cae88 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Hi everyone, My ex who cheated on me (initially he lied about/denied it) recently sent me a message asking me to forgive him (you can read my first thread on here for my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/576827-ex-boyfriend-wants-friends). While I am not so sure if his apology is genuine and it seemed as though he was seeking pity from me to get a reaction, he owned up to what he did, admitting that he messed up and that its his fault. This has been on my mind for the past few days. I’m curious to know if anyone here has ever has an ex (particularly an ex who cheated on you) come back asking to be forgiven? How did it go? Did you forgive them?
gimlynick Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 You can forgive but never forget! Which kinda means that what has happened in the past will allways affect your future relation with this person ( as lovers/friends/... ). Best is to stay NC. You don't deserve a d**k who has cheated on you. 1
Zahara Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Cae, you received tons of good advice in your other thread. This obsession you have with this message about forgiveness from your cheater is concerning. This time is supposed to be about YOU healing and moving on. This isn't the time to consume yourself in terms of how to deal with your ex's need for forgiveness. I will repeat this again -- the text he sent you was all about poor him. It was shallow and insincere. It wasn't about you. It wasn't about his need for forgiveness. And just because a cheater asks for it, it doesn't mean you should sit there and analyze how and when to give it. Forgiveness comes in your own time, not when they come sniffing around asking for it. 4
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Personally, cheating of any kind is an absolute deal breaker for me. I might be able to forgive but never forget and that would plague my relationship forever. That kind of stress and worry doesn't make for a healthy relationship in my book. 2
fixing Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Honestly. I only read the title of the thread... 'Once a cheater always a cheater', 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' etc etc. Forget about him. Past behavior is usually a very good indicator for future behavior. Move on. Stay NC. 2
GorillaTheater Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 You can forgive this guy without ever communicating with him again. You let go of the pain without ever opening yourself up for more. That seems like a good route to take to me. 1
Darkeyy Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 If you can't forgive and forget' date=' pick one. - Robert Brault[/quote'] You don't answer him, he's probably feeling guilty about what he did and he should. Don't ease his guilt by responding, let him deal with it on his own. It won't benefit you in any way to answer! You are healing, if you want to forgive him just do it on your own. Stay NC and let him be miserable.. it's not your concern anymore. 1
KatZee Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 My ex cheated on me. He came to me voluntarily (so I thought at the time) confessing, apologizing profusely, saying how much he regretted it, he was ashamed, the whole 9. Because the cheating happened around 4 months into our relationship, I chose to forgive him and stay with him. 100% that was the worst mistake of my life. Turns out he didn't come voluntarily. He was never even going to tell me. His secret was being threatened by a girl and he was scared I was going to find out, so he thought the best option was for him to come forward first. Second, I found out he didn't cheat once as he first stated. It happened over the course of an entire week, multiple times. Third, all the "guilt" he had? He did it AGAIN. End of the day? Cheaters are liars. Plain and simple. You can't and shouldn't ever trust liars. The second they are given the opportunity to lie and exploit, they will. He did not earn my forgiveness again, he will never be forgiven. If he ever came to me asking for forgiveness, I'd laugh in his face. The ONLY person I forgave? Myself. I forgave myself for making the choice to stay with him, for giving him a second chance, for loving him more than I loved myself. 3
Dis Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 While I dont know this for sure....I'm pretty sure my ex cheated on me....he lied about everything and looking back there were some pretty clear signs he was cheating. As far as apologies go....Why would I need an apology from him??? I think forgiveness is for the forgiver more than it is for the offender. I forgave him in my mind awhile ago because he's no longer in my life...why would I carry around animosity for someone who is part of my past not my present. I also have ended contact with him when I broke up with him. He still texts me saying I miss you and I want to talk to you. Theres no point in exchanging words with him. Its done....its in the past and so is he. An apology would be a moot point.
Jatli Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 My ex cheated on me and left me for the other woman. We were together for 4 years living together and he cheated and left. He was with her for 1 1/2 years and then we got back in contact (actually we were only out of complete contact for about 5 months ). We started chatting then hanging out and now we are dating again. I forgave him a long time before we started talking again. I was devastated and hurt like I never had been in my life. But it was what it was and it made no sense to me to hold on to anger or hurt so I just let it go. I knew he would be back and I told him so when we broke up. It just took him time to realize it. We have been back together now for 9 months and things are going well. Not moving back in together but we are taking it slow. So yes you can forgive but if you decide to you really have to. That means no holding it over their head, no bringing it up. We don't talk about it at all. I said my piece at the beginning and told him how I felt we talked and then let it go. If you are going to build a new relationship you have to start at a good place or it will never work
chapter44 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I am of the opinion that you can forgive but I don't think you need to acknowledge his apology. Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself. For me personally it took me a bit to see it for what it was. Now I look at that situation as "dodging a bullet". I don't think you owe him anything to help ease his conscious. 2
Author cae88 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 To all of you who responded, thank you. I've been struggling emotionally lately, so I wanted some perspective and opinions on this topic. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
contel3 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I had an ex apologise to me two years later. By that time I was 120% over him, so I accepted his apology and we tried being friendly. It really wasn't mind-blowing, I felt happy about his apology for half a minute and then forgot about it. When you forgive him, it won't be because he asked to be forgiven. Actually, when you truly do forgive him, you probably won't care about telling him: It won't feel like a big thing to you anymore. I remember being very surprised when my ex reached out to apologise. I wondered why he'd even take the time to reach out, cause I really wouldn't have bothered. Imagine a kid from primary school apologising for stealing your lunch in sixth grade. Thats what it felt like.
springy Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 My cheating ex never came asking for forgiveness but I did forgive him on my own. It was too stressful for me to carry that hurt/grudge. Now I could care less if I ever see or hear from him again. Actually I hope I don't...but may the force be with him lol.
Arieswoman Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 OP, IMO all this forgiving stuff is over-rated. "Being the bigger person", "do it for yourself not for them" etc. My cheating ex never asked for forgiveness and I have never consciously forgiven him. The best I can do is accept that it happened and I've moved on. I once asked my priest about this. I asked if Christians were required to forgive people who had wronged us but not apologised and/or tried to make amends. He said no, there was no requirement to forgive those who were unrepentant. HTH 2
keiji Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 OP, IMO all this forgiving stuff is over-rated. "Being the bigger person", "do it for yourself not for them" etc. Exactly my view on this. I get the feeling that people "forgive" when they couldn't care less about that person and what they did, but while it still hurts, no, they don't "forgive" at all. And it's perfectly fine with me. Why would you accept someone else's nasty behavior? 2
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