miss-gonewest Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 I'm really sad today... so does anyone have any good jokes??? I was due to see the ex/fwb/whatever he wants to call himself tonight for the first time since the breakup... we've been talking and are on the friends path again... He was going to come round, take me to dinner, have some drinks - whatever... I was looking forward to seeing him. Then I got a call this morning saying that he can't do it - has a friend in town, going to the pub - and will see me in the next few days. This isn't a shock, to me its just sad...it shows me where I am on his list of priorities and yeah, it hurts like hell. I know what I have to do, so I don't need the 'Dump him cos I deserve better' story (I wrote the book on it!), but what I do want is some good jokes, funny stories or really anything to make me smile... I am at work and its going to be a long day and now a lonely night.... So, give me your best!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Awwright!! I do agree, nothing brightens your day like a good hearty laugh! Hope this helps....cheer up!! ****** A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with the chair!" **** The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 TTSP, thank you again for coming to my rescue! You made me smile, and you made me feel like someone cared! Bless you! I have managed to lose a boyfriend, p-iss off my best friend, and isolate my mother.... all in the last few weeks. If I didn't laugh... I'd cry! Loved the lawyer joke - I am currently in the middle of a legal battle after being run over (I was a pedestrian) and am now beginning to see why everyone hates lawyers (ooops.... hope YOU'RE not a lawyer!!). If you have any more, send 'em on! And I'm feeling better... I wanted to cry this morning, but he's just not worth it right now... things could be far worse, I just have to put them into perspective. I'm also going to go and buy some books this weekend - so if anyone has any good suggestions for chicks, let me know. I think I need the equivalent to COIC's "No More Mr Nice Guy" - is there a "No More Miss Nice Girl" on the market... Ta again for the laugh!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 I am just glad I was able to make you smile....if I can bring along some cheer to a dull day, I feel better automatically LOL..ok you're gonna laugh now..I am a lawyer!! Honest....not kidding. I have an undergraduate degree in law from my home country....but then my "good heart" got the better of me and now I'm getting a degree in business. Heee.....so I know first-hand what sharks lawyers are!! And I love lawyer jokes... Here's one more... Three surgeons were discussing who was the best patient to operate upon. The first surgeon said, "Ah, without doubt, the best kind of patient to operate upon is an engineer. Everything is color coded in there!" The second surgeon says, "I beg to differ, my friend, but I would vote for the Librarian. Everything is alphabetically arranged". The third surgeon quips, "No way - it's the lawyer who is a surgeon's dream to operate upon. Just imagine - no heart, no spine, no guts...and the brain and the butt are interchangeable"!! *** Here's an amusing anecdote I remember reading long back....a true incident.. At the gala party, two gentlemen were exchanging polite pleasantries. Gent 1: (looking toward the staircase, at two women descending the stairs) - "By George, that is the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life". Gent 2: "That's my wife". Gent 1: (going red in the face) - "Oh, I meant the other one". Gent-2: "That's my daughter". *** Take heart, you'll have a better evening than you think!! How about getting yourself some great food and a funny movie? And afterwards you can treat yourself to dessert... Take care.
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 TTSP - you are kidding me right? I cannot believe you are a lawyer! That gave me a real belly laugh - and I haven't had one of those in a few weeks. You are just my favourite!!! Thank you so much - and again I loved both the jokes!!! I will be smiling all night now - you are just fabulous! And you know what? I've had a really good night - with a hardly a thought to the [insert expletive here]. I tried a new recipe for Salt & Pepper calamari and it was fab! (Although I did have a thought that its a 2 person dish - by the time I finished shallow frying the squid, the cooked ones were cold! ) So, if you like Calamari, pop round - we can share the cooking LOL! Now I'm sipping a lovely glass of red while I peruse LS. I have my fave comfy trackies on (is that what you call them there?) and I have The Amazing Race on in the background (don't tell me who wins, we're way behind!!!) so I am happy...! Thanks again - you made my night!
Fallen_Angel Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Laughter is great. I'm amazed in the midst of everything that has happened I still have the ability to laugh. I don't know any good jokes, but I'm a huge fan of The Simpsons and anything with Will Ferrell. You couldn't possibly keep a straight face through Old School...if you haven't seen it, rent it! And he is absolutely priceless in those SNL Jeopardy skits. "Write down a number between one and five...and you wrote...threeve." Red wine, good food, and comfortable pants?! You've got it made, girl!
loveisallaround Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by miss-gonewest I'm also going to go and buy some books this weekend - so if anyone has any good suggestions for chicks, let me know. I think I need the equivalent to COIC's "No More Mr Nice Guy" - is there a "No More Miss Nice Girl" on the market... Actually there is! Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. Great read. Pick up Strangers With Candy on DVD - you will laugh! And screw your ex. He's playing his game. Next time you talk to him, be aloof, self assured and most of all: unavailable. If he wants a power game, turn the tables, and he'll have one.
smile95 Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Miss G I am sorry that you got your hopes up and then he did that. I know the feeling. i hope that your day was filled with smiles! Grab some friends and head out! Do something nive for yourself! Take a long bath with a bottle of wine and candles. I truly hope that he makes this up to you, I am sure you were looking fwd to this.Keep smiling! Can you believe she was a lawyer????? lol what are the chances!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I really am a lawyer!! *pleeeeaaase believe me!!* I'm not kidding....like I said, I have my undergrad degree in law. But finishing up my business degree now in the US - the only reason I came all the way here was him... oh well lemme think of something else... But yeah I've always had people disbelieving me when I tell them that - is it because they would expect a lawyer to sport big pointy shark teeth?! Maybe I should start ripping people to shreds on this forum ...hehehee I hope you're feeling better Miss gonewest...and yay, you're back to being the blissfully (well almost) happy you, with no thoughts of the bogeyman !! I like watching Seinfeld on television - wonder if you get that in Aus. I also happened to watch "The three fugitives" the other day - and barring the last half-hour, the movie was hilarious! And for some reason, I've always loved watching Mr. Bean movies... Do you like dessert? Cherry cake...puddings - pies - oooh sooo delicious!! And yeah, if you have a workout routine, nothing like it - I'm pushing my lazy butt to be more regular at that!! Wishing you lots of cheer for the day...
limejoose Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 My doctor told me I need to start watching my drinking.... So I started drinking in front of a mirror!
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 Not that we want to pick on lawyers.... (TTSP).... but here's one for you: Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days" George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 Guys, you've been great... thanks so much for all the funny posts & for cheering me up, its meant a lot. Today I am just over him - I couldn't care if he fell of a cliff so I guess that's a good thing. And I am not giving him a thought over the weekend (yeah right!) - or that's the plan at least. Hey, maybe we should invite Jen Jen Heartbroken over here and we can start on all the shrink jokes, give TTSP and the lawyers a rest hey? Here's a pretty sad joke, but I like it (it also shows how clever us secretaries are!): A zany female went for a job interview for the post of a Secretary. When the manager saw her colourful attire, crazy hair and brash jewellery, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain her. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance. The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK.” The enthusiastic woman thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Ahh, Wrong number ...........Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thankyou." The Manager fainted.......
Rosalind Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Got one for you : How can you tell when a man is lying?..............his lips move
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 That was a new one!! I have a couple of jokes on Medicine here.... **** RING RING CLICK *Recording* - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. **** This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. General: "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." Respiration: "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire" Cardiovascular: "The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars." Gastrointestinal: "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama." Orthopedics: "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on." Reproductive medicine: "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "To prevent contraception, wear a condominium." Eyes and nose: "To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose." "For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops." First aid: "For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor." "For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration." **** Seems like we're compiling a jokebook here Oh well, anything that helps people smile once a day...'cause it helps.
smile95 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 oh I believed you were a lawyer, I just think it was funny and ironic! I did not want you to think I meant it like I did not believe you.
Rosalind Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass I have a couple of jokes on Medicine here.... **** RING RING CLICK *Recording* - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. **** Oh gosh, that's funny! Kinda reminds of the TRUE story about how in a certain part of Canada distressed, suffering people can only call the crisis center during business hours - 9am -5pm Monday thru Friday!!! click on the link : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t63547/
SexKitten Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 what country allows you to be a lawyer with only an undergraduate degree? anyway, here's a nasty joke... what's the difference between meatloaf and pu$$y? you can eat your mother's meatloaf. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. this is my favourite joke of all time, but it works better to speak it then write it... knock, knock... who's there? interupting cow. interupti----- MOO! and one more... two deaf and blind people get married. they (somehow) make an agreement to let each other know when they want to have sex. the woman tells the man--"if you want to have sex, squeeze my breast twice. if you don't want to have sex, squeeze my breast once. the man says--"if you want to have sex, pull on my dyck once. if you don't want to have sex, pull on it at least 50 times."
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Was bored at work and thought we could add to the collection... These are a bit anti-men, sorry if it offends anyone but they aren't my favourite folk today! Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds. Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander? A: It's too little to be out alone. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority. Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man. Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So they can think with an open mind. Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount. Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss all three. Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? A: He is breathing. Q: What is a man's idea of foreplay? A: A half-hour of begging. Q: Why do men like love at first sight? A: It saves them a lot of time.
Lindsey5280 Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 My ex dumped me the day that my father passed away!!! He was supposed to take me to the movies so He could cheeer me up, but no he had to go get another girl laid!!Not to mention she was my best friend!!
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