How to I keep my wife from having a relationship with another woman?

May 24, 2016

This is an emergency! Please anyone help safe my marriage and save me from more pain! I am begging you people, any info will help me! I am willing to put in extra work and make compromises!

My wife of over 15 years started a relationship with a woman. No sex yet, but very intense. She was ready to leave me to take this new one to the next level. Complicated but we openly talk, no games. I can trust her with boundaries she agrees to. One woman, no slutty parties no other men. She wants to keep me but also wants this new woman. Yes my wife is bi. To keep her from leaving I agreed to this. We agreed that nothing will happen this week. But she wants to spend this Sunday night and have sex with the woman. I want to keep my wife and family together but don't know if I can handle this. I will try. I am reading and doing things to strengthen my marriage and appreciate her and all that relationship fixing stuff. Maybe their relationship wont last and I get her back 100%.

Is there anything I can do till Sunday to keep this from happening or to postpone it? Anything? Nothing that would not upset my wife and cause her to leave me. I just want more time, but she doesn't want to give it. We both still need each other, but I know how exciting a new thing (relationship) is in the beginning. They've been texting a few months and see rainbows and all that newly in love stuff. I want to keep my wife! Please someone help safe my marriage even if it's only for another year or two!

May 24, 2016

Basically, you have agreed to your wife cheating on you and having a PA.

I'm sorry, but regardless of gender or sexual persuasion, the minute a third party enters the room, it's infidelity and betrayal of the vows.

If you don't want her to cheat, tell her.

But you really did make a rod for your own back by agreeing to this.

Now?

Regrets are pointless.

You just have to tell her that it's just this once, or it's divorce.

Up to her, her call.

But really, you did kind of mess this up.

May 24, 2016

Thanks for your input. I agreed to it to keep her from moving out the same day she told me (last Sunday) and to get her to agree this week nothing happens. I was buying time. I need to keep this marriage together for a while. What might appeal most to her just holding off with the actual sex act? She can keep talking to her I guess, but if I make her choose she will leave right now and that is a bigger mess, not just emotional. It's too much to explain. I love her and just need to buy some time!

May 24, 2016

but if I make her choose

She already chose, you just haven't accepted it yet and she allowing that in order to proceed with the affair..

She has already has an EA, she is now moving to PA.. nothing you can do if she doesn't pick you and marriage as the highest of her priorities, sorry.. it doesn't look good...

May 24, 2016

Thanks for your input. I agreed to it to keep her from moving out the same day she told me (last Sunday) and to get her to agree this week nothing happens. I was buying time.

In hindsight I think you might see that you were being a pushover....

I need to keep this marriage together for a while.

Why?

She isn't....

What might appeal most to her just holding off with the actual sex act?

Nothing. Nothing at all would appeal more than what she has been waiting for. It's like you preparing for the holiday of a lifetime, and someone telling you that you can't go - what would appeal more?

She can keep talking to her I guess, but if I make her choose she will leave right now and that is a bigger mess, not just emotional. It's too much to explain. I love her and just need to buy some time!

You don't get it. She's already 'left'.

The practicalities of her decision can be worked on. Everything is a choice and has a solution.

It may not be the solution you want, but it could be the best one for the situation.

That you love her, is currently falling on deaf ears. If she cared about you, as much as you care about her, this other woman would be history.

May 24, 2016

She will not move out or end our relationship if she can have this side friend. I know this is totally crazy and I don't want to explain why I care so much about keeping my family together. So since I agreed to let this happen I get more time with her in return. She does want both if she can. So any tips on how I can handle this and show her she does not need the other woman? Sorry to be so stubborn. I'm not really accept her as lost. There's a chance to get her back.

May 24, 2016

Maybe their relationship wont last and I get her back 100%.

Your post is heart-breaking to read. I hear your pain. You love her and are willing to do anything to hold onto her.

The thing is you are not going to get her back 100%. EVER.

She is bi, as you put it yourself. If that is her own sexual make-up, you cannot change her. She is who she is and what she is doing is based on her own physical and emotional needs. You cannot suppress that.

For now, you can comply with whatever she demands just to please her and just to keep her. But for how long? Is it worth it?

When you say that maybe she'll be all yours after the newness of this new woman wears off is like saying a man returns to live with his parents after the newness of his first sexual partner wears off.

You are in a panic right now out of the pain. Do you have any support (family or friends or therapy) to confide in?

Believe me; I get it; I get your pain; it's intolerable when you love someone and watch in slow motion how you are about to lose that person from your life though you are willing to do anything--absolutely anything.

May 24, 2016

Thanks so much. I need time to adjust and accept. Yes, I am panicking like being on train and can't stop it.

May 24, 2016

She will not move out or end our relationship if she can have this side friend.

Yes, but what you don't seem to understand is that she gets the far better deal; a roof over her head, a doormat-husband who will do everything and anything to keep her (I promise you, her demands will do nothing but increase) and a lover she wants to be with and can have - thanks to your agreement.

Question: What kind of relationship are you settling FOR, exactly?

I know this is totally crazy and I don't want to explain why I care so much about keeping my family together.

If this is relevant, pivotal or instrumental, then you might need to explain. If it's because you want to keep your family together for the sake of that - then you don't need to explain.

Is it relevant or pivotal?

So since I agreed to let this happen I get more time with her in return.

Don't you find it tragic that you have to barter or bargain for the presence of your wife?

She does want both if she can.

And she's got both - because she can.

Because you let her.

So any tips on how I can handle this and show her she does not need the other woman?

She's bisexual. That question is therefore redundant. She might as well be having an affair with another man.

Would you allow that?

Sorry to be so stubborn. I'm not really accept her as lost. There's a chance to get her back.

That's ok, it's understandable;

I'm afraid you lost her the moment you agreed to this;

You'd have more chance of walking on the moon with no space-suit.

May 24, 2016

Why not lock her in a basement?

We can't control others. Love is to be given freely. I don't wanna be with someone I have to spy on, demand, beg, and/or plead with to be with me.

If your wife wants to be with this woman, man, or anyone then you have to decide if you wanna stay married with head burried in sand or move on.

May 24, 2016

If this is relevant, pivotal or instrumental, then you might need to explain. If it's because you want to keep your family together for the sake of that - then you don't need to explain.
Is it relevant or pivotal?

Is there a way to send you a reply in a private message? Don't want to post this info even though this is kinda anonymous.

May 24, 2016

No, there isn't. You have to be a member for a period of time and submit a certain number of posts before that is a possibility.

And posting private contact info on forum is a definite no-no...

As for posting....

You've gone this far.....

How much worse can it be than 'my bi-sexual wife wants an affair with another woman, and I'm letting her have one out of desperation?'

Let us help....

May 24, 2016

Is there a way to send you a reply in a private message? Don't want to post this info even though this is kinda anonymous.

No, you have to be here a while and have a certain number of posts to have that privilege. You might get them if you become a subscriber.

Best of luck to you.

May 24, 2016

No, you have to be here a while and have a certain number of posts to have that privilege. You might get them if you become a subscriber.

Best of luck to you.

Oh yes, there IS that option.....

May 24, 2016

OP, you can't bargain this stuff down. She/you either load in or you don't, and it kinda seems like that ship has already sailed. Not sure there's much more you can do other than yank back on the chain and renege, but I doubt that'll go over well at this point.

Buying time is kinda moot when the house is already on fire.

May 24, 2016

No, there isn't. You have to be a member for a period of time and submit a certain number of posts before that is a possibility.

And posting private contact info on forum is a definite no-no...

As for posting....
You've gone this far.....

How much worse can it be than 'my bi-sexual wife wants an affair with another woman, and I'm letting her have one out of desperation?'

Let us help....

I am grateful for everyone that has replied here. Thank you so much!

Unfortunately she has all the power. She thinks short term no matter the loss/cost. I am a long term planer and see consequences. She has a car in her name and a steady job/pay check. My truck is broken, no money to fix. We live paycheck to paycheck (no room for any extras). I am finishing my degree to get a better job. Right now I only have part-time unreliable income. We have farm animals I take care of.

The worst thing she would leave our son with me. I don't mind raising him, but I can't pay for anything. I alone without a truck can't get a job even if I quit college and get rid of our farm animals (our food source!). I grow a lot of our food in the garden too. I'm more the house wife trying to get her education done while she went and got a job cause she never liked doing housework. Sounds like a bad wife, but it all worked out. I love keeping the home nice. I have no local friends, she has tons.

She would take her paycheck and live in town and not send a single penny to feed our son. She said she would take care (financially), but we had times before when she was in charge of finances and she can't think ahead or budget. She'd spend it all and overdraw her account. She really needs me to not end up homeless.

This is not just a woman leaving. I could get over that. I really love her though and except for this issue now we've been together over 15 years. This is the worst of worst times to have everything fall apart. I don't want my son to go through this. He's a teenager, what if he learns to run off if things get tough? So far he does not know. Her 80 year old Christian dad would have a heart attack if he knew.

Even if I can't get her back 100%, I need stability for a while so we both can go separate ways if that's what has to happen, but peaceful and without giving up everything we both worked for our whole adult life. She'll regret things later, but this would cause us to loose so much including our own place we still pay for.

I have no bargaining power. Either let her have this relationship or I end up homeless and a few months later she would too. I have no friends here, no relatives. I'm all alone.

I will of course use this week to show her my values and appeal to her whatever to get another grace period. She's not ready to give up the other woman now. Bad timing.

And then again, it could just work out fine. Her having her night out a week or every other week and I keep her with that flaw and we both keep what we worked for till we are in better financial times. But I don't know if I can take it and I don't want it and don't think it's fair. I know nothing is fair.

I am willing to try for stability and a little more time with her. It's worth it, my whole future life depends on not loosing what we both built and almost have paid off to call ours.

I hope that makes sense. I know I'm desperate here.

May 24, 2016

I do have the other woman's phone number, but don't even know her name. Should I call and appeal to her to delay the actual sex part? She's not ready to live with my wife if my wife left me now. So the other woman knows about me and all that and seems to be OK with it too. There's no rush other than my wife wanting to do this I think.

May 24, 2016

I am grateful for everyone that has replied here. Thank you so much!

Unfortunately she has all the power. She thinks short term no matter the loss/cost. I am a long term planer and see consequences. She has a car in her name and a steady job/pay check. My truck is broken, no money to fix. We live paycheck to paycheck (no room for any extras). I am finishing my degree to get a better job. Right now I only have part-time unreliable income. We have farm animals I take care of.

The worst thing she would leave our son with me. I don't mind raising him, but I can't pay for anything. I alone without a truck can't get a job even if I quit college and get rid of our farm animals (our food source!). I grow a lot of our food in the garden too. I'm more the house wife trying to get her education done while she went and got a job cause she never liked doing housework. Sounds like a bad wife, but it all worked out. I love keeping the home nice. I have no local friends, she has tons.

She would take her paycheck and live in town and not send a single penny to feed our son. She said she would take care (financially), but we had times before when she was in charge of finances and she can't think ahead or budget. She'd spend it all and overdraw her account. She really needs me to not end up homeless.

This is not just a woman leaving. I could get over that. I really love her though and except for this issue now we've been together over 15 years. This is the worst of worst times to have everything fall apart. I don't want my son to go through this. He's a teenager, what if he learns to run off if things get tough? So far he does not know. Her 80 year old Christian dad would have a heart attack if he knew.

Even if I can't get her back 100%, I need stability for a while so we both can go separate ways if that's what has to happen, but peaceful and without giving up everything we both worked for our whole adult life. She'll regret things later, but this would cause us to loose so much including our own place we still pay for.

I have no bargaining power. Either let her have this relationship or I end up homeless and a few months later she would too. I have no friends here, no relatives. I'm all alone.

I will of course use this week to show her my values and appeal to her whatever to get another grace period. She's not ready to give up the other woman now. Bad timing.

And then again, it could just work out fine. Her having her night out a week or every other week and I keep her with that flaw and we both keep what we worked for till we are in better financial times. But I don't know if I can take it and I don't want it and don't think it's fair. I know nothing is fair.

I am willing to try for stability and a little more time with her. It's worth it, my whole future life depends on not loosing what we both built and almost have paid off to call ours.

I hope that makes sense. I know I'm desperate here.

See, this "marriage" of yours is beyond repair. That's why people call me old fashioned and all that but a man must be the "man" in the RL, cuz as much as some women claim that they don't mind being a "partner", over time biology kicks in and she loses respect and attraction towards you.

You have no money, lack education, your truck is broke. And, even in response to her cheating on you, you still won't respond with strength...you're here cowering in fear.

If I were you, I'd get an attorney and see if you can argue that you've supported her and maintained the home/children and that for your contributions to the marriage and her success, you deserve alimony, division of assets, primary custody. I've heard of some women losing custody of kids and having to pay child support...so, man up, show some strength for once, and bring home the reality of this to her...that it's not some silly game where you're her whipping boy and that a marriage and family is being destroyed.

May 25, 2016

I'm sorry, but you can't force her to stay. But you can go to the court and demand she at least take 50% custody of your son. I assume this is your son together and not just YOUR son?? I mean, it's unusual a mother would abandon her flesh and blood but not unheard of, unfortunately. Anyway, you are overreacting and need to see an attorney preferably. But if that's her son, she will have to take joint custody and you will both have to contribute financially to his welfare. If you keep him more, she will have to come up with the lion's share of money. If she keeps him more, you will. I recommend you do joint custody so you both have some time to concentrate on work and chores and even maybe a social life.

But no, there is no way to just force her to stay there. I'm sorry. But get prepared so she doesn't just run off leaving you with all the obligations. Get some advice from legal aid or an attorney you pay, or go down to the family courthouse and talk to the clerk asking what to do. Good luck.

May 25, 2016

I'm sorry, but you can't force her to stay. But you can go to the court and demand she at least take 50% custody of your son. I assume this is your son together and not just YOUR son?? I mean, it's unusual a mother would abandon her flesh and blood but not unheard of, unfortunately. Anyway, you are overreacting and need to see an attorney preferably. But if that's her son, she will have to take joint custody and you will both have to contribute financially to his welfare. If you keep him more, she will have to come up with the lion's share of money. If she keeps him more, you will. I recommend you do joint custody so you both have some time to concentrate on work and chores and even maybe a social life.

But no, there is no way to just force her to stay there. I'm sorry. But get prepared so she doesn't just run off leaving you with all the obligations. Get some advice from legal aid or an attorney you pay, or go down to the family courthouse and talk to the clerk asking what to do. Good luck.

Your state bar association may have some attorneys that will work pro bono or on a contingency

May 25, 2016

I'm sorry, but you can't force her to stay. But you can go to the court and demand she at least take 50% custody of your son. I assume this is your son together and not just YOUR son?? I mean, it's unusual a mother would abandon her flesh and blood but not unheard of, unfortunately. Anyway, you are overreacting and need to see an attorney preferably. But if that's her son, she will have to take joint custody and you will both have to contribute financially to his welfare. If you keep him more, she will have to come up with the lion's share of money. If she keeps him more, you will. I recommend you do joint custody so you both have some time to concentrate on work and chores and even maybe a social life.

But no, there is no way to just force her to stay there. I'm sorry. But get prepared so she doesn't just run off leaving you with all the obligations. Get some advice from legal aid or an attorney you pay, or go down to the family courthouse and talk to the clerk asking what to do. Good luck.

Thanks. Yes he is our son. I do not want to force her, no way. She wants to stay but only if she can have this other relationship too. I can make phone calls, can't even get to town. I miss out on one of her paychecks and all hell breaks loose and we loose it all. She thinks she can just leave and still be there for our son, but it never works that way. If I get an attorney it's all over. I want to keep it from being all over now. Just don't wanna suffer so much emotionally. Need to find a way to appeal to her and make her understand.

May 25, 2016

My wife has certain good qualities even without considering all our assets and finances. There is a lot of GOOD in her that make it worth trying everything. But without me or someone like me who thinks ahead and can manage a budget and family finances, she's run herself into debt and homelessness within a few months. I saved her several times when we were still young and she mismanaged things. It's done and we made it so far in our marriage. Just hit this huge bolder now.

May 25, 2016

you are being weak, clingy, desperate, dependent, capitulating and pathetic. All very unattractive traits.

You lost a long time ago.

Your best option now is to get a good lawyer and protect what assets, property and resources you have as well as protecting your relationship with your son.

If she is his biological mother, she cannot legally just walk away from him and abandon him without providing some kind of support for his care.

Get a lawyer and stand up and protect yourself and stop being so weak and ineffective.

May 25, 2016

My wife has certain good qualities even without considering all our assets and finances. There is a lot of GOOD in her that make it worth trying everything. But without me or someone like me who thinks ahead and can manage a budget and family finances, she's run herself into debt and homelessness within a few months. I saved her several times when we were still young and she mismanaged things. It's done and we made it so far in our marriage. Just hit this huge bolder now.

So you "saved" her back in the day and look how she repays you? Again, it's always you sacrificing for her and she knows it...she built herself off of your kindness and watch you go broke and now that you're no more use to her, it's "next....."

See why you shouldn't rescue Damsels in Distress?

May 25, 2016

See why you shouldn't rescue Damsels in Distress?

"When you rescue a damsel in distress, all you'll have to show for it is a distressed damsel on your hands."

- Dr Laura Schlesinger

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