Fuerza Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I had a really good date but I'm having some mixed feelings. It's only been the first date, but I'm kind of at a loss here trying to figure out if this guy is either selfish or just a really dominant guy OR just has been too long single and doesn't know how not to be alone. Date itself went really well, but there are some things that make me think twice. I usually fall for the narcissistic selfish guy so I'm trying to be cautious and find the red flags if there are any. So help me out here. Examples: date itself, he took the lead all the time, the place where we went for a drink (he did ask first what I wanted to drink tho), to go to the parc, few stores, then went to his place, he put on a tv show he had recorded and saw half of it so we saw the other half of that but he didn't ask if I wanted to (I wanted to get to know him better which was difficult this way). Soooo opinions?
Jabron1 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Alpha. Did he give you much attention during the date though? Doesn't sound like he even made a move. There is such a thing as too aloof
AMJ Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yeah but an alpha can still be considerate. The only thing that bugs me about that date is the TV show. Watching a TV show on a first date? He's so addicted to his show that he couldn't wait to watch it another night? And you only got to watch the second half of it, that's kinda weird. Watching TV on a first date isn't that fun/special. That's a little selfish IMO. 3
Author Fuerza Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Alpha. Did he give you much attention during the date though? Doesn't sound like he even made a move. There is such a thing as too aloof He's definitely a alpha, just the way he carries himself, very secure about himself and leading. He avoided eye contact at the beginning of the date though. Attention as in he picked me up from the station, kept the conversation going, was very interested in me, paid for drinks, at his place he kept asking if I wanted something else to drink etc. Just the usual! The only move he made was a kiss on the cheek and ask for a second date... I'm pretty reserved too though so if he's like that too... I don't know maybe he's taking it slow?
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Follow your gut.......this guy fails. Break your pattern and move on. 2
Jabron1 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 He's definitely a alpha, just the way he carries himself, very secure about himself and leading. He avoided eye contact at the beginning of the date though. Attention as in he picked me up from the station, kept the conversation going, was very interested in me, paid for drinks, at his place he kept asking if I wanted something else to drink etc. Just the usual! The only move he made was a kiss on the cheek and ask for a second date... I'm pretty reserved too though so if he's like that too... I don't know maybe he's taking it slow? Takes one to know one There are alpha guys that act a bit 'rough around the edges' with women though (my brother is like that). This could be one of them - I'm picking up that sort of vibe. It's one thing to be alpha, and another thing to be clever sexually (believe it or not). I suggest giving him at least one or two more dates. Yeah but an alpha can still be considerate. The only thing that bugs me about that date is the TV show. Watching a TV show on a first date? He's so addicted to his show that he couldn't wait to watch it another night? And you only got to watch the second half of it, that's kinda weird. Watching TV on a first date isn't that fun/special. That's a little selfish IMO. It's the sort of thing that I did as a teenager lol. I learnt better. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with this guy at all. And I think he's deserving of more time. It certainly sounds like he's interested in you, and is being decent enough. Go and read the problem threads in the dating section here. Those are real problems. There really isn't any problem here. Give him more time Not much to lose in a couple more dates.
TheFinalWord Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yeah but an alpha can still be considerate. The only thing that bugs me about that date is the TV show. Watching a TV show on a first date? He's so addicted to his show that he couldn't wait to watch it another night? And you only got to watch the second half of it, that's kinda weird. Watching TV on a first date isn't that fun/special. That's a little selfish IMO. Was it GOT? Sorry if that was the show it takes precedence over any new woman... 1
Conviction Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I don't know, you may be over thinking this. Is it possible that he did all of that simply to take charge and not turn it into "what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" As a guy, it's always advised to have a plan on the first date. FWIW, the TV thing was a bit much, but again may have just been trying to avoid things going stale. I wouldn't bail just yet, give it a chance and see if anymore controlling behaviors surface.
Author Fuerza Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Takes one to know one There are alpha guys that act a bit 'rough around the edges' with women though (my brother is like that). This could be one of them - I'm picking up that sort of vibe. It's one thing to be alpha, and another thing to be clever sexually (believe it or not). I suggest giving him at least one or two more dates. It's the sort of thing that I did as a teenager lol. I learnt better. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with this guy at all. And I think he's deserving of more time. It certainly sounds like he's interested in you, and is being decent enough. Go and read the problem threads in the dating section here. Those are real problems. There really isn't any problem here. Give him more time Not much to lose in a couple more dates. Thanks, nice to hear different opinions on here! I'm just careful really, don't want to get in another relationship with a controlling guy. Thanks for the advice, will definitely go on another date with him! Was it GOT? Sorry if that was the show it takes precedence over any new woman... Haha good one, nope it wasn't! If it was GOT I would have made him play it back so I could have watched it from the beginning I don't know, you may be over thinking this. Is it possible that he did all of that simply to take charge and not turn it into "what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" As a guy, it's always advised to have a plan on the first date. FWIW, the TV thing was a bit much, but again may have just been trying to avoid things going stale. I wouldn't bail just yet, give it a chance and see if anymore controlling behaviors surface. Good point! I guess it's nice he actually had a plan, better then the dates I've had that let it all up to me. On to the next date it is! 1
Versacehottie Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yeah but an alpha can still be considerate. The only thing that bugs me about that date is the TV show. Watching a TV show on a first date? He's so addicted to his show that he couldn't wait to watch it another night? And you only got to watch the second half of it, that's kinda weird. Watching TV on a first date isn't that fun/special. That's a little selfish IMO. Yes especially since it sounds like they picked up where he left off, ie not even the beginning of the show, so she could see it beginning to end. Also most shows are part of a series in the way that, unless it was episode one, it might be hard to follow for his date, the OP. AND importantly, TV is a poor substitute for a good date activity, especially a first date. I can see it if, for example, both were huge game of thrones fans and had bonded previously over the show and wanted to watch it together--that makes some sense. This is the only thing that stuck out about your date that I noticed. The rest seems normal and in context if he was looking out for you, making sure you had a good time, take it as that. *just a word of caution, I think even if you've had bad experiences with a previous bf (or gf), it's wise to go into a new dating experience with a clean slate. You should always have your eyes wide open but give each new person a clean slate--not make them pay for past people you've encountered. Rely on your instincts. IMO, you can't deduce the entirety of who this new guy is from one sign (such as the TV watching). There can be enough of a "tone" or vibe of a date to decide he's not for you just based on not really matching or being in tune with him. I think you would have told us more "negative" details if they existed. In other words though, if you had fun and like spending time with him, go again. You should always keep your eyes open--to ask yourself at every step of the way if the person is right for you, makes you happy and is worthy of continuing to see (not in an overly analytic way--just putting your needs first and never jumping so far into the FUTURE OR THE PAST--make sense?) 2
Author Fuerza Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Yeah but an alpha can still be considerate. The only thing that bugs me about that date is the TV show. Watching a TV show on a first date? He's so addicted to his show that he couldn't wait to watch it another night? And you only got to watch the second half of it, that's kinda weird. Watching TV on a first date isn't that fun/special. That's a little selfish IMO. Well it bugged me too, I wanted to use that time to just sit on the couch and get to know each other. From what I'm gathering he really likes movies/tv shows (which I do too), when he asked me for a second date it was more like 'so maybe we could go to the movies next week, movie X is going to be out by then' (genre that I like tho). But! I'm not really in the mood to sit in the movie theater on a second date so I have to see how I change those plans lol. Yes especially since it sounds like they picked up where he left off, ie not even the beginning of the show, so she could see it beginning to end. Also most shows are part of a series in the way that, unless it was episode one, it might be hard to follow for his date, the OP. AND importantly, TV is a poor substitute for a good date activity, especially a first date. I can see it if, for example, both were huge game of thrones fans and had bonded previously over the show and wanted to watch it together--that makes some sense. This is the only thing that stuck out about your date that I noticed. The rest seems normal and in context if he was looking out for you, making sure you had a good time, take it as that. *just a word of caution, I think even if you've had bad experiences with a previous bf (or gf), it's wise to go into a new dating experience with a clean slate. You should always have your eyes wide open but give each new person a clean slate--not make them pay for past people you've encountered. Rely on your instincts. IMO, you can't deduce the entirety of who this new guy is from one sign (such as the TV watching). There can be enough of a "tone" or vibe of a date to decide he's not for you just based on not really matching or being in tune with him. I think you would have told us more "negative" details if they existed. In other words though, if you had fun and like spending time with him, go again. You should always keep your eyes open--to ask yourself at every step of the way if the person is right for you, makes you happy and is worthy of continuing to see (not in an overly analytic way--just putting your needs first and never jumping so far into the FUTURE OR THE PAST--make sense?) It's the thing that stuck out for me too, I might just be overthinking this really but I'm just careful I guess. Thanks a lot for your words of wisdom btw! I definitely try to keep an open mind but also try to protect my heart I guess and be at the lookout for any red flags. I definitely had fun with him, he's an interesting guy and I definitely want to get to know him better. 1
burnt Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 he put on a tv show he had recorded and saw half of it so we saw the other half of that but he didn't ask if I wanted to That's really rude. And especially on a first date?! 1
joseb Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Well it bugged me too, I wanted to use that time to just sit on the couch and get to know each other. Do you mean you wanted him to be more physical? I'm surprised if he's alpha that although he managed to get you back to his place on the first date, you two were on the couch and he doesn't make a move. I think the rest of the date sounds ok, agree it's odd that he watched a half watched tv show though. I'd go on one more date and see what happens.
AMJ Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Hmm now it sounds like he just wants a TV/movie watching buddy. Some guys are like that. It is odd he didn't make a move if he got you on his couch on the first date.
TheBathWater Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I had a really good date but I'm having some mixed feelings. It's only been the first date, but I'm kind of at a loss here trying to figure out if this guy is either selfish or just a really dominant guy OR just has been too long single and doesn't know how not to be alone. Date itself went really well, but there are some things that make me think twice. I usually fall for the narcissistic selfish guy so I'm trying to be cautious and find the red flags if there are any. So help me out here. Examples: date itself, he took the lead all the time, the place where we went for a drink (he did ask first what I wanted to drink tho), to go to the parc, few stores, then went to his place, he put on a tv show he had recorded and saw half of it so we saw the other half of that but he didn't ask if I wanted to (I wanted to get to know him better which was difficult this way). Soooo opinions? This guy sounds JUST like an old friend of mine. He has women meet him at a cafe on a popular strip, then walks them around to different shops and the park, sometimes brings them to his place and then ends dates very easy without much physical contact in order to build a lot of trust/tension that he had the chance to pounce on you and did nothing with you (to demonstrate restraint and create some confusion). On the next date, he makes his move quite strong. I'm not kidding. Where do you live? This doesn't sound like the same guy though (but funny if it is). I'd go with what joseb said above. Just go on one more date at least to see how that goes. I think we all think WAY too much about what is supposed to be a very natural and organic process. This forum doesn't help at all with that. If you're looking for a connection and think there could be something there, don't get cold feet so soon.
Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I think we all think WAY too much about what is supposed to be a very natural and organic process. This forum doesn't help at all with that. If you're looking for a connection and think there could be something there, don't get cold feet so soon. I agree, good point TiTB!
Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Well it bugged me too, I wanted to use that time to just sit on the couch and get to know each other. From what I'm gathering he really likes movies/tv shows (which I do too), when he asked me for a second date it was more like 'so maybe we could go to the movies next week, movie X is going to be out by then' (genre that I like tho). But! I'm not really in the mood to sit in the movie theater on a second date so I have to see how I change those plans lol. It's the thing that stuck out for me too, I might just be overthinking this really but I'm just careful I guess. Thanks a lot for your words of wisdom btw! I definitely try to keep an open mind but also try to protect my heart I guess and be at the lookout for any red flags. I definitely had fun with him, he's an interesting guy and I definitely want to get to know him better. Thank you. I agree with Tuna--i think if people have a shred of doubt or past hurt and come to ask for opinions either here or of friends, it can be a minefield of confusion. One of the most important things you can learn in life is to trust your instincts/yourself. A lot of times if you are "unsure" it's because you don't have enough info yet or need to ask the other person so you have enough info. I'm going to guess that he's a bit naive or like a bit unexperienced in some ways. I think he's happy that you like some of the same things he does (movies and tv), gets overexcited to share it with you and interprets it that you would ALSO find these acceptable first dates. I wonder if you did two things on the next date, ie the movie and something you would find interesting where you could get to know him if it would be fine? He wouldn't be the first guy, lol! Anyway, you do have to speak up if you want him to incorporate activities that would allow you to get to know him--or avoid setting a pattern that is one you wouldn't be comfortable with, ie watching TV with him rather than real dates. You can do this in a nice, light, fun way and I would say that is best. If he is trying to please you, he might be sensitive about you saying you'd rather do something else. Bottom line, it's better to err on the side of taking his feelings into consideration and assume best motives and then use your intuition to guide you to make the decisions about whether to continue or what type of person he is. You are still getting to know him--and he, you--so there's that. Good luck
Author Fuerza Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) Do you mean you wanted him to be more physical? I'm surprised if he's alpha that although he managed to get you back to his place on the first date, you two were on the couch and he doesn't make a move. I think the rest of the date sounds ok, agree it's odd that he watched a half watched tv show though. I'd go on one more date and see what happens. That's what makes me wonder too, you'd think for an alpha guy he'd make a move faster on me but he didn't. Makes me wonder if he likes me or just sees me as a possible future friend as we have a lot in common. Future will tell! As far as the physical part, it would have been nice yes, I was attracted to him and kind of wanted to jump him haha but I like to take things slow too on the other hand so I'm glad he didn't. Hmm now it sounds like he just wants a TV/movie watching buddy. Some guys are like that. It is odd he didn't make a move if he got you on his couch on the first date. Yeah been thinking about that too or maybe he wanted to take things slow and not immediately make a move on me as I was in his place for the first time. This guy sounds JUST like an old friend of mine. He has women meet him at a cafe on a popular strip, then walks them around to different shops and the park, sometimes brings them to his place and then ends dates very easy without much physical contact in order to build a lot of trust/tension that he had the chance to pounce on you and did nothing with you (to demonstrate restraint and create some confusion). On the next date, he makes his move quite strong. I'm not kidding. Where do you live? This doesn't sound like the same guy though (but funny if it is). I'd go with what joseb said above. Just go on one more date at least to see how that goes. I think we all think WAY too much about what is supposed to be a very natural and organic process. This forum doesn't help at all with that. If you're looking for a connection and think there could be something there, don't get cold feet so soon. Haha funny that you know a guy like that, definitely not the same guy though we're not in the same country! I'll let you know what he does on the second date! I'm definitely going on a second date with him, as long as I'm having fun why not. But good point, I second guess things quite a lot, we'll see what the second date brings! Thank you. I agree with Tuna--i think if people have a shred of doubt or past hurt and come to ask for opinions either here or of friends, it can be a minefield of confusion. One of the most important things you can learn in life is to trust your instincts/yourself. A lot of times if you are "unsure" it's because you don't have enough info yet or need to ask the other person so you have enough info. I'm going to guess that he's a bit naive or like a bit unexperienced in some ways. I think he's happy that you like some of the same things he does (movies and tv), gets overexcited to share it with you and interprets it that you would ALSO find these acceptable first dates. I wonder if you did two things on the next date, ie the movie and something you would find interesting where you could get to know him if it would be fine? He wouldn't be the first guy, lol! Anyway, you do have to speak up if you want him to incorporate activities that would allow you to get to know him--or avoid setting a pattern that is one you wouldn't be comfortable with, ie watching TV with him rather than real dates. You can do this in a nice, light, fun way and I would say that is best. If he is trying to please you, he might be sensitive about you saying you'd rather do something else. Bottom line, it's better to err on the side of taking his feelings into consideration and assume best motives and then use your intuition to guide you to make the decisions about whether to continue or what type of person he is. You are still getting to know him--and he, you--so there's that. Good luck I've been thinking about sending him a message and asking him how he felt about the first date, but on the other hand he thanked me and said he enjoyed himself when the date had ended. I personally think he feels confused too, he likes the fact we have things in common but other then that we need more dates to get to know each other. I think it's best to just wait now and see what the second date (and future dates hopefully) brings. Good point! Going to try to arrange dinner or something else before the movies and see what he says. Thanks for your advise appreciate it, great points! Edited May 24, 2016 by Fuerza
SilverAccount Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I think you are overthinking this, he's an Alpha for sure, guys who have a natural confidence is a good thing, go on another date I say, but if mixed emotions are still there then move on before you get deeper.
Author Fuerza Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 I think you are overthinking this, he's an Alpha for sure, guys who have a natural confidence is a good thing, go on another date I say, but if mixed emotions are still there then move on before you get deeper. Looks like he's not interested anymore, day after the date he wasn't initiating the conversation anymore, let alone keep the convo going. Asked him yesterday if he's interested to meet up again and still no response. I don't get it really, this is my 3d date where they all say they enjoyed the date and want to meet up again but then the days after the date they just go missing. There goes my confidence.
Dork Vader Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Being single to long can be a red flag. I was basically single from 18-32 aside from a few 2-3 relationship things and one that almost made it 6 months. Needless to say I was single because I had issues. I was unmedicated for OCD. I was using Alcohol to self medicate for the OCD. I also had a growing gambling problem. There was a reason I was single, it's easy for me to see now but at the time it was difficult to see. That does not mean this guy has issues like that, but it is a possibility. Perhaps he is just an aloof type of person. Perhaps he is shy or picky or something a long those lines. Yes it can take people who have been single a while to adjust to having someone in their life. Staying the night and sharing a space with someone can difficult and an adjustment. My advice is be patient as long as you are seeing him make progress be happy. He might need some encouragement though. If you want to get to know him, then let him know you're not interested in watching TV. A great way to get to know someone is play board games or card games.. They can be fun flirty and lead to conversations. 1
Larryville Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Just gonna throw this out there ladies… saw this am while browsing my coffee reads... 20 Red Flags Men Display That You’ll Wish You Paid Attention To Sooner 20 Red Flags Men Display That You?ll Wish You Paid Attention To Sooner | Thought Catalog 1
Author Fuerza Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 Being single to long can be a red flag. I was basically single from 18-32 aside from a few 2-3 relationship things and one that almost made it 6 months. Needless to say I was single because I had issues. I was unmedicated for OCD. I was using Alcohol to self medicate for the OCD. I also had a growing gambling problem. There was a reason I was single, it's easy for me to see now but at the time it was difficult to see. That does not mean this guy has issues like that, but it is a possibility. Perhaps he is just an aloof type of person. Perhaps he is shy or picky or something a long those lines. Yes it can take people who have been single a while to adjust to having someone in their life. Staying the night and sharing a space with someone can difficult and an adjustment. My advice is be patient as long as you are seeing him make progress be happy. He might need some encouragement though. If you want to get to know him, then let him know you're not interested in watching TV. A great way to get to know someone is play board games or card games.. They can be fun flirty and lead to conversations. Thank you for sharing this! I don't know what's up with him, probably more on the picky side. Anyways, he's over me I think, on to the next one!
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 How long has he been single? I don't think it's a case of not knowing how to act... he just seems a bit odd. And maybe you want to address the " I usually fall for the narcissistic types" that's a pattern and those patterns usually need lots of counselling before you can end them and start to date healthy people.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 Being single to long can be a red flag. I was basically single from 18-32 aside from a few 2-3 relationship things and one that almost made it 6 months. Needless to say I was single because I had issues. I was unmedicated for OCD. I was using Alcohol to self medicate for the OCD. I also had a growing gambling problem. There was a reason I was single, it's easy for me to see now but at the time it was difficult to see. That does not mean this guy has issues like that, but it is a possibility. Perhaps he is just an aloof type of person. Perhaps he is shy or picky or something a long those lines. Yes it can take people who have been single a while to adjust to having someone in their life. Staying the night and sharing a space with someone can difficult and an adjustment. My advice is be patient as long as you are seeing him make progress be happy. He might need some encouragement though. If you want to get to know him, then let him know you're not interested in watching TV. A great way to get to know someone is play board games or card games.. They can be fun flirty and lead to conversations. Hahahaha it's always considered a red flag if a guy has been single for too long but never for a girl ( double standard perhaps?). I was single for 12 and a half years even though I did have a boyfriend for two months but I don't think that really counts. I date consistently over and over and over again. It's not a red flag hun if you make use of your opportunities. I do agree the adjustment period will be longer, but then what's the rush? if you're getting to know someone you want someone to go slow, good things take time. So no, being single for a long time is not a red flag, I use to believe it and feel so insecure about my single status but I have had a lot of time to build my confidence. I honestly think the dude just sounds a bit strange that's all. 1
Recommended Posts