He say's we aren't ready to move in together

[No_Go]

IMO that is what "being ready" means. A man or woman realizing and knowing that that their partner is the right person for them and therefore is "ready" to take that next step.

 

Not necessarily. I've experienced and seen people 'not ready' in general. And vice versa: 'ready' in general. Especially men. I think men tend to sometimes reach a decision point: it is time for cohabitation/marriage/kids and do it with the woman that they happen to meet/date in that point of time.

 

Even in your brother's case - maybe something in his life circumstances triggered the change in him to make him commitment-ready... who knows, maybe I'm just cynic...

[katiegrl]

Not necessarily. I've experienced and seen people 'not ready' in general. And vice versa: 'ready' in general. Especially men. I think men tend to sometimes reach a decision point: it is time for cohabitation/marriage/kids and do it with the woman that they happen to meet/date in that point of time.

 

Even in your brother's case - maybe something in his life circumstances triggered the change in him to make him commitment-ready... who knows, maybe I'm just cynic...

 

Nope. Nothing in his life had changed. He just finally met a woman with whom it feels right that's all.

 

But I get your point. Whether it be financial, job related, often times a man won't feel ready until his life is in order.

 

I agree with that.

[lasquiti89]

Hi there everyone. Thanks for the replies. I'd like to clear up a few things. I moved back in with my parents back in October but it was only supposed to be temporary. I work in Oil & Gas and the market tanked and I got cut back to part time hours at work. After this it didn't make sense to spend money on rent when my parents allowed me to live there rent-free. To make some extra income, I started my own company and have been doing freelance work to start making some extra cash. Now I am at a point where I can live on my own and not be worried about money. I know to some I might come across as sounding not independent, but I am 26 and now only just moved back home. My boyfriend is 35 so 9 years older than me. I could get my own place now, but wouldn't want to move twice if he decided he was "ready" in a few months.

 

Even if I did move into my own place for a while, we would still end up probably staying at his house more often anyways because he is very tall and my bed isn't long enough for him (his feet would basically overhang the footboard )

 

When we talked, he mentioned that when he moved in with his ex things went horribly. I didn't think that was very fair to me as I am a completely different person. I wonder sometimes if he is holding back because he thinks I will turn into her...

 

Anyways, I'm not really sure what to do. If I bring it up again I will sound like a broken record, however, he has never started any of the important talks in our relationship ever. It seems to always be me. I worry that if I don't at least talk to him about it that he will never bring it up.

 

Just kind of lost really...all my friends keep telling me that he's stalling and I don't want to believe them.

[Mikau]

I would like to reiterate that. If I were still with my ex, I wouldn't want to move in with her, marry her, have children with her. Not because I didn't think she was right for me, but because I want to be out of uni (I'm 27 now, had some snafus along the way). I wanted to be out of school, have my own place that is not a 18 m2 cubicle, with a well paying job. Sometimes that's what not being ready is, you can love the other person dearly but your life circumstances might not be right.

 

That's not to say that's 100% the case here. He might feel his life isn't there yet right now, he might feel the OP isn't mature enough, or maybe she just isn't the right girl for him. But with the information we've been given, it's very hard to know which it is.

[No_Go]

When we talked, he mentioned that when he moved in with his ex things went horribly. I didn't think that was very fair to me as I am a completely different person. I wonder sometimes if he is holding back because he thinks I will turn into her...

 

Makes sense now., My first in relationship went HORRIBLY - he basically drained my money and gas-lighted me and what not. I'm still scared my current live-in relationship will turn that way - yes, irrational, yes, unfair - but see - it is human nature. Who knows what happened with your BF and his ex. MAybe you guys could talk it over?

 

A guy friend of mine is madly in love with his GF but STILL won't move in with her 3 years! - because of a bad experience of him and his ex in the past. Now he finally changed his mind. They were very young though (early 20s), I wouldn't wait that long at 25+.

 

Don't 'pressure' him anymore in my opinion, just re-evaluate in a couple of months.

[Gaeta]

Hi there everyone. Thanks for the replies. I'd like to clear up a few things. I moved back in with my parents back in October but it was only supposed to be temporary. I work in Oil & Gas and the market tanked and I got cut back to part time hours at work. After this it didn't make sense to spend money on rent when my parents allowed me to live there rent-free. To make some extra income, I started my own company and have been doing freelance work to start making some extra cash. Now I am at a point where I can live on my own and not be worried about money. I know to some I might come across as sounding not independent, but I am 26 and now only just moved back home. My boyfriend is 35 so 9 years older than me. I could get my own place now, but wouldn't want to move twice if he decided he was "ready" in a few months.

 

Even if I did move into my own place for a while, we would still end up probably staying at his house more often anyways because he is very tall and my bed isn't long enough for him (his feet would basically overhang the footboard )

 

When we talked, he mentioned that when he moved in with his ex things went horribly. I didn't think that was very fair to me as I am a completely different person. I wonder sometimes if he is holding back because he thinks I will turn into her...

 

Anyways, I'm not really sure what to do. If I bring it up again I will sound like a broken record, however, he has never started any of the important talks in our relationship ever. It seems to always be me. I worry that if I don't at least talk to him about it that he will never bring it up.

 

Just kind of lost really...all my friends keep telling me that he's stalling and I don't want to believe them.

 

Not wanting to get your own place just because you don't want to move twice in a year is not a good reason enough to pressure him. He loves you and needs more time. At 10 months I think it's a reasonable request on his part. If your relationship is a happy one on all other facets than you have nothing to lose to rent a place for a year.

 

You are already spending 5 days a week together what difference does it make. I also don't understand why you don't leave clothes and personal items at his place instead of packing each day? It's really silly.

 

I have offered my boyfriend to move in with me and he declined. He said he needed to be more financially secure before we move in together as he wants to fully participate in our household. I didn't get upset and I didn't question his love for me. We still spend 6-7 days a week together. He has a drawer at my place and all of his personal items. Once in a while he needs a little more space and he spends a couple of days at his place.

 

It's the best of both world to me. I get to have him each day but without his ugly humongous flat tv, his junk and tools laying around.

[lasquiti89]

Yes I can respect that he is not ready yet. I understand where he is coming from in the fact that he wants to be sure before cohabiting. I feel that even if I do make my own plans and move to my own place (I will probably have a roommate as the cost of living where I am is too high for my "own" place) that things will be the same. I'll probably end up staying over at his place more anyways as he has a house and he actually fits in his bed. He won't fit in mine.

[katiegrl]

Yes I can respect that he is not ready yet. I understand where he is coming from in the fact that he wants to be sure before cohabiting. I feel that even if I do make my own plans and move to my own place (I will probably have a roommate as the cost of living where I am is too high for my "own" place) that things will be the same. I'll probably end up staying over at his place more anyways as he has a house and he actually fits in his bed. He won't fit in mine.

 

Also as Gaeta suggested, tell him your would like to keep some things at his place, as lugging everything back and forth is a real drag. You need a drawer and perhaps some room in his closet.

 

I he balks at THAT, then sweetie he's got some issues that need addressing.

[Satu]

At least you know where you stand.

 

That has some value.

[lasquiti89]

Oh yah and I do have my personal things at his place already. I have a full set of toiletries and makeup in the guest room bathroom and lots of pajamas. I don't however keep my work clothes at his house. He basically keeps half of his wardrobe in the dryer and I would just rather do laundry at home. I pack a bag of a few work outfits and keep that in my car because I never know really ahead of time that much if I am going to stay at his house or if I will be at home. I do keep casual clothes there though like sweats and stuff for just hanging around his house.

[Emilia]

Oh yah and I do have my personal things at his place already. I have a full set of toiletries and makeup in the guest room bathroom and lots of pajamas. I don't however keep my work clothes at his house. He basically keeps half of his wardrobe in the dryer and I would just rather do laundry at home. I pack a bag of a few work outfits and keep that in my car because I never know really ahead of time that much if I am going to stay at his house or if I will be at home. I do keep casual clothes there though like sweats and stuff for just hanging around his house.

How would that change if you moved in seeing that it hasn't changed by now?

[lasquiti89]

I would probably just ask him to start putting his laundry in his closet so that the dryer is free. I think that if I moved in we would both have to compromise on certain things. I don't want to go an nag him now about his clothes taking up the dryer and washer now as I have a lot of clothes and don't need to really do laundry all the time. I usually just save laundry for Sunday when my mom and dad want me home for dinner.

[lasquiti89]

Oh yah I forgot to mention that when I moved from my friends house to my parents house I needed a place to store my stuff and he offered for me to put it all in his basement. So all of my belonging except for my closet and bedroom furniture are currently in his house. We have even been taking things like my bathmats and other things I have and using them in his house because it's nicer than his stuff and I offer it to him so he doesn't have to go and buy new stuff sometimes if he wears out his bathmat for example.

[kendahke]

I know--late to the discussion, but I've been out of the country for 2 weeks..

 

I have been in a committed relationship with a man for around 10 months now. We are quite serious and have said "I love you" to each other already and regularly say it often. Things are going great and I want to move it forward even more by moving in with him.

 

A little bit of background. I live with my parents right now (past roommate kicked me out for her new bf to move in) and my boyfriend has owned his own home for years. About a month ago I brought up having me move in with him. It didn't go as well as I thought it would. He basically said that we needed to be around each-other more and that we weren't ready for it yet.

 

what is keeping you from finding a studio apartment so that you have your own place where you could have him over? Or finding another roommate? Because your reasoning of "he owns his own home, so therefore I should move in because we've said 'I love you'" isn't sound enough.

 

Then he suggested that I stay overnight more often and basically bring another set of all the stuff I need to get ready before work. I know he wants to make sure that our routines match, but a part of me was disappointed with his answer. I know his reasons are logical, but a part of me can't help but feel hurt that he didn't feel the same way about it. I really wanted him to be excited about the idea.

He's not excited about it--he sees you as looking for him to save you from your current living situation because it's not where you want to be. You're not self-sufficient enough to get your own place on your own terms and that is never a place you want to be in as a woman. Never be at the mercy of someone else for a place to lay your head at night.

 

It has been a month now of me spending on average 5 nights a week at his house and I feel so scatterbrained and tired. I feel like nomad that is wandering around without a place to call home. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even know where I am. Lately he has been saying things like "lets go home" or "it's up there in your bathroom" so it sounds like he is warming up to the idea but who knows...

Don't do that. Don't project what you think he means based upon what you want him to mean. Considering he hasn't asked you to formally move in yet, he's not saying that to you the way you're taking it.

 

 

It is also hard on me because of the fact that my parents are always saying I am never around and I feel guilty for this. It's like I am being pulled in two different directions.

You need your own place. Your folks have gotten used to you being in their space again and have an expectation of you, as their child living under their roof, to make an appearance.

 

I am starting to feel like he likes the benefit of having a girlfriend but still wants to live like a bachelor. Because he can't stay overnight at my parents house (they won't allow it), I feel like I am putting in all of the sacrifice in the relationship which is leading me to become resentful. I wonder when he will ever be ready for me to move in? Also, how long should I continue living like this?

 

Ps. Finances are not an issue here. I have told him I would contribute half and it would be equal.

If you can afford to contribute half, then you need to move into your own place. He doesn't want to live with you or have an insta-wifey. As long as you're coming across as needing him for a place to live and looking like you can't get yourself sorted in this area, he's probably not going to want you legally living with him.

 

Get your own place. That's where you need to put the "finances are not an issue here" thingy.

[lasquiti89]

Another factor at play is that my parents are going to start charging me rent (which is absolutely fine as I honestly don't know why they didn't before). My dad has been laid off for a year now and they are struggling to pay bills right now as he is in a pretty big lawsuit over his severance package. If I leave and pay someone else who I hardly know rent when I could help them out, I would feel horrible. I would much rather deal with my lack of independence than to not support my family when they need it. It's a tough position to be in.

[O'Malley]

I would probably just ask him to start putting his laundry in his closet so that the dryer is free. I think that if I moved in we would both have to compromise on certain things. I don't want to go an nag him now about his clothes taking up the dryer and washer now as I have a lot of clothes and don't need to really do laundry all the time. I usually just save laundry for Sunday when my mom and dad want me home for dinner.

 

Given that he's 35, I'd say that he's set in his ways as far as domestic arrangements. It's the small things that can drive you up the wall.

 

He likes the life he has with you the way that it is. There is also no guarantee that cohabitating with him would result in him desiring marriage. Never assume; just live a bit more of your own life - move into an apartment and don't be joined at the hip with him 24/7 - then reevaluate in a few months.

[d0nnivain]

I get that paying your parents' rent will help them & it's lovely that you want to do that for your family. I also get your parents' rules about overnight guests & why your BF does not want to even consider sleeping at their house. You seem to understand both of those things.

 

 

If you don't think much would change if you moved into your own place, then there is not point when staying with your parents benefits them financially while there are in a bad spot.

 

 

I would work on the laundry thing with your BF now though. Sort of work up to leaving work clothes at his house. That is a small change he should probably be OK with at this stage.

 

 

Give him some more time to come around to the idea of living together. For me it was never a good idea unless you were at a point where you were thinking about marriage. It's not training wheels for marriage but it is a deeper commitment then just dating. 10 months is too soon to be on that page, IMO. If you can't wait the whole year, since you won't be tied to a lease while you continue to live with your parents, revisit the issue in 8 months when you will have been together for 1.5 years.

[Emilia]

I would probably just ask him to start putting his laundry in his closet so that the dryer is free. I think that if I moved in we would both have to compromise on certain things. I don't want to go an nag him now about his clothes taking up the dryer and washer now as I have a lot of clothes and don't need to really do laundry all the time. I usually just save laundry for Sunday when my mom and dad want me home for dinner.

But shouldn't that be his compromise allowing you to do your laundry? Shouldn't you ask to see whether he is willing to change his habits?

 

You don't seriously at the age of 26 still have your parents tell you what to do?

[Emilia]

Another factor at play is that my parents are going to start charging me rent (which is absolutely fine as I honestly don't know why they didn't before). My dad has been laid off for a year now and they are struggling to pay bills right now as he is in a pretty big lawsuit over his severance package. If I leave and pay someone else who I hardly know rent when I could help them out, I would feel horrible. I would much rather deal with my lack of independence than to not support my family when they need it. It's a tough position to be in.

Your father is unemployed and you haven't been paying rent?

 

What do you mean you don't know why they didn't ask before. How about you offering????

 

All of a sudden when there MIGHT be some realistic expectation on you to become independent, you have another excuse why not to be.

 

I reckon this is why your guy doesn't want you to move in. He has figured you out.

[lasquiti89]

No my parents don't tell me what to do. Sunday dinner is just a tradition in our family. It allows us all to connect once a week with my other siblings and stuff. You are expected to be there though but it's not a big deal if you can't make it to dinner.

 

I guess I can start doing laundry over there at his house if I wanted to. Like I said before though. The laundry thing isn't really an issue for me. Maybe its a "girl" thing but I like to have my clothes with me in case I wan't to wear something. If I leave half my wardrobe at his house I'll just get pissed that I don't have the item I want when I want it. Call me high-maintenance if you will but I just like having access to my things.

[lasquiti89]

I did offer to pay rent but my mother refused to make me pay it! She said because my younger brother (23) isn't paying rent that I shouldn't have to. That was back a few months ago and they wanted to keep things fair between us. Now we are both going to contribute equally.

[sc0316]

Your father is unemployed and you haven't been paying rent?

 

What do you mean you don't know why they didn't ask before. How about you offering????

 

All of a sudden when there MIGHT be some realistic expectation on you to become independent, you have another excuse why not to be.

 

I reckon this is why your guy doesn't want you to move in. He has figured you out.

 

It appears like the OP is contemplating moving out only because her parents now plan to charge her rent soon. If I were in her situation, I'd back pay the missing rents to her parents.

[GemmaUK]

Money is no issue so get a place of your own!

 

You can then date properly but also he can see in you that you are responsible.

 

I moved in with my LTR guy after 8 months but we each knew we could look after ourselves - hugely important to us both.

 

I would not have moved in with him not knowing that.

He ended up the fabulous cook who taught me a heck of a lot!

We split up after 14 years (my choice) and still shared the same house for 8 months due to a solicitor who I sacked who was soooo slooow.

Me and my ex had a few cooking training sessions for me - Green Day blaring - singing and dancing our heads and asses off...it was great fun!

 

If your man is not ready to move in you must respect that.

Do not force it.

[Emilia]

You say one thing then a further question gets asked and you change your tune completely.

 

'My parents want me home for dinner', 'No they don't want me for dinner, it's what we do to connect'.

 

'I don't know why my parents didn't ask for rent before', 'No I mean I offered, they just wouldn't accept it'

 

I get the impression form this thread that you like things pan out nice and comfortable and responsibility isn't your thing. Is that a fair summary?

[GemmaUK]

Please disregard my last post - written before new info arrived.