He say's we aren't ready to move in together

[lasquiti89]

I have been in a committed relationship with a man for around 10 months now. We are quite serious and have said "I love you" to each other already and regularly say it often. Things are going great and I want to move it forward even more by moving in with him.

 

A little bit of background. I live with my parents right now (past roommate kicked me out for her new bf to move in) and my boyfriend has owned his own home for years. About a month ago I brought up having me move in with him. It didn't go as well as I thought it would. He basically said that we needed to be around each-other more and that we weren't ready for it yet. Then he suggested that I stay overnight more often and basically bring another set of all the stuff I need to get ready before work. I know he wants to make sure that our routines match, but a part of me was disappointed with his answer. I know his reasons are logical, but a part of me can't help but feel hurt that he didn't feel the same way about it. I really wanted him to be excited about the idea.

 

It has been a month now of me spending on average 5 nights a week at his house and I feel so scatterbrained and tired. I feel like nomad that is wandering around without a place to call home. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even know where I am. Lately he has been saying things like "lets go home" or "it's up there in your bathroom" so it sounds like he is warming up to the idea but who knows... It is also hard on me because of the fact that my parents are always saying I am never around and I feel guilty for this. It's like I am being pulled in two different directions.

 

I am starting to feel like he likes the benefit of having a girlfriend but still wants to live like a bachelor. Because he can't stay overnight at my parents house (they won't allow it), I feel like I am putting in all of the sacrifice in the relationship which is leading me to become resentful. I wonder when he will ever be ready for me to move in? Also, how long should I continue living like this?

 

Ps. Finances are not an issue here. I have told him I would contribute half and it would be equal.

[d0nnivain]

You should continue to live like this for at least another YEAR. Yes, I'm serious. 10 months is too soon to talk about living together. You pushing this will only push him away.

 

 

He is not ready. The idea is not appealing to him. He's entitled to not ne ready for that level of commitment. If you want to nurture this relationship do it from different addresses.

 

 

If you no longer want to live with your parents get your own place, just not with your BF

[PegNosePete]

Well yes, his reasons were logical and sensible.

 

But now, yours are too. You've had a one-month "trial period". You're prepared to contribute financially so he will be better off if you move in. If he's going on logic, then moving in would seem logical now that you've tested the waters.

 

If I were you I'd tell him this and see what he thinks.

[Satu]

If he's not ready, he's not ready.

 

No good can come of forcing the issue.

[Zahara]

Why don't you get your own place? Find your independence. Instead of waiting for him to provide you with a more comfortable situation. He doesn't have to be the one to provide you with a place called "home". Personally, 10 months is too soon.

 

If you're running ragged from 5 nights a week at his place then tell him you need to cut down you time at his place. You don't have to do what he wants. He doesn't get to dictate the terms while you just go about appeasing him.

[Gaeta]

1 month is not enough to test compatibility.

 

Honestly I find you a bit whiny to complain about waking up and not knowing where you are. Have you tried that one on him? very childish and sounds like you are looking for pity. Not attractive.

 

If finance is not an issue then get your own place and continue spending time with each other.

 

You had a room-mate then when you had to leave you went to live at your parents instead of getting another place. That doesn't come across as very independent. I can see where it would scare a man that has enough independence to own his home. It sounds like you wanna get it easy.

[katiegrl]

If he's not ready, he's not ready.

 

No good can come of forcing the issue.

 

What does this mean "not ready"?

 

I hear this all the time but could never figure it out.

 

My friend has been dating a man three years and she wants to get married.

 

Her bf keeps saying "not ready".

 

Well, what will it take for you to *become ready*?

 

Feel more in love? What?

 

Yes it seems logical given what you posted OP, that living together would be the next step.

 

If he says he is not ready, ask him what it would take, or what he would need to become ready ...

 

I would!

[clia]

I wouldn't continue living like that if I were you. Dragging your stuff back and forth five nights a week? No thanks. Cut back to a couple nights a week, or whatever you feel like you can handle. It's just too much. But if he's not ready to move in together, he's not ready. I don't think you should keep pushing it. I also don't think he's being unreasonable after only 10 months together.

 

I agree with some of the other posters that you should just get your own place. That way he can stay the night with you.

[Satu]

snip

 

*I agree with some of the other posters that you should just get your own place. That way he can stay the night with you.

 

Thats what I would do.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that starting a conversation about what is "ready" or what that looks like is a good idea. But OP can't push too hard or he'll feel cornered & say you know what none of this is worth it to me.

 

 

When I was younger & not ready it simply meant I knew I was young & I didn't want to be tied down. I didn't want to get into something that I couldn't easily get out of. When you break up you just say you are done & walk away. When you live together somebody has to move. If both names are on the lease, you may have to get the landlord's agreement; somebody may not be able to afford the place without the other. When you divorce you need lawyers. To me "not ready" was part of not wanting to get involved with those responsibilities.

[deadparrot]

I don't necessarily think 10 months is too soon--according to studies most people start living together between the 6 month-1 year mark, and the second highest number do it between a year and two years. My BF are moving in together next month, which is also our one-year anniversary. He brought up the topic at around 11 months. Then again, I don't know how old you are--we're both around 30 and both had a good idea that this relationship was going to be serious early on. We've lived together on weekends and spent literally every free evening together for...let's just say a long time. Basically the only thing will be changing is that we'll be spending weeknights together. If you're significantly younger, it's probably wise to wait another year.

 

That said, you are on two different pages. On the one hand, he isn't ready, and that should be respected. On the other, the current situation isn't working for you. I think you need to communicate that you're being run ragged shuffling back and forth, and that you need a home base. If he's still not ready, then as suggested, perhaps you need to consider getting your own place for a year. Living on your own is an important step in your personal development--heck, I did it for 4.5 years.

[Toodaloo]

What does this mean "not ready"?

 

I hear this all the time but could never figure it out.

 

My friend has been dating a man three years and she wants to get married.

 

Her bf keeps saying "not ready".

 

Well, what will it take for you to *become ready*?

 

Feel more in love? What?

 

Yes it seems logical given what you posted OP, that living together would be the next step.

 

If he says he is not ready, ask him what it would take, or what he would need to become ready ...

 

I would!

 

In my case it means I am feeling rushed and pressurised. They haven't even been together for a year yet. When you are ready you feel comfortable and feel that the time is right. You know the person and you trust the person.

 

By the way Kate your friend needs to leave her boyfriend if he is not ready after 3 years because she is wasting her time...

 

A year to two years to move in. A year or two after that for marriage. Anything over and its not going to happen.

[Satu]

*What does this mean "not ready"?

 

I hear this all the time but could never figure it out.

 

My friend has been dating a man three years and she wants to get married.

 

Her bf keeps saying "not ready".

 

It means:

 

"I don't want to, at this time."

 

"This time" could mean this year, next year, or forever.

 

So:

 

If you like your relationship as it stands, today, you'll most probably like it tomorrow.

 

If you don't like your relationship as it stands, today, you'll most likely not like it tomorrow.

[katiegrl]

In my case it means I am feeling rushed and pressurised. They haven't even been together for a year yet. When you are ready you feel comfortable and feel that the time is right. You know the person and you trust the person.

 

By the way Kate your friend needs to leave her boyfriend if he is not ready after 3 years because she is wasting her time...

 

A year to two years to move in. A year or two after that for marriage. Anything over and its not going to happen.

 

Thank you! Assuming I was the OP.... that is some very important info I would need to know!

 

Rushed and pressured.

 

We have exchanged I love you's.

 

We are already committed. Or so he claims.

 

But by taking the next step, living together, which we are already doing for the most anyway except I, or the OP, has to trapse myself back and forth each time, he feels *rushed and pressured*.

 

Alrighty then!

 

OP pull back get your own place and start dating other guys.

 

Re my friend, yes I know! And have told her that.

[Gaeta]

I honestly think the boyfriend's problem is OP has not enough independence. She goes from room-mates to living at mom & dad again. How old are you OP? On top of that she says she has no financial issues so why isn't she standing on her own?

 

Put yourself in the boyfriend's shoes. Does OP have the pattern of an independent woman that will show initiative, resourcefulness, and resiliency once they become common-law.

[Gaeta]

One more thing.

 

Why do you travel your personal items each day? Leave them there. Can't he give you a drawer?

[Mikau]

Thank you! Assuming I was the OP.... that is some very important info I would need to know!

 

Rushed and pressured.

 

We have exchanged I love you's.

 

We are already committed. Or so he claims.

 

But by taking the next step, living together, which we are already doing for the most anyway except I, or the OP, has to trapse myself back and forth each time, he feels *rushed and pressured*.

 

Alrighty then!

 

OP pull back get your own place and start dating other guys.

 

Re my friend, yes I know! And have told her that.

Wait what? So because he isn't ready to move in after 10 months (considering his girlfriend still lives at her parents, concerns aren't that strange) and that's cause for her to stop being exclusive? Are you seriously comparing this to people who aren't ready for marriage 3+ years in?

[O'Malley]

You only want to move in with someone when they're just as enthusiastic as you, when you both see cohabitation the same way (it's not always the 'next step') and you're both clearly on the same page about finances, marriage and children. Until then, why put your finances into his home, when you could invest that money in a place of your own?

 

I'd prioritize moving into your own place and enjoying your independence for a few years, then come to a decision about cohabitation with a partner. Sleepovers can be arranged but you also get the benefits of "me" time.

[Mikau]

You only want to move in with someone when they're just as enthusiastic as you, when you both see cohabitation the same way (it's not always the 'next step') and you're both clearly on the same page about finances, marriage and children. Until then, why put your finances into his home, when you could invest that money in a place of your own?

 

I'd prioritize moving into your own place and enjoying your independence for a few years, then come to a decision about cohabitation with a partner. Sleepovers can be arranged but you also get the benefits of "me" time.

This, and maybe the OPs boyfriend sees it similarly and is the one to have to make a 'mature' decision here.

 

That doesn't mean he shouldn't talk to the OP about the reasons why though. So OP has all the information before she decides what to do.

[katiegrl]

Wait what? So because he isn't ready to move in after 10 months (considering his girlfriend still lives at her parents, concerns aren't that strange) and that's cause for her to stop being exclusive? Are you seriously comparing this to people who aren't ready for marriage 3+ years in?

 

No I am not comparing it to marriage. My mentioning my friend was only to make a point.

 

My brother, who we (the family), thought had a huge fear of commitment got ENGAGED to be married after 10 months.

 

Before meeting his fiance, he had a string of LTRs that never went anywhere as, according to him, he wasn't "ready."

 

I asked him what was so different about Xxxxx and he replied "it just feels "right" with her, I knew it almost immediately after meeting her."

 

He is getting married next month, approx one year from when they MET.

 

Men (most) KNOW when it feels right and when it doesn't. Most don't need a year or longer to know and feel that..... especially when already exchanging I love you's and claiming they are already committed.

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

The only reason I brought up my friend is because I don't want the OP to wake up 3-4 years down the road, only to have her bf say he's "not ready."

 

She is NOT even asking for marriage. She wants to take the next step, living together, which according to her, they are already doing! Except she has to trapse herself and her things back and forth.

 

What I also don't get is this idea that it hasn't even been one year yet.

 

What difference is two more months going to make?

 

Is he going to miraculously wake up two months from now and say "okay it's been a year, NOW I am ready."

 

That makes ZERO sense.

 

My opinion still stands. She needs to get her own place and start dating other guys. Find one who loves her enough, who feels committed enough to take that next step. Without feeling rushed and pressured. Who feels "ready."

 

So many women believe all they need to do is be "patient," only to wake up 3-4 years down the road and they are in the same boat they are now.

 

Dating a guy who still isn't "ready" to take that next step.

Edited May 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Men (most) KNOW when it feels right and when it doesn't. Most don't need a year or longer to know and feel that..... especially when already exchanging I love you's and claiming they are already committed.

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

The only reason I brought up my friend is because I don't want the OP to wake up 3-4 years down the road, only to have her bf say he's "not ready."

 

She is NOT even asking for marriage. She wants to take the next step, living together, which according to her, they are already doing! Except she has to trapse herself and her things back and forth.

 

What I also don't get is this idea that it hasn't even been one year yet.

 

What difference is two more months going to make?

 

Is he going to miraculously wake up two months from now and say "okay it's been a year, NOW I am ready."

 

That makes ZERO sense.

 

My opinion still stands. She needs to get her own place and start dating other guys. Find one who loves her enough, who feels committed enough to take that next step. Without feeling rushed and pressured. Who feels "ready."

 

So many women believe all they need to do is be "patient," only to wake up 3-4 years down the road and they are in the same boat they are now.

 

Dating a guy who isn't "ready" to take that next step.

 

Here is what I think is not jiving:

 

This part of her original post:

 

It has been a month now of me spending on average 5 nights a week at his house and I feel so scatterbrained and tired. I feel like nomad that is wandering around without a place to call home. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even know where I am.

 

I am reading drama all over this. I bet the woman your brother married was an independent woman with her own place and was not whining about not knowing where she is when she woke up in the middle of the night, right?

[clia]

No I am not comparing it to marriage. My mentioning my friend was only to make a point.

 

My brother, who we (the family), thought had a huge fear of commitment got ENGAGED to be married after 10 months.

 

Before meeting his fiance, he had a string of LTRs that never went anywhere as, according to him, he wasn't "ready."

 

I asked him what was so different about Xxxxx and he replied "it just feels "right" with her, I knew it almost immediately after meeting her."

 

He is getting married next month, approx one year from when they MET.

 

Men (most) KNOW when it feels right and when it doesn't. Most don't need a year or longer to know and feel that..... especially when already exchanging I love you's and claiming they are already committed.

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

The only reason I brought up my friend is because I don't want the OP to wake up 3-4 years down the road, only to have her bf say he's "not ready."

 

She is NOT even asking for marriage. She wants to take the next step, living together, which according to her, they are already doing! Except she has to trapse herself and her things back and forth.

 

What I also don't get is this idea that it hasn't even been one year yet.

 

What difference is two more months going to make?

 

Is he going to miraculously wake up two months from now and say "okay it's been a year, NOW I am ready."

 

That makes ZERO sense.

 

My opinion still stands. She needs to get her own place and start dating other guys. Find one who loves her enough, who feels committed enough to take that next step. Without feeling rushed and pressured. Who feels "ready."

 

So many women believe all they need to do is be "patient," only to wake up 3-4 years down the road and they are in the same boat they are now.

 

Dating a guy who still isn't "ready" to take that next step.

 

Not everyone views moving in together as the "next step" after 10 months of dating. I certainly didn't, and neither did my husband. To some people, moving in together is a big deal and not something to be taken lightly. I don't find it fishy at all that he's not ready for that at this point. He may well feel differently two months from now or six months from now.

[katiegrl]

Here is what I think is not jiving:

 

This part of her original post:

 

It has been a month now of me spending on average 5 nights a week at his house and I feel so scatterbrained and tired. I feel like nomad that is wandering around without a place to call home. Sometimes I wake up and I don't even know where I am.

 

I am reading drama all over this. I bet the woman your brother married was an independent woman with her own place and was not whining about not knowing where she is when she woke up in the middle of the night, right?

 

Yes she was, and IS. She also has a nine year daughter who she has been supporting.

 

Your comment about the OP causing drama is a good one, which is sort of my point.

 

Her boyfriend isn't ready, because he doesn't believe she is the right fit for him (at this point in time), being that she is NOT independent and a bit dramatic about things.

 

Perhaps if she got her own place, and stopped relying on him so much for her living situation and became more independent, he WOULD be "ready."

 

Which basically means he does not believe she is the "right" woman for him. At least not at this point in time.

 

IMO that is what "being ready" means. A man or woman realizing and knowing that that their partner is the right person for them and therefore is "ready" to take that next step.

 

Sometimes a man knows immediately like my brother. For others it takes longer.

 

In any event this is important info for someone to know. If he/she doesn't believe their partner thinks they are the right fit (not ready), at that particular point in time, they need to do whatever they need to do for themselves.

 

In the OP's case, get her own place. Become more independent. Even if her bf never believes it feels right with her (feels ready), at least she will have that -- her independence.

Edited May 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Is your BF religious OP? My Christian BF initially told me he's against living together before marriage. We were like you (I was constantly in his place).

 

We did move in though (around the 8th month) - there has been a HARD adaptation period, despite all the time that we were spending together prior to that. It takes it to a different level in terms of shared responsibilities etc. Maybe that's what your BF is afraid of if he has had other cohabitations before.

[Gaeta]

Yes she was, and IS. She also has a nine year daughter who she has been supporting.

 

Your comment about the OP causing drama is a good one, which is sort of my point.

 

Her boyfriend isn't ready, because he doesn't believe she is the right fit for him (at this point in time), being that she is NOT independent and a bit dramatic about things.

 

Perhaps if she got her own place, and stopped relying on him so much for her living situation and became more independent, he WOULD be "ready."

 

Which basically means he does not believe she is the "right" woman for him. At least not at this point in time.

 

IMO that is what "being ready" means. A man or woman realizing and knowing that that their partner is the right person for them and therefore is "ready" to take that next step.

 

Sometimes a man knows immediately like my brother. For others it takes longer.

 

In any event this is important info for someone to know. If he/she doesn't believe their partner thinks they are the right fit (not ready), at that particular point in time, they need to do whatever they need to do for themselves.

 

In the OP's case, get her own place. Become more independent. Even if her bf never believes it feels right with her (feels ready), at least she will have that -- her independence.

 

I agree 100% with all of this.

 

I am not agreeing with your previous post saying she needs to date other men. They are in a relationship of 10 months, they bonded. She just needs to become an adult. Dating other men won't serve any purpose but to break their trust and connection. It's not like they dated 1 month. You just don't up and start dating around when you've been in a relationship for that long and are in love.