ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I think the title pretty much sums it up. I have been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days. I have come out of a relationship recently. I occasionally cry for him. I miss him the most when I am alone or in the mornings. I don't see a future with him (abusive relationship) but I miss him being around. How do you know if you are truly over someone (without rebounding)? Is the emptiness from love or loneliness? How do you even tell? 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 When you have your life together and you feel benign indifference. That is, you can see them in the arms of another, deeply in love and holding their baby, and all you can think is "Well, I'm so happy for them.... damn, I forgot to pick up any milk from the store....!" Read the NC Guide in my signature (see link). Hope it helps, ask whatever you need to ask... We're here to help. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 one way i know how i am ready for love is not when i feel alone or lonely(i actually seek out alone time anyway) or blue...or troubled ....but when i am truly joyous when my skin cant contain happiness...and i want to share that happiness with someone...when i find something funny or think of something really funny....and i want to call that special guy in my life and make him feel it too....... when i see something beautiful or have something really special happen...and i want that special moment to be shared...thats when i know i am ready to love another..when theres no image of a person there.no face attached to a desire..just a possibility...a dream of a guy sharing those snapshots and good times with me..deb 1
Buddhist Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You know you are over them when you don't think of them at all, or notice their absence in your life. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 I am so confused with my progress. We broke up on May 8th 2016. I went through anger and empowerment as my first initial moment. I felt liberated because I felt freedom from the abuse he dished out to me. He was still constantly calling me at this stage. I was not picking up because I knew if we talked I would go back (been there done that). Then I became nostalgic. His calls stopped. I started remembering all our good moments. I started becoming lonely and started missing him. I have periods of empowerment, where I am happy for my new future and other times where I am longing for him. Even the thought of him with another woman breaks me. He started talking to girls pretty much immediately after we broke up (2nd day post break up). He has moved on, at least mentally now. Why can't I do the same? I am not a weak woman. I am usually much stronger than this. I just want the constant mood swings to end coz it is driving me crazy. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 It takes time. NC helps. Stick with it. You can't get over a long term relationship in a coupe of weeks. He seems to be over it (with others etc) because he is emotionally empty. It's easy for those with no feelings to move on. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 He was claiming that he had been done with the crying and the emotional distress. I believe it to a certain extent, but then the other (logical) side of me wonders how can you be distraught when you are already looking at other women? 1
PegNosePete Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You need to stop wondering about that. It's totally irrelevant to YOU and your healing. It doesn't matter if he's crying, in distress, over it, looking at others etc. The relationship is over; it's NOYB any more. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 When did you actually break up with him for good? How long ago? 2
mikeylo Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You need to stop thinking what he is doing or not doing. Bring focus back on you. What are you doing ? For yourself ? To help you move on ? By thinking about him , you are not helping yourself. Time is the best healer. Go NC. That's the only way 3
AnnaTjacks Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I'm sorry to hear about your breakup ForeverAlone. Breaking up with someone you care about is hard. I know how it is to be in love with someone, but it doesn't work out. Time does heal, so give yourself space to mend your broken heart. You are much too valuable to be in an abusive relationship. The emptiness you feel could be from both missing that person and loving him. Have you tried to engage in other activities to get your mind off him? I will be praying for your healing during this hard time in your life. 3
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 We broke up on the 8th May 2016. I have tried a lot of things to distract myself. I make dates with myself, listen to my fav music, etc etc. While I am at work everything is fine. I live alone which adds to the misery. Its gotten to the point where I am even dreaming about him several times during the night and I wake up periodically with a pang in my heart. I know I shouldn't care what he is doing right now or whether he has moved on but it is so hard. Everyday I think 'I will not think about him today' but that process leads to him being on mind all the time. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 I had never met a guy who I thought I could marry and when it all came shattering down it tore me apart. I am trying NC but its so difficult. I have read posts where people get over it in 30 days. My ex did it in 2 weeks. Why can't I do it? I actually feel like I have gone backwards which is why I am sooo confused. I was fine in the first couple of days. I was happy. I was free. I felt like someone took my chains off and I could breathe again. But now I am miserable. Isn't it meant to be the other way around? 1
LD1990 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 The healing process takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace. Everything you're going through is normal. It's unpleasant, but it's normal, and it will get better. Getting over a breakup is often up and down. Those down periods don't mean you're getting worse, it just means you're in a sad mood. I've been there. Thinking about the ex whenever I'm alone. Feeling sad out of nowhere. Waking up from dreams of her and feeling sad when I remembered that she's gone. You've been broken up a very short period of time, just keep that in mind. I'd recommend finding a goal you can really attack. If you have a focus in life, it gives you something positive to work towards and keeps your mind on that instead of your ex. For me, that was building my writing career. Maybe yours could be career-related, too, or you could pick up a hobby you've always wanted to try? People often get comfortable being in a relationship, and then when it ends, it leaves them feeling empty and purposeless. Pursuing your own life goals can give you that fulfillment back and remind you that you're the one in charge of building a life you enjoy. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 The healing process takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace. Everything you're going through is normal. It's unpleasant, but it's normal, and it will get better. Getting over a breakup is often up and down. Those down periods don't mean you're getting worse, it just means you're in a sad mood. I've been there. Thinking about the ex whenever I'm alone. Feeling sad out of nowhere. Waking up from dreams of her and feeling sad when I remembered that she's gone. You've been broken up a very short period of time, just keep that in mind. I'd recommend finding a goal you can really attack. If you have a focus in life, it gives you something positive to work towards and keeps your mind on that instead of your ex. For me, that was building my writing career. Maybe yours could be career-related, too, or you could pick up a hobby you've always wanted to try? People often get comfortable being in a relationship, and then when it ends, it leaves them feeling empty and purposeless. Pursuing your own life goals can give you that fulfillment back and remind you that you're the one in charge of building a life you enjoy. I am restraining myself from calling him and telling him that I love him and that I miss him so much. It gets harder everyday. I hope I can recover as well as you have and I hope I can do this sooner rather than later, because I can feeling it eating through me. The dreams are the worst aren't they? I have on a few occasions actually woken up with tears streaming down my face. I am trying to set a new goal in my professional life and I will try to focus on that. I am fine at work because I am around people. When I come home, its me and my solitude that drives me insane. I just want to be with him and forget everything. If he apologised (even once) for his behaviour I would have given in. It just reaffirms that he will never change - well at least my love for him won't make him change. I will get there. Maybe not today but definitely one day. 1
mercy222 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I'm must certainly sorry that you're feeling so sad and lonely. I'll be praying for God to restore you soon. You did well terminating an abusive relationship, those tend to bring hopeless feelings, but I applaud your courage. You don't deserve that. Have you consider seeking counseling? It would make a world of a difference and will help you cope and know what to expect from your ex, support you and help you come out strong and whole. Your safety is as important as your emotional and spiritual health. Stand firm, you're stronger than you think! God bless you and keep you. 2
Satu Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 It depends on how you look at what you are experiencing. Make sure you look at it from all possible perspectives. “Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich Take care. 1
Buddhist Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I am restraining myself from calling him and telling him that I love him and that I miss him so much. It gets harder everyday. I hope I can recover as well as you have and I hope I can do this sooner rather than later, because I can feeling it eating through me. Realise it's an addiction not love, that impulse to spill your heart is just a hunger for company, rather than a true reflection of your feelings. If he were to return tomorrow your joy in that would be short-lived, maybe a day, maybe less before the old dynamic re-etablished itself. You were just used to him being around, the void in your life feels empty by comparison but it's not empty. It is space for you to heal. The dreams are just your minds way of processing him out, it has to stir up all the memories and go through the emotional content in order to help you forget. It's ironic, but that's how it works. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 It depends on how you look at what you are experiencing. Make sure you look at it from all possible perspectives. “Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich Take care. You are correct. Solitude will probably be better than living with a man who you only half knew. Its amazing how at the end of a relationship we can only remember the good aspects of the relationship and the bad times fade into the darkness. This only adds to the misery. The emptiness in my life will be filled once again. I will be okay. 1
Author ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Realise it's an addiction not love, that impulse to spill your heart is just a hunger for company, rather than a true reflection of your feelings. If he were to return tomorrow your joy in that would be short-lived, maybe a day, maybe less before the old dynamic re-etablished itself. You were just used to him being around, the void in your life feels empty by comparison but it's not empty. It is space for you to heal. The dreams are just your minds way of processing him out, it has to stir up all the memories and go through the emotional content in order to help you forget. It's ironic, but that's how it works. wow this really hit home. You are correct. I know deep down that this man is too unstable and unsettled for me. I know I can never truly be happy with him. I miss his company and the memories we had, but that is not enough to create a future. The dreams have become somewhat irregular now, so I am hoping it will stop. I am taking each day as it comes. I am learning to dance in the rain. 1
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