Guy that's been single too long?

[GravityMan]

A guy (especially a guy in his 20s or 30s, and especially if he seems to superficially have his act together) that is single for longer than 3-4 years is going to give a lot of women some pause, and understandably so. It's often an indicator of underlying character, personality or lifestyle issues that may be harmful to the establishment and wellbeing of a relationship. He may be TOO independent and overly accustomed to being by himself and doing everything himself, afraid to occasionally depend on and trust others. He may have a hard time adjusting to having someone in his life, especially if he's a bit older and more dead set in his ways.

 

OTOH if the guy at least dates every now and then during his lengthy single period, and has a decent social life in general, then it's not a big deal.

 

Loners are generally viewed as weird and make many people feel uncomfortable.

 

As for the guy in the OP...watching a TV show for a date seems lame as hell. Most people normally wait until things have progressed a bit further before having those kinds of get-togethers. It's easily possible for a guy to march to the beat of his own drum while simultaneously being considerate and inclusive of others, notably a woman he's dating.

[AMJ]

\I don't get it really, this is my 3d date where they all say they enjoyed the date and want to meet up again but then the days after the date they just go missing. There goes my confidence.

 

Don't take it personally, this happens to all of us, I promise. Online dating is a complete gamble. When you meet your dates in person, the old fashioned way, you'll always have a better chance of success and meeting people you want to go out with a second and third time (and vice-versa). But I think most people have the same experience with OLD - second dates are rare.

 

When I think about it, the few people I know who found their significant other online, pretty much the only time they met someone who lasted longer than one or two dates, they ended up getting married.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

A guy (especially a guy in his 20s or 30s, and especially if he seems to superficially have his act together) that is single for longer than 3-4 years is going to give a lot of women some pause, and understandably so. It's often an indicator of underlying character, personality or lifestyle issues that may be harmful to the establishment and wellbeing of a relationship. He may be TOO independent and overly accustomed to being by himself and doing everything himself, afraid to occasionally depend on and trust others. He may have a hard time adjusting to having someone in his life, especially if he's a bit older and more dead set in his ways.

 

OTOH if the guy at least dates every now and then during his lengthy single period, and has a decent social life in general, then it's not a big deal.

 

Loners are generally viewed as weird and make many people feel uncomfortable.

 

As for the guy in the OP...watching a TV show for a date seems lame as hell. Most people normally wait until things have progressed a bit further before having those kinds of get-togethers. It's easily possible for a guy to march to the beat of his own drum while simultaneously being considerate and inclusive of others, notably a woman he's dating.

 

 

My last boyfriend had been single for three to four years before he met me. He was amazing! and a great lover! and before then he had been single for seven years! I was thrilled! Maybe it's because I have been single for longer than a decade but I PREFER it if men have been single for long periods of time, it means I can relate to long term singles a lot better and I feel more comfortable around them. Nothing worse than a guy talking about his most recent breakup that happens only months ago, makes me think they're not over the last one. A guy that's been single for long periods of time for me, is an indicator that he is comfortable in his own skin and that he is independent. I like independence. It's sexy.

 

And some long term singles have nothing wrong with them other than they're waiting for the right person. I don't think anything could be sexier than that!

And who cares if someone takes a while to adjust into a relationship and that they take a while to depend on others, with the right amount of encouragement and patience and communication will allow the person to loosen up eventually.

 

So what, they've been flying solo for a number of years? it doesn't mean they're less desirable. More men get more of a bad wrap for being single for a while, and three to four years is NOTHING god I was single for almost 13! I still get out there and date, have sex sometimes and have miniature relationships. Would I be considered a red flag? Most men are just glad I haven't been around and slept with loads of people.

 

I have come to realize I am no less " qualified or experienced" to have a relationship than anyone else, just because I have had less of them. You don't come to a date and arrange it like an interview with a " relationship resume"

 

" So what was the reason why your'e last relationship failed?"... " oh sorry, I was made redundant".

 

Actually in some ways I have more to offer because I have more of myself to give and more of a clean slate, not expecting anything and amazed by everything new and exciting, appreciating the man, because I realize how few and far between they come and what good guys are actually like. I have realized this only in the last few days but it's the biggest revelation yet.

 

Most men are considered bad news if they have been single for a long time but not if they're a woman- this double standard has to change! what's worse is a guy hoping from one relationship to the next. That to me is a red flag!

 

So no, I have realized that there is not such thing as being single for too long, just what have you done in that time of singleness.

 

Sorry to come hard on this but this kind of bull**** needs to be put on blast!

[Buddhist]

lets see, date consisted of a drink, a walk in the park (nothing bad there) and then you can sit there and watch him watch TV. I would have left as soon as he put the TV show on.

[joseb]

OP, regarding the TV,

Did he put the show on immediately, or did something happen that caused him to put it on?

[Versacehottie]

 

And some long term singles have nothing wrong with them other than they're waiting for the right person. I don't think anything could be sexier than that!

 

 

So what, they've been flying solo for a number of years? it doesn't mean they're less desirable. More men get more of a bad wrap for being single for a while, and three to four years is NOTHING god I was single for almost 13! I still get out there and date, have sex sometimes and have miniature relationships. Would I be considered a red flag? Most men are just glad I haven't been around and slept with loads of people.

 

I have come to realize I am no less " qualified or experienced" to have a relationship than anyone else, just because I have had less of them. You don't come to a date and arrange it like an interview with a " relationship resume"

 

" So what was the reason why your'e last relationship failed?"... " oh sorry, I was made redundant".

 

Actually in some ways I have more to offer because I have more of myself to give and more of a clean slate, not expecting anything and amazed by everything new and exciting, appreciating the man, because I realize how few and far between they come and what good guys are actually like. I have realized this only in the last few days but it's the biggest revelation yet.

 

So no, I have realized that there is not such thing as being single for too long, just what have you done in that time of singleness.

 

Sorry to come hard on this but this kind of bull**** needs to be put on blast!

 

Finally! Daisy, you sound like you are getting it. Glad you've taken this stance finally. Now to the next step: it's relevant here because that's what OP's thread is about and you have knowledge to give. But now in general (i noticed in your other thread), it's good to stop talking about it on your dates. It's just as bad to blurt out why you (general you) have been broken up with as it is to keep mentioning that you have been single for so long. When you have an insecurity about it people can usually read it.

 

Glad you offered this perspective to our OP and glad you have come now to this POV. Awesome! Now take it the final step

[Versacehottie]

Thank you for sharing this! I don't know what's up with him, probably more on the picky side. Anyways, he's over me I think, on to the next one!

 

Sorry it turned out like this (if indeed that is what is happening). It sounds like you are handling it well and have a good attitude. It was just the beginning so that's the process of trying people out. His TV type dates is kinda clueless or low effort possibly soooooo maybe you dodged a bullet. Good luck

[Fuerza]

lets see, date consisted of a drink, a walk in the park (nothing bad there) and then you can sit there and watch him watch TV. I would have left as soon as he put the TV show on.

It was tempting really, I was tired at that point and almost fell asleep watching tv. But I didn't want to be rude as he invited me to his house, so decided to just sit it out!

 

OP, regarding the TV,

Did he put the show on immediately, or did something happen that caused him to put it on?

From how I remember it, we walked in his house, he gave me a drink, he went into the living room where I started looking around and pointed out books that I had read took, gave him compliments about the style of his house, he then sat himself down on the couch and put on the TV and started asking what movies I had watched already (he had this list on the TV), at some point I went to the toilet and when I came back he was already watching the movie. Didn't' really understand why, I was like oh okay he chose a movie of his choice and didn't even bother waiting on me when I came back from the toilet to put it on. Ohwell.

 

He might have a huge boner killer for girls that pee

 

Sorry it turned out like this (if indeed that is what is happening). It sounds like you are handling it well and have a good attitude. It was just the beginning so that's the process of trying people out. His TV type dates is kinda clueless or low effort possibly soooooo maybe you dodged a bullet. Good luck

 

I think so, I don't know, he might be dating someone on the side and I'm not in the mood for a man like that. It's rather annoying and childish that this guy just can't be honest about his feelings for me, don't tell me you want to see me again if you don't like me. It's really that simple, says a lot about his character and I want nothing to do with him if he's that type of guy. Agree, maybe I did dodge a bullet! I might call him out on his behavior I'm sick of men like this.

 

I think he's the type of guy that has a check list and I probably didn't tick all of the boxes. Good luck finding one that ticks all of 'em mate.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Fuerza

[Emilia]

From how I remember it, we walked in his house, he gave me a drink, he went into the living room where I started looking around and pointed out books that I had read took, gave him compliments about the style of his house, he then sat himself down on the couch and put on the TV and started asking what movies I had watched already (he had this list on the TV), at some point I went to the toilet and when I came back he was already watching the movie. Didn't' really understand why, I was like oh okay he chose a movie of his choice and didn't even bother waiting on me when I came back from the toilet to put it on. Ohwell.

 

He might have a huge boner killer for girls that pee

That's pretty dull.

 

I'm going with Gravity Man and say that this guy isn't used to having anyone in his life and doesn't really know how to be inclusive. All this 'taking the lead' on everything and being perhaps a bit too dominant can be a sign of not actually knowing any better.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Finally! Daisy, you sound like you are getting it. Glad you've taken this stance finally. Now to the next step: it's relevant here because that's what OP's thread is about and you have knowledge to give. But now in general (i noticed in your other thread), it's good to stop talking about it on your dates. It's just as bad to blurt out why you (general you) have been broken up with as it is to keep mentioning that you have been single for so long. When you have an insecurity about it people can usually read it.

 

Glad you offered this perspective to our OP and glad you have come now to this POV. Awesome! Now take it the final step

 

Applause goes out to Daisy!

 

I think this whole people being faulted for not having as much experience or unattached for a few years is actually a form of projection on the person who say, has been with 50 people in their life time..and they are only 30.

 

While the less experienced has been with 4 or 5. I think there's some sort of guilt by the more morally flexible party and try to spin it around to make the other feel inadequate, when really they just feel bad about sleeping around or having short lived relationships that number into the double digits by a certain age.

 

It's kind of like how a drinker sometimes judges a person for not drinking. I've even heard them say, "I don't trust someone that doesn't drink."

 

This is kind of the equivalent. Kind of a form of reverse judgement.

 

Very sad.

[Gaeta]

I had a really good date but I'm having some mixed feelings. It's only been the first date, but I'm kind of at a loss here trying to figure out if this guy is either selfish or just a really dominant guy OR just has been too long single and doesn't know how not to be alone.

 

Date itself went really well, but there are some things that make me think twice. I usually fall for the narcissistic selfish guy so I'm trying to be cautious and find the red flags if there are any. So help me out here.

 

Examples: date itself, he took the lead all the time, the place where we went for a drink (he did ask first what I wanted to drink tho), to go to the parc, few stores, then went to his place, he put on a tv show he had recorded and saw half of it so we saw the other half of that but he didn't ask if I wanted to (I wanted to get to know him better which was difficult this way).

 

Soooo opinions?

 

I was single from age 40 to 50 and there was nothing wrong with me. There were other things going on in my life like building a career, becoming an owner, raising my teen kid, getting in shape, rebuilding my connection with family that has suffered from previous relationship.

 

Yes he is narcissistic and selfish and no he is not an alpha male. A lot of women mistake narcissism and arrogance with being alpha.

 

If you want to better identify an alpha male then think of a wolf pack. There is only 1 alpha in a wolf pack, the pack leader. The pack leader never barks, argues, acts selfish or arrogant, he does not need to. He leads by his stamina only. He oozes confidence and respectability. All the other wannabes of the pack they bark, growl, act selfish and arrogant because they're trying to hide fear or pretend to be alpha. Apply this to men. Is your guy Alpha? no. He is self-centered, arrogant, inconsiderate, bossy = lack real self confidence. He's a lower rank wolf trying to imitate the pack leader.

 

I wanted to get to know him better which was difficult this way: I think you got to know him a lot. When someone shows you who he is, believe him.

[Jabron1]

If you want to better identify an alpha male then think of a wolf pack. There is only 1 alpha in a wolf pack, the pack leader. The pack leader never barks, argues, acts selfish or arrogant, he does not need to. He leads by his stamina only. He oozes confidence and respectability. All the other wannabes of the pack they bark, growl, act selfish and arrogant because they're trying to hide fear or pretend to be alpha. Apply this to men. Is your guy Alpha? no. He is self-centered, arrogant, inconsiderate, bossy = lack real self confidence. He's a lower rank wolf trying to imitate the pack leader.

 

I'm sorry, Gaeta. You know that I like you

 

Being 'alpha' has absolutely nothing to do with wolves.

 

This isn't a science class. The game has changed in the last few hundred-thousand years. A guy that has little to no social bearing can be an alpha. This isn't about leading a pack at all.

 

A man earning 1 million a year, and who is a business leader can still be a p*ssy whipped beta male.

 

'Respectability' isn't something an alpha prioritizes at all.

 

An alpha male can (and occasionally does) pump and dump 100 women, and not give a sh*t.

 

You are seeing 'alpha' in terms that suit the feminine. Which is understandable, because you are a woman.

 

He was "alpha" alright (from what she said, at least in this instance). They just didn't click - which is fair enough.

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry, Gaeta. You know that I like you

 

Being 'alpha' has absolutely nothing to do with wolves.

 

This isn't a science class. The game has changed in the last few hundred-thousand years. A guy that has little to no social bearing can be an alpha. This isn't about leading a pack at all.

 

A man earning 1 million a year, and who is a business leader can still be a p*ssy whipped beta male.

 

'Respectability' isn't something an alpha prioritizes at all.

 

An alpha male can (and occasionally does) pump and dump 100 women, and not give a sh*t.

 

You are seeing 'alpha' in terms that suit the feminine. Which is understandable, because you are a woman.

 

He was "alpha" alright (from what she said, at least in this instance). They just didn't click - which is fair enough.

 

Here is the definition of an Alpha male. ;-)

 

OP should pay attention to #5, #11, #18, #22, #25.

 

Happy reading.

 

25 Characteristics of an Alpha Male

[Fuerza]

So he ended up responding to my message asking if he wanted to go out, which to he said he had no time that weekend but asked if I was available the next. Which I was so I thought yay. Days go by, he doesn't talk to me doesn't say hi whatever, it's friday and he still hasn't set up plans for the weekend or even asked.

 

I wanted to ask again but didn't want to come off as pushy or thirsty so I let the weekend go by without a date with him.

 

At this point I'm pretty sure he's multidating and just feeling what's out there and just keeping me as some kind of back up plan.

 

So what do I do? Ask him if he's still interested or just ignore him? I really want to ask because I hate "guys" like him and just call him out on his behaviour.

[Versacehottie]

So he ended up responding to my message asking if he wanted to go out, which to he said he had no time that weekend but asked if I was available the next. Which I was so I thought yay. Days go by, he doesn't talk to me doesn't say hi whatever, it's friday and he still hasn't set up plans for the weekend or even asked.

 

I wanted to ask again but didn't want to come off as pushy or thirsty so I let the weekend go by without a date with him.

 

At this point I'm pretty sure he's multidating and just feeling what's out there and just keeping me as some kind of back up plan.

 

So what do I do? Ask him if he's still interested or just ignore him? I really want to ask because I hate "guys" like him and just call him out on his behaviour.

 

So effectively he stood you up is what you are saying right? I know it can be tempting but you need to ask yourself what you want. If you want your self-respect and to see things like they are that's what it is, so I would just ignore. If and when he reaches out to you, you can call him out. If you want to cut your losses and investment, I would advise the less impulsive, harder thing now. Such as, ignoring and focusing your attention elsewhere. Build back your self-esteem. You gave it a shot. But don't waste time on someone who is not reliable (to me, it doesn't mean never waste time on them, just absolutely not now).

 

That's why I say if he comes back in a while and tries to make a date with you or get back in your good graces, call him out at that time from a place of self-respect (that you will have gained by not chasing him) and don't make it "easy" for him, calmly ask "why you should/what's different now". I don't want to give you false hope though--if this is just the first couple of dates, he's probably just disappearing or trying to keep you on the back burner. Don't fall for it--imagining you are like the majority of girls who want to be dating/someone's gf not back-burning it! Takes a big toll on self-esteem, even if you convince yourself you are fine with it, to allow yourself to be mistreated. Clear this guy off your decks so you can leave your heart open for someone else. Good luck!

[Fuerza]

So effectively he stood you up is what you are saying right? I know it can be tempting but you need to ask yourself what you want. If you want your self-respect and to see things like they are that's what it is, so I would just ignore. If and when he reaches out to you, you can call him out. If you want to cut your losses and investment, I would advise the less impulsive, harder thing now. Such as, ignoring and focusing your attention elsewhere. Build back your self-esteem. You gave it a shot. But don't waste time on someone who is not reliable (to me, it doesn't mean never waste time on them, just absolutely not now).

 

That's why I say if he comes back in a while and tries to make a date with you or get back in your good graces, call him out at that time from a place of self-respect (that you will have gained by not chasing him) and don't make it "easy" for him, calmly ask "why you should/what's different now". I don't want to give you false hope though--if this is just the first couple of dates, he's probably just disappearing or trying to keep you on the back burner. Don't fall for it--imagining you are like the majority of girls who want to be dating/someone's gf not back-burning it! Takes a big toll on self-esteem, even if you convince yourself you are fine with it, to allow yourself to be mistreated. Clear this guy off your decks so you can leave your heart open for someone else. Good luck!

 

Basically yes, I ended up confronting him with it just asking 'weren't we going to meet up past weekend?'. He claims he forgot about it, which is bull**** ofcourse. Reason enough to not talk to him anymore, if he doesn't even have the balls to tell me he doesn't want to date then goodbye.

 

Yeah agree, it really does just because I keep myself asking what on earth I did wrong I just don't get it. I know I'm not the hottest most attractive person on this planet but personality wise I have a lot to offer. Ohwell thanks for your advise, he's cleared from my deck!

[joseb]

Basically yes, I ended up confronting him with it just asking 'weren't we going to meet up past weekend?'. He claims he forgot about it, which is bull**** ofcourse. Reason enough to not talk to him anymore, if he doesn't even have the balls to tell me he doesn't want to date then goodbye.

 

Yeah agree, it really does just because I keep myself asking what on earth I did wrong I just don't get it. I know I'm not the hottest most attractive person on this planet but personality wise I have a lot to offer. Ohwell thanks for your advise, he's cleared from my deck!

 

What makes you think you did something wrong?

 

Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone clicks.

Tbh, this guy sounds a bit odd anyway.

 

Even if he did 'forget' it just means he isn;t interested anyway, so you need to move on.

[elaine567]

I had a really good date but I'm having some mixed feelings. It's only been the first date, but I'm kind of at a loss here trying to figure out if this guy is either selfish or just a really dominant guy OR just has been too long single and doesn't know how not to be alone.

 

Date itself went really well, but there are some things that make me think twice. I usually fall for the narcissistic selfish guy so I'm trying to be cautious and find the red flags if there are any. So help me out here.

 

Examples: date itself, he took the lead all the time, the place where we went for a drink (he did ask first what I wanted to drink tho), to go to the parc, few stores, then went to his place, he put on a tv show he had recorded and saw half of it so we saw the other half of that but he didn't ask if I wanted to (I wanted to get to know him better which was difficult this way).

 

Soooo opinions?

 

Sounds like he just did what he was going to to do anyway with you tagging along. He lost interest in you pretty quick, in my view, and then proceeded to watch a whole lot of TV, like a teenager and basically ignored you.

If this is being an Alpha, then I despair for the state of the human race.

YOU wrote a story in your head about a guy who wasn't interested, pursued him under the impression he was an Alpha playing a cool game, but he still wasn't interested...

[Fuerza]

What makes you think you did something wrong?

 

Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone clicks.

Tbh, this guy sounds a bit odd anyway.

 

Even if he did 'forget' it just means he isn;t interested anyway, so you need to move on.

 

Yeah agree! It's funny because on Facebook he keeps complaining about being single and his weird Tinder adventures but he won't take a look in the mirror and ask himself why all his dates are failing.

 

Sounds like he just did what he was going to to do anyway with you tagging along. He lost interest in you pretty quick, in my view, and then proceeded to watch a whole lot of TV, like a teenager and basically ignored you.

If this is being an Alpha, then I despair for the state of the human race.

YOU wrote a story in your head about a guy who wasn't interested, pursued him under the impression he was an Alpha playing a cool game, but he still wasn't interested...

 

That's the thing, why did he ask me on a second date if he wasn't interested? He could have just said his goodbyes and move on, but instead he asked if I wanted to meet up again when the date ended. That's what confuses me.

[Jabron1]

So what do I do?

 

He isn't really interested, love. And he's being unfair with you.

 

If he contacts you again, completely ignore it.

 

That's the thing, why did he ask me on a second date if he wasn't interested?

 

The real answer is this: who cares? Next.

Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator