Ghosting- how do you move forward?

May 25, 2016

I've been ghosted. We had four great dates, couple of kisses, and I felt a nice excited attraction to him and I felt he had the same for me. Last time we saw each other, we spent hours talking and laughing.

The last date we had was 10 days ago. He hasn't called since. I thought he didn't contact me because I told him I was going out of town for a few days. So when I called him last night, I expected him to call me back. He never did. No call, no text.

I'm not writing to ask how to move forward with this guy. I know there is no moving forward. But this really put a knot in my stomach that I can't get rid of because I was reminded of the past. The last time I've been ghosted was my very first love- a friend I knew for 10 years, and dated for 2 years. Toward the end, he strung me along, and intermittently ghosted me. Being young and naive, I didn't get it so I kept going back to him. We're each others' best friend, i thought. How could he just IGNORE me completely???

But he did, and I suspect I never really trusted guys again. In the ten years following that breakup, I only had one serious relationship. Everything else lasted a couple of months at most.

I chose to trust this guy because I had a mutual friend with him, and he seemed like a geeky type and not a player. I felt the mutual attraction and thought he was a pretty straight-shooter. Guess I was wrong.

My question is-

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

May 25, 2016

Why don't you just contact him ?

You mention he is a geek, maybe he is taking you not contacting him as a sign you're not interested, because that's what usually happens to him ?

Maybe he thinks you friendzoned him ?

The internet tells one thing to men : "if a woman is interested, she will let you know".

Let him know.

May 25, 2016

Why don't you just contact him ?

You mention he is a geek, maybe he is taking you not contacting him as a sign you're not interested, because that's what usually happens to him ?

Maybe he thinks you friendzoned him ?

The internet tells one thing to men : "if a woman is interested, she will let you know".

Let him know.

Please re-read the second paragraph. I did contact him. I called him last night. In the past when I've called him, he has called me back right away, even if he was busy, he'd let me know. The fact that he has gone all night and now all morning not saying a thing to me tells me he has ghosted me.

Edited May 25, 2016 by tayriley

May 25, 2016

[quote=

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

1)You DO not contact them. I've been there and done that and it's not worth it. Ghosting speaks alot about character. If he wasn't interested thats fine but as a grown adult, he should have let you know. Wether he is busy or not if he was interested he would call or text. You've already done your part.

2)Easy, continue dating others and don't become too invested too soon. Again, another lesson learned for me. Once you've been on maybe 6 dates or more then you start considering next steps. Never date just one person, you never know how many other people the other person is dating. Some guys will tell you no im only dating you, but most of them are lying.

I know what it feels like to be disappointed by someone that you "thought" you had a connection with but people have the right to do as they please. Never EVER, think that your self worth is based on someone else's actions but your own. Sometimes is just that people are in different stages in life and they're not clear about it with others and most importantly themselves. This is not YOUR fault. Your self worth and value comes from within YOU. remember YOU are the prize. If a guy doesn't appreciate that, make sure you give him no room in YOUR life.

Good luck OP you'll do just great. Continue dating and don't get too invested too soon. Also make sure the guy chases after YOU. When it's easy, they get "bored" and move on to the next girl.

May 25, 2016

Also make sure the guy chases after YOU. When it's easy, they get "bored" and move on to the next girl.

Heh, that's just bad advice. If a woman plays silly head games expects me to respond positively, I guarantee she's going to be wondering why she got ghosted. Good relationships are reciprocal.

May 25, 2016

Heh, that's just bad advice. If a woman plays silly head games expects me to respond positively, I guarantee she's going to be wondering why she got ghosted. Good relationships are reciprocal.

Everyone is different. I agree with you with the reciprocal because it should be that way, but I've dealt with MANY guys who tell me that they like to CHASE. If a girl is too available, they don't take her serious. Im not Dr. Phil here just giving advice on general life experience.

May 25, 2016

Everyone is different. I agree with you with the reciprocal because it should be that way, but I've dealt with MANY guys who tell me that they like to CHASE. If a girl is too available, they don't take her serious. Im not Dr. Phil here just giving advice on general life experience.

I agree that such notions exist, and some women think it's a law of nature. But generalizing it to all men is erroneous. BTW, it works on [some] women too. But it's a childish, immature game, and it works on childish, immature boys. Just be authentic.

May 25, 2016

Sorry hon, it sucks but you'll be ok. ((tayriley))

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

IMO, 2 contacts, and the 2nd one should plainly be "hey did you get my message?" No answer to that is an unequivocal "no," which is what you're after so you don't have to guess.

You can confront if you want, but don't be butthurt or dramatic. If it was me and I really wanted to press it, I'd just say sth like "hey btw, just wanted you to know what you did is really sh**y. No need to reply, bye." If you go beyond anything like that you just come off as an obsessive stalker risk type, justified or not.

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

Say "f**k you" to them out loud (at home, alone, so no one thinks you're crazy lol) and pee on some article of theirs they left behind.

(You srsly just want to restore the notion of your primacy. Life is about you, not random ghosts.)

May 25, 2016

Honestly, I wouldn't waste any more of my precious time or energy on anyone who doesn't have the decency to return a phone call, especially after 10 days of no contact.

It's only been 4 dates with this guy in particular and although his actions are bringing up old feelings about a past relationship you have to remember their behavior is no reflection on you but of themselves and their level of immaturity and cowardliness.

Chalk it up to a dud and be thankful it didn't go on longer than 4 dates.

And being a decent human being doesn't require games of any kind.

Sorry this happened to you OP but you can't let these hiccups stop you cold in your tracks every time. You're gonna haven to grow a bit of thicker skin if you want to date in today's world.

Good luck.

May 25, 2016

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

One call and/ or text. After that its obvious and to put it bluntly if they treat me like that then they simply are not worth my time.

As for what I text I don't do "hey" or "how are you" texts in these situations. I get off my backside and live so I can text "I am at this amazing concert/ show/ activity and its totally rocking - why are you not here?"

I do not confront them. What the point if they are ignoring your calls and texts anyway? No point wasting breath on someone who is not listening anyway...

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

I accept that that is obviously the way they are, I am grateful that they showed me sooner rather than later. Then I get up and go out. I find fun things to do and things that enrich my life and I go and do them. Why bother getting angry because someone is sat at home while I am going out and having a ball or discovering a really great book or a fabulous new artist or new music or a new style of dance or... sorry who was that person again? Oh yeah I think I remember... Hard to be angry when you have a full and enriching life already and they become forgettable. People like this just become someone that you once knew. Insignificant and irrelevant.

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

Until someone proves their worth do not think them worthy. Make people earn your love and trust that way you give it to people worth and not randoms who quite frankly are not worth the brain space. It is not your behaviour so why are you humiliated? You can't control others actions only your own so as long as you have acted properly you have nothing to be ashamed of. If someone is a restaurant farts do you take the blame for it and get embarrassed? No? Same principle applies here.

Disappointed is OK. Its OK to be disappointed when you are let down or someone turns out to be a different person to the one you thought they were. Just don't let it fester and get over that disappointment by remembering that they are not all that great if they do not behave in a great way...

May 25, 2016

one call and/ or text. After that its obvious and to put it bluntly if they treat me like that then they simply are not worth my time.

As for what i text i don't do "hey" or "how are you" texts in these situations. I get off my backside and live so i can text "i am at this amazing concert/ show/ activity and its totally rocking - why are you not here?"

i do not confront them. What the point if they are ignoring your calls and texts anyway? No point wasting breath on someone who is not listening anyway...

I accept that that is obviously the way they are, i am grateful that they showed me sooner rather than later. Then i get up and go out. I find fun things to do and things that enrich my life and i go and do them. Why bother getting angry because someone is sat at home while i am going out and having a ball or discovering a really great book or a fabulous new artist or new music or a new style of dance or... Sorry who was that person again? Oh yeah i think i remember... Hard to be angry when you have a full and enriching life already and they become forgettable. People like this just become someone that you once knew. Insignificant and irrelevant.

Until someone proves their worth do not think them worthy. Make people earn your love and trust that way you give it to people worth and not randoms who quite frankly are not worth the brain space. It is not your behaviour so why are you humiliated? You can't control others actions only your own so as long as you have acted properly you have nothing to be ashamed of. If someone is a restaurant farts do you take the blame for it and get embarrassed? No? Same principle applies here.

Disappointed is ok. Its ok to be disappointed when you are let down or someone turns out to be a different person to the one you thought they were. Just don't let it fester and get over that disappointment by remembering that they are not all that great if they do not behave in a great way...

nailed it.

May 25, 2016

My question is-

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

Here's an article about it

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

I don't know how useful you'll find it, but sometimes it helps to remember that unpleasant as this behaviour is - you're far from alone in experiencing it, and it's normal to feel disappointed and angry about this.

I think this part may be especially useful:

Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset?...Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control.

You only returned from your trip very recently, and called him last night. I might be alone in thinking this, but I wouldn't assume "that's it - it's over. There's no moving forward with this guy." A couple of days to get back to you wouldn't, in my book, be a big deal if he's got a lot on just now. On the other hand, you might well be right in thinking that he's not going to call you back - and I wouldn't want to encourage you to have false hope about that either. I just think it's possible that you're being premature in writing things off.

What seems more likely is that by not calling you back straight away, he's indicated to you that he's not as excited about things as you are, or as you hoped he was. It doesn't mean he's not going to call at all, but I think a fair response to this disappointment would be to cool your excitement for this guy. It's fun to have all those good feelings of excitement about somebody new, but you have to be fairly ruthless about learning to put them on ice when you get the sense that they're not being reciprocated. That means switching your focus elsewhere. You have no control over whether or not this guy is going to contact you, but there are many other areas of your life that you do have control over. Give those other things your attention and energy. Don't kill off the excited, optimistic feelings he awakened in you...but do channel that excitement and positivity into other aspects of your life.

The issue of trust: The person you have to learn to trust above all others is yourself. If you are able to trust yourself (to cope, to survive, to be resourceful) then the prospect of other people letting you down, or abandoning you, or rejecting you becomes far less scary. And that is how you avoid letting these scenarios destroy your sense of self worth. It doesn't necessarily mean you become some super-confident, super-secure person - and it doesn't mean you become blind to the reality that some people you like/admire/feel connected to might not value you as highly as they wish you did. But it does make you more resilient to situations like this one.

Traditional wisdom says that if that guy were crazy about you, he'd have called you back straight away. I mean, that is just the way men are. Whether they're geeks, or pick-up-artists (not that the two aren't often one and the same), rich men, poor men, tinkers, tailors, beggarmen, thieves....they all are alike in one way. When they're crazy about a woman, they won't mess about playing waiting games after she's been away somewhere for a few days. They'll be on the phone to her arranging to see her as soon as they can. Unless they're shy to the point of being totally self sabotaging or harbour a lot of negativity/confusion in their minds and are trying to game you in an attempt to get the upper hand in a situation that leaves them feeling insecure.

Is that you in the avatar? If so, you're an absolutely stunning girl. You write well. You come across as a thoughtful, decent person. From the way so many men write about the difficulties of finding a good woman, I should have thought you would be an absolute prize. Maybe the guy, especially if he's a geek, is riddled with insecurities about whether he could make a relationship with you work.

One can only guess, but whatever the reasons are I don't see how you can go wrong by switching your focus away from him and onto other things. If he's playing games, then by switching your focus away from him effectively you'll be leaving him to waste time playing a little chess match without any opponent. If he's snowed under with other things, you'll be avoiding being a source of additional stress, demands and negativity at this very early stage in your acquaintance. If he's lost interest in pursuing things with you, then by switching your focus away your interest and upset will also wane in the coming weeks.

Focus on the things you can control, push that which you can't control out of your mind.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Taramere

May 25, 2016

Being ghosted sucks. And sometimes, for whatever reason, it just hits you a lot harder than other times. I feel for you because the same thing just happened to me and I'm still getting over it. I think when it's someone you truly started to like and possibly develop feelings for, there's a disconnect in your mind. You feel like because you feel a certain way about this person, they must feel the same way about you. And no one who feels that way could possibly just vanish without any explanation.

As far as your questions go, I'd say: 1) Once is enough. Which should be the general rule for contacting anyone. If you call and leave a message indicating you want to be called back, that's clear enough for anyone. If they can't call you back within a reasonable time (or at least text to explain why they can't call you back), that's a loud and clear indicator of their interest. When you get ghosted it's easy to feel like "maybe they didn't see my call or text..." that's why I think one call (with a voicemail) is enough. It's extremely unlikely they missed the call AND the message. If they can't be bothered to contact you ever again, they're sending a message. In that case, I don't think it's worth the time or effort to confront them. They should know how they come across for not responding to someone who clearly was interested in them. Plus, if you contact them to beg/please or even just to berate them, it will give them justification in feeling what they did was the right thing.

2) Like someone else mentioned, you just keep going. Luckily this happened fairly early on before you were really attached, unlike the previous time. You just keep your head up and keep moving forward. One relationship doesn't define you. You were who you were before you met this person, and you'll be the same person now. Someone else will appreciate you for who you are and wouldn't dream of ghosting on you.

May 25, 2016

The sad thing is that there isn't really anything you can do about ghosting, except try your best to assess the character of a person before you get serious with them (specifically, how they respond to discomfort in interpersonal relationships).

Frankly, people who ghost are conflict avoidant selfish cowards, and care only about saving their own discomfort of letting someone down. The truth is that this does FAR more damage than an actual confrontation or breaking things off does. The person being ghosted is left incredibly confused, without closure, and carries mistrust with them into their future dating/relationship experiences, which you seem to have already experienced. It creates a culture of mistrust.

Ghosting someone is like peeing in the pool. It ruins things for everyone!

May 25, 2016

The observation I've made over the years is that it's the person that is the most attached to the one ghosting on her/him that will pursue indefinitely and desperately. Just don't, it hurt yes, it's cruel, but it's a pretty clear signal that the person ghosting on you noticed you became too attached (clingy?) And they need space or are just not interested in a relationship. What hurts the most? Being ghosted on or being told bluntly that it's over? I haven't figured out yet, but the silence speaks a lot too.

Don't contact again, acknowledge the message or the absence of message as losing interest. Move on to dating other people, focus on your hobbies and the things that makes you happy, friends and families.

I find ghosting rather manipulative and passive-aggressive, some people are like that.

May 25, 2016

Ghosting someone is like peeing in the pool. It ruins things for everyone!

ahh, but the pool has chlorine

May 25, 2016

ahh, but the pool has chlorine

I have to disagree. You can't deny that this ghosting phenomenon is doing more bad than good. I don't think remaining passive about a social issue is going to help. At some point, people need to start making a collective call to action on these kind of issues. Otherwise, we'll continue staring at our phones as the world crumbles all around us.

May 25, 2016

I have to disagree. You can't deny that this ghosting phenomenon is doing more bad than good.

Absolutely. I hope the word 'honesty' still rings a bell. I wonder how this can be a good thing for the dating scene.

Otherwise, we'll continue staring at our phones as the world crumbles all around us.

Also true, ultimately it's just about harming others by remaining silent, and lacking the will to tell things as they are.

PS: Talking about people who have already gone on dates, kissed or even slept together and were exclusive.

May 26, 2016

Dating will always be a hit-and-miss. It will never be all great, so you will need to toughen your skin and be ready for the next disappointment when it happens - because that's what dating is. It's unknown, its choices, its not set in stone, its up in the air. Even long term relationships fall apart, that's just a fact of life. But its pointless to never trust again or love again, because then you're only hurting yourself, you're throwing in the white flag, you're giving up on yourself not the other people.

As far as confronting ghosts, you absolutely can. You should always do what feels right to you. I've confronted lots of guys in my past, whether they ghost, cheat, or lead me on. I've always felt much better after confronting them, as opposed to going silent, but that's because I'm the type of person who can't sit on my feelings.

When you do confront them - they might ignore you, they might apologize, they might beg for you back, or they might lead you on again. The decision you make comes from yourself only, and how you feel, trust your gut. Say your peace. Don't get sucked in again. Move on and find a guy who would never ghost you in the first place.

And when it comes to dating - the saying "Three strikes you're out" does not apply. After the first strike, they're out. If you give someone two strikes, then you're waging your bets.

May 26, 2016

I chose to trust this guy because I had a mutual friend with him, and he seemed like a geeky type and not a player. I felt the mutual attraction and thought he was a pretty straight-shooter. Guess I was wrong.

It was a mistake on your part , first blindly trusting someone who did not earn your trust for the mere reason that you have a mutual friend , and second , you judged him on his looks , real players , do not look like players ..... ( always keep that in mind)

My question is-

1) How do you deal with ghosts? How many times do you contact them to make absolute sure they are ghosting you and didn't just miss your call? What do you text to them? Do you ever try to confront them to tell them they've been sh-tty?

You don't , as simple as that , he could be going cold to drive you insane and insecure so you would come running or he lost interest , in both cases , contacting him is a bad idea , let him contact you

2) How do you move on? How do you not let the anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? How do you trust again for the next person?

anger, disappointment and frustration destroy your sanity and self-worth? wow , look , you invested way too much in this guy, so move on to other guys and let him be , move very fast from one guy to another until you find someone who appreciate your worth and commits to you , let A-holes bang their heads against a wall

I just feel so disappointed and humiliated. Any advice on how to get over this would be super appreciated.

you really shouldn't , he sounds like he doesn't worth one minute of your time , go and meet someone else , he lost you , not the other way around

good luck

May 26, 2016

nailed it.

Only because I have had a lot of practice...

I am great at dealing with being dumped. The glum feelings soon vanish and I don't sit around sobbing...

The bit I am rubbish at is when it comes to actually dating past a few dates... Again practice makes perfect so they say.

We all take time to reinforce our boundaries and learn what they are...

Makes me laugh really as I often think these guys who ghosted me think I am sitting around wishing my life away oh just to be with them... Truth is after a few weeks I struggle to even remember their names... Its only the ones who stuck around a while I remember. The rest I would struggle to even tell you what they look like...

Kinda embarrassing when one of them phones down the line and you have no clue who they are...

Thankfully I have always been able to talk to random people so I just make it up as I go along, ask questions so I don't have to think about conversation (people love talking about themselves) and then hope they don't bother calling again.

May 26, 2016

I was ghosted on after 6 WEEKS, this guy was in constant contact before then. I behaved like a bitch on our last date though which I think is why I got ghosted but before that I been ghosted on a few times. It's the norm in the dating world which sucks.

Im taking a long break from dating because you do need have tough skin, lot rejection etc. Maybe you need take a break?

May 26, 2016

It's not just the ghosting, it's how suddenly it comes along. For many, me including, it came right at the moment when everything seemed to be going okay. Loads of contact then straight to none. Fading is bad too, but that sudden change from someone who we thought felt the same way we do is a real kick in the teeth. In some ways, it is like a break up in the way it can bring everything crashing down in an instant. I agree with many here though that chasing is wrong once someone has gone distant. You never needed to force them to contact you before, so why now. Interested people act interested and a text/phone call takes seconds, so there's no excuse. It does just hurt when it happens and it's that shock coupled with the unknown that takes a while to get over.

May 26, 2016

First of all there isn't anything wrong with you.

I know that is easier to hear than to believe, but it is so easy to think WHAT HAVE I DONE that made him walk away

There isn't anything you had done other than liking someone and no one can blame you for that.

I literally went through this last night, with someone being shifty and a text to say I met someone else. I was hurt! I really liked him and i thought I liked him, did I come on too strong?

You know what you may have, but that's okay. You liked someone, you felt vulnerable and you emotionally invested. Old wounds flare up I bet but one thing that may save yourself from stiffening your heart in order to resist getting hurt is this

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME, BUT SOMEONE OUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY IS RIGHT FOR ME ( WHO I WILL MEET SOON)

Once I heard my ex boyfriend didn't want to resume things but he met someone else, I just went on another date with someone else. Felt awesome. Put myself out there.

seriously when you meet the right person, ain't anyone gonna be ghosting on you. They'll be loyal to you.

Your worth it and precious and this guy was not worth it. You'll waste energy thinking about it where it could be used to meet new people

Remember: Nothing is wrong with you! okay?

Best of luck

May 26, 2016

I've been ghosted. We had four great dates, couple of kisses, and I felt a nice excited attraction to him and I felt he had the same for me. Last time we saw each other, we spent hours talking and laughing.

I think this is why I sometimes don't kiss on a first date, because they may wind up ghosting on you anyway.

Anyhow, this has happened to me on many occasions. One local woman did this to me on OK Cupid, she set up a date with me, firmed plans, then she called me 2 days prior to cancel as she had a work obligation come up at the last min., sending her out of town.

She couldn't scheduled for the next 2 weekends, because she was helping her elderly parents on their Valentines and Anniversary days. (Yeah, weird, I know).

She eventually ghosted when I finally asked about a day DURING the week, instead of the weekend.

She even deleted her dating profile right after. Very strange.

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Ghosting- how do you move forward?

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