does this sound like something that can work?

May 16, 2016

would love to get honest input on others from this situation that I feel really guilty about..

There was a man I started communicating with from a dating site. He is actually old enough to be my dad but he seemed rather nice and extremely attractive (in fact so attractive that I thought he might have been a scammer at first)..anyway, on this dating site I have put alot of effort into mentioning the fact that I am looking for friends first and if more happens it would be great and if not we can still be friends so I really emphasize the friend part of things.

I do this to eliminate all the stressful expectations that I find most people put on dating. Anyway, with this in mind he still responded to my profile and began alot of very romantic sweet talk (sort of speak). I kind of enjoyed it and we wound up exchanging phone numbers and emails. The first conversation was decent but I was not overly impressed but he continued with the romantic talk to me via email and expressed how he enjoyed our conversation so much...he wound up calling me again but this time the conversation was a bit better.

I also had gone out of town in this period of time so he continued to want to talk/email and again continued with the romantic talk of how he is developing feelings for me etc, etc, anyway, I began to really like hearing all of this and enjoyed all the attention he was giving me. He was so sweet and romantic that I kind of fell into a bit of a fantasy world with him via phone/email and some sex talk got into play. At this point I played along with the whole thing too ...

like I said, I was really enjoying all the attention he was giving me. this went on for about a week or so and we emailed or talked just about everyday...he would call me and I could not get him off the phone with me for hours, it almost seemed like he was getting obsessed with talking to me...however, I had two days where I could not talk or email him and this gave me a chance to reevaluate the situation. I realized that this was not really how I wanted to go about things with him or anybody. He was already telling people we were dating and almost seemed like he was close to telling me that he loved me.

I realized then that I let things spiral out of control ( I mean..we had not even met at this point)..so I wound up telling him that I really think we should step back a bit and it seemed like it almost devestated him. He sent me several emails where he told me he was very hurt by my wanting to do this.

I tried to explain that it was nothing personal and I did not mean to lead him on but just got caught in the whole fantasy of things too but I tried to explain to him that I felt very uncomfortable meeting him with such high expectations for each other. I apologized profusely to him. Now we are trying to talk as friends. However, I am not altogether sure if and/or when I would be willing to meet him at this point. This has gone in such an awkward direction now.

Anyway, I do feel guilty and as if I lead him on. I also wonder if I was being a tease to him too?? I actually offered that we could continue with the sex talk if he wanted to but we would have to hold off on the idea of ever meeting if we did. However, he declined my offer. To me I just did not think it would be a good idea to keep with that kind of talk if we were going to ever have a chance of meeting...like I said, I just think that brings on too much expectations. Which is exactly what I am trying so hard to avoid on these dating sites.

So I am just wondering if others think I have anything to feel guilty about? does it sound like I lead him on? He said he knew I was only looking for friends but thought he had changed my mind and I suppose for a moment in my fantasies he did. Anyway, any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Edited May 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 16, 2016

How old are you both?

To me, from how you describe things, it sounds as if you are in your teens, and he's much older.

Which is basically a no-no to begin with.

May 16, 2016

I think he knows exactly what he's doing. It's hard for me to imagine myself going after a young adult woman and not knowing what game she's playing and how to play it to get her where I'd want her. It's just a byproduct of age and experience.

He'll probably play the let's meet as friends cards and then the situation will 'organically' become romantic, and if you turn him down then he'll politely let you know he's gonna ghost. The lack of contact after he ghosts will leave you missing it and you'll meet up with him again only this time in the way he wants.

At least that's what I'd do in his shoes if I wanted to be with a younger woman.

In my opinion, you are in over your head here.

May 16, 2016

thankyou both! to answer the question...I am well over 35 years old so no, I am not a kid...lol:) wish I was.

I agree with NTV ...I am probably in over my head..even though I am not as young as you probably thought I was ..I think this man might not be playing with a full deck. Maybe I am not playing with a full deck either but I guess 2 wrongs dont make a right...lol:)

Anyway, thanks for the input. I was feeling guilty for the last few days but I am thinking that i am probably being to hard on myself.

Thanks again:)

May 23, 2016

I have been communicating with a much older man than myself that I met through a dating site. We have not actually met in person as of yet because I have been out of town for a month already.

Anyway. we have been emailing and phoning each other quite regularly. At first I was not too impressed with him because he seemed to talk way too much about himself but I have to admit I think I was just basically attracted to his pics so I continued to communicate with him anyway. He apparently claims he is extremely attracted to my pics too. I still think he talks too much about himself but he has gotten a bit better and he is trying to work on it, he is aware that he has a problem with it. In the meantime, despite his self absorbed manner of communicating there are certain things about communicating with him that I do like..perhaps it really is the physical attraction but it could be more..it is a bit difficult to tell but a part of me does like him. Perhaps it is all the flattery that I enjoy because he is always complimenting me. Anyway, he has sent a number of other pics of himself to me but I have only sent one other one of myself to him. I was planning on sending more but I am so afraid that he might reject me if he does not like what he sees in them. However, we made a very unusual pact with each other, which might make my fear of sending the pics sound rather silly.... since we have communicated for so long now we decided that we were not going to reject each other and that instead we will meet each other with a non judgemental heart. We decided beforehand that we will meet each other and go on 10 "dates/outings" with each other despite what we initially think of each other. On each of these outings we will kiss and hug hello and goodnight. We will also only find positive things to say about each other and life..no complaining, or whining about things. The reason we decided to do this is because we want to give each other a fair chance at really knowing one another by spending physical time with one another with a positive frame of mind, especially since we have invested so much time in communicating already.

Anyway, just wondering what an outsiders point of view would be on this? Does this sound like it might work? Or does it sound like a recipe for disaster? Also wondering if you think I should go ahead and send the additional pics of myself to him in the meantime, despite my fears?

Thanks so much in advance for any thoughts on this. I look forward to reading responses.

May 23, 2016

What's the ages of you two?

May 23, 2016

Everybody is different I can't imagine putting together a plan guaranteeing 10 dates with somebody I haven't met yet. Upon meeting the person IRL I know within 10 minutes if I want another date. Yes, things can happen or be said on the date that will make me not want to see the person again but rarely did I say no at the outset & change my mind.

Before you do anything at least meet. Everything that comes before the 1st meet -- the calls, the texts, the Skype is all nonsense. Only the meeting counts

May 23, 2016

thanks for the responses..

Gloria25...I am 46 and he is 66..lol. he is old enough to be my dad..lol:D

d0nnivain..thanks for your thoughts on this too. normally i agree about meeting first but since i was out of town this is what wound up happening

still interested in others thoughts on this??

May 23, 2016

It sounds ridiculous to me. Huge amount of over-thinking going on here. You can't plan all that stuff with someone you've never met. What if you don't like him? You'd be stuck with 9 more dates with someone you don't like. When does that get fun?

Alternatively you'll get a message after 1 date, "hey I know we said we'd have 10 dates but I decided I don't want the next 9. Goodbye"

Just meet up for 1 date and see how it goes. If you like each other, schedule date 2. If not, say goodbye.

May 23, 2016

It sounds ridiculous to me. Huge amount of over-thinking going on here. You can't plan all that stuff with someone you've never met. What if you don't like him? You'd be stuck with 9 more dates with someone you don't like. When does that get fun?

Alternatively you'll get a message after 1 date, "hey I know we said we'd have 10 dates but I decided I don't want the next 9. Goodbye"

Just meet up for 1 date and see how it goes. If you like each other, schedule date 2. If not, say goodbye.

thanks for the input on this. Good to hear all points of view on it. Maybe you are right about that. Thanks:D

May 23, 2016

Along with what PegNosePete said, the fact that you are "scheduling" kissing is off...

Intimacy is something that should happen organically - not pre-planned.

I don't have a problem with your ages; I was a 40-something that dated men in that age bracket. But, yes, you are overthinking so much of just meeting someone.

May 23, 2016

Along with what PegNosePete said, the fact that you are "scheduling" kissing is off...

Intimacy is something that should happen organically - not pre-planned.

I don't have a problem with your ages; I was a 40-something that dated men in that age bracket. But, yes, you are overthinking so much of just meeting someone.

thanks so much for your input too and thanks for confirming that I am not too young for him or too old for this forum..lol.

May 23, 2016

I suppose you are all probably right about this. I think the whole idea came about because I am really on the dating site looking to start as friends with people first. I make a point of mentioning in my profile that i dont believe in things like instant chemistry/attraction and that I believe that kind of thing takes time to develop so I really push for meeting people as friends and I guess the more him and I talked the more we wanted to convince the other one that we would not prejudge each other as society tends to do so this is how it all came about. The kissing/hugging thing kind of got thrown into the mix because we were both saying how much we could really use a kiss and hug..

On paper I almost feel like it can work and the whole thing would do wonders to eliminate the big fear I have of rejection upon meeting people in these situations, I guess that is why I am so attracted to the idea in alot of ways but I suppose when I step back and think about the whole thing and I discuss it with people on here I realize it might not be as foolproof of a plan as initially thought.

Thanks for the thoughts on it. Still interested in hearing any other thoughts on it if anybody else cares to comment.

May 23, 2016

I can't imagine it working because if either of you does not feel you are a match, they will want to drop out. However, if both of you are honourable and stick to the agreement, who knows?

May 23, 2016

To me it sounds like you lead him on bc you initially stated that you wanted to be friends but you let him start with a more intimate communication, talking about feelings and even sex talk, what kind of friendship is that? You said you wanted on thing but acted as if you wanted another. This man is clearly looking for a more intimate relationship and you let him believe he could get that with you.

A douchy move from your part, I'd let this man go find someone else. He is already in his 60's he is not playing around he's got no time for teeny games like yours. The man knows what he wants and he wants it now, if you are not ready for that well just let him move one.

May 23, 2016

I suppose you are all probably right about this. I think the whole idea came about because I am really on the dating site looking to start as friends with people first.

If you want to make friends, do so somewhere else.

Use a dating site for dating.

Stop wasting time online chatting - you can't know anyone until you meet,

so do that quickly (within a week, and without discussing your whole life stories) if the person seems interesting.

You really can't tell if you will be attracted until you meet.

Don't build up these ridiculous fantasies.

As for this guy, just meet up already, forget about your pact, as it will be out the window in 10 minutes if there is no attraction anyway.

May 24, 2016

thanks for the added responses.

joseb...eventually i would like to be more than friends with someone but want to start out as friends first. This is why I am using the dating site..so i am eventually interested in something romantic but i dont want to jump in right away. The dating sites have an option for "friends" so this does not seem so unusual and I have also had many people tell me that they are looking for the same thing as well. The point of our pact is not to prejudge each other based on initial attraction so if we are not attracted to each other and live up to the rules of the pact we are supposed to bypass those feelings and continue on anyway.

Terry8889..someone merged these threads together unfortunately so my last post is now probably going to be taken out of context. Me and him agreed that the sex talk was a mistake at this point. we cleared the air on that. It was a mutual misunderstanding and we both agreed it was nobodys fault in regards to leading each other on. We have both gotten passed that now.

spiderowl...yes, I know if we both stick to the plan then only fate knows what would happen.

I have decided not to pursue too much with him at this point because I kind of feel like I may have pushed the idea of the pact on him a bit but he does seem very enthusiastic about it at the same time. I guess the only thing that keeps me interested in him is the idea of doing this pact and not much of anything else that has any kind of meaning because we really dont have a whole lot in common other than that so I am not sure if that is really enough of a reason for me to continue on with him. I am kind of leaving everything in fates hands at this point. I will probably continue if he really wants to but at the same time I am going to kind of leave the ball in his court too. Certain things he has said leads me to believe he still has expectations of me that kind of goes against the whole idea of the pact to begin with. So I like this pact idea but not so sure now if he is the right one to do such a thing with. I guess we will see.

Thanks for the input on it:)

May 24, 2016

eventually i would like to be more than friends with someone but want to start out as friends first. This is why I am using the dating site..

Then why not try a friends site (meetup dot com etc)? You can make friends there. If you like someone as a friend, ask them on a date. This sounds exactly like what you're looking for?

In my experience, "friends first" really doesn't work on dating sites. As a guy, if a woman writes that, it's an immediate turn-off. They are saying they are going to friend-zone me -- every guy's worst nightmare. Plus while you're getting to know them as "friends", they are going to be dating others, and telling you all about their new datee (that's what friends do, right?). If you're growing to like someone that is a pretty terrible situation to be in.

So no, I would very much not recommend "friends first" on a dating site.

Dating someone doesn't mean you're "interested in something romantic" - it just means you're going on one date. If you like them, go on another (and in time, "something romantic" may develop). If not, don't. Simple. That is the normal dating process.

May 24, 2016

So much over-thinking here, the age gap isn't a problem, it's more accepted in this day and age. I think this is more pain than it is worth.

May 26, 2016

PegNosePete...thanks for the response. I will give some thought to what you have said but I also dont think i should put in my profile something I am not ready to do. I am involved with Meetups so I am hoping to do just as you have said. However, I dont think looking for friends on a dating site is so unusual..in fact, I have seen many profiles at this point where people are looking for the same exact thing and many have responded to me saying they would love to be friends with me. One of the dating sites I am involved with even has an option for that in the drop down so if it is so unusual why would a dating site have that option?? it would be ok with me if someone looking for something more serious bypassed my profile since that is not what I am looking for right now anyway. They say all the best relationships start as friends first so I want that too.

Silveraccount..you might be right..thanks

May 26, 2016

many have responded to me saying they would love to be friends with me.

What's the worst that could happen! (Google some Dr. Pepper ads)

if it is so unusual why would a dating site have that option??

I didn't say it was unusual. I said it was a bad idea.

They say all the best relationships start as friends first so I want that too.

So date your friends.

They don't say "all the best relationships start as meeting someone as friends on a dating site whilst they are dating others, being the Nice Guy who they can tell all their problems to and share their dating experience, eventually one evening when they are sick of being mistreated and taken advantage of by bad boys they look into your eyes and realize that you've what they've been looking for all along".... do they? Nope, never heard that one myself! Except in bad movies.

May 26, 2016

One of the dating sites I am involved with even has an option for that in the drop down so if it is so unusual why would a dating site have that option??

If I see that I take it to mean the woman is looking for casual (no strings attached) - It's more acceptable and less embarrassing than saying "looking for fun" - for example, adult friend finder isn't about making fiends in anything but the "with benefits" way.

Its confusing at best, as some people do take it to actually mean looking for friends, which, as I've said, is not what a dating site is for.

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does this sound like something that can work?

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