Is it better to play second fiddle than just not play in the band at all?

[Zzyxx]

Hey everyone,

 

So recently two of my close friends have disclosed some things about their relationships that really have me at a loss as to how I and other people view relationships (none of us are experts) so I really wanted to see people's opinions about this.

 

Basically my friend "A" has been dating her gf "C" for 5 months. Things started out awesome between the two of them and we really thought they had potential. Then a couple weeks ago, they kind of had the talk about where things where going after A got the feeling that C might be settling for her, in that the way C would describe her feelings for her ex gf (who was the love of C's life) when they were talking about ex's and past relationships didn't measure up to A and C's relationship. C is a very open/honest/direct person and basically told my friend A that her main goal at this point in life was not to be crazy about someone, but she just wanted someone who treated her well that she got along with, even if she wasn't super into them like she was her gf's of the past because she recognized that she only ever fell for emotionally unavailable women that treated her badly. My friend has always treated C very well and C has told her she's treated her out of the best of anyone she's been with. A said that she thought it was totally possible to hold out for someone that she was actually in love with that would treat her well, if she did indeed hold out for that and not "settle" and gf C replied that she didn't believe this was a reality. She then went into how she thought a lot of people stay together for the kids and the sake of family and shared history even if they're not "in love" and she thought that a lot or most couples did this and this was normal and the correct way to go.

 

Now to me and my friend A this totally sounds like settling and A is seriously bummed out about all this now, but gf C's reply was that "love and feelings" aren't so black and white, and there's a lot of different ways to love someone and a lot of different connections with different people, and certain kinds of love can be established by shared experiences and bonding over time and blah blah blah."

 

We told this story to our mutual friend "D" who is happily married and has been for 4 years, and D admitted to us that while she was happy she married her wife and doesn't regret it at all, she also didn't love her wife like she did some of her ex gf's but that she also recognized she'd had unhealthy relationship patterns, so at least her wife is emotionally healthy and treats her well and she's still happy and takes the marriage seriously.

 

We're all in our early to mid 30's, and I'm wondering, do a lot of people do this? Just go for someone that's nice to them that you're not crazy about? Yeah, I'm still single, but I still can't imagine wanting to be with someone, especially long term, that I'm somewhat ambivalent about. I tend to live by the "f&*ck yes" or "f&(k no" rule of relationships and commitment, but I realize that's just me.

 

I don't even know what to tell my friend A. If it were me I'd bail on C as she doesn't sound like she wants anything serious or long term, but on the other hand they have only been dating for 5 months, and as A is a laid back "I'm cool with taking it slow" kind of person, she thinks that maybe with time and some more emotional healing C could actually fall for her.

 

I just don't know what to think about relationships at all anymore...

 

TLDR: What constitutes "settling" to you?

Edited May 24, 2016 by Zzyxx

[central]

Passion often fades in a long term relationship, it's true. But I certainly want passion at the beginning - AND great compatibility in other ways. Otherwise, if and when whatever feelings are there do fade, what's left? And what if you later encounter someone who does incite your passions? Do you resist that and stick with the merely comfortable? I guess many people do, but it seems a little too calculated to start out that way if you're young enough to find both.

 

 

I'd tell A to start dating again, whether or not she continues to date C - of course letting C know.

 

 

Or, if you're willing to settle for less than passion, negotiate an open relationship so you can pursue the passion if and when you find it.

Edited May 24, 2016 by central

[Zzyxx]

Passion often fades in a long term relationship, it's true. But I certainly want passion at the beginning - AND great compatibility in other ways. Otherwise, if and when whatever feelings are there do fade, what's left? And what if you later encounter someone who does incite your passions? Do you resist that and stick with the merely comfortable? I guess many people do, but it seems a little too calculated to start out that way if you're young enough to find both.

 

 

I'd tell A to start dating again, whether or not she continues to date C - of course letting C know.

 

 

Or, if you're willing to settle for less than passion, negotiate an open relationship so you can pursue the passion if and when you find it.

 

Right, I agree with you. I was a bit surprised C would have this attitude at her age already, but I think she's just on the rebound and jaded still. Poor A was totally smitten by her, especially because C was the type to come on all strong at first, and really did seem genuine initially, so I think she's still a bit surprised and hurt. Ah well, It's good to know I'm not just living in la la land haha.