Dating for almost 2 months questions about next steps...

[unbe]

So I met my current gf from OLD about 2 months ago. During which time I was dating two other girls but not serious obv.

 

We met and hit it off instantly, had a great first date and proceeded to see each other 2 other times that week. Now, she is currently unemployed and was down about that, she had warned me in the beginning that she couldn't give much to an R right now due to this. Also that she didnt want a sexual R at the moment, all of which I was ok with.

 

Anyway, we continued to see each other (no sex but we did kiss and were affectionate) for the next few weeks. We would see each other almost every other day. We would do things couples would normally do as well as still getting to know each other. I have met her friends on numerous occasions and she is set to meet my friends this week. During these meetings I am referred to as her boyfriend altough we have not defined this. One guy even told me she must really like me because her previous boyfriend of 3 years they never met (red flag!). These are her best friends!

 

Something to note- I have not met her father, who she lives with. I pick her up every time we hang out. I have asked her about this and she says she is embarrassed by him.

 

Anyway about 2 weeks ago we were shopping and she had mentioned the BF this again. Here I decided to ask her what she was hinting at and she backed off saying it was too soon (not quite sure why she keeps hinting at it then), I left it alone.

 

So up until last week we were hanging out alot, 4 out of the 7 days of the week. She crashes at my house on 5/15 and we do not have sex. This was the first time she had stayed over, she had voiced concerns early on about this (basically how recent previous guys have only been looking for that) so I felt it was prudent to not push this and show I wasnt only looking for that.

 

After that night we went 3 days without seeing each other until last Thursday. We had met up during the day and spent the entire day together, then we were going back to my house to have dinner. I had asked her why she was so distant during this and she said she is getting pressure from her family to meet me and she feels its too soon. She winds up staying over Thrusday and we do have sex that night. We then spend the entire weekend toghther and she stays every night. She even is starting to nest at my house, cleaning it. Keeping some stuff there which I am totally fine with.

 

We even have a trip planned next week for a few days which is going to be amazing!

 

HOWEVER......

 

I am still unsure on what exactly we are. I dont feel its on me to bring this up at the moment. I already did and was kinda shot down.

 

My question is, do I even need to bring it up? It seems that its kinda unspoken at this point.

Edited May 24, 2016 by unbe

[d0nnivain]

Has she gotten a new job yet? Until she does she may feel unable to move forward.

 

 

Personally I'd stop the sleepovers. To me adults don't have sleepovers just to cuddle especially before they have sex. It's a very off thing to me. Yes I did it in college but after the word teen is no longer in your age, if you don't want to have sex with somebody stay the heck out of their bed. As a woman I would lose a great deal of respect for any guy who allowed no sex sleep overs.

[unbe]

Has she gotten a new job yet? Until she does she may feel unable to move forward.

 

 

Personally I'd stop the sleepovers. To me adults don't have sleepovers just to cuddle especially before they have sex. It's a very off thing to me. Yes I did it in college but after the word teen is no longer in your age, if you don't want to have sex with somebody stay the heck out of their bed. As a woman I would lose a great deal of respect for any guy who allowed no sex sleep overs.

 

 

She has not found a job yet...

 

To be clear she only stayed over once without us having sex (the first time) Since then we have been having sex....

[PegNosePete]

My question is, do I even need to bring it up?

Well, it's pretty obvious that she likes you and wants a relationship I think. She calls you her BF and feels comfortable enough for sex. So I wouldn't say you need to push for labels or to have a big conversation about it.

 

I do think, however, that you need to clarify exclusivity. This doesn't need to be a big deal. Just tell her that you've taken your OLD profile down and that you're not seeing anyone else, and see if she reciprocates.

[unbe]

Well, it's pretty obvious that she likes you and wants a relationship I think. She calls you her BF and feels comfortable enough for sex. So I wouldn't say you need to push for labels or to have a big conversation about it.

 

I do think, however, that you need to clarify exclusivity. This doesn't need to be a big deal. Just tell her that you've taken your OLD profile down and that you're not seeing anyone else, and see if she reciprocates.

 

I did have this conversation two weeks ago (prior to sex) and noticed her profile is still active (mine is hidden)

[unbe]

Update:

 

We went to dinner Monday, She came by Tuesday for dinner but wanted to go home. She said she had to be up early the next day. We did not have sex

 

Didnt see each other Wed

 

She went to my house yesterday while I was at work to clean up and hang with my puppy. When I got home I had noticed she cleaned the entire house! I made dinner and tried to initiate sex but she wasn't going for it. Shes been saying she feels her period is coming, perhaps that's why. She did not stay last night either.

 

Tonight we have plans to grab dinner and go meet my friends for a drink.

 

Sunday we have plans to go to her friends for a BBQ which she literally begged me to do (not quite sure why she begged)

 

It feels like this relationship has already skipped the honeymoon phase and went straight to the comfort phase. Very odd IMO..

 

Is that necessarily a bad thing?

[unbe]

So last night we went out for dinner then met some of my friends for a drink.

 

She sat next to me, hand on leg. Held my arm...acted the part

 

One of my friends joked about how we are married already, whens the wedding etc...I didnt notice but my other buddy told me today when he was doing that she was shaking her head no.

 

She acts the part, does things a GF does but will not commit. We see each other constantly and honestly have no idea how she would even be seeing anyone else.

 

Any thoughts on this? I had the convo about 3 weeks ago and she said then she didnt believe in labels however when she talks about X's she certainly refers to them as such.

 

We are great together....Am I just thinking way to much into this?

[smackie9]

Sounds to me she is just passing the time away "hanging out" with you like close friends.

 

When they say "not into title" is another way of saying "I'm not that into you, and keeping my options open."

 

Having you at her friend's bbq could just mean she doesn't want to go alone, and show people she has a guy.

 

Personally I would never date someone like this. You have put your expectations aside for her and let her call the shots....it's very one sided and that isn't healthy.

[miafarrow]

unless you are under 24....

 

she is not your gf... i have sex with guys i care for, i dont wait 2 months for it unless i am caring for two guys at the same time.

 

then i dont have sex at all... because i am not like that...

 

what i do then is what she does... put good guy on hold and sort things out with guy i had before... untill i decide.

 

sounds to me like she is into her ex or having sex with someone else, probably some jerk thats stringing her along. Been there done that...

 

What i would do if i were you... i would back off and start to ignore her to see if she cares at all... if she gets worried and pissed...

Edited May 29, 2016 by miafarrow

[Heracles]

She is doing the bare minimum to keep you interested.

 

Notice that she only slept with you after letting you know how much pressure her parents are putting on her to meet you.

 

She had sex with you then and not since.

 

She is putting up with sex. You are right about the honeymoon phase except there was no honeymoon phase. Sexually, it is downhill from here

[Els]

I'm not really sure why everyone is focusing on the sex. IMO the real red flag here is that she has started 'nesting' at your place after less than 2 months! Maybe you are 'totally fine' with it, but I think it is still a little concerning. I don't know any healthy women who would do that. And I agree that it's rather odd the two of you have gotten into the 'comfort phase' so quickly.

 

Anyway, if you want to be her bf, then talk to her about it.

[unbe]

Ok let me clarify a few things, there seem to be some misconceptions

 

We have been dating for around 2 months now

 

3 weeks ago I brought up the whole bf/gf thing- she said it was too soon and she didn't believe in labels (I only brought it up because she was hinting at it so often). We had not had sex up to this point. I dont feel I should bring this up again, it should be on her.

 

The first time we had sex was not last Thursday but the time before (the second time she stayed over my house)

 

that weekend we had sex multiple times...she stayed over every night.

 

Then during this week we did not have sex until this morning (she stayed over last night). We did see each other almost every day with the exception of Wed.

 

There has been no further talks about progressing the R. I have seen her almost every day, she is not sleeping with anyone else. I can say this with 99% certainty.

 

She brought up yesterday how she loves what we have, what we are building towards. She loves being with me. She constantly brings up the future

 

I did meet her father yesterday, briefly.

 

Any further thoughts?

[unbe]

Update:

 

So far so good....we've been seeing each other roughly 5 days a week. She stays over most of the time. We are having sex regularly and she is now referring to us as a couple. We have had the exclusivity talk and are on the same page.

 

Ive met her friends, shes met some of mine. She met my dad, bro and sis. Has not met my mother yet ( I am much closer with my mom than my dad)

 

Things are progressing very well...

 

One thing that's bothering me: She is not very affectionate over text message. Its a small detail but its not what im use to. Its just her personality. We are going on 3 months now and I have almost said those 3 words a few times recently but have stopped myself.

 

Should a man be the first to say this?

[Gaeta]

Update:

 

So far so good....we've been seeing each other roughly 5 days a week. She stays over most of the time. We are having sex regularly and she is now referring to us as a couple. We have had the exclusivity talk and are on the same page.

 

Ive met her friends, shes met some of mine. She met my dad, bro and sis. Has not met my mother yet ( I am much closer with my mom than my dad)

 

Things are progressing very well...

 

One thing that's bothering me: She is not very affectionate over text message. Its a small detail but its not what im use to. Its just her personality. We are going on 3 months now and I have almost said those 3 words a few times recently but have stopped myself.

 

Should a man be the first to say this?

 

So are you gf/bf?

 

With her history of not wanting to be bf/gf I would hold on the ILY for now. You are definitely going at a faster pace than her.

[unbe]

So are you gf/bf?

 

With her history of not wanting to be bf/gf I would hold on the ILY for now. You are definitely going at a faster pace than her.

 

Yes we are. I am not sure if I am out pacing her at this point. I feel we just may express things in a different way...?

[unbe]

Update:

 

So last night threw me for a loop.

 

Backgorund: The girl I have been seeing has been unemployed for about 4 months. She had an interview yesterday.

 

The night before the interview she stayed home (the first night in over 10 days we didnt sleep in the same bed, shes been staying at my house). Anyway she said she was up all night tossing and turning, prob nervous about the interview.

 

She has the interview on Thursday at 5 and calls me when she gets home (around 6:15) Says it went well and shes really excited. I ask her if she wants to come by and she says yes, she wants to spend the night and have dinner she will call me in 20 minutes. Well, an hour goes by and she calls and says shes on her way.

 

When shes at the house everything seems normal. We eat, talk, and follow the same routine weve been doing. She Knows I have to be up early on fridays so we head to bed to watch GOT (which has been our thing since weve been dating). After the episode its around 12 and I shut the TV off to go to bed (just like evry other night).

 

About 15 minutes later she wakes me up and says shes going home. She says she cant sleep and doesnt want to keep me up. I said I really dont want her dirving this late, she said shell be fine and to not be mad.

 

She kissed me goodnight like 4 or 5 times then leaves. Texts me when she gets home that's shes safe (i didnt see it till this morning).

 

I text her this morning good morning and that I hope she has a great day. That was at 8:30 and I havent heard back yet.

 

Thoughts?

[VeveCakes]

I think if after 3 months you are analyzing every thing happens still it shows there is something in you making you question this relationship. Can you not talk to her about it?

 

I still get the vibe she might be stringing you along. Is her dating profile still active? Why does she need to leave in the middle of the night...

[unbe]

I think if after 3 months you are analyzing every thing happens still it shows there is something in you making you question this relationship. Can you not talk to her about it?

 

I still get the vibe she might be stringing you along. Is her dating profile still active? Why does she need to leave in the middle of the night...

 

Funny we spoke about the dating profile the other day. She says she has it paid up until July and shes not renewing it. It is still active

 

This is the first time she has done that (left in the middle of the night). Her excuse last night was she wasnt feeling good and was tossing and turning and didnt want to keep me up.....

[unbe]

Got a text: Hi, how are you doing?

 

I responded with im good, hows your day been?

 

She writes, good, Im not feeling well....

 

So i figured this was the beginning of the blow off so I called her.

 

Turns out shes coming down with a cold. I asked her if she wanted to cancel tonight and she said no, she still wants to hang out.

 

Do I even mention last night?

[VeveCakes]

Why hasn't she deleted her profile, that's a total bs excuse she told you. It sounds like she might be going with the motions with you until she thinks something better comes along.

 

I've been dating someone for a month, we haven't established bf/gf yet but we both deleted our profiles after the first week. This is three months.

 

She has spent a lot of time with you in three months, I find it odd she would want to leave in the middle of the night. If anything I would want to be with the person I care about to comfort me.

[unbe]

Why hasn't she deleted her profile, that's a total bs excuse she told you. It sounds like she might be going with the motions with you until she thinks something better comes along.

 

I've been dating someone for a month, we haven't established bf/gf yet but we both deleted our profiles after the first week. This is three months.

 

She has spent a lot of time with you in three months, I find it odd she would want to leave in the middle of the night. If anything I would want to be with the person I care about to comfort me.

 

This is possible I just question when could she possibly be dating someone else? I mean I guess during the day when Im at work but that seems highly unlikely. July will be here soon enough, I can see if that excuse is indeed BS

[VeveCakes]

Why wait? Ask her to delete it now because it seems odd. This is a fair request from a boyfriend.

 

She could be dating anytime, booty calls, who knows. She isn't working so?

[five2nine]

Some people are just more hesitant to commit and move more slowly than others. This sounds like her case. It's up to you whether you can trust her and wait around. Bring up the exclusivity thing if you haven't already.

 

I met someone online in january and he didn't agree to being my boyfriend until 3.5 months... We weren't officially exclusive until 2.5 months but I knew 99% we only saw each other the whole time. He didn't even remove his dating profiles until i said it bothered me at like 4.5 months. I trusted that he didn't use it but when I asked him he was still getting emails and stuff. But he is busy and part lazy so he didn't bother to remove them until I bugged him. Some people are like that.

 

I had the mentality of "well I'll find out soon enough" like you. I feel like I don't want to be so untrusting and always watching my back for someone to hurt me. Maybe she doesn't have ulterior motives and just moves slow.

Edited June 17, 2016 by five2nine

[unbe]

Some people are just more hesitant to commit and move more slowly than others. This sounds like her case. It's up to you whether you can trust her and wait around. Bring up the exclusivity thing if you haven't already.

 

I met someone online in january and he didn't agree to being my boyfriend until 3.5 months... We weren't officially exclusive until 2.5 months but I knew 99% we only saw each other the whole time. He didn't even remove his dating profiles until i said it bothered me at like 4.5 months. I trusted that he didn't use it but when I asked him he was still getting emails and stuff. But he is busy and part lazy so he didn't bother to remove them until I bugged him. Some people are like that.

 

I had the mentality of "well I'll find out soon enough" like you. I feel like I don't want to be so untrusting and always watching my back for someone to hurt me. Maybe she doesn't have ulterior motives and just moves slow.

 

We have already established we are exclusive. She does seem to change her speeds often and seems to be doing it again. Im guessing shes just unsure about getting that serious with me which puts me in a bad position.

[Emilia]

What's your relationship background OP? Relationship rythms are not constant, it ebbs and flows. You can't expect 100% consistency from anyone.