Mr1215 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Hi - I'm new here, please be gentle. There is a girl who I have known for a few years - she used to be friends with an old ex-girlfriend and that was how we met. My ex is a very troubled person who has burned many bridges - and she did this girl pretty dirty. The girl has forgiven her and moved on, and will be cordial to her etc but not really someone she considers a "friend" anymore. As for myself and that ex - our relationship was complicated and spans 20 years - we both got divorced around the same time and in that wave of emotions we were both riding, we got back together for a short period - it ended again and I was pretty clear that I will not consider another relationship with her because she is one of those people that you can only really love from afar. Anyway, the girl and I had run into each other at a party about a year ago - we spent a few hours talking etc - but we didn't get a chance to exchange info before we left, sadly. We recently connected on Facebook - she sent me a friend request out of the blue, and we started talking regularly. She is a little while out from having ended a serious relationship and is now dating someone but it is very casual. I am divorced and was also casually dating someone recently but it ended several months ago. We met up for dinner one night and had a great evening. I really enjoyed her company, and her mine...we talked for hours and kept talking out in the parking lot even after the restaurant closed. We had a few beers each thru the course of the evening so we were a little drunk. One thing led to another and I kissed her. That got pretty hot and heavy quickly which I think surprised us both. We ended up having sex in the car. I expected things to be awkward after but they weren't...we kept talking like normal but nothing was said about what happened between us. The next night, I finally decided to bring it up - I told her that I had kissed her because I really like her - not because we were drinking - I didn't want her to think that was just something that happened because of circumstance. And I DO really like her so that was actually the truth. She's not a big talker about feelings so she didn't say too much...but she did say thank you for saying that because she wasn't sure what my intentions were etc. We have been out on a couple more "dates" - dinners, movies etc. All of those have ended in some kind of physical contact - mostly kisses goodbye and holding hands etc. The last time we saw each other the kiss goodbye was pretty passionate...sadly we both had to be somewhere (it was a date in the middle of the day) so we had to leave it at just the kiss. So the advice I need is this. I've developed feelings for her, and I want to tell her. We talk every day - usually via text or FB messenger etc - and we have great conversations. A couple of the dates we have been on, she has been the one who invited me, which was nice. But I'm still not real sure how she feels. She is still dating that other person too - she's been honest about it from the beginning - but she does not see them any more or any less than she sees me. (She's a very busy person with a crazy work schedule and other activities going on...so she doesn't have a lot of time in general) Not sure how I feel about that I guess - she says this other person is nice and attentive to her - pays attention to her likes, etc - but hasn't really said anything about the way SHE feels about him. Meanwhile I am also very attentive to her and she has mentioned a couple of times how much she appreciates the fact that I listen and I remember the things she says...and make an effort to get to know her better too. So my questions are: Should I tell her that I have feelings for her? (Even though I kind of feel she has figured it out by now...) She's not a big talker about feelings (and I am LOL) so I'm afraid that even if I do...I might still be wondering. Even though I keep telling myself...she must have at least have some attraction to me or she wouldn't continue to have physical contact with me all these other times, right? Should I ask what's up with the other guy she's seeing too? I understand the concept of dating more than one person at a time but myself have never really been able to do that - I am a "one woman man" per se. These should be easy questions but things are going so well that I'm a little scared to throw the feelings talk out there and then ruin things. In the back of my mind too is the issue that HOW we know each other might be a factor even though her and my ex aren't really friends now and she and I are most definitely over for good. (We discussed that at length when we ran into each other at that party a year ago and she, unbeknownst to her at the time, really helped me see the forest for the trees in that situation with my ex) Anyway...if I could get some opinions on what to do - I would appreciate it!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yes, you need to tell her how you feel and find out how she feels. If you don't, you risk losing her to another guy. It is worth discussing her situation with the other guy as well so you can decide for yourself if it is worth sticking around. Also, if you don't tell her how you feel and your feelings continue to grow, you might discover later that she was never interested in anything serious with you anyway. Think of all that wasted time and heartbreak you might put yourself through for nothing. Better to find out sooner rather than later. Stake your claim before someone else does. Good luck!
Buddhist Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Hi - I'm new here, please be gentle. Brevity is your friend if you want a lot of replies. There is a girl who I have known for a few years - she used to be friends with an old ex-girlfriend and that was how we met. Yep okay, gotcha. We met up for dinner one night and had a great evening. We have been out on a couple more "dates" - dinners, movies etc. So the advice I need is this. I've developed feelings for her, and I want to tell her. Aha.... So my questions are: Should I tell her that I have feelings for her? Should I ask what's up with the other guy she's seeing too? Okay here's the deal. There is no bro-code when it comes to women. As long as your friend is no longer dating the love interest, he's fair game. So forget about all of that. You should just ask her is she wants to be exclusive with you. Kills two birds here, with a single stone.
Author Mr1215 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Yes, you need to tell her how you feel and find out how she feels. If you don't, you risk losing her to another guy. It is worth discussing her situation with the other guy as well so you can decide for yourself if it is worth sticking around. Also, if you don't tell her how you feel and your feelings continue to grow, you might discover later that she was never interested in anything serious with you anyway. Think of all that wasted time and heartbreak you might put yourself through for nothing. Better to find out sooner rather than later. Stake your claim before someone else does. Good luck! Thank you. I have tried talking to a couple of friends (both male and female) about this and I've gotten so many different answers ranging from definitely tell her to definitely DON'T tell her because women don't like it when you confess feelings. I don't know that I agree with that - I think there's something to be said in knowing where you stand with someone. But...I haven't really dated anyone in a manner like this in a long time so while I'm a fairly confident guy...I'm really struggling because I do really like her and I don't want to blow it. Anyway, thank you. You made a good point.
Author Mr1215 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Brevity is your friend if you want a lot of replies. Yep okay, gotcha. Aha.... Okay here's the deal. There is no bro-code when it comes to women. As long as your friend is no longer dating the love interest, he's fair game. So forget about all of that. You should just ask her is she wants to be exclusive with you. Kills two birds here, with a single stone. Thank you. That was a little long LOL - to me it's kind of a complicated story. The only thing she's really said about this other guy she's seeing is that he's a nice person and listens to her, and that the guy did tell her that he's got feelings for her and she was surprised. She did not say if she has the feelings back and I didn't ask - we went out on a date the day after we had that conversation which she asked me out on. So I can only assume that it's not that serious with him or she wouldn't be seeing anyone else - but I hate to assume anything because you know how it is
Papiyon Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 You should share your feelings with her. At minimum you will know where you stand. Additionally, sharing your feelings with let her know if you should invest anymore time and emotions in the relationship. It sound like the interaction between you two are moving fwd, the last thing you would want is to become more involved and realize that you two are not on the same page. Because she communicated to you that she has a bf – I think it’s ‘safe’ to ask her about him and their relationship. 1
CoffeeRomantic Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 We can really understand your concern. It is very oblivious situation for beginners but follow this link it will surely help you. Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop Dating Advice Tips | Free Online Dating Websites | UK Online Dating | Coffee Romance
Toodaloo Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 So I can only assume that it's not that serious with him or she wouldn't be seeing anyone else - but I hate to assume anything because you know how it is So quit assuming and tell her that you was to date her exclusively and you would like her to just date you. Put your cards on the table and if she ums or ahhs about it then you need to take that at face value that she is not all that interested and move on. Keep it simple and keep it real. She may say no in which case she is not the girl for you so its better you end it and find someone who is. She may say yes in which case great and good luck. Just ask her and tell her what you want. 1
Author Mr1215 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks for advice, everybody. We saw each other yesterday but I couldn't really find a way to bring it up at that time - but later in the evening we were talking and she made a comment about how much she likes hanging out with me and how she thinks I'm "awesome". I said I felt the same but before I could say more she said she was signing off because she had to work super early (and it was very late at that point) But when the conversation resumes today I will start there as a segway and see what happens.
Toodaloo Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks for advice, everybody. We saw each other yesterday but I couldn't really find a way to bring it up at that time - but later in the evening we were talking and she made a comment about how much she likes hanging out with me and how she thinks I'm "awesome". I said I felt the same but before I could say more she said she was signing off because she had to work super early (and it was very late at that point) But when the conversation resumes today I will start there as a segway and see what happens. Take her out on a date, look her in the face and say it. There is a reason why I say keep it real and keep it simple. Real is being able to hold and touch. You can guage her reaction and see her expressions. Talk to her. Keep it relaxed and tell her. Simple is just getting on with it and standing by your convictions. So take her out and do not do this via messaging/ text etc. Just talk to her.
Author Mr1215 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Take her out on a date, look her in the face and say it. There is a reason why I say keep it real and keep it simple. Real is being able to hold and touch. You can guage her reaction and see her expressions. Talk to her. Keep it relaxed and tell her. Simple is just getting on with it and standing by your convictions. So take her out and do not do this via messaging/ text etc. Just talk to her. I see what you mean. I would rather do that (in person I mean) but...I'm kind of afraid I'm going to blow it and she's one of those girls that gets uncomfortable and it's obvious when you put her on the spot, you know? I am going see her at the end of the week also - we are going on another date - so I guess I have until then to make up my mind. This is much harder than I thought LOL - can't say I've EVER debated something this THIS much.
Recommended Posts