Author lasquiti89 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 I guess I am just doing a poor job of explaining the whole situation. I would have put all that extra information I have been saying in the original post but I didn't want it to sound like a novel. It's hard to cover all bases here on these forums. It's okay I probably sound like a spoiled brat to you, but I love my family and I love the man I am with. Just trying to live in both worlds at the moment is challenging.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 OP, I will echo the others: if finances aren't a concern, get your own place. Be self-sufficient and independent first. Those are attractive qualities in a woman anyway. Whatever his reasoning, if your boyfriend isn't ready to live together it will very likely not end well for you if you push it.
sc0316 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I did offer to pay rent but my mother refused to make me pay it! She said because my younger brother (23) isn't paying rent that I shouldn't have to. That was back a few months ago and they wanted to keep things fair between us. Now we are both going to contribute equally. Then maybe both you and your brother should back pay your parents for those missing months of rents? It must be hard for your parents to be taken advantage of financially when they are having financial difficulty themselves. 3
GemmaUK Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I did offer to pay rent but my mother refused to make me pay it! She said because my younger brother (23) isn't paying rent that I shouldn't have to. That was back a few months ago and they wanted to keep things fair between us. Now we are both going to contribute equally. How much per month? When I was still living with my Dad up until age 23 I was paying £300 per month - this was in 1992. Around $208 at today's exchange rate. I did my own cooking, cleaning, washing..
Emilia Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 What would a younger brother have to do with it anyway, the elder usually has more money because they are further along their career. Just because one can't contribute, why shouldn't the other? 2
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I guess I can start doing laundry over there at his house if I wanted to. Like I said before though. The laundry thing isn't really an issue for me. Maybe its a "girl" thing but I like to have my clothes with me in case I wan't to wear something. If I leave half my wardrobe at his house I'll just get pissed that I don't have the item I want when I want it. Call me high-maintenance if you will but I just like having access to my things. You are making this more difficult. Do a bit of planning of your outfits for the week. I usually do mine with a slight variable for weather but I can see every day so I know what accessories I need. By planning you will be less resentful that you don't currently have your ideal living situation. But please don't pressure your BF to move in just because you would prefer not to leave clothes at his house.
Author lasquiti89 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 How much per month? When I was still living with my Dad up until age 23 I was paying £300 per month - this was in 1992. Around $208 at today's exchange rate. I did my own cooking, cleaning, washing.. Probably around $500 each.
Author lasquiti89 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 It's not that he couldn't contribute. He has a job and stuff he just sucks at budgeting his money so they told us they would give us both a "break" from rent for a few months. My parents have always wanted to treat us fair. If you don't treat your kids fairly then they will end up hating each other. Trust me my grandma always played favorites and to this day none of my aunts and uncles have good relationships.
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 This living at his place 5 days a week was to get to know each other and test compatibility. Then make it for real. It's not a hotel you just go spend the night at. It's time to practice 'play house'. Do your laundry there, cook, clean, and participate as if you already lived there. You find his clothes in the dryer? Take them out. You fold them or you put the pile of clothe in a laundry basket for him to take care of later. You're not gonna learn about each other if you're in and out like a visitor. So since last October you lived rent free? Geez you must have a load of cash in your saving. About you give your parents a certain amount to help them. They have been feeding you for free for 9 months on top of raising their utility bill. 4
GemmaUK Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) Probably around $500 each. Sounds about fair, food etc you buy yourself? Washing, cooking you do yourself? So, why are you not looking for your own place? You must have loads saved by not having paid rent to your folks. ETA: Have you not been paying towards you man's place nor your folks? Edited May 24, 2016 by GemmaUK
Emilia Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 It's not that he couldn't contribute. He has a job and stuff he just sucks at budgeting his money so they told us they would give us both a "break" from rent for a few months. My parents have always wanted to treat us fair. If you don't treat your kids fairly then they will end up hating each other. Trust me my grandma always played favorites and to this day none of my aunts and uncles have good relationships. but you are adults, you are not kids anymore. The bolded makes you sound like a 12 year-old. People's circumstances become different as they grow up and start looking after themselves. Sometimes the brother can contribute more, sometimes you can. How can you expect your unemployed father who has been struggling financially to 'give you a break' when you are only 26 years old? Full of energy, a young adult? You should be out there getting a second job if things are difficult. 6
Author lasquiti89 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Sounds about fair, food etc you buy yourself? Washing, cooking you do yourself? So, why are you not looking for your own place? You must have loads saved by not having paid rent to your folks. Negative. I don't have a ton of cash saved up. I actually have only been out of the hole for 3 months. I had some debt that I was working away at then I got cut hours at work and my salary dropped 40%. I'm in Marketing and I don't make a ton to begin with. I had planned to have it paid off sooner but the turn of events made it really slow.
Author lasquiti89 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 but you are adults, you are not kids anymore. The bolded makes you sound like a 12 year-old. People's circumstances become different as they grow up and start looking after themselves. Sometimes the brother can contribute more, sometimes you can. How can you expect your unemployed father who has been struggling financially to 'give you a break' when you are only 26 years old? Full of energy, a young adult? You should be out there getting a second job if things are difficult. If you had read what I said before you'd know that I started my own company doing freelance work... I'm not lazy like you make me out to be. Is your intention to just hate on me so much to start an argument?
GemmaUK Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I quit this thread. Too many new bits of info unravelling here. Sorry OP but if this is how you communicate IRL then I am not surprised your man is not ready to move in. 5
Mikau Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 If you had read what I said before you'd know that I started my own company doing freelance work... I'm not lazy like you make me out to be. Is your intention to just hate on me so much to start an argument? Is it your intention to get mad at well intentioned advice and input? You might not like that it comes across that way, but it does come across incredibly childish. Don't shoot the messenger, but instead look at what you might be doing to hurt the situation. 4
Emilia Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 If you had read what I said before you'd know that I started my own company doing freelance work... I'm not lazy like you make me out to be. Is your intention to just hate on me so much to start an argument? No, my intention is to show you what your behaviour looks like for a complete outsider. Freelance work is not busy in the beginning, it takes a while to get busy and start earning. Both your brother and you are at home taking advantage of your unemployed dad and your mother's good nature - who should be much more strict with you. Can't you see how infantilising this is? It would not be appealing to a 35 year-old man. 3
Cinnamonstix Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) OP, it's pretty simple. You're stalling staying at home instead of declaring your independence because you're anxiously waiting for him to say "I'm ready now!" Everything else is an excuse. If you wanted to help your parents out financially so much, you wouldn't consider moving in with your bf because you'd stay and help support them. Can't you see how dependent that is? I understand not wanting to move twice. It's a hassle. But a strong, independent woman makes **** happen and doesn't wait on anyone. And that is exactly the kind of woman a real man wants as his partner for life. (Side note: good on you for starting your own business). I also think it's a not good thing that you're starting all of the important conversations. It sounds like you keep pushing this relationship further, but the best relationships tend to be where the man keeps pushing for progression. Men like to feel like all of the important steps they take are their idea, not that they were pushed into it. Move out. Stand on your own. And don't even considering moving in until he has said (on his own terms) that he thinks you're the one and wants to build a life with you. And if he never says that, guess what? You still have your own place and have established yourself as a strong, independent woman. Edited May 24, 2016 by Cinnamonstix 3
kendahke Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I don't have a ton of cash saved up. I actually have only been out of the hole for 3 months. So, in truth, you really can't help your boyfriend out. You're not in a position to help him out due to being out of the hole for 3 months and you just starting to work freelance, which takes a while to establish a steady source of income. Then on top of that starting your own business, which isn't in the black at the beginning. He knows this and because he does, he's not eager for you to legally move in with him. Well, it's too bad that you're incapable to handling constructive criticism because what you've been told has gotten to the very heart of what your problem is with this guy: he considers you to be a financial liability at the time. Even if the sex is great, sex isn't everything and if you don't have more than sex to contribute to a relationship, it's not going to continue developing. Also, you're doing too much desperate chasing when he's the one who should be chasing you. Help your folks to get on their feet with the money you do have and are able to contribute. Then look into getting your own place, be on your own and have a place to lay your head that doesn't come with someone else's conditions for being there. That is the best advice anyone can give you right now. Like I said earlier, it's quite clear that your boyfriend isn't looking for an "insta-wifey". 2
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