Fallen_Angel Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 So I said I wasn't going to contact my ex...um...three whole days ago. Since then I have left 2 voicemails, received one back from him, had a long phone conversation with him (which ended with us both in tears), e-mailed him and received a reply. Yes, this is ridiculous! I already know that. There is no need to remind me. In my defense, aside from a voicemail I left requesting a simple favor, one text message, and several calls to his cell phone that went DIRECTLY to voicemail (indicating either his phone was off or he had no signal, which is very likely, so either way he had no clue I called because I didn't leave a message and he doesn't know he missed a call), I went almost 5 weeks without speaking to him. After three and a half years together wherein we used to see each other or at least talk to each other once a day, 5 weeks did seem like an eternity, but I made it. I know you're thinking "well why can't she do another 5 weeks? Or 10 weeks? How about, um, never speaking to him again?!?" I just can't do it. Call me weak, call me stupid, call me whatever you want. I've already called myself all sorts of names. He said he was glad I called. He wants to hang out again, eventually (I haven't seen him since the night we broke up, and it's been close to three months). In the e-mail I sent to him, I explained I do want to remain friends, but I fully expect for it to be next to impossible. Despite the difficulties I intend to perservere. In his reply he said he really does want for us to be friends and he worries a LOT about losing my friendship. After three months, and after the conversation I had with my ex the other night, I have come to the realization that I can't hang onto hope anymore. It's painful, but I'm dealing with it. So at the very least, in my HEAD I know I have to get over him. My heart hasn't quite followed suit, but I tell myself my head, for once, has to overrule my heart. But...yes, obviously my heart is overruling my head with this whole friends quandary. I know the blanket advice is quite simple: don't do it. I'll tell anyone else those words until my face turns blue. But I fully understand that every situation is different. For example, if your relationship soured and ended with arguments and mucho hurt feelings on one or both sides, becoming friends isn't quite as feasible, at least not right away. In my case, my ex and I NEVER fought. Sure, we didn't see eye to eye on everything, but we never had a fight. And yes, of course there are lots of hurt feelings on my side because I thought things between us were perfect. But during these past three months I've slowly come to see that I did view things, to some extent, through rose-colored glasses. My ex is NOT perfect. I DO deserve a guy who 1) does not doubt his feelings for me, 2) is willing to invest his energy in a relationship no matter what else is going on in his life ::cough grad school cough:: ...and to that I don't mean to say the relationship has to trump these circumstances, but by no means should he give up and 3) is willing, at least if/when things become serious, to discuss the future. So I'm on good terms with my ex, despite still being "in love" with him (I don't exactly expect such feelings to fade after a short amount of time after a long relationship), and I've come to accept there won't be a second chance. Why, exactly, am I trying to pull off the impossible? Why do I think I can somehow rewrite the book on breakups and succeed where others have failed?
loveisallaround Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Quite simply: It's human nature. By the sounds of it, the breakup was atleast just a little bit shocking to you. Add that to a three year relationship and a "clean breakup", you've got the outcome you're experiencing now. You sounded like you were a great girlfriend and I'm really sorry this is taking you so long to get over. But we all heal at our own pace. And of course we're talking three ****ing years here, so of course the "hope stage" is going to be a little bit longer. He's obviously feeling the same way as you - although that doesn't mean ****. You do deserve somebody better, and they are out there waiting for you. Everything happens for a reason. Most of the time, unbenounced to us. It's all very cliche (and I hate being cliche) but it's the truth. You're doing great. Like five weeks! In my shorter relationship I only managed a month of NC! You are an incredibly strong woman and each day, you will only keep getting better. Although three years is definitely long term - it's definitely not in terms of your life as a whole. Like Tina trumped Ike, you'll fly again.
miss-gonewest Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 So I said I wasn't going to contact my ex...um...three whole days ago. I went almost 5 weeks without speaking to him. 5 weeks did seem like an eternity, but I made it. Good for you sister! You have done 5 weeks - and they will have been the hardest 5 weeks ever, so anything from here on in will be a bonus! I know you're thinking "well why can't she do another 5 weeks? Or 10 weeks? How about, um, never speaking to him again?!?" I just can't do it. Call me weak, call me stupid, call me whatever you want. I've already called myself all sorts of names. He said he was glad I called. In the e-mail I sent to him, I explained I do want to remain friends, but I fully expect for it to be next to impossible. Despite the difficulties I intend to perservere. In his reply he said he really does want for us to be friends and he worries a LOT about losing my friendship. This is EXACTLY the same as my situation! I emailed, we talked and we decided to be friends.... He doens't want to lose me and still wants to talk, email and catch up. But now I have realised that it will always be on HIS terms... and I don't know if I can play by his rules! After three months, and after the conversation I had with my ex the other night, I have come to the realization that I can't hang onto hope anymore. It's painful, but I'm dealing with it. So at the very least, in my HEAD I know I have to get over him. My heart hasn't quite followed suit, but I tell myself my head, for once, has to overrule my heart. I have just arrived at this same conclusion this morning.... after another great disappointment from him this morning! So....I figure that if you can do 5 weeks, then I can do 5 days and that's a great start for me. I am going to embark on this path with you and I am going to implement NC on my own, just for me. If I weaken, you can tell me off!!! I too need to move on from him & from being friends, and I'd be honoured to approach this hurdle with you Fallen Angel. We can assist each other! But...yes, obviously my heart is overruling my head with this whole friends quandary. I know the blanket advice is quite simple: don't do it. I'll tell anyone else those words until my face turns blue. But I fully understand that every situation is different. You are right - every single situation is different - hence there is no right or wrong answer to remaining friends. I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel strong enough to remain friends... Whenever I have time alone and am feeling OK about him and about stuff, I convince myself that of course we can be friends. Its going to be hard, but I am tough enough to do this. He was a great guy, and I'd like to still think of him fondly and know that we can keep civil contact. However when something happens - or whenever I speak to him and don't get what I want, or hear what I want to hear, I end up crushed all over again. Then I think - "feck him, he doesn't deserve to even have me as a friend!" During these past three months I've slowly come to see that I did view things, to some extent, through rose-colored glasses. My ex is NOT perfect. I DO deserve a guy who 1) does not doubt his feelings for me, 2) is willing to invest his energy in a relationship no matter what else is going on in his life and 3) is willing, at least if/when things become serious, to discuss the future. Fallen Angel, this is great news. While the last three months were really hard, you can now look at it as an investment in your future. Without having gone through what you did, you may not have realised this - or realised it with such conviction. Now you have to hang on to these thoughts - and move forward. Start putting your toes in the ocean of life, and soon enough you will be ready to jump in head first! There is a whole world of men out there just waiting to fulfill each of your three desires. Now at least you know that's what you want and you won't have to put up with anything less!) So I'm on good terms with my ex, despite still being "in love" with him (I don't exactly expect such feelings to fade after a short amount of time after a long relationship), and I've come to accept there won't be a second chance. Why, exactly, am I trying to pull off the impossible? Why do I think I can somehow rewrite the book on breakups and succeed where others have failed? Because we all like to think we are different! Because deep down we like to hold out hope that our ex's will return to us, and that the formula didn't apply to us.... Don't worry, you're not alone on this thinking - I am right there with you! I am slowing realising that it may be best to just down tools and walk away. Its gonna hurt, but it saves me digging an even bigger hole to fall in to - in which case it will be even harder to get out of it!! I'm at work and flicking between screens here - so hopefully my post has made sense.... But thanks for sharing Fallen Angel - your post really hit home for me.
outdated Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 You comin' along girl! I think that you needed to contact him for some sort of closure and I think you got what you need. Now you will be able to heal at a much faster pace- I think you'll be surprised how fast this happens. It was the same for me and my ex- I was pining and pining, then we talked and it all clicked. I didn't want it anymore and I was relieved the whole process was coming to a close. Healing is a two headed dog- one licks your face, one bites you in the nuts. It's a repetative process that requires a regrooming of your soul. One day will be good, one will be bad, but soon the good outweigh the bad, and you don't even care about your ex anymore. I've told you this before beautiful FA- get your ass out there and meet some other people. Trust me- they're waiting for you.
loveisallaround Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by outdated Healing is a two headed dog- one licks your face, one bites you in the nuts. It's a repetative process that requires a regrooming of your soul. Well said.
Author Fallen_Angel Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 Awww thanks so much you guys. Although I'm loathe to admit it, I'm something of a drama queen. I feel like I'm vibrating at a higher frequency or whatever when I have something to overanalyze/obsess over, and of course this situation is no different. But I would have to draw the line somewhere; I made the mistake of being friends with an ex once (after not dating for very long, I might add!) and it royally effed me up. I should have taken time away from the guy, but he seemed to think downgrading back into friendship would be no big deal. Ha. After months of obsessing over our online conversations and time spent hanging out, I was SO miserable. Once I finally started to get past that...I met my ex. I'm all about the meeting of the new people, even though I know not to put a lot of stock into it (ie. my lousy date last month!). My problem is it was a LOT easier to meet people in high school and college, and at that point I still had a circle of friends. Due to various circumstances my social circle isn't much of a circle at all...it's more like friendships (some close) with a handful of people who don't know each other. I'm going to make an effort to reach out to some of the people I've lost track of. Plus, I firmly believe you don't find someone by seaching madly all over the place...it just kinda happens when you least expect it. But who knows...there are lots of people at my new job, including some cute guys! But now I have realised that it will always be on HIS terms... and I don't know if I can play by his rules! I've spent the last week or so thinking about control and dignity. Obviously my ex took control by dumping me, and that still angers me a little. So of course by not contacting him I'd have the satisfaction of having the control back, and by contacting him I've made it clear my feelings are still on the table. But now I have "control" in the sense I can decide whether he and I are to remain friends or not. You are EXACTLY right, miss-gonewest (& btw, you are awesome!! ), when you say it's easier to detangle all this confusion when you're not in contact. It seems incredibly easy, in fact. But when you ARE in contact, it's like pouring gas on the fire. I'm trying to remain dignified, but not quite sure how. My ex doesn't mind that I feel the need to discuss the breakup with him - he's even encouraged me to do so. But of course in my mind all the crying signifies my heart is really tied up in him, and I don't feel the need to let him know that over and over again. I feel as though at this point the only way I can convey dignity is by not begging him to reconsider (which I haven't - yes, I've asked him twice if he thought there would be another chance, but asking and begging are two different things, and I don't plan on asking again), and of course not trying to contact him 24/7. At the end of our conversation Monday night he said he'd call me next week. "feck him, he doesn't deserve to even have me as a friend!" :lmao: :lmao: I've found myself thinking this too. Why should he be allowed to have the AWESOME privilege that is my friendship, after the pain he's put me through?! Theoretically, I think those who have been dumped are COMPLETELY justified in withholding friendship. I believe it was brought up in an episode of Sex and the City, and Carrie says something to Samantha like "You mean you withhold your friendship as punishment?!" HA! But I'm not good with anger and grudges. Simply not in my DNA, or something, unless of course you cut me off on the highway... Maybe this will get easier with time...? I figure it will. Once I've allowed my feelings to run their course, perhaps I won't obsess over this quite as much. Love, I absolutely adore your Ike and Tina analogy (minus the abuse, of course...unless you mean in a metaphorical sense, with my ex abusing my heart! Ha). And outdated...could you nudge me in the direction as to where all these fabulous men are waiting with baited breath for me?! :lmao:
loveisallaround Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Have you thought about taking up something creative to ground yourself? Like acting, painting, pottery, jewlery making, etc? I find these are good activities when you're vibrating at a higher frequency. Even studying new forms of spirituality that appeal to you will help ground you and see the bigger picture. My ex dumping me was probably the biggest spiritual revelation in my life to date.
smile95 Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 This must be the week for "friends". Mine contacted me on Father's Day and we agreed that we love each other and need to be in each others life as friends until he gets his life in order. We did not fight. I think after the inital break up guys shut their feelings off and that is why they appear to be strong. After time, it comes back and then they realize what they have lost. So, now it is getting confusing becasue he is being the man I fell in love with and we are not even together? I do not call him, I let him call me. He has a lot going on and if it gets taken care of and we can resume, great, but I am not putting my life on hold(hopefully). It gets hard when he still says he loves me and misses me. I wonder if friends is possible when neither are dating others and you still have feelings?
outdated Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I wonder if friends is possible when neither are dating others and you still have feelings? Not a chance.
Author Fallen_Angel Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 I know you're right, outdated. Really, I do! I even briefly mentioned my breakup to a new coworker. She agreed I'd be crazy to try and be friends right now b/c if he mentions another girl, I know I'd fly off the handle. Beth, I think guys do a much better job of denying/shutting down their feelings than we do. Sure, this helps in the short term, but in the long run they'll end up having to deal with all this bs...AFTER we've moved on! (Well, here's hoping.) Your ex might be putting on an act to make you come back. What happens, then, if you do get back together and things fall apart again? Is it really worth it? Don't put your life on hold for anyone. Your time is much too valuable.
smile95 Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 fallen angel...I am learning the hard way I think. Of course I agreed to be "friends:" and then he acts like nothing has changed. Still talks the same and says he loves me blah blah.......so of course, I get my hopes up. Stupid me. So, he talks about seeing me soon. We are LDR. and gets my hopes up......so I ask him in an email today when does he think we can see each other since his work is crazy........surprise surprsie.......no freaking reply! I am so dumb. I quit. I am back to NC. I gave it a shot and he was really sweet and nice and of course i let the fact that he ignored me for a month pass. He was a cocky son of a bitch asking me if I had "been " w/ anyone like him and does he miss me (in that sense) and what he wants to do, etc..........and then he does not even respond to my mail. NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC NO CONTACT IS MY MIDDLE NAME NOW! I guess I was giving this the benefit of the doubt. And it did not work.
Recommended Posts