnt like my behaviour or vice versa... or tell me all the tjings above e.g. i think your mom is a bit too pushy and annoying and messing with our non marriage life when we dont want to get married at all... e.g.

 

and the author...

 

oh well... you went to a trip, right? and he ghosted?

 

better after 4 dates then in 4 months when you had to go to some business meeting for 3 weeks and he gets bored and lonely and hooks up with someone else...

 

you can learn from this guy that its not meant to be. he misses some affection for couple of days and he is already onto someone else probably... sorry! seems to me this guy doesnt waste his time chasing women...

 

p.s. didnt read the whole thread.... ive seen he didnt contact for 12 h then someone said 10 days....

guys is a looser...

and yes i'd prefer if a guy never told me he ghosted... then tell me at all...

its like someone saying to you i've cheated on someone in the past.... when i was 23 as a kid

grown people dont tell all about their past... they move on and leave past in the past... and what they do or did... if someone s the right one its not worth to spoil it by trash talk...

after all exes are for the reason the exes... some flings you ghosted are just some annoying chicks...right? why mention something thats forgoten and in the past to put some doubts and ruining something maybe good...people can change wjen they care about someone and meet someone new and different.. and everybidy deserves to be happy...

so if someone or i ****ed 5 men in the last month e.g. looool... amd met someone intelligent and normal and grown up... that doesnt matter? right?

Edited May 29, 2016 by miafarrow

[Robert]

As it appears multiple members forgot that we have civility and respect guidelines and this thread has gone off topic, thread closed. ~6