Are these Red Flags? Guy I haven't even been dating for a month is already complainin

May 23, 2016

Why do people keep blaming introversion for all this???

My SO is a huge introvert and puts in plenty of effort, including driving 3 hours every week to see me at one point. I am a huge introvert and I put in my share of effort as well. Your guy is just making excuses for his lack of effort. It sounds to me like he's either just lazy/entitled, or not very interested. Introversion is not an excuse for his behaviour.

Yes- a hundred times!

OP, I agree that this guy is lazy/entitled and that it isn’t about introversion. There’s a tendency to use fancy labels and pseudo-psychological analysis to explain or justify darn near everything these days and it’s BS.

I agree. I feel like he's just not that interested. I mean be claims that the conversation between us was dying out so, he deleted my phone number from his contacts. He BARELY text me.

Yet he claims he's not sure if I like him.

He hasn't done anything but seem to complain to me.

I'm not having sex with someone who doesn't even put in effort.

Oh, he might be interested in your providing him what he wants. And the “is she interested?” BS is also BS. That is also laziness and entitlement: “Well, I’m not going to bother doing anything unless I am SURE that it will pay off.”

Yeah. That's how I feel. I texted him explaining how I felt and he said that is not something to be discussed over text. That he would not acknowledge something like that over text that it is something that should be discussed. He expressed that he does not respect people that do things like this over text. He stated that if that is how I felt then so be it.

So I replied: "Then if you want to talk about it over the phone I'm cool with that. You just never call. You can call me at any time. I'm off today so. Its up to you. "

He has yet to reply.

I’d be 100% done—more confirmation of Elswyth’s lazy/entitled conclusion. My daughter calls it “special snowflake” thinking.

How about men learning how WE think?

True. People could just care about how other people think instead of using gender stereotypes to avoid talking to each other or to justify gender-neutral behavior, like pouting or laziness.

May 23, 2016

First paragraph, that is precisely what Jabron and Gaeta are saying.

Not *in* the bed, but *on* the bed, read their posts again!

That is the expectation.

There is a huge difference between expecting something and feeling entitled to it.

There have been plenty of times I expected sex, or to get a good grade, or to get a job, but that doesn't mean I didn't accept it when it didn't happen or felt like I was owed it.

May 23, 2016

It means he was a gentleman enough to make no overtures without a CLEAR indication that this is what I also wanted, as much as he did.

And what was that clear indication?

What I'm picking up from you is that sex is only okay when a woman initiates it. It's bad if a man wants it, and initiates it.

I didn't say we weren't friends. But I'm telling you, we were MORE than friends.
Do you not understand the concept of having sex with someone, AND liking them as a friend, too...? Isn't that what a Boy/girlFRIEND is...?
Or is that concept alien...

It's alien to me that you think what you did there is the norm, and some sort of paradigm to follow.

I never said HE took 4 months. I satated quite clearly WE agreed... so the decision was mutual. I'm sorry if that's also an alien concept for you... Gaeta meet Jabron, Jabron, meet Gaeta....

No, it wasn't mutual. He did whatever you told him to, because he wanted sex. You have a thing for weak men, and that's okay - but I'm surprised you think this is the norm.

No guy thinks waiting 4 months for sex is a good idea

May 23, 2016

Gender differences exist whether you like it or not. Men have a sexual thought every 7 minutes. Men see signals where there is none! You are just nice to them and they'll start thinking you want them. That's how they are wired. Yes it be nice men learn about us and our signals and all but until they get the memo that when a woman lays on their bed it doesn't mean a 'go' to make a move, well till then stay away from their beds.

May 23, 2016

Gender differences exist whether you like it or not. Men have a sexual thought every 7 minutes. Men see signals where there is none! You are just nice to them and they'll start thinking you want them. That's how they are wired. Yes it be nice men learn about us and our signals and all but until they get the memo that when a woman lays on their bed it doesn't mean a 'go' to make a move, well till then stay away from their beds.

Yeah, and stereotypically or primally women want to have babies. That doesn't mean that men conduct their personal relationships with women excusing bad behavior because of the baby-drive.

May 23, 2016

Yeah, and stereotypically or primally women want to have babies. That doesn't mean that men conduct their personal relationships with women excusing bad behavior because of the baby-drive.

Bad behavior? What bad behavior?

He got her on his bed on a 3rd meeting, he made a move, she rejected him, he obeyed.

I don't call that a bad behavior.

What I am saying is IF you end up laying on a man's bed on your 3rd meeting and he tries to make a move on you then don't act like all offended.

May 23, 2016

Bad behavior? What bad behavior?

He got her on his bed on a 3rd meeting, he made a move, she rejected him, he obeyed.

I don't call that a bad behavior.

What I am saying is IF you end up laying on a man's bed on your 3rd meeting and he tries to make a move on you then don't act like all offended.

This.

Since when has wanting to have sex been bad behaviour? It's completely natural. She rejected his move, and he had a little sulk: that seems to have turned her off him lol.

Look, men have to initiate everything. It's unbelievable the lack of sympathy I see on here for that.

May 23, 2016

Bad behavior? What bad behavior?

He got her on his bed on a 3rd meeting, he made a move, she rejected him, he obeyed.

I don't call that a bad behavior.

What I am saying is IF you end up laying on a man's bed on your 3rd meeting and he tries to make a move on you then don't act like all offended.

I didn't read her as being offended, just explanatory. And I didn't see her not wanting to go farther sexually as rejecting him. She just didn't want to get more sexual. That's not rejection. It's just not wanting to have sex. If he pouts or gets pissy about that, I consider that bad behavior. I consider his not making effort to go to her or contact her and his saying he doesn't respect people who text about certain things to be rude and lazy. I don't see any saving graces in this guy or reason to cater to him any longer.

Edited May 23, 2016 by BlueIris
typos

May 23, 2016

I didn't read her as being offended, just explanatory. And I didn't see her not wanting to go father sexually as rejecting him. She just didn't want to get more sexual. That's not rejection. It's just not wanting have sex. If he pouts or gets pissy about that, I consider that bad behavior. I consider his not making effort to go to her or contact her and his saying he doesn't respecting people who text about certain things to be rude and lazy. I don't see any saving graces in this guy or reason to cater to him any longer.

Yes but nobody is blaming the OP for him being an asshat about it.

I find this idea that just because this guy is (or seems like) a tool and a cry baby people can't point out that the OP did something potentially unwise ludicrous. They are completely unrelated. Two seperate things are happeninig here.

1) Some people here think it's unwise to cuddle with a man on his bed if you don't want to have sex.

2) This guy is an idiot, a crybaby and seems entitled.

Just because 2 is true doesn't mean we ignore 1. When you leave your door open and you get robbed, the robber is to blame. But that doesn't mean it's a good idea to leave your door open.

May 23, 2016

And I didn't see her not wanting to go farther sexually as rejecting him. She just didn't want to get more sexual. That's not rejection. It's just not wanting to have sex.

Completely disagree. Of course it's rejection. You put yourself out on a limb, and get turned down.

rejection

noun

- the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

- the action of spurning a person's affections.

If he pouts or gets pissy about that, I consider that bad behavior.

I'd consider it being a crybaby. Calling it 'bad behaviour' is flattering it.

I consider his not making effort to go to her or contact her and his saying he doesn't respecting people who text about certain things to be rude and lazy.

I don't see any saving graces in this guy or reason to cater to him any longer.

I agree.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Jabron1

May 23, 2016

And what was that clear indication?

It's tragic you even need this explaining...

What I'm picking up from you is that sex is only okay when a woman initiates it. It's bad if a man wants it, and initiates it.

No, it's bad that if a man and woman are lying on a bed, the man assumes that it's a signal to initiate sex.

It's alien to me that you think what you did there is the norm, and some sort of paradigm to follow.

I've never hinted at it as a paradigm to follow, let alone suggested it. I've merely indicated the difference between a man and a gentleman...

No, it wasn't mutual. He did whatever you told him to, because he wanted sex. You have a thing for weak men, and that's okay - but I'm surprised you think this is the norm.

No, trust me, it was mutual. So conversely, because you presume that a woman lying on a bed with you is a welcoming recipient of your advances, that makes you strong?

In the eyes of many women, that would make you a pest....

No guy thinks waiting 4 months for sex is a good idea

Well, you don't but fortunately, you are evidently not my kind of guy, so the argument is moot.

May 23, 2016

He NEVER calls me. Yet he says he doesn't because he feels I'm so busy he doesn't know when to call
I feel that's a lousy excuse.

I feel like he wants me to put in all the effort.

I take out the time to go see him. He NEVER calls but wants me to spend more time with him.

He even said he deleted my phone number at one point because he felt contact was slowly dying out. Just because we didn't text much for a couple of days.

He doesn't put in much effort. He has taken me out to eat and we have gone to an arcade place once per my request but that's about it.

He states he doesn't know how I feel about him that he can't tell if I like him or not because I'm so aloof.

I drive out to see him, I call him and text him on a near daily basis. WTF

What do you think?

It sounds like you're dealing with someone who's too confused to know what he wants, this sounds similar to my friend that acted this way before he came to grips with the fact that he's gay. I say abandon ship with your dignity intact.

May 23, 2016

Yeah. Truthfully there is no way for you to hear his side of the story. However all I can do is explain it from my perspective.

I'm not overly demanding truthfully I feel I've been TOO NICE. I drive out to see him. I text him, he texts me as well but a lot of times he won't respond to my text for hours. I call to talk to him. When I do call we're on the phone for well over an hour. I just feel like all the effort is left on me.

I'm already getting tired of this and it hasn't even been a month.

Well simple don't do it. You want to know what effort he will make for you, then let him make the effort. Don't nag at all. Just make a statement followed up by action (or inaction in this case), don't drive out to see him. I know lots of girls will say but then the relationship won't progress and i won't get to see him, so what? You want to know where you stand with someone, let them meet you halfway figuratively. Don't allow patterns to set in that you are not happy about. Don't be too nice. Ask yourself what is the goal?

May 23, 2016

I already said that he shouldn't have thrown a strop like a baby when he got rejected.

But okay, how do you think then?

It's a second date, and getting toward the end. The guy asks you if you want to go back to his for a drink.

What do you think?

I wasn't addressing that.

I was only addressing the part where you assumed that when a woman lay "on" a bed with a guy, to watch a movie or anything really, that the man's expectation is sex.

He may "hope" to get sex, just like he can hope to get sex if they were on the couch watching a movie, or whatever.

But not automatically expect it.

My second serious bf and I were always "on" my bed, watching tv or a movie, even eating dinner sometimes.

It was way more comfy than my couch.

He never automatically assumed that meant sex.

We would cuddle, talk, it was very sweet but we didn't have sex for about a month after we started dating.

Honesty, I really think a man assuming or expecting that when you are "on" a bed with a chick, that in his mind, that is some sort of tacit agreement on her part to have sex.

I think that is arrogant and presumptuous.

Again it may be how many men think.... but it's the wrong thinking.

If she says no, that means NO, unless she states or does something (other than just laying on the bed) that indicates otherwise.

JMO

May 23, 2016

It's tragic you even need this explaining...

That isn't an answer.

Look, you obviously wear the trousers in your relationships. And you obviously like playing the 'waiting game'.

No, it's bad that if a man and woman are lying on a bed, the man assumes that it's a signal to initiate sex.

I don't think you understand the ways of the world.

I've never hinted at it as a paradigm to follow, let alone suggested it. I've merely indicated the difference between a man and a gentleman...

I don't remember James Bond waiting around for four months for a woman to finally decide to kiss him (but only after a negotiation).

These aren't gentleman. These are weak men that are easily whipped.

No, trust me, it was mutual. So conversely, because you presume that a woman lying on a bed with you is a welcoming recipient of your advances, that makes you strong?

I'm strong because I don't cheat myself.

It's called 'integrity'.

In the eyes of many women, that would make you a pest....

I do my thing, they follow or they don't.

May 23, 2016

What I'm picking up from you is that sex is only okay when a woman initiates it. It's bad if a man wants it, and initiates it.

That is not what we are suggesting and you know it.

But certainly the woman needs to give a green light, and that green light does NOT include laying ON a freakin bed watching a movie, cuddling.... feeling close.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

May 23, 2016

Folks, we've had a couple reports on this thread, and after review, I'm not going to delete any posts leading up to this one, but let's consider the bed debate off-topic from here on out.

Please continue to discuss the original post without resorting to off-topic debates.

Thank you,

~6

May 23, 2016

I agree. I feel like he's just not that interested. I mean be claims that the conversation between us was dying out so, he deleted my phone number from his contacts. He BARELY text me.

Yet he claims he's not sure if I like him.

He hasn't done anything but seem to complain to me.

I'm not having sex with someone who doesn't even put in effort.

He is using you as a c9nquest. Just end it.

I'm a shy introverted guy..some of his actions I can understand....

Like respecting your privacy so I won't suggest going to your place or your area for early dates.

I have problems reading signals so reading interest could be hard.

May 23, 2016

Perhaps read up on 'Sunken Cost Theory':

https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

This is interesting and definitely applies to lots of things, probably OP's situation in part. Same as the other similar thread going on (even more so).

OP, take a risk, find someone who suits you better. Good luck

May 23, 2016

I feel a bit confused about his behavior and feel as if he's projecting his own feeling onto me.

Basically I'm the one that calls him. He NEVER calls me. Yet he says he doesn't because he feels I'm so busy he doesn't know when to call
I feel that's a lousy excuse.

I feel like he wants me to put in all the effort.

I take out the time to go see him. He NEVER calls but wants me to spend more time with him.

He even said he deleted my phone number at one point because he felt contact was slowly dying out. Just because we didn't text much for a couple of days.

He doesn't put in much effort. He has taken me out to eat and we have gone to an arcade place once per my request but that's about it.

He states he doesn't know how I feel about him that he can't tell if I like him or not because I'm so aloof.

I drive out to see him, I call him and text him on a near daily basis. WTF

He's confusing me and I don't like to feel this way. Confusion causes insecurity and uncertainty in ones actions.

I'm really tempted to just end contact with him because of this.

What do you think?

Sweetie I just read this again.

Please just move on.

Yes I agree with you, projecting HIS feelings on to you is exactly what he is doing.

It may or may no be intentional, but it IS quite common. It is also crazy-making!

YOU have done plenty to show your interest.

HE on the other hand, not much, if anything.

Yet he accuses YOU of not being interested.

Why? Because HE is not that interested.

Projection.

Please don't waste another second on this guy.

Block, delete, NEXT.

Best of luck.

Edited May 23, 2016 by katiegrl

May 23, 2016

Sounds like e is using his introversion to manipulate you.

I'd ditch him.

I would also ditch any man who could not in the early stages of dating lie in a bed with me, fully clothed, semi naked or naked without him thinking it as a yes to sex.

It's part of intimacy and trust building.

If I had any idea he might think it was a yes he would be out of my life - and yep - those men have been out of my life before I ever laid on a bed with them. They are easy to figure out way before you get to that stage.

May 23, 2016

I know you ended things with this guy (btw, did he end up calling you?). I think you would have been better off calling him to explain yourself and give him a chance vs. just cutting it off via text (but, that is another debate).

Anyway, there are definitely different perspectives. One of him being lazy and just wanting sex has been posted here already.

The other, is from a guy who has been in his position sort of.... I was dating a girl and she wasn't very affectionate. It wasn't that I was trying to even go all out with her but just wanted some reciprocation and her being more physical (whether be hugs/kisses/etc) but I felt like she was cold with everything because she didn't want it to "lead to sex". I think there are ways a girl can make it clear she doesn't want it to go that far but still be intimate (I won't bring up the bed topic as Mods already said not to talk about that). I agree it is probably better to go on dates outside of his place and if that is all he invites you to maybe just say "I would rather do "x" or "y" instead" , or "maybe later in our relationship" or whatever.

The last girl I was with I felt like the girl was always pushing me for attention and it made me hesitant because I wasn't sure if she was really into "me" or if she just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. From her perspective, it might have seemed like I wasn't that into her but in reality I was just trying to pace things to give things a chance to develop more naturally.

All of this to say is I wouldn't rely too much on what anyone on this forum says. You have already gotten a fast range of "he is just using you for sex" to "he is probably gay and still in the closest". The only way you will know in the future with a guy is to do your best to communicate what you are looking for and if he is a bit unsure of himself (like this guy seems) then just give him something so that he knows you are indeed into him and see where things go.

May 23, 2016

I know you ended things with this guy (btw, did he end up calling you?). I think you would have been better off calling him to explain yourself and give him a chance vs. just cutting it off via text (but, that is another debate).

Anyway, there are definitely different perspectives. One of him being lazy and just wanting sex has been posted here already.

The other, is from a guy who has been in his position sort of.... I was dating a girl and she wasn't very affectionate. It wasn't that I was trying to even go all out with her but just wanted some reciprocation and her being more physical (whether be hugs/kisses/etc) but I felt like she was cold with everything because she didn't want it to "lead to sex". I think there are ways a girl can make it clear she doesn't want it to go that far but still be intimate (I won't bring up the bed topic as Mods already said not to talk about that). I agree it is probably better to go on dates outside of his place and if that is all he invites you to maybe just say "I would rather do "x" or "y" instead" , or "maybe later in our relationship" or whatever.

The last girl I was with I felt like the girl was always pushing me for attention and it made me hesitant because I wasn't sure if she was really into "me" or if she just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. From her perspective, it might have seemed like I wasn't that into her but in reality I was just trying to pace things to give things a chance to develop more naturally.

All of this to say is I wouldn't rely too much on what anyone on this forum says. You have already gotten a fast range of "he is just using you for sex" to "he is probably gay and still in the closest". The only way you will know in the future with a guy is to do your best to communicate what you are looking for and if he is a bit unsure of himself (like this guy seems) then just give him something so that he knows you are indeed into him and see where things go.

I gave him the option to contact me. He never called or replied back. He's full of it. I'm not going to put up with lack luster effort.

Its tiring. I was sitting the other day listen to this man ramble on about how embarrassed and stupid he felt just because I wasn't ready to take things to a sexual level. Its very frustrating dealing with that. I'm DRIVING OUT to see him. I'm calling, texting... Everything. I cuddled with him, he wanted to push things to being more intimate and I wasn't ready.

He's being unreasonable.

I left the ball in his court. I can't be the only person who exercises some patience.

I just felt being with him would be emotionally draining. I'd be constantly walking on egg shells. Not only that he's kind of...bossy.

He's just all around giving off bad vibes for me.

May 23, 2016

I gave him the option to contact me. He never called or replied back. He's full of it. I'm not going to put up with lack luster effort.

Its tiring. I was sitting the other day listen to this man ramble on about how embarrassed and stupid he felt just because I wasn't ready to take things to a sexual level. Its very frustrating dealing with that. I'm DRIVING OUT to see him. I'm calling, texting... Everything. I cuddled with him, he wanted to push things to being more intimate and I wasn't ready.

He's being unreasonable.

I left the ball in his court. I can't be the only person who exercises some patience.

I just felt being with him would be emotionally draining. I'd be constantly walking on egg shells. Not only that he's kind of...bossy.

He's just all around giving off bad vibes for me.

He is not worth it. He is lazy and/or not all that interested.

He's complaining because he didn't get sex on a plate without making any effort at all.

Can I ask why you kept driving out to his place to meet?

The only time I've had a woman do that is when she just wanted me for a bit of sexy time.

May 24, 2016

He is not worth it. He is lazy and/or not all that interested.

He's complaining because he didn't get sex on a plate without making any effort at all.

Can I ask why you kept driving out to his place to meet?
The only time I've had a woman do that is when she just wanted me for a bit of sexy time.

I dunno it just happened like that. We went out and did things. We'd just end our time together going back to his place hanging out for a while and watch a movie.

It's only been three dates so I'm not tripping over it it's not like I was stupid enough to allow this to go on for a month or longer.

He also mentioned that there were long gaps in between the time frame we saw each other. And I'd be d*mned if I invest that amount of time and effort into a man I'm not even committed to.

He wasn't even invested in coming out to see me. What would I look like doing that?

This was a curve ball I dodged. So I'm just chalking it up to experience.

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