Ghosting- how do you move forward?

[Toodaloo]

I think this is why I sometimes don't kiss on a first date, because they may wind up ghosting on you anyway.

 

Anyhow, this has happened to me on many occasions. One local woman did this to me on OK Cupid, she set up a date with me, firmed plans, then she called me 2 days prior to cancel as she had a work obligation come up at the last min., sending her out of town.

 

She couldn't scheduled for the next 2 weekends, because she was helping her elderly parents on their Valentines and Anniversary days. (Yeah, weird, I know).

 

She eventually ghosted when I finally asked about a day DURING the week, instead of the weekend.

 

She even deleted her dating profile right after. Very strange.

 

Its not that weird. From where I am sat she just wasn't all that into you and didn't want to date you but didn't know how to tell you or say no... Really does look that simple to me.

 

Two strikes and its obvious...

[Shining One]

How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

If I reach out to someone twice and they don't respond, then I assume they've ghosted on me. I don't confront them, I just start dating other women.

How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

I live by the premise that every woman is replaceable. If one ghosts on me, there are many more available to take her place. I don't trust blindly and thus take things slowly, allowing trust to build.

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

It may not work for you, but a ONS usually helps me deal with ghosting frustrations.

[kztar]

Only because I have had a lot of practice...

 

I am great at dealing with being dumped. The glum feelings soon vanish and I don't sit around sobbing...

 

The bit I am rubbish at is when it comes to actually dating past a few dates... Again practice makes perfect so they say.

 

We all take time to reinforce our boundaries and learn what they are...

 

Makes me laugh really as I often think these guys who ghosted me think I am sitting around wishing my life away oh just to be with them... Truth is after a few weeks I struggle to even remember their names... Its only the ones who stuck around a while I remember. The rest I would struggle to even tell you what they look like...

 

Kinda embarrassing when one of them phones down the line and you have no clue who they are...

 

Thankfully I have always been able to talk to random people so I just make it up as I go along, ask questions so I don't have to think about conversation (people love talking about themselves) and then hope they don't bother calling again.

 

I agree. Practice makes perfection. I think im dating and learning myself. Prior to a few months ago no one ever ghosted on me before so I was a little confused in regards of what was going on. It seems to be a pretty common thing. Soon enough ill be a pro at reacting to these things

[kztar]

I was ghosted on after 6 WEEKS, this guy was in constant contact before then. I behaved like a bitch on our last date though which I think is why I got ghosted but before that I been ghosted on a few times. It's the norm in the dating world which sucks.

 

Im taking a long break from dating because you do need have tough skin, lot rejection etc. Maybe you need take a break?

 

SMH 6 weeks?. What an A hole. I get it, dating is a hit or miss but omg really. No need to ghost. We are adults.

[Toodaloo]

I agree. Practice makes perfection. I think im dating and learning myself. Prior to a few months ago no one ever ghosted on me before so I was a little confused in regards of what was going on. It seems to be a pretty common thing. Soon enough ill be a pro at reacting to these things

 

I look back to the dates I had at the beginning that I thought at the time were promising and I have to say if I went on them now I would not be wasting my time, effort or money on those guys.

 

There were signs but I didn't see them.

 

I still miss things but I am much less likely to get all loved up these days.

 

Ghosting after 6 weeks is a bit shameless... Thank God he did Sara... No one deserves that.

[PinkSunset]

Did you contact him at all while you were gone away? How many days was it?

 

If there was no contact from you the whole time maybe he got the wrong idea and thought you weren't interested?

 

If I was dating someone and they went away for 10 days I would at least hope they might say hello or send me a message at some point. Everyone is different though.

[kztar]

Did you contact him at all while you were gone away? How many days was it?

 

If there was no contact from you the whole time maybe he got the wrong idea and thought you weren't interested?

 

If I was dating someone and they went away for 10 days I would at least hope they might say hello or send me a message at some point. Everyone is different though.

 

I was wondering the same in this case TBH.

[BikerAccnt]

 

2)Easy, continue dating others and don't become too invested too soon. Again, another lesson learned for me. Once you've been on maybe 6 dates or more then you start considering next steps. Never date just one person, you never know how many other people the other person is dating. Some guys will tell you no im only dating you, but most of them are lying.

 

 

 

I really hate when people say this because it's BS. I only date one at a time, and all of my few remaining single friends are the same. We don't have the time, money, or inclination to multi-date...even when I was younger, I never multi-dated.

 

 

Now, on to the OP's question. As other said, you've called, he's not returned the call. You have your answer. I know, I've been recently ghosted myself. You move on by realizing that what's past is past and by doing your best to not ruminate on what was. IF they couldn't even muster the civility to return our calls, really, are they worth any more thought energy?

[katiegrl]

JMO but after only four dates, ten days without contact = lost the momentum, the connection.

 

I agree with some others who said sending a text or two while you were away may have helped keep it alive until you returned.

 

He was no doubt dating others, which is his right until exclusivity is established, so perhaps he met someone else.

 

I agree he should tell you that though, or simply say he no longer wishes to pursue it... even in a text message.

 

However, he may, and probably does, want to keep the door OPEN in case whoever he is dating now doesn't work out. Then he can fall back on you, and will call.

 

Can almost guarantee that this is precisely what will happen.

 

It happens so so much it's almost a given!

 

If/when he does, depending on how you feel at that time, you can decide what you want to do. See him again or just continue moving on.

 

But yeah I think the momentum/connection was lost during that ten days you were gone, especially if he was dating others.

[kztar]

I really hate when people say this because it's BS. I only date one at a time, and all of my few remaining single friends are the same. We don't have the time, money, or inclination to multi-date...even when I was younger, I never multi-dated.

 

 

Now, on to the OP's question. As other said, you've called, he's not returned the call. You have your answer. I know, I've been recently ghosted myself. You move on by realizing that what's past is past and by doing your best to not ruminate on what was. IF they couldn't even muster the civility to return our calls, really, are they worth any more thought energy?

 

Hey man I feel you. If I was a guy I would only date one person at a time too. I mean honestly who wants to spend lots of money on multiple girls?. I wouldn't. That is very respectable. Unfortunately majority of guys are multi dating. There are very few guys that only date one person at a time. These guys like to keep their options open. Dating doesn't necessarily have to be super expensive so It's really not that hard to make this possible. You can do a date at an ice cream shop, in a park, tons of free events, at least here in NYC.

 

A lot of guys don't really do expensive dates until they know they REALLY like the girl and could potentially have this person be their girlfriend. That's something that no one can control.

 

And im with you 100% on your advice to the OP.

[katiegrl]

 

Unfortunately majority of guys are multi dating. There are very few guys that only date one person at a time. These guys like to keep their options open.

 

I agree guys like to multi-date, but once they find that special lady (to him) who really knocks his sock off.... he will have no desire to multi-date any longer.

 

He will want to lock her down asap, which means they both stop multi-dating and focus only each other to see where, if anything, it will lead.

 

Ask any guy who has ever met that woman who totally and unequivocally knocked his socks off.... he will tell you after he met her, the desire to even meet, let alone date, other woman went down the drain....

 

This personally happened with my last bf after he and I met. He had been multi-dating for quite a while (years), but after we met, he locked me down on our second date! We were together six years, engaged to be married this year.

 

Same with my brother, who is getting married next month, after meeting the love of his love one year ago.

 

Until he met her, we (the family) thought he was actually a commitment-phobe!

Edited May 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[AnnaTjacks]

I have been ghosted before and understand how you feel. It's hard because you wonder is it something you did, is he really serious about a relationship or is he is involved with someone else. At that time, I did approach the guy about giving me a call again but he didn't. Later, I find out that he was involved with someone else. I moved on. Since you only had four dates with this guy, it is still pretty new. It would not hurt, to be totally honest with him to see where his mind is. That way you can have closure. I know you feel humiliated but believe me, it will pass. There is someone special for you. You are wonderfully created in God's image. Girl, hold your head up! What helped me in my past relationships is believing that if that person was meant for me, I would be with him. I look at the guys that I dated in the past (several ghosted me) and now I am so glad it happened.

[sarah999]

Last year I met up with a guy 2-3 times and didn't hear back. Tried waiting a few weeks to ask him over a 3rd time and after a day he said he was busy. Was officially ghosted, and that was last year. I kinda half believed it was because he was busy with school and blah blah. I am really sensitive and don't take these things well. Fortunately it was only 3 dates so it wasn't a big investment, so it didn't feel like the world crashing down but I admit I was disappointed.

 

Now if my current guy ghosted me, who I've been invested in for the past several months, that will be, well, not sure how I can deal with that.

 

How do you people even deal with ghosting/fading out after being with a person for several months?

[phineas]

Heh, that's just bad advice. If a woman plays silly head games expects me to respond positively, I guarantee she's going to be wondering why she got ghosted. Good relationships are reciprocal.

 

100%

I've had women where I could tell they wanted me to chase.

They would tell me they were "busy" when I asked them out but would not tell me when they weren't "busy".

 

Then they would hit me up to chat and flirt and i'd ask them again & the same.

After two rejects i ghost on them.

 

massive turn-off.

 

Then they start chasing like a month or two later.

 

OP, the million dollar question.

after 4 dates did you sleep with him?

[katiegrl]

 

OP, the million dollar question.

after 4 dates did you sleep with him?

 

It doesn't sound like it....

 

 

We had four great dates, couple of kisses, and I felt a nice excited attraction to him and I felt he had the same for me.

[phineas]

I've had women ghost on me anywhere from 1 to 4 months in.

Yes. 4 months.

just *POOF*.

 

Some of them came back and actually acted like nothing happened. or tried to pick up where we left off.

I don't think so.

 

Last yr my yr long FWB ghosted on me.

she didn't want to date, just have fun ect. so I wasn't attached but we were still friends.

if she wanted to end it she could of easily.

Why just disappear?

[frus69]

People disappear because they lack decency. When they face difficulty they back out like a coward. They don't have the courage to face the problem. You don't want to be with someone like this anyway.

 

 

It's THEIR problem and that's why you should move forward without blaming yourself.

[katiegrl]

JMO but I think many people ghost (as opposed to formally ending it) because they are ambivalent, and want to keep the door OPEN so they can contact later if they decide down the road they miss you and want to date you again.

 

I said this before, but this happens all the time!

 

And in some cases, it DOES work out the second time around.... timing is everything.

 

So maybe try to not take it so personally?

 

He/she is uncertain tis all. I think that's better than them KNOWING for certain that they're just not feeling it for ya... and never will, so they formally end it, forever.

 

I have never been ghosted and I am sure it feels super crappy but that is how I would see it.

 

Especially after only a few dates.

 

Just keep busy, live your life, date other guys, and perhaps one day down the road you will hear from him.... he will probably have some flimsy excuse, but hell who knows.

 

Like I said, timing is everything and often times it DOES work out the second time round.

 

Now after a few MONTHS? That is different and he/she is just a coward, period.

 

In that case, after a week or so of no contact, and assuming you have contacted them but received no reply.... block, delete, next.

 

I wouldn't even take that personally, THEY are the cowards.... be thankful you found out earlier rather than later....

Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dis]

JMO but I think many people ghost (as opposed to formally ending it) because they are ambivalent, and want to keep the door OPEN so they can contact later if they decide down the road they miss you and want to date you again.

 

I said this before, but this happens all the time!

 

And in some cases, it DOES work out the second time around.... timing is everything.

 

So maybe try to not take it so personally?

 

He/she is uncertain tis all. I think that's better than them KNOWING for certain that they're just not feeling it for ya... and never will, so they formally end it, forever.

 

I have never been ghosted and I am sure it feels super crappy but that is how I would see it.

 

Especially after only a few dates.

 

Just keep busy, live your life, date other guys, and perhaps one day down the road you will hear from him.... he will probably have some flimsy excuse, but hell who knows.

 

Like I said, timing is everything and often times it DOES work out the second time round.

 

Now after a few MONTHS? That is different and he/she is just a coward, period.

 

In that case, after a week or so of no contact, and assuming you have contacted them but received no reply.... block, delete, next.

 

I wouldn't even take that personally, THEY are the cowards.... be thankful you found out earlier rather than later....

 

katiegrl is right....

 

I'll shamefully admit when I first started talking to my now bf....I stopped texting him back after the first few days (We hadnt met at this point). This was during my first experience of OLD...I was extremely overwhelmed with all the messages I was getting..the whole experience of it....so I stoped texting him. At that point I dont think I couldve seen the right guy if he smacked me over the head. Pretty confusing time.

 

He messaged me a few months later...when things had calmed down a bit and had learned some valuable dating lessons...I was surprised to hear from him.... I told him straight up why I stoped texting him, that I was sorry and hoped we could pick up where we left off...and thats what we did...now we're one and a half months in and all is well so far.

 

So yes katiegrl is right...timing is everything.

 

OP, I would be reluctant to give this guy a second chance if he comes around again but I think some people deserve a second chance. (I'm glad I got one) But dont hold out hope for that...just keep moving it forward. The right one will come along hun

[LookAtThisPOst]

Its not that weird. From where I am sat she just wasn't all that into you and didn't want to date you but didn't know how to tell you or say no... Really does look that simple to me.

 

Two strikes and its obvious...

 

If she wasn't into me, she wouldn't contacted me, text me back and forth while she was working, and set up a date with me.

 

She's simply a cat fisher or probably was just impulsive about online dating, but chickened out.

[phineas]

katiegrl is right....

 

I'll shamefully admit when I first started talking to my now bf....I stopped texting him back after the first few days (We hadnt met at this point). This was during my first experience of OLD...I was extremely overwhelmed with all the messages I was getting..the whole experience of it....so I stoped texting him. At that point I dont think I couldve seen the right guy if he smacked me over the head. Pretty confusing time.

 

He messaged me a few months later...when things had calmed down a bit and had learned some valuable dating lessons...I was surprised to hear from him.... I told him straight up why I stoped texting him, that I was sorry and hoped we could pick up where we left off...and thats what we did...now we're one and a half months in and all is well so far.

 

So yes katiegrl is right...timing is everything.

 

OP, I would be reluctant to give this guy a second chance if he comes around again but I think some people deserve a second chance. (I'm glad I got one) But dont hold out hope for that...just keep moving it forward. The right one will come along hun

 

that isn't ghosting.

That's the standard for online.

You didn't even meet. That stuff is the norm for online.

Half the number's i get go that route.

 

You have to actually have met the person & spent time with them to the point where you OWE them some kind of breakup in order to be a decent person.

Not just disappearing on them.

[Emilia]

Last yr my yr long FWB ghosted on me.

she didn't want to date, just have fun ect. so I wasn't attached but we were still friends.

if she wanted to end it she could of easily.

Why just disappear?

Because that's the difference between an FWB and a girlfriend. You don't owe anything in the former set up.

[Toodaloo]

Hey man I feel you. If I was a guy I would only date one person at a time too. I mean honestly who wants to spend lots of money on multiple girls?. I wouldn't. That is very respectable. Unfortunately majority of guys are multi dating. There are very few guys that only date one person at a time. These guys like to keep their options open. Dating doesn't necessarily have to be super expensive so It's really not that hard to make this possible. You can do a date at an ice cream shop, in a park, tons of free events, at least here in NYC.

 

A lot of guys don't really do expensive dates until they know they REALLY like the girl and could potentially have this person be their girlfriend. That's something that no one can control.

 

And im with you 100% on your advice to the OP.

 

The answer to this one is simple (as I found out the hard way) as well. Don't date others who multi date. If they are multi dating just let them go. Same as ghosting. If a potential beau (male or female) is not into you 100% just let them go and carry on with life.

 

I tried it, multi dating that is. Really liked the guy. He wanted to multi date. I said OK as it made sense. Both "started" multi dating. When he discovered one of his "competition" was younger, had more hair, better job etc... well that didn't go down very well at all... Stupid thing is that I didn't want the younger guy. All I wanted was to get to know the guy I was dating... His loss and also his feelings that were hurt far more than mine. More so as he didn't get any "extra" dates to multi date... I guess sometimes its best to keep it simple. Good news is I discovered that he was a sulker and a "wants all the cake" kind of guy so I wasn't all that upset. The idea behind multi dating is pretty sound but the reality is not so great...

[kztar]

I agree guys like to multi-date, but once they find that special lady (to him) who really knocks his sock off.... he will have no desire to multi-date any longer.

 

He will want to lock her down asap, which means they both stop multi-dating and focus only each other to see where, if anything, it will lead.

 

Ask any guy who has ever met that woman who totally and unequivocally knocked his socks off.... he will tell you after he met her, the desire to even meet, let alone date, other woman went down the drain....

 

This personally happened with my last bf after he and I met. He had been multi-dating for quite a while (years), but after we met, he locked me down on our second date! We were together six years, engaged to be married this year.

 

Same with my brother, who is getting married next month, after meeting the love of his love one year ago.

 

Until he met her, we (the family) thought he was actually a commitment-phobe!

 

This is 100% accurate. When my ex and I met granted, things moved very fast but once a guy likes a girl that much he will immediately, set up dates, and not wait a long period of time to lock her down. Both parties will show mutual interest and not even have many words exchanged. Things will just flow on their own. Actions will speak for themselves.

 

When I met my EX after a few days I knew he was serious, I dropped out of phase of the earth to all those other guys I was "dating" or talking to. There was this guy specifically who I was dating for three months and he didn't make a move. Apparently, he was planning on doing so but then I got a boyfriend "overnight". He expressed to me he was dating other girls, would even tell me when he would go talk to these girls and whatnot. This was not a problem to me but I wasn't going to sit around and wait for this guy to make me his girlfriend if it even got to that point. He was angry I ended up dating someone else.

 

After just a few dates with my EX I immediately stopped dating others and he did the same. We never spoke about this until we were actually together but we both knew we wanted each other and our actions spoke for themselves. It's really not that hard to read through some of the dating lines.

 

About these ghosting individuals, only thing I have t say is we must learn how to filter them out. Im new to this too as this has only happened to me once recently.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The answer to this one is simple (as I found out the hard way) as well. Don't date others who multi date. If they are multi dating just let them go. Same as ghosting. If a potential beau (male or female) is not into you 100% just let them go and carry on with life.

 

I tried it, multi dating that is. Really liked the guy. He wanted to multi date. I said OK as it made sense. Both "started" multi dating. When he discovered one of his "competition" was younger, had more hair, better job etc... well that didn't go down very well at all... Stupid thing is that I didn't want the younger guy. All I wanted was to get to know the guy I was dating... His loss and also his feelings that were hurt far more than mine. More so as he didn't get any "extra" dates to multi date... I guess sometimes its best to keep it simple. Good news is I discovered that he was a sulker and a "wants all the cake" kind of guy so I wasn't all that upset. The idea behind multi dating is pretty sound but the reality is not so great...

 

Yeah, I prefer to date one woman at a time, but I don't have the luxury of being a multi-dater because I don't attract multitudes of women where I can have 3 different dates a week.