Are these Red Flags? Guy I haven't even been dating for a month is already complainin

May 23, 2016

So I met this really nice guy online. The only thing is he's a HUGE introvert. He's shy romantically wise and I believe he is very insecure and sensitive.

We've only been on three dates and he's already told me he feels that meeting up once a week is huge gaps between time in which we see each other. I drive out to see him. He's never volunteered to actually come on my side of town. He's mentioned it, however he hasn't acted on it. So... once a week is all I'm willing to invest I'm still getting to know him well.

Second he told me he doesn't feel comfortable being "intimate" with me because I don't seem to initiate kissing and what not. He kissed me on our second date.

He tried to touch me in between the legs but I wasn't ready for that so I just gently redirected his hand. He asked my why I did that and I explained that I'm not ready for that yet. We were making out...in his bed. I didn't want things to go as far as sex. I'm not ready yet.

So he states he's not sure I like him romantically. Yet he's the one that mentions women he's talking to and

the dating apps he uses. Like...WTF

Then we were cuddling in his bed and he gave me two pecks on the cheek. I just thought he was being affectionate. So I just squeezed him a bit with my arms since I already had them around him as a way to return the affection.

Then later on that night I told him I'd like to give him a kiss. I was about to go soon and I didn't want the whole day to go by without a single kiss from him. I'm not gunna lie I'm a bit shy about being romantic. I want to take it slow. Because I've been hurt really bad in the past. I just want a guy to respect my pace. When I stated that I'd like to kiss him. He mentioned about me not doing so when we were in his bed cuddling.

I explained doing all of that in a bed gives the wrong impression. Often times doing that...in a bed leads to sex.

He then got REALLY uncomfortable and became anxious. Stating that he feels stupid and that he felt I ignored him. That I should have told him at that time. However I feel it wouldn't have mattered if I told him in the moment or not he would have still felt that way.

I felt awkward and uncomfortable at that point. He made me feel bad for wanting to move slow.

I feel a bit confused about his behavior and feel as if he's projecting his own feeling onto me. Basically I'm the one that calls him. He NEVER calls me. Yet he says he doesn't because he feels I'm so busy he doesn't know when to call

I feel that's a lousy excuse.

I feel like he wants me to put in all the effort.

I take out the time to go see him. He NEVER calls but wants me to spend more time with him.

He even said he deleted my phone number at one point because he felt contact was slowly dying out. Just because we didn't text much for a couple of days.

He doesn't put in much effort. He has taken me out to eat and we have gone to an arcade place once per my request but that's about it.

He states he doesn't know how I feel about him that he can't tell if I like him or not because I'm so aloof.

I drive out to see him, I call him and text him on a near daily basis. WTF

He's confusing me and I don't like to feel this way. Confusion causes insecurity and uncertainty in ones actions.

I'm really tempted to just end contact with him because of this.

What do you think?

May 23, 2016

Why do people keep blaming introversion for all this???

My SO is a huge introvert and puts in plenty of effort, including driving 3 hours every week to see me at one point. I am a huge introvert and I put in my share of effort as well. Your guy is just making excuses for his lack of effort. It sounds to me like he's either just lazy/entitled, or not very interested. Introversion is not an excuse for his behaviour.

May 23, 2016

I'm a huge introvert, OP and when I am in a relationship or dating, I make the effort. It doesn't deter me from putting myself out there for someone I'm interested in.

This guy sounds lazy, insecure and entitled. Too much work trying to appease, read minds and walk on eggshells.

May 23, 2016

Why do people keep blaming introversion for all this???

My SO is a huge introvert and puts in plenty of effort, including driving 3 hours every week to see me at one point. I am a huge introvert and I put in my share of effort as well. Your guy is just making excuses for his lack of effort. It sounds to me like he's either just lazy/entitled, or not very interested. Introversion is not an excuse for his behaviour.

I agree. I feel like he's just not that interested. I mean be claims that the conversation between us was dying out so, he deleted my phone number from his contacts. He BARELY text me.

Yet he claims he's not sure if I like him.

He hasn't done anything but seem to complain to me.

I'm not having sex with someone who doesn't even put in effort.

May 23, 2016

I agree. I feel like he's just not that interested. I mean be claims that the conversation between us was dying out so, he deleted my phone number from his contacts. He BARELY text me.

Yet he claims he's not sure if I like him.

He hasn't done anything but seem to complain to me.

I'm not having sex with someone who doesn't even put in effort.

So why are you even thinking about this? NEXT him and move on.

May 23, 2016

You are both mildly interested in each other that is why you are both sending mixed signals and putting minimum efforts. I think he is feeling your poor interest and that is why he is saying you are aloof.

Your mix signal was to get in bed with him. Laying in a bed with a man means you're open to being intimate. If you are not there yet then don't. He is right that you should have told him you wanted to lay down next to him Only to talk, at best.

I don't know how you set up your dates but you just had to organize something close to your home instead of across town.

As above poster said being an introvert has nothing to do with his attitude.

I think you are just not feeling each other and there is no point of continuing.

May 23, 2016

I'm a huge introvert, OP and when I am in a relationship or dating, I make the effort. It doesn't deter me from putting myself out there for someone I'm interested in.

This guy sounds lazy, insecure and entitled. Too much work trying to appease, read minds and walk on eggshells.

Yeah I feel exhausted already trying to explain to him that I just want to take things slow. Instead I'm trying to make him feel better about why I'm not ready to take things to the next level.

May 23, 2016

You are both mildly interested in each other that is why you are both sending mixed signals and putting minimum efforts. I think he is feeling your poor interest and that is why he is saying you are aloof.

Your mix signal was to get in bed with him. Laying in a bed with a man means you're open to being intimate. If you are not there yet then don't. He is right that you should have told him you wanted to lay down next to him Only to talk, at best.

I don't know how you set up your dates but you just had to organize something close to your home instead of across town.

As above poster said being an introvert has nothing to do with his attitude.

I think you are just not feeling each other and there is no point of continuing.

I'm not putting minimum effort. I drive 45 minutes to see this guy. I text and call him on the phone. I invest more effort than anything.

Well I was genuinely interested however after the very awkward incident that occurred the other night I'm very much turned off.

I told him that I didn't want sex. Its not like I didn't say it THE VERY FIRST TIME it occurred either. So no I'm not giving mixed signals. The first time he attempted to initiate sexual intimacy I explicitly expressed I'm not ready for it. I thought he understood that.

Then the second time we were cuddling in his bed he claims he tried to initiate intimacy again. Which I took for him just being affectionate (he gave me two pecks on the cheek). Because... As I stated BEFORE when he first tried to do something that I wasn't ready.

So I layed it out for him that I didn't want to do that in the bed because it gives the wrong impression that I'd want to have sex which I don't.

He never seems to want to initiate this anywhere else but in the bedroom. Which leads me to believe that he just wants sex out of me.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Lolita_Sky

May 23, 2016

You can get Drama in "Bones", "Blacklist", "Suits" or "Blind Spot".

This Drama?

You DON'T need.

May 23, 2016

The guy is just very low-interest. It's as simple as that.

The problem with this situation is that you keep investing in him - while he isn't investing in you. You keep putting time and energy into this. Investment is one of the ways that we start to feel love for someone (I think women even more so than men in this regard).

But investing in this guy will be like a bottomless pit. And the more you invest the harder it will be to walk away.

That's one of the reasons why someone will hang around for ages with someone who doesn't care very much.

I suggest you cut your losses here. I don't think you are ever going to get the sort of relationship you want from this guy.

Perhaps read up on 'Sunken Cost Theory':

https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

May 23, 2016

I'm not putting minimum effort. I drive 45 minutes to see this guy. I text and call him on the phone. I invest more effort than anything.

Well I was genuinely interested however after the very awkward incident that occurred the other night I'm very much turned off.

I told him that I didn't want sex. Its not like I didn't say it THE VERY FIRST TIME it occurred either. So no I'm not giving mixed signals. The first time he attempted to initiate sexual intimacy I explicitly expressed I'm not ready for it. I thought he understood that.

Then the second time we were cuddling in his bed he claims he tried to initiate intimacy again. Which I took for him just being affectionate (he gave me two pecks on the cheek). Because... As I stated BEFORE when he first tried to do something that I wasn't ready.

So I layed it out for him that I didn't want to do that in the bed because it gives the wrong impression that I'd want to have sex which I don't.

He never seems to want to initiate this anywhere else but in the bedroom. Which leads me to believe that he just wants sex out of me.

Than why did you lay down in his bed with him? That is your mixed signal, you say no then you lay in his bed. That's mixed signals for a man.

Then you say you've had only 3 dates and you're getting to know him and you don't have more to give but you lay in his bed?

Do you not see your own mixed signals?

I am not saying he has no fault, and I am not saying you're at fault. I am only wanting you to see where you sent mix signals so you don't repeat it next time.

May 23, 2016

Cons, him: making you do most of the effort, acting like a baby in respecting you and complaining, complaining a lot and a few other things. Dump him.

Cons, you: granted we are only hearing your side of the story but I think you might expect a guy to read your mind or are too uncomfortable having a direct conversation. Like imagining each person's expectations always line up if it's meant to be (often doesn't happen like that). However, they should line up a lot more than they are AND when either party speaks up, if you each care, you will work to come to a compromise. I think that could be possible if you read between the lines of what you've said here. Generally though obviously he is more in the wrong, well wrong for you for sure.

btw, introversion and lack of effort are not linked. Actually I would expect a guy who was introverted to give more and better attention in the situations you have been thus far (just between you two, at his place etc). But yeah anyway, not related. It's just a lame excuse.

May 23, 2016

Than why did you lay down in his bed with him? That is your mixed signal, you say no then you lay in his bed. That's mixed signals for a man.

Then you say you've had only 3 dates and you're getting to know him and you don't have more to give but you lay in his bed?

Do you not see your own mixed signals?

I am not saying he has no fault, and I am not saying you're at fault. I am only wanting you to see where you sent mix signals so you don't repeat it next time.

We were watching movies. When we first started dating I've cuddled with my exes in the past on their bed and we didn't do jack squat, you know why?? Because they were genuinely interested they didn't care if we had sex or not.

THIS GUY. He keeps pressuring the whole idea of intimacy and we've only been on THREE DATES!

May 23, 2016

We were watching movies. When we first started dating I've cuddled with my exes in the past on their bed and we didn't do jack squat, you know why?? Because they were genuinely interested they didn't care if we had sex or not.

THIS GUY. He keeps pressuring the whole idea of intimacy and we've only been on THREE DATES!

Lolita: You are not 15 anymore. If you don't want a man to make a move toward you then you don't lay in his bed to watch movies on your 3rd date. And why would you lay in bed with a man that so far had made NO efforts to go see you, didn't call or text you?

May 23, 2016

The guy is just very low-interest. It's as simple as that.

The problem with this situation is that you keep investing in him - while he isn't investing in you. You keep putting time and energy into this. Investment is one of the ways that we start to feel love for someone (I think women even more so than men in this regard).

But investing in this guy will be like a bottomless pit. And the more you invest the harder it will be to walk away.

That's one of the reasons why someone will hang around for ages with someone who doesn't care very much.

I suggest you cut your losses here. I don't think you are ever going to get the sort of relationship you want from this guy.

Perhaps read up on 'Sunken Cost Theory':

https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

I agree. I'm going to let it go. I haven't invested a whole lot of effort into him so its not like I really lost anything.

May 23, 2016

Lolita: You are not 15 anymore. If you don't want a man to make a move toward you then you don't lay in his bed to watch movies on your 3rd date. And why would you lay in bed with a man that so far had made NO efforts to go see you, didn't call or text you?

That REALLY doesn't matter. Lol If I stated I don't want to have sex and I haven't done a thing on my end physically or verbally to initiate sexual intimacy... I DON'T WANT TO

HAVE SEX.

Lying in someone's bed does not mean I want to have sex. Saying I want sex and physically doing things to initiate the act does.

Your logic makes absolutely no sense.

May 23, 2016

I used to date a guy whose flat was really more of an open-plan bedsit. The only thing to sit on (lack of room for anything else!) was his bed.

The place was tiny, and I wasn't going to sit on the floor.

So we laid on the bed and ate popcorn, and watched TV.

I used to visit him, he used to visit me, at my parents' house, and we'd see each other quite frequently.

I went to his place more, because we didn't have a TV (my mother still hasn't).

We didn't actually use the bed for "sleeping" purposes for at least 4 months.

No touching, groping, making out, getting fresh, cruising the border, or anything associated, at all.

But the bed was the only comfortable place to relax on.

Bed does not equal sex. No bed equals sex, no matter what the living conditions.

Just as a car doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the cinema doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the kitchen doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the bathroom doesn't equal sex when you're dating and the local woods don't equal sex when you're dating.

Although, of course, all of the above are common venues for sex.

And it wasn't out of shyness. We just thought it best to wait.

May 23, 2016

Lying in someone's bed does not mean I want to have sex. Saying I want sex and physically doing things to initiate the act does.

Your logic makes absolutely no sense.

It's not because in YOUR book laying in bed doesn't mean sex that it's also what it means to men. You need to stop applying your own logic to others. Men don't think like women. Men don't read signals the way we do. If you ask this guy he will tell you he put his hands between your legs because he felt being in his bed meant it was ok for him to make a move. Yes even if you had said previously you didn't.

That being said I just wanted you to open your mind and see what you could have done differently but I see you're not that type of person who's open to self awareness and improvement.

May 23, 2016

I used to date a guy whose flat was really more of an open-plan bedsit. The only thing to sit on (lack of room for anything else!) was his bed.
The place was tiny, and I wasn't going to sit on the floor.
So we laid on the bed and ate popcorn, and watched TV.
I used to visit him, he used to visit me, at my parents' house, and we'd see each other quite frequently.
I went to his place more, because we didn't have a TV (my mother still hasn't).

We didn't actually use the bed for "sleeping" purposes for at least 4 months.
No touching, groping, making out, getting fresh, cruising the border, or anything associated, at all.

But the bed was the only comfortable place to relax on.

Bed does not equal sex. No bed equals sex, no matter what the living conditions.
Just as a car doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the cinema doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the kitchen doesn't equal sex when you're dating, the bathroom doesn't equal sex when you're dating and the local woods don't equal sex when you're dating.

Although, of course, all of the above are common venues for sex.

And it wasn't out of shyness. We just thought it best to wait.

Yes Tara in the world in students but in the world of adults where people live in apartments with separate rooms you don't lay in a man's bed then complain he tried to make a move on you.

May 23, 2016

Cons, him: making you do most of the effort, acting like a baby in respecting you and complaining, complaining a lot and a few other things. Dump him.

Cons, you: granted we are only hearing your side of the story but I think you might expect a guy to read your mind or are too uncomfortable having a direct conversation. Like imagining each person's expectations always line up if it's meant to be (often doesn't happen like that). However, they should line up a lot more than they are AND when either party speaks up, if you each care, you will work to come to a compromise. I think that could be possible if you read between the lines of what you've said here. Generally though obviously he is more in the wrong, well wrong for you for sure.

btw, introversion and lack of effort are not linked. Actually I would expect a guy who was introverted to give more and better attention in the situations you have been thus far (just between you two, at his place etc). But yeah anyway, not related. It's just a lame excuse.

Yeah. Truthfully there is no way for you to hear his side of the story. However all I can do is explain it from my perspective.

I'm not overly demanding truthfully I feel I've been TOO NICE. I drive out to see him. I text him, he texts me as well but a lot of times he won't respond to my text for hours. I call to talk to him. When I do call we're on the phone for well over an hour. I just feel like all the effort is left on me.

I'm already getting tired of this and it hasn't even been a month.

May 23, 2016

Yes Tara in the world in students but in the world of adults where people live in apartments with separate rooms you don't lay in a man's bed then complain he tried to make a move on you.

I never mentioned the word 'student', I don't think.... We were neither of us, students....

May 23, 2016

It's not because in YOUR book laying in bed doesn't mean sex that it's also what it means to men. You need to stop applying your own logic to others. Men don't think like women. Men don't read signals the way we do. If you ask this guy he will tell you he put his hands between your legs because he felt being in his bed meant it was ok for him to make a move. Yes even if you had said previously you didn't.

That being said I just wanted you to open your mind and see what you could have done differently but I see you're not that type of person who's open to self awareness and improvement.

I am open to self awareness and improvement. The bed is actually the only comfortable thing he has to sit on in his apartment.

So... WHAT NOW??

Please stop jumping to conclusions.

May 23, 2016

I never mentioned the word 'student', I don't think.... We were neither of us, students....

The way you described the apartment it sounded like a student campus room.

May 23, 2016

That's presumptuous of you.

In fact, it was a large Victorian suburban house divided into 4 apartment/bedsits.

He was 27 and I was 23.

He worked for a Systems Operations company fixing photocopiers, typewriters (remember them - ?!) and office equipment.

He made good money but was wisely putting the bulk of it away to afford to buy his own house outright, and a car.

Does that help?

May 23, 2016

I am open to self awareness and improvement. The bed is actually the only comfortable thing he has to sit on in his apartment.

So... WHAT NOW??

Please stop jumping to conclusions.

Do you need to be this abrasive? If you want to keep on laying in bed with men then go ahead. I was only trying to make you see that in everything that is happening to us we have a part of responsibility. Even if it's just a tiny one. You come on here complaining this man did not text you, did not call you, did not drive to you...but you lay in bed with him on 3rd date!. I don't see your logic. If a man showed 0 interest in maintaining contact with me I would not have accepted a date to his place on our 3rd date.

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Are these Red Flags? Guy I haven't even been dating for a month is already complainin

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