Terry8889 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) Hi, yesterday my bf and I went out biking. I noticed my back tire needed air so we biked to his house bc he had a pump there. He was adding air when he was like uh oh... I said what happened he said idk seems like the tire just blew out. He tried adding more air but it wasn't even adding anymore. Anyways he immediately called a bike shop to get it fixed. We went to the place the guy there said he didn't see a problem with the tube but if we wanted to replace it just in case we could. I never had any issues with that tire before so I said let's keep the tube why replace it if there's nothing wrong with it but my bf insisted it was better to get a new one. Ok so we got a new one and I thought he would pay for it since he blew it out. But when the time to pay came he did took his wallet out but kept looking at me as if he was expecting me to pay so I felt bad and in matter of seconds I immediately took my card out and paid and he was like oh ok. It kinda made me upset bc it was his fault the tire was now completely flat but in the other hand he was just trying to help me and the bike is mine. It bothered me but I was not angry either. I just now wonder how he would respond to situations in a more serious relationship like wedding expenses, household expenses, children expenses idk. I do pay for my own stuff like 99% of the time but he is the man in the relationship it would be nice if he would step in to pay the bill once in a while. Idk if cultural differences play a role bc I am Hispanic and he is white. In Latin America the man is the provider. I don't want him to provide everything for me bc I work and have my own stuff but I would like him to make me feel especially once in a while. What do you people think, I'd appreciate your opinions and thoughts. Edited May 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 It is your bike and you are stretching to think he caused your flat. And what does your races have to do with this?
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 You want 1 thing but you're sending a message you want another. You just had to let him pay then after you thank him graciously and tell him how you appreciate he took care of this. Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't know on what foot do dance. On one hand he wanted to help you but because you've always paid before he was not sure if it was the right thing to do, that's why he was looking at you. Before getting married you do address who pays what and how money is handled. You certainly do not go into a marriage with your fingers crossed hoping he'll be a good provider.
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 It is your bike and you are stretching to think he caused your flat. And what does your races have to do with this? She didn't say race, she said cultural differences. Those do exist and come into play in relationships.
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 She didn't say race, she said cultural differences. Those do exist and come into play in relationships. Point taken.
GemmaUK Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I think the payment for the tyre was your responsibility. You chose to let him pump the tyre on your bike. You could have done this yourself. You didn't appear to argue getting it checked out. It was checked out and you were told it was perfectly OK. He insisted upon a new tyre - you didn't appear to have an issue with that. End of the day it's your bike so why did you not exert your own choices? Use your voice next time, be more assertive and buy your own bike pump so you can sort tyre issues out yourself. 1
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I think the payment for the tyre was your responsibility. You chose to let him pump the tyre on your bike. You could have done this yourself. You didn't appear to argue getting it checked out. It was checked out and you were told it was perfectly OK. He insisted upon a new tyre - you didn't appear to have an issue with that. End of the day it's your bike so why did you not exert your own choices? Use your voice next time, be more assertive and buy your own bike pump so you can sort tyre issues out yourself. I feel whether it's her responsibility or not she would have liked her boyfriend to take care of her broken wheel as a nice gesture toward her. In her culture it means that her man takes good care of her and he is a good candidate for long term. He could have paid for her wheel just like he pays her a dinner out. It's exhausting when everything has to be cut in the middle in a relationship. I understand OP. 1
Mikau Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I have no problems paying for dates, gifts, groceries, whatever. But if I'm fixing your bike for you you'd better expect I'm not going to pay for parts. You're asking him the favour of fixing your bike and then also expect him to pay for it? I'd say that's too far. But I'm from one of the least traditional parts of the world, so I guess we'd suffer from the same cultural differences.
GemmaUK Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I feel whether it's her responsibility or not she would have liked her boyfriend to take care of her broken wheel as a nice gesture toward her. In her culture it means that her man takes good care of her and he is a good candidate for long term. He could have paid for her wheel just like he pays her a dinner out. It's exhausting when everything has to be cut in the middle in a relationship. I understand OP. In the same light if the roof fell of my house after he had tried to refit a few tiles then I would hope for help/advice from my man which I could choose to go with or not but I wouldn't expect him to pay for a new roof. It's not his responsibility. It's my house. I very much doubt he overblew the tyre on purpose but it's still her choice - the guy in the repair shop said it was fine - she didn't need to buy a new one but more importantly she didn't need to get one just because her bf insisted. I'm assuming the OP i a grown woman so can make her own choices). 1
Larryville Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 No cultural differences should not make a difference in a cohesive relationship and partnership. I just now wonder how he would respond to situations in a more serious relationship like wedding expenses, household expenses, children expenses idk. I do pay for my own stuff like 99% of the time but he is the man in the relationship it would be nice if he would step in to pay the bill once in a while. Idk if cultural differences play a role bc I am Hispanic and he is white. In Latin America the man is the provider. So, this is NOT Latin America... You should already have a general sense of how he would respond “paying” already. As far as I’m concerned if dude was really into “taking care” of you in a meaningful way dude would have just paid, unless he is strapped for cash. But again the inquiry about the “cultural differences” just bugs me unless it is a far bigger issue in your family. Where would that even come from? I have never dated anyone where I was processing cultural differences and frankly if you are you should not be dating in the first place... will also add and sorry for the bluntness but did you date this white dude simply because you assumed he would be this good "provider?"
pteromom Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 The problem I have is that you were going to just FIX the tire, and he insisted on buying a new one - therefore insisting that you pay more of your money to fix the problem. When he insisted on spending more money, he was insisting on spending more of YOUR money - and yes, that would be a turnoff. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 If I was your BF I'd be incredibly turned off by the fact that you expected me to pay for your bike. Married people do share expenses. Dating couples treat each other but this expense was above & beyond. Your bike is your responsibility. 2
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 How much did it cost ..$15? He wanted her to have a new tire when it was not necessary so I say it was his job to pay for it. When I was dating my ex he would often put new stuff on my car. He'd change filter and stuff because he cared for my safety and he never wanted me to pay him back. 2
rester Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I have no problems paying for dates, gifts, groceries, whatever. But if I'm fixing your bike for you you'd better expect I'm not going to pay for parts. ^^ I agree with this. ^^ I think it's poor form on the OP's part to not offer up to pay right away and expecting her boyfriend to pay for it. Her bike, her responsibility. If she didn't want it fixed, she should have spoken up about it. That said, the expense here is only about US$5, plus US$10 labor. It wouldn't have bothered me to pay for this, either. Not something I would consider making an issue out of. 1
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 No cultural differences should not make a difference in a cohesive relationship and partnership. In a perfect world ok. Have you got experience with dating outside your culture? I do. Cultural differences are real and not about to go away.
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 The problem I have is that you were going to just FIX the tire, and he insisted on buying a new one - therefore insisting that you pay more of your money to fix the problem. When he insisted on spending more money, he was insisting on spending more of YOUR money - and yes, that would be a turnoff. Yes, he acted like the man she would respect by taking charge and telling her to get a new tyre (machismo - he was concerned for her safety he was protecting her), but then he left her to pay for it and for that she didn't respect him. It is a cultural thing.
Emilia Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Well it's my bike so it's my decision if I'm getting a new tire and I pay for it if I choose to buy a new tire. I certainly can't remember the last time a man made a decision for me on what to or not to buy. 2
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Well it's my bike so it's my decision if I'm getting a new tire and I pay for it if I choose to buy a new tire. I certainly can't remember the last time a man made a decision for me on what to or not to buy. This is not about making decision for her. He spoke his concern. He said to her it would be best to change it anyway. She was free to take his advice or not. You're trying to make this something that it's not.
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yes, he acted like the man she would respect by taking charge and telling her to get a new tyre (machismo - he was concerned for her safety he was protecting her), but then he left her to pay for it and for that she didn't respect him. It is a cultural thing. Did he really left her paying for it? He took his wallet out...she stopped him
Emilia Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 This is not about making decision for her. He spoke his concern. He said to her it would be best to change it anyway. She was free to take his advice or not. You're trying to make this something that it's not. Huh? I will not have my posts policed by you, thank you very much! Your views don't count more than mine and you misunderstood my point. My point is that the OP should make decisions for herself and pay based on that. She could have said no and not buy a new tire. The guy has nothing to do with it.
Larryville Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Have you got experience with dating outside your culture? I do. Cultural differences are real and not about to go away. Almost everybody I have ever dated and two marriages were “outside of my culture” My aunt had a saying that way to many people are “color struck” meaning they specifically go after people of a “specific culture or color” because of stereotypes good and bad. (Money, lifestyle, attitudes) If you are raised in an open household where you were opened to other colors, cultures, races whatever you are less likely to focus on this stuff. This culture this is just like people starting post here saying “I met someone on Tinder” like I guess that is supposed to make a difference, I’m like who cares where or how you met because it will all eventually boil down to basic human traits. Well it's my bike so it's my decision if I'm getting a new tire and I pay for it if I choose to buy a new tire. I certainly can't remember the last time a man made a decision for me on what to or not to buy. Exactly in this day, frankly I’m not dating a woman who can’t make this type of decision. Yes, he acted like the man she would respect by taking charge and telling her to get a new tyre (machismo - he was concerned for her safety he was protecting her), but then he left her to pay for it and for that she didn't respect him. It is a cultural thing. Ok, I get that but if that is the case of “lack of respect” then end this now because once you lose respect in a relationship the relationship is toast, he will never be able to win that back.
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Almost everybody I have ever dated and two marriages were “outside of my culture” My aunt had a saying that way to many people are “color struck” meaning they specifically go after people of a “specific culture or color” because of stereotypes good and bad. (Money, lifestyle, attitudes) If you are raised in an open household where you were opened to other colors, cultures, races whatever you are less likely to focus on this stuff. This culture this is just like people starting post here saying “I met someone on Tinder” like I guess that is supposed to make a difference, I’m like who cares where or how you met because it will all eventually boil down to basic human traits. If you date people outside your culture but have been born or raised in your country it's different. I am dating someone who was born and raised in a European country. He has only been in Canada for 2 years. Let me tell you our cultural differences are still tangible EVEN if we were both raised in a western country. Why not ask OP about those cultural differences instead of saying they should not exist? About asking her how long she has been living in this country, how tradition was she raised, etc. Instead of brushing aside the culture card because it's politically incorrect to point cultural differences. 1
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Huh? I will not have my posts policed by you, thank you very much! Your views don't count more than mine and you misunderstood my point. My point is that the OP should make decisions for herself and pay based on that. She could have said no and not buy a new tire. The guy has nothing to do with it. I was not policing you. You talk as if he made the decision for her. He didn't. He insisted but the decision was hers.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 A few months into my current relationship, I got a ticket while parked along the street outside bf's home. There were NO "no parking" signs posted or a red curb..it was just that I had parked within 15 ft. of a fire hydrant. Yes, my fault. Still, I bristled at the fact that my bf didn't offer to pay. I was thinking the same thing as you, OP...that my bf might be cheap and not interested in taking care of his women. I was wrong. He turned out to be the most generous man I've ever been with. When my one of car tires popped recently..he actually purchased me 2 tires and changed it himself too. While you shouldn't expect your bf to pay.. I understand that the gesture would have gone a long way. Still, if most everything else about the relationship is positive, continue buildling your bond and see how else he shows his care and love for you. Don't make a big deal about the tire situation bc there's no justification as to why he should have paid. Think about how else he shows his love to you.... 2
Larryville Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I am dating someone who was born and raised in a European country. He has only been in Canada for 2 years. Let me tell you our cultural differences are still tangible EVEN if we were both raised in a western country. Ok I don’t know when the gap closes because I have dated 3 women who were not born in the US, all came to this country (mid-teens) If I remember but even after being in US for almost all of their adult life were very culturally grounded, still with the heavy accents. Why not ask OP about those cultural differences instead of saying they should not exist? I get that and not saying it should not exist or is a horrible thing, but she brought it up. I was raised in California and exposed to a multitude of "cultures" and I typically am in tuned with those differences, I also work on a college campus and see and deal with these issues too so I'm not ignorant to those differences. Maybe I’m different or weird I personally don’t give a damn nor do I adjust my thinking or behavior basing it on the skin color or culture of the person I am dating this is especially why the education of who I am dating is important. More open minded frankly they are not dating me because of my color, race, culture or despite it. I get what you are saying, I don’t know her asking about the culture thing just bugs the crap out of me for some reason.
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