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Posted

We've been in a LDR for over a year now. We met online, hit it off quickly, met up in real life, and we see each other once every 2 months or so for a brief period of time. I'm sure she really loves me, she'll do almost anything for me, she gets me gifts even when I don't ask, she thinks I'm the last man in her life. Basically to her, I am her world.

 

Since the beginning, I was just going with the flow with her, she was the one that initiated this entire relationship. Over time we had fights and problems that she promised to rectify, but as soon as the relationship becomes comfortable/stable again, she repeats them. The sex life isn't all too great. I bring her out everywhere with me especially when I drink with my close friends, but over time I much prefer to be without her due to the drama/fights that usually happen when she's there. She wouldn't allow me to be with my friends without her, she can't accept that. At times when I get really busy, she'll suspect I'm cheating on her despite informing her that I'll be busy with work, resort to asking my friends (which one lied to her) instead of me, and therefore, drama. We also don't have much in common, our night outs together aren't really fun, I love to sit down with a drink and chat the night away, which with her, is usually dull and boring.

 

Gradually I notice myself being emotionless, always wanting my own space, which she's having trouble giving to me, and now she can't. Its hard to describe, its as if I fell out of love. I do care about her, I want the best for her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her. When we're together, I have this attitude where I seem content, mind my own business, and do other things, and not be all lovey dovey all over her. It kills to see how much she's hurting, but I have this feeling that if I were to come back and try to work things out, the bad things that were deteriorating our relationship might come back. We tried talking to each other about our problems, but end up resenting each other, trying to put blames/faults upon each other.

 

So at this point, I'm trying to figure out if its best that I come back and try work things out, or maybe it has to end for good? Despite her terrible habits, she's a VERY loving and caring woman to me and my family. This woman LOVES me. Will I regret this? Help me decide I'm a young dumb bloke and have been thinking for days!

Posted
Despite her terrible habits, she's a VERY loving and caring woman to me and my family. This woman LOVES me.

But do you LOVE her?

 

I'm guessing not, from the rest of this post. In fact it sounds as though you don't even like her very much.

  • Author
Posted
But do you LOVE her?

 

I'm guessing not, from the rest of this post. In fact it sounds as though you don't even like her very much.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. If I really loved her, I'd go back to her and try my best to make things work out like it used to. Another part of me wants to take a break, have a little bit of freedom, but is afraid of losing what could be a great woman.

Posted

Dude you need to break it off with her. It's unfair to string her along.

 

No breaks or time apart or thinking will fix this. Break up. It will be difficult and she will get hurt, but not as much as she'll get hurt if you carry on leading her on.

  • Author
Posted

I guess you're right. I can't explain why occasionally I get these feelings inside me that I can fall in love with her again, like my mind is telling me to get back with her and shower her with love simply because of the nice things she has done for me. Its so hard to get my mind straight on what's right!

Posted

So really you got an ego boost at the beginning from her thinking you're her world, and now that boost has waned, you want out.

 

You already know how you feel; in fact, it looks like you've known for a while. Stop taking the cowardly way, do the both of you a favour and tell her it's over, because it is; with all due respect, she'll get over it with time.

  • Author
Posted
So really you got an ego boost at the beginning from her thinking you're her world, and now that boost has waned, you want out.

 

You already know how you feel; in fact, it looks like you've known for a while. Stop taking the cowardly way, do the both of you a favour and tell her it's over, because it is; with all due respect, she'll get over it with time.

 

Thank you. Could you elaborate a little more why its over? I'm sorry for asking but I need clarifications drilled into my head.

Posted
Thank you. Could you elaborate a little more why its over? I'm sorry for asking but I need clarifications drilled into my head.

 

Because you're not in love with her, by your own admission. That's reason enough.

  • Like 1
Posted

Once you fall out of love, you can't go back. You're not compatible and her possessiveness and the lack of commonalities has killed the relationship. Those things won't change over time. This is who she is.

 

You both will find love again in time. She will hurt now but eventually be better off with someone who is in love with her. We all deserve to be with someone who we are in love with and is in love with us back.

Posted

You are not in love with her and from your post it seems that you are not very interested in her at all. It would be unfair to string her along.

 

It also seems like she is quite possessive and insecure (I might be wrong on this). LDR relationships are basically based on trust. If she can't trust you (vice versa) the relationship has no future. I have done LDR with my now ex and can tell you that it is a bloody mission. You have to take out a lot of time for each other just to keep the spark alive.

Posted

You dont want her but you dont want to let her go. Moreso, you dont want her to let you go.

Not fair.

Go take that freedom you want.

That in and out of love feeling is habit and infatuation...push/pull.

It isnt healthy, things have gotten stale and sour and you know pulling the plug for good is best but your being a coward, your ego makes you afraid to be alone or that she might find someone so your dragging it out.

Let it go.

Posted

I was recently in the exact same situation as you. LDR and everything.

 

Let it go. Trust me. I moved mine to be with me and it blew up in our faces big time. I wish I had the strength to let it go before we made even bigger mistakes/destruction.

  • Author
Posted

A little update here guys, so I told her its final and that we should move on. She couldn't sleep at all and texted me very early in the morning telling me how we both aren't perfect but she did everything in her power to make sure things go well for us both. I had a lot of reconsideration that I could give this another chance, but I honestly don't know how that will work out. She's telling me how she always wants to be with me, even in the "next life" and etc, telling me how one day I will realize how much one could ever love me, its just sad and heart-breaking :(

 

I feel like a terrible terrible man, at the beginning she was so in love with me and the idea of our future, and I was going along with it making her feel so loved until one day I suddenly fell out of it. There's this little part in me that thinks I can save this, learn to appreciate and love her more. What do you's think?

Posted

You are not a terrible man. You just feel bad because she's hurting & you caused it. I'm not saying you caused it to put blame on you or to fault you but you reached a decision to break up with her & as a result she got hurt so now you feel bad. It's not fun or pleasant to know that you are the source of someone else's pain. However, that is not a good enough reason to stay with her.

 

 

She doesn't trust you. She calls your friends to find out where you are & what you are doing. She can't accept your statement that you are busy with work. She is interfering with your ability to hang out with your friends, which is ridiculous & manipulative. You have different ways of having fun; what you see as an enjoyable way to spend an evening she finds dull.

 

 

There are no good reasons to stay with her. You gave it a chance. You learned you are incompatible. Allowing her to even try to fundamentally change who she is solely so you don't break up with her will lead to her being unhappy in the long run, if she can even sustain such changes in the short run.

 

 

Better she should be a little unhappy now then you two continue & you be miserable for the rest of your life.

Posted

I feel like you already know deep down what you want to do. Youre jut looking for someone to validate that your decision is/was the right one.

 

This analogy might sound weird, but if you flip a coin.. heads you go back to her tails you walk away with the decision you already made.. the moment you toss the coin in the air your brain will tell you which one you secretly want it to land on.

 

That is because you already know the answer. You just have to stick with the decision you already made. You said you didn't love her anymore. Maybe it was you never did and you just convinced yourself you did?

 

Either way, the regret feeling is normal. But in the end, it was probably the right decision than to string her along.

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