Gloria25 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) I was listening to my fav podcaster and she asked a guy the same question that comes to my mind when people come to complain about their so...which is: 'I love him/her, but...' For me (and according to my fav podcaster), love means: "Awe, admiration, respect". If the person you're with is lazy, mean, etc. then how can you say you "love" them in the same breath? If they have aspects about their personality, character, values, etc. that turn you off, then how can you say you still "love" them? I'm so sick of people throwing around the world "love" to define "attraction", "hornies", "likes", etc. BTW, the call was about a guy not wanting to give up on a woman he said he "loved" - even though 11 months into dating her, although she said she was looking for marriage/white picket fence, he said her actions weren't matching her words and she seemed to be a very selfish person...BUT, he "loves" her anyway and doesn't want to give up on her . My fav podcaster was able to convince him that it wasn't "love", it was "desperation" and "fear of being alone"...anything BUT "love". Edited May 24, 2016 by Gloria25
Got it Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Because if you love someone for an extended period of time things about them may come to light that you don't love but you still love them as a whole entity. You don't have to love everything about someone to love them. I think if you are following the belief that you must love every aspect about someone then your love will never stand the test of time as with any long relationship/marriage there are times where you may actually not like them very much but you still love them. Shoot those with kids know that you may really not like them on a given day but you still love them with all your heart! Love allows things to ebb and flow, it allows people to be less than perfect and it is a strength that will be there to pick someone up. Love is not fickle, or strings attached or judging. But the people in it may falter, may stumble, may show less than stellar attributes but hopefully the love their partner has for them will see them through. Love should not be taken for granted though. Love needs to be nurtured, and fed, and nourished or love will die away. Being in love is hard work and needs to be prioritized every day. Love can fade or lost if not treated well. 1
salparadise Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Love and attachment are not the same thing, but as GotIt said, loving includes accepting the entire person. Your favorite podcaster loves to chastise and ridicule; it's part of her schtick. Take it with a pound of salt. 4
dichotomy Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) I was listening to my fav podcaster and she asked a guy the same question that comes to my mind when people come to complain about their so...which is: 'I love him/her, but...' For me (and according to my fav podcaster), love means: "Awe, admiration, respect". If the person you're with is lazy, mean, etc. then how can you say you "love" them in the same breath? If they have aspects about their personality, character, values, etc. that turn you off, then how can you say you still "love" them? I'm so sick of people throwing around the world "love" to define "attraction", "hornies", "likes", etc. BTW, the call was about a guy not wanting to give up on a woman he said he "loved" - even though 11 months into dating her, although she said she was looking for marriage/white picket fence, he said her actions weren't matching her words and she seemed to be a very selfish person...BUT, he "loves" her anyway and doesn't want to give up on her . My fav podcaster was able to convince him that it wasn't "love", it was "desperation" and "fear of being alone"...anything BUT "love". Love does not have to be a two way street. It should be - but often its not. If your asking if some one can love you - and treat you or themselves like **** - maybe not, but that does not mean you can't still love them. Example - non romantic love - love for a child. They can be selfish, lazy, insulting to you, disrespectful, mean, and more. But you still love them right ? Or rather most parents do. Sometimes this nasty treatment by your kids is a phase, but might last years. Sometimes loving your partner can be similar - they might be lazy, selfish or more. Loving often means Choosing be loving even when you don't FEEL like it - or feel you are being loved back. Love can be sacrifice as well putting the others well being above your own. But false love can also be a form of codependence or based on attachment - especially when a partner is abusive to you. Edited May 24, 2016 by dichotomy
Larryville Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I'm so sick of people throwing around the world "love" to define "attraction", "hornies", "likes", etc. Yes here it is amazingly routine. You can’t “love” anyone if you are clearly unable to recognize loves basic traits. Love and attachment are not the same thing, but as GotIt said, loving includes accepting the entire person. The basic requirements for “true love” are respect, trust, honesty and faith. Learning to recognize them helps you nourish and enrich your relationships, but sometimes it’s easier to recognize when they are lacking than it is to see their presence. Love: *You Can Express Your Opinion without Fear. In a loving relationship, you can speak the truth without fearing that it will anger your partner or cause him to abandon you. You know that your partner will listen to you with respect and respond to you with honesty. *You Can Confide Your Deepest Thoughts to Your Partner. A loving relationship is built on intimacy, and intimacy relies on being able to communicate with each other honestly. That means you must both feel safe to express your thoughts to each other. You can trust that your partner will keep your confidence and not share what you tell her with others in a way that hurts you. *You Share Common Goals and Beliefs. Shared faith is a vital part of a loving and evolving relationship. You put your faith in each other and in the commitment you make to each other. You believe in the same principles and work together toward a common goal, and you believe that together, you are strong enough to reach the goals you set. The respect part is “accepting the entire person.” But false love can also be a form of codependence or based on attachment - especially when a partner is abusive to you. This is why understanding a person’s past is important, some people are completely incapable of loving anyone because they simply don’t have the relationship role models from their past to relate too. If all you saw growing up was betrayal, abuse, distance, lack of communication, lack of respect, anger ect you can’t give or engage in something you have no capacity to understand. This is why so many people here mistake basic human interaction or kindness with love. 1
Quiet Storm Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Many people do not have examples of healthy love, especially during our formative years. I will give my own example because I have found that many people shared similar dysfunctional upbringings. My father was alcoholic and drug addict, and my mom was codependent. Due to his addiction, my dad was very inconsistent when it came to showing his love for me. Some days he'd be helping with my science project, taking me crabbing or we'd be watching Jeopardy together. He'd hug me and tell me how smart I was, how lucky he was to be my dad and how much he loved me. Other days, he'd scream at me and accuse me of crazy things due to the drug induced paranoia. Sometimes, he'd forget to give us dinner and ignore us for days. My mom was always working because he couldn't hold a job. They had a turbulent relationship, fighting and making up, over and over again. Although I experienced many unloving actions in my home, both of my parents assured me that they loved me and loved each other. "Your dad didn't mean to do that, he loves you. He's just stressed" "Sorry you had to hear that. Don't worry, me & Dad love each other." "Sorry I forgot you, pumpkin. You know I love you, right? We'll go crabbing together this weekend" Many children live in environments like this where the love is inconsistent. The bad behavior is minimized or explained away. This sends kids the message that people can treat you badly, but they still love you. In adulthood, the pattern often repeats. They will accept unloving behavior because they are used to love being inconsistent. The people that loved them as a child and the people who set examples of love behaved in ways that weren't loving. This normalizes the dysfunction and makes dysfunctional relationships feel familiar later in life. Some people even feel that functional, healthy relationships are uncomfortable. As adults, they will often minimize and explain away the unloving behavior of their significant other. Just like their parents did. They view it as love because that is their version of love. 3
alwaysgreener Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I don't want to jack your thread but it fits right in line with something I was going to start. At 38, I don't know if I know what "love" is, and here I am supposed to be married to the mother of my child in a few months. She's a great woman, we work great as a team, I want to give my son a stable home, but I don't feel that "I can't live without you love" towards her. Maybe I have the wrong attitude, I've always lived my life feeling like everything is replaceable (besides family and loved ones of course), if me and her don't work, I pick up the pieces and move on. "I can't live without you" just isn't a true statement to me. She'll move on and so would I, sure after a few lost appetites and tears maybe. After 2-3 relationships, a few flings and a little fun in between, just don't know if I've ever felt real love towards any woman. 1
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