Author klanias Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 The problem is that we work in the same environment. Not very close but there is a chance we will bump into each other from time to time. I also want to make it clear to her that she hasn't hurt my feelings but I am just indifferent now., without communicating it verbally.
Emilia Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 The problem is that we work in the same environment. Not very close but there is a chance we will bump into each other from time to time. I also want to make it clear to her that she hasn't hurt my feelings but I am just indifferent now. But you are not indifferent, you are lying to yourself. Stop talking to her. I dated someone I worked with and we sat in the same office. It is perfectly possible to have almost zero contact with someone you work with. If 'not very close' that means you can stop talking completely. Cut it off
Audacious Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I totally agree. After what happened yesterday it became clear to me that she is doing it to try to manipulate me. But it is now just plain amusing, not affecting me at all. However, I am really curious. What are the psychological reasons that would cause someone to behave in such a way, especially all of a sudden? I know that not all people are well-balanced but this is just sad. They tick you off balance , they wanna make you chase them by playing on your doubts , fears and insecurities , the "all of the sudden " part is really crucial to make you doubt yourself and wonder about what did you do wrong . An Emperor in China ruined his KINGDOM because he succumbed to that , a woman was playing him and he went completely insane trying to figure out how to please her . you'r right , it can be fun , to give her the "illusion" that she is winning and then and only then , when she wants to drop the hammer on you , pull away . preferably you'd be with someone better at the time which will be doubly sweet . because she'll think that she wasn't playing you , you were playing her and she'll think that you are with someone better .
joseb Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 First off, she wasn't "in love" with you for the first three weeks, she was just enjoying a new plaything. Who knows why she has changed. Just sounds like the initial excitement had worn off for her, and now she will just have a bit of fun with you while moving onto the next one. I'd drop her immediately, with the minimum of drama as you work together. Just a simple "it's not working for me, sorry" is enough. And next time, take it slower yourself. You are calling her your girlfriend and talking about love after a few weeks! 1
Buddhist Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I think she is crazy, you meet people like this, a crazy person is much more likely to jump into things the way she did. Because jumping on the 'she's crazy' bandwagon is something we never hear on LS....:roll eyes: Who the hell knows 'why' she's now not as gung-ho as before? Meeting another person is a perfectly reasonable and frankly the most likely explanation. Being manipulative is another, it's also fairly common in relationships. The crazy element is out there too but if she's holding down a full time job, you've worked with her for years, the chances of her being bat-$%#@ aren't all that high. Or one would have hoped you'd have spotted it before hand. Being certifiably insane normally comes with a disability pension, but sure having issues is fairly common but hardly warrants a 'crazy' tag. Otherwise the entire planet would be 'crazy', there is no-one living who doesn't have issues. Asking 'why' will just drive you insane. There is no answer to that, you've just got to do what is right for you now. 1
Toodaloo Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Yes, I will leave it now. But I want to distance myself slowly and not show that I am angry or anything, because I really am not. What you are planning is called the "slow fade" and it leaves unaswered questions and a mush of emotions... Not so good. Here is what you do. You just say that you believe that you both rushed things and with the distance you can see that things are not working. That in hindsight that you want to end things. Then no contact unless its about work. Simples, effective and leaves no messy does she? is he? questions. 1
elaine567 Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 (edited) For whatever reason it sounds like she has changed her mind about you and facing you to tell you that is difficult and scary, so she makes plans then cancels, then makes plans then cancels... I doubt she is truly crazy or even manipulative. It is difficult breaking up with people and seeing them all hurt and upset or even angry and annoyed. Many people are not courageous enough to just say "This ain't working let's call it a day", so they dither about, they don't know what they really want, they think they want to break up, but they are scared to make that final decision in case it is the wrong one. So they promise stuff then break promises, arrange to meet then are "busy", they blow hot and cold... I think many just want to force the other person to do the breaking up for them. They then can breathe a huge sigh of relief, as they were not the one actually pulling the plug on the relationship and it was just " not meant to be". Edited May 26, 2016 by elaine567 paragraphs 1
Author klanias Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 I agree that may be the point. Perhaps she wants to pull the plug but is not brave enough to do it herself and that is why she is acting all weird. But I have not initiated contact or asked to meet her after she canceled the first plans. She was the one asking if I wanted to meet earlier, and get intimate. My reactions have been very subtle and not really expressing any emotion, but perhaps she is doing so so that she doesn't feel bad about pulling the plug and making me do so. In any case it is a sick game and I am not a fan of such indirect approaches. The only thing I blame myself is being open and frank with her during the first few weeks. But again, that may be who I am and wouldn't like to change just because I met someone who does not value it. 1
Audacious Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I agree that may be the point. Perhaps she wants to pull the plug but is not brave enough to do it herself and that is why she is acting all weird. But I have not initiated contact or asked to meet her after she canceled the first plans. She was the one asking if I wanted to meet earlier, and get intimate. My reactions have been very subtle and not really expressing any emotion, but perhaps she is doing so so that she doesn't feel bad about pulling the plug and making me do so. In any case it is a sick game and I am not a fan of such indirect approaches. The only thing I blame myself is being open and frank with her during the first few weeks. But again, that may be who I am and wouldn't like to change just because I met someone who does not value it. Don't worry , you've learned something from this if a girl asks out and then cancels without a reason ( you know , a legit reason like a car crash , shark attack , end of the world ) . she is a master manipulator , I'd never take her seriously after than ever again , but I'll play if I feel like it . you need to realize , and I am sorry to verbalize this , but honesty is not the best policy , honest guys mostly sit and ponder why the cannot get any girls they are decent men with great moral values , they REFUSE to see the game , and refuse to participate in it , yet deep inside , they WISH they could play it. don't fool yourself , there will always be this "sick game " and you just have to play , otherwise , chances are you're gonna get hurt and brushed off
Emilia Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 The only thing I blame myself is being open and frank with her during the first few weeks. But again, that may be who I am and wouldn't like to change just because I met someone who does not value it. You most definitely need to change. Crazies like her go for people who don't have solid boundaries and yours are leaky. This is why I am insistent that you cut contact with her and not do the slow fade. It's because I can see that the whole thing would drag out and she would keep pulling you in. When you have a weakness for crazies (like you most definitely do), you have to be extra vigilant, set boundaries and enforce them. If you want healthy relationships, you have to be very very clear on what is and what isn't acceptable. Slowly fading I reckon here means you are hoping for a chance or an explanation. Cut contact now.
Author klanias Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 (edited) Yes, I do indeed need to change in this respect. However, there were no signs of such behavior during the first weeks. It built on the feel of guilt that I had because I lied about that small incident and totally took advantage of it. That is why I am still considering the possibility that this is a vindictive and over the top reaction to the lie. It is from that point on when communication was cut off at first and then everything turned weird. Then again, a sound person would seek to hear my part of the story before behaving in such a way. This of course is just a hypothesis as to what may have triggered he change in behavior. In any case I will stay clear as much as possible seeing that we work at the same environment. Edited May 26, 2016 by klanias 1
Emilia Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Yes, I do indeed need to change in this respect. However, there were no signs of such behavior during the first weeks. It built on the feel of guilt that I had because I lied about that small incident and totally took advantage of it. That is why I am still considering the possibility that this is a vindictive and over the top reaction to the lie. It is from that point on when communication was cut off at first and then everything turned weird. Then again, a sound person would seek to hear my part of the story before behaving in such a way. This of course is just a hypothesis as to what may have triggered he change in behavior. In any case I will stay clear as much as possible seeing that we work at the same environment. I'm certainly not going to bang on about this any longer because you are an adult but please do bear the bolded in mind. Speaking from experience and seeing it posted here, the first few weeks are blissful BUT inevitably a considerable amount of trouble starts within the first month or so. The push-pull starts and there is no fathomable reason which confuses the hell out of people and they keep asking why why why - leaving the door open because they seek an explanation. You MUST shut that door. Does this make sense? 1
Kamille Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I am not condoning her pulling back, but... Why were you trying to be so manipulative? I didn't want to bother her much because i wanted her to have a good time. So one morning i panicked a bit because I had felt bad for not responding (after 1:30 hours) and said a small lie about what I did last night to justify why I didn't respond. Lie number 1 I responded that I wanted to talk to her about something and she kept asking what, however I did not give any details. Why didn't you give details? The next day she contacted me and asked if I was OK and that she was curious about what I was thinking. I told her that it was the same thing that she was thinking of, about slowing down a bit. Potential lie #2. Is this even true? From the sounds of your thread, you were not okay with things slowing down. So why didn't you tell her as much? Sounds like game playing to me. Any ideas why she is acting like this? Is it a game? I don't know if she's playing games, but it sounds like you were or are trying to play games. I'm sorry this isn't working out. And likely, it would not have worked out from the time she said she wanted to slow things down. But in the future, try being more honest and upfront. 1
Author klanias Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 I'm certainly not going to bang on about this any longer because you are an adult but please do bear the bolded in mind. Speaking from experience and seeing it posted here, the first few weeks are blissful BUT inevitably a considerable amount of trouble starts within the first month or so. The push-pull starts and there is no fathomable reason which confuses the hell out of people and they keep asking why why why - leaving the door open because they seek an explanation. You MUST shut that door. Does this make sense? You are right. She obviously did not do the same from her point of view if she perceived that I was lying. It is inexplicable that someone would go so over the top and react in such a way and would not want an explanation if they were falling for me. 1
joseb Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I am not condoning her pulling back, but... Why were you trying to be so manipulative? Lie number 1 Why didn't you give details? Potential lie #2. Is this even true? From the sounds of your thread, you were not okay with things slowing down. So why didn't you tell her as much? Sounds like game playing to me. I don't know if she's playing games, but it sounds like you were or are trying to play games. I'm sorry this isn't working out. And likely, it would not have worked out from the time she said she wanted to slow things down. But in the future, try being more honest and upfront. Yes, OP really you need to get on top of why you are doing this. Making up a lie that actually makes you sound guilty, when in fact you have nothing to be guilty about (except the "crime" of not immediately responding!) is a little bit...dare I say...crazy. Why on earth did you do that?
Cinnamonstix Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I am not condoning her pulling back, but... Why were you trying to be so manipulative? Lie number 1 Why didn't you give details? Potential lie #2. Is this even true? From the sounds of your thread, you were not okay with things slowing down. So why didn't you tell her as much? Sounds like game playing to me. I don't know if she's playing games, but it sounds like you were or are trying to play games. I'm sorry this isn't working out. And likely, it would not have worked out from the time she said she wanted to slow things down. But in the future, try being more honest and upfront. I agree with this. Stop playing games! She probably has a sneaky suspicion that she can't trust what you say. You make it seem like you're not all that into her and are ready to part ways too. Why on earth would she want to see you? If she's on the fence, you're doing a good job at pushing her off. Integrity and straight forwardness are extremely attractive. Try it on.
Toodaloo Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Why on earth did you do that? When people tell little lies like this it is normally because they are nervous or worried about come back if they tell the truth. They may have picked up that she is the type of girl who would flip out if they said that they read the text but couldn't be bothered to respond just then or that they just wanted a couple of hours doing their own thing... Some people do go nuts if you tell those sort of truths... SO I suspect that there was something making OP's hackles rise already anyway with out him really knowing it.
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