I'm love with a guy who's got a girlfriend but still wants to keep in touch with me?

[shinezu]

But my situation is not typical. The guy was single when I fell in love with him.

 

 

Anw, here goes. I met this guy online via a hobby forum. There was instant attraction and a strong emotional connection. We kept in touch via chats, Skype and phone. We both live in Europe, but he lives in Germany and I’m from Slovakia. He seemed really into me, there was some heavy flirting and chemistry between us. We also had some minor communication issues, but that's to be expected from LDR. Anyway, this continued for 2 years. He was not seeing anyone else during that time, he's just not the type to be a player.

 

 

 

Life circumstances have made me to pursue Masters degree, and I also found a good uni in Germany, which I was happy about because we could meet in person. Unfortunately at that time we had a quarrel. He said something rather insensitive to me given the context, and I also hurled something very hurtful at him and told him that I do not wish to talk to him anymore in the heat of the moment. I apologized for my behavior right next morning because I really made a mountain out of the molehill. That was the last I talked to him, last week of summer. After that I got very busy preparing to move to Germany. All in all, three weeks have passed between our quarrel and my move.

 

 

 

When I was settled in, I decided to fix a meeting. That's when I learned that the guy I was in love with started seeing someone else. That someone else was his college close friend, with whom he had been hanging out occasionally. I learned that from her Wordpress page. Thing is, he has never been romantically/sexually attracted to her during 4 years that they knew each other, or so he claimed when I asked him. He rarely brought her up in our convos and when he did, it sounded like he was her shoulder to cry on, somewhat of a knight who protects her. Worst of all, is that I learned that the kiss that initiated their relationship happened on the very same night we had a quarrel and I told him to not talk to me.

 

 

 

I grew angry and frustrated, and I ultimately cut contact with him for a few months. I assumed he conveniently omitted dating that girl. I tried to move on, got on with my life, started dating other people, but I couldn't get him out of my head and the feelings that were left unsaid. I realized that I can't move on until I talk to him about all that.

 

 

 

I came clear with him about my feelings and the events that transpired. He was genuinely saddened and felt guilty because he hurt me. He admitted that he thought that I would never talk to him for real. He also admitted that stuff that happened between him and that other girl was not planned (which corresponds perfectly with what she wrote in her blog), she had been having serious trouble in her family and he was there for her. I asked him if he was happy in his relationship and he said that he thinks so, although his answer somewhat lacked conviction. Hу told me that he wouldn't take his current relationship for granted, but also doesn't want to lose our friendship. I backed off, because I genuinely want him to be happy, but we still keep in touch.

 

 

Thing that is eating me up is that I can't help but feel that it was my words that pushed him to into doing what he did. I also can't help but feel that he isn't very excited in his relationship. I mean they are not doing stuff that couples do. They do the same thing they did as friends. They see each other once a week or even less. They spend Christmas and Valentines separately. They have not been sexually involved, although they had been seeing each other since autumn. I also can't help but feel hurt, because in my eyes that girl appeared when he was emotionally troubled and snatched him from under my nose in those 3 weeks that I had been gone. Thing is, I thought that our relationship would change, given the fact that he had feelings for me and I had feelings for him, but it didn't. He still very much does the heavy flirting, calling me pet names and etc. So what gives? I would not describe him as a player, in fact he is a bit awkward with fair sex, so I absolutely don't see why he would do that. I also really don't know what should I do. I really enjoy being friends with him, but I absolutely do not want to tempt him into cheating.

 

 

 

 

 

TL;DR In love with a guy, during our quarrel he's gotten involved with his close friend; doesn't seem very happy in his current relationship and still wants to keep in touch and flirt with me?

[d0nnivain]

He's keeping you around as his second choice. Is that really what you want for yourself?

 

 

He initially only wanted flirting because of this distance. By the time you closed that gap he was with somebody. He continues to date her knowing you are more local. That is his deliberate choice. Unless he dumps her & pursues you, put a great deal of distance in here because you are nothing but second best to him. Sorry.

[Toodaloo]

I ultimately cut contact with him for a few months. I assumed he conveniently omitted dating that girl. I tried to move on, got on with my life, started dating other people,

 

This is what you should do again.

 

Its really simple. If he loved you he would dump the other girl and date you. You both met while single and he didn't make a move so its time for you to accept he does not want to go out with you even if you do both get on well.

 

Sometimes people really do have platonic friendships. This is not one of those times because you have feelings. Do not try to "stay friends" with this one. Its not going to work.

 

Save yourself the grief and walk away.

[Satu]

Never be somebody's fallback option.

 

No contact.

[shinezu]

This is what you should do again.

 

Its really simple. If he loved you he would dump the other girl and date you. You both met while single and he didn't make a move so its time for you to accept he does not want to go out with you even if you do both get on well.

 

I never said he made no moves. He did tell me he loved me a while after we started talking on Skype. I just didn't take it too seriously back then due to distance.

[Satu]

I wonder how many other girls he loves.

[kendahke]

If you were his girlfriend and he had a female friend, such as yourself, what would you want us to tell him? Would you want us to encourage him to pursue the other girl or to be true to you, his girlfriend?

 

It would appear that despite what he may say about his girlfriend, he's not throwing her overboard in order to be with you. He can say whatever he wants, but as long as he isn't ending their relationship, you really have nothing. Talk is cheap and he can tell you whatever he wants to keep the hook in your cheek.

[SilverAccount]

Agree with everyone here, your his second choice, your so much better than that. Don't play second fiddle.

[stillafool]

I think the point is you are single and he is not married so if he wanted to be with you he would break up with her and pursue you. He did tell you he loved you, didn't he? Well now he can prove it.

[Emilia]

I've read your post twice OP. Am I right saying that you have never actually met this guy?

 

I don't know how many men you have dated but you can't push men into anything.

[shinezu]

I've read your post twice OP. Am I right saying that you have never actually met this guy?

 

I don't know how many men you have dated but you can't push men into anything.

No, we have met in person when I confronted him about the whole deal.

 

That much is clear.