Is marriage worth it for an independent woman?

May 23, 2016

Because those people were boring and/or had no life in the first place. They probably thought their SO, marriage, and/or kids was going to make their life more interesting.

I was 6 years with one guy. Trust me, when you two are passionate/interesting people - it doesn't get old, actually it gets even better

Thanks, I like to hear some positive things about marriage

May 23, 2016

You're independent, financially and emotionally. You don't want to have kids. You like sex. You'd like to have a companion whom you enjoy and who is in the same boat as you are.

Why get married? Are there any advantages to getting hitched vs living together

In my age group, I don't see any real advantages. Additionally, folks like their own space so may not even cohabit or, if they do, they retain their old residence for independence.

For some, the cost of unwinding trusts or wills or POA's after a marriage balances out adding any they might desire with a new partner outside of marriage.

I see evidence of this with some of my older (60's-up) female friends living alone and dating men or having a boyfriend but having no interest in being married again. They're set and enjoying their retirement years on their own terms. Sounds good to me.

May 23, 2016

Also, by "marriage" I mean the legal aspect of it.

Is "sealing the deal" legally worth it for an independent woman who doesn't want to have children?

It was for me. I was with somebody else for almost 12 years. We lived together for 10. It never felt stable. I knew we loved each other. I also knew he didn't believe in "the piece of paper". His statements always made me feel . . . lesser, like I wasn't good enough to get the piece of paper, to legally & officially share his life.

Having gotten married, I can tell you it's so much more then the piece of paper. We took our vows seriously. I remember standing up their at the alter -- yes our ceremony was religious too -- and feeling the weight & gravity of what we were doing. It was profound. So much more then a piece of paper.

Being married gave me a sense of peace & belonging that I had never experienced. Even when things get rough, I harken back to the vows. Yes, I know divorce is still possible but for us, I think unlikely because we do talk, even about the bad stuff. We work together. We have fun together.

If it's not something you want, of course don't do it. However, I love being married. I find myself wanting to do things for my husband that I never thought I would get enjoyment from. Despite the fact that I'm a bad cook, I feel a sense of accomplishment putting dinner on the table for us. I like making reservations & vacation plans for 2.

I'm not explaining it well because to a large extent for me it transcends words.

Neither my 12 year relationship or my marriage got boring. There was always a new adventure waiting for us together. It's about not taking the other person for granted. Of course there were lulls & ruts but those were signals to shake things up not quit.

Edited May 23, 2016 by d0nnivain

May 23, 2016

You're independent, financially and emotionally. You don't want to have kids. You like sex. You'd like to have a companion whom you enjoy and who is in the same boat as you are.

Why get married? Are there any advantages to getting hitched vs living together

No.

_______________

May 23, 2016

I think most of the benefits have been listed but ultimately it is (usually) an emotional decision. I didn't need to marry, I wanted to marry him because I wanted the entanglement.

May 23, 2016

It was for me. I was with somebody else for almost 12 years. We lived together for 10. It never felt stable. I knew we loved each other. I also knew he didn't believe in "the piece of paper". His statements always made me feel . . . lesser, like I wasn't good enough to get the piece of paper, to legally & officially share his life.

Having gotten married, I can tell you it's so much more then the piece of paper. We took our vows seriously. I remember standing up their at the alter -- yes our ceremony was religious too -- and feeling the weight & gravity of what we were doing. It was profound. So much more then a piece of paper.

Being married gave me a sense of peace & belonging that I had never experienced. Even when things get rough, I harken back to the vows. Yes, I know divorce is still possible but for us, I think unlikely because we do talk, even about the bad stuff. We work together. We have fun together.

If it's not something you want, of course don't do it. However, I love being married. I find myself wanting to do things for my husband that I never thought I would get enjoyment from. Despite the fact that I'm a bad cook, I feel a sense of accomplishment putting dinner on the table for us. I like making reservations & vacation plans for 2.

I'm not explaining it well because to a large extent for me it transcends words.

Neither my 12 year relationship or my marriage got boring. There was always a new adventure waiting for us together. It's about not taking the other person for granted. Of course there were lulls & ruts but those were signals to shake things up not quit.

This is excellent....

Cuz making those "vows" (If they mean something to you) DO make a difference and, even if it's "just a piece of paper" and anyone can separate (married, dating, shacking up, etc)...you're gonna work harder on keeping your marriage together cuz of promises made, financial binds, children, views of society, etc.

Just like people who go to small claims court on an issue. You can't say someone "told" you this/that...you gotta show proof (ie text, email, an actual contract). And, that's why some people fear that "piece of paper", cuz it technically is a legally binding contract...So yes, if someone doesn't wanna go into a contract with you, you better be leery.

Now, the leeryness could have nothing to do with you...as in my case, I have and can be a man's only woman for life, but aI'm scared to comingle finances and let go and trust him to care for me cuz my dad let us down. So, I wonder why do you not want to get married?

May 23, 2016

The thing with marriage is - it's a big commitment for life. That is the open assumption. And it is hard to escape a marriage. Divorce is crippling and devastating. It is an open affair. Of when a marriage begins and ends.

But if your just cohabiting - committing is easy and leaving is easy. It is still crippling and devastating. But it is officially easier to start relationships and leave relationships in such scenarios.

The legal and perhaps financial impact of a marriage ending is a lot more than a relationship ending. I guess paper work makes all the difference. Paperwork is binding and a lifetime commitment in itself. Contracts.

And that's about it really.

May 23, 2016

Marriage is what you make of it. If you want children, then you get married and have children. If you want companionship, then that is what to look for. A person gets married because there are certain things they want out of it. Beside children, there are legal/financial reasons such as owing property, etc. Being married makes it easier to truly share your life with a person (and I'm not talking about the romantic stuff).

There is also the social aspect. I got married because after all the other social norms I challenged, not marrying wasn't worth the headache for me. I didn't want to marry, but I didn't not want to marry. It made my parents and my spouse happy, so I got married. It is much easier socially to be married than not.

There is also a huge cultural aspect to it too. It is a combining of two families. Maybe not so big in the US, but in most parts of the world it is.

May 23, 2016

All women want to marry an independent man. Why the hell do those men marry ?

May 23, 2016

The thing with marriage is - it's a big commitment for life. That is the open assumption. And it is hard to escape a marriage. Divorce is crippling and devastating. It is an open affair. Of when a marriage begins and ends.

But if your just cohabiting - committing is easy and leaving is easy. It is still crippling and devastating. But it is officially easier to start relationships and leave relationships in such scenarios.

The legal and perhaps financial impact of a marriage ending is a lot more than a relationship ending. I guess paper work makes all the difference. Paperwork is binding and a lifetime commitment in itself. Contracts.

And that's about it really.

Pardon my ignorance, but if he wants to "escape" a marriage why not just let him go? Why make it hard?

May 23, 2016

Is it possible to have these "perks", so to say, without the legal bind?

Sure, but I do think it's a bit...user-ish...to enjoy those perks long term without being willing to accept social, legal, and spiritual responsibility for the person providing them.

I am all of that. I never thought I would remarry. Why would I, I am financially secure, own my home, my daughter is an adult, no reason at all to remarry then my ex-husband died and it changed my way of seeing things.

When he died he had been living common-law for 10 years with a woman and they had a 9 year old together. It turned into a living hell. She was blocked out of all of their bank account, credit cards, she had no saying in anything, she could not get any cash for food and gas. Then came the funeral arrangement and there too she had no saying and no saying where he'd by buried. Luckily it got solved but it took a long time.

The amazing thing is that him and I had a will that was 25 years old and because he had not made one after that our will was still good even if we had been divorced for 12 years.

Anyway, I don't want to get into too much details but living common-law is good when you are both alive. I would not want to live 20 years with someone and not be able to bury him.

My mom was 43 when she died. It was very unexpected. My parents were together for 18 years, "common law married", when it happened. The problem with common law here is that there is no proof of marriage to offer when necessary. Tax returns, etc, aren't accepted by hospitals and funeral homes as proof of marriage. Only a marriage certificate is accepted. As far as hospitals, funeral homes, cemeteries, and banks/credit card companies were concerned, only legal next of kin could do anything and without that piece of paper, Dad was told he was not family and could not receive any information from the Dr.'s or other hospital staff, couldn't sign anything, and couldn't make any decisions regarding her care, burial, or finances.

So, we went through legal hell. The only saving grace for our family was that I was a legal adult and could sign the necessary documents as next of kin where Dad, her life partner, couldn't. It took more than 6 months to sort everything out.

When Dad found a new mate, he married her within a few years. I think a large part of that decision was because of what he went through when Mom died.

It was for me. I was with somebody else for almost 12 years. We lived together for 10. It never felt stable. I knew we loved each other. I also knew he didn't believe in "the piece of paper". His statements always made me feel . . . lesser, like I wasn't good enough to get the piece of paper, to legally & officially share his life.

Having gotten married, I can tell you it's so much more then the piece of paper. We took our vows seriously. I remember standing up their at the alter -- yes our ceremony was religious too -- and feeling the weight & gravity of what we were doing. It was profound. So much more then a piece of paper.

I've been married twice. The first time, I did it because I had a BC fail and wanted to socially and legally "do the right thing" for the baby. It was a courthouse ceremony and I thought of it as spoken words necessary to enter into a contract, nothing more. We divorced.

When I married DH, also in a courthouse ceremony, it was an entirely different experience. I was in love with a man I was certain was a perfect match for me. Even the things we didn't have in common were perfect. Those differences created a balance. We were better as a unit than as separate entities. We wanted to be married to tie ourselves to each other in every way possible. We wanted that social, spiritual, and legal commitment because anything less is just...less. Incomplete.

There are a lot of financial, legal, and social benefits to being married. The biggest benefit for me is that I know we made a total commitment and feel a resulting security that I wouldn't have without being married.

May 23, 2016

You're independent, financially and emotionally. You don't want to have kids. You like sex. You'd like to have a companion whom you enjoy and who is in the same boat as you are.

Why get married? Are there any advantages to getting hitched vs living together

Marriage is an important commitment, containing promises that people make to each other.

Both my husband and I promised to love and be faithful to each other, as well as care for each other no matter what happens in life. In my opinion, promises are more concrete than simply living together.

We got married because of spiritual reasons, which is why we decided to love each other and be faithful to each other. (Yes, we were "in love" before we decided to love each other and be faithful for life!)

A good and healthy marriage requires caring for the person more than oneself, and being a team, which is why many marriages fail.

Please don't get married for a wedding. Beautiful weddings don't a good marriage make. The love and integrity of the people who unite as one in marriage is what makes a good marriage.

A good marriage is like a garden that requires constant care. Without care, marriages shrivel up and die.

So to answer your question, the advantages I have in getting married as opposed to simply living together are the following:

1. Spiritual fulfillment

2. Security

3. Public acknowledgement

4. Faithfulness covenant

5. Being a team with my hubby, who is also my best friend

6. Safety net for if and when we have kids

7. Family structure

Edited May 23, 2016 by BetheButterfly

May 23, 2016

Not sure if it's been mentioned yet or not, but I could definitely see how being married might impact the number of votes you would get if you ran for political office.

May 23, 2016

Depends what you want in life.

For me my personal development and growth are more important that my interpersonal relationships. Therefore I don't want to spend time/effort of sorting out love dramas and chasing someone, trying to convince him to stay with me. The LTR/marriage is the obvious route here - the person is in, and will stay in during small fluctuations, saving precious time and energy for both.

One of the activities that I hated most while dating was the 'get to know'/'flirting' phase. LTR (in my case) or marriage removes this problem - sex, companionship etc are given on the table without the hassle of flirting and playing stupid 'love' games.

LTR though doesn't give the financial/legal perks of marriage... So still marriage wins IMO.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your marriage though. I can imagine there are cases where the exit is inevitable.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner wants to leave then he should do so and not let the door hit him on the way out? If my partner is not happy with current situation and wants out I'm better off without them anyway, am I not?

That's what happened in my ex-marriage. Because of the "energy barrier" both of us stayed and suffered through it waaaay past the expiration date. Hadn't we been married we would have split up and moved on a loooong time ago.

May 23, 2016

Hi NavyBlueGal, a lot of points have been given in favour of marriage so I won't reiterate those. What I would like to add is as the words of an old song go, ' No man(or woman) is an island and I need you, honest I do". Men and women are by nature social creatures and tend to interact with others. They usually cannot live in isolation. The other thing is that nature has inbuilt in us the nesting instinct. Thus most men and women are drawn to one another on a one to one basis, to be able to start a family and provide a home for their offspring. It is another matter that in the contemporary world, women are increasingly becoming independent and financially secure. Because of their capacity to earn a good living and provide a shelter for themselves, independent of a man, they increasingly feel that they do not need the ties that bind them to a particular man because they do not need the security that the man, in earlier days would provide.

As per the new norms that have come into existence with the emancipation and self sufficiency of women, marriage is not a necessity for a woman to get the benefits of companionship and sex which, earlier, were de riguer as they say. A woman can have sexual partners without having to live with them or, if living with a particular man, not be married to him. However, for most men and women there is a yearning to have a closed family unit that they can call their very own. This can only be made to manifest itself if the couple gets married. The binding that marriage provides gives both the man and the woman an emotional comfort level which cannot be achieved in any other arrangement.

If we accept the above, there still will be exceptions to the rule where both men and women would not like to be tied down and would look for casual sexual partners or semi permanent lovers who would fill their emotional and sexual needs without getting tied down with them. There are still others who are asexual and who are quite happy to lead single lives on their own without the need for constant companionship. It takes all kinds to make this world but such cases are exceptions to the rule and the common run of human beings need the commitment and companionship that marriage provides. May be in a couple of centuries marriage will become redundant and then men and women will be able to live like free radicals with no formal tie downs. Till then one will have to live with the institution of marriage. Warm wishes.

May 23, 2016

"enjoying making your union official"

Honestly, I'm scared &*&less of it becoming routine and falling into a rut.

Been there once before and that's exactly what happened. I also see it so much at work and among friends where people get married and after a while they're not happy because the dynamics changed for the worse And then they're stuck because they're so tied financially/legally, so they can't leave and have to suffer through it or resort to infidelity. There are benefits - no doubt, but ultimately doe the benefits outweigh the downsides?

One of the most difficult times in relationships is when the "romantic" phase of the relationship comes to an end. This is often when the boredom sets in or conflict starts. But it can be a time to grow closer together, not further apart. To start with, both can grieve the passing of that phase of the relationship together and grow closer. You can then work on building intimacy. It's difficult to control the hormones in your brain that gave you that high being with your partner in the beginning. But you can control emotional intimacy, which can give you just as much excitement and attraction.

It's all in how the couple works through the changes together. It's hard work, but you have to decide if it is worth it for you.

May 24, 2016

As financially and emotionally independent woman, I see no benefits of marriage. The only one I see is social acceptance.

Relationships to me are a hassle that suck out my energy. If I met someone with whom I genuinely enjoy being with and who respects my need for freedom, then sure, I would consider it.

May 24, 2016

Hi NBG, I wanted to add to my previous post some other aspect which came to mind. One of them is that irrespective of how many lovers one can have or how much sex is available to one, after some time, such sex leaves one feeling hollow and without fulfillment. I guess one can 'get one's rocks off' as they say but after a while sex without commitment leaves one feeling empty. I think this is what probably drives people to constantly seek out more and more sex whereas, deep down they are searching for the 'Holy Grail' of commitment.

The other aspect that I wanted to mention was the'falling in love' aspect. This is something that one has no control over. To my mind ' Falling in love' is goverened by hormones but is also something above and beyond that. I think it is a combination of physical attraction and infatuation and a spiritual connection at a deep level. That is why when the hormones subside and the so called Romanticism and infatuation die down, the spiritual connection persists and keeps a relationship going on seemingly 'empty'. This falling in love is the factor which drives two people to 'Seal the deal' so to say, and get married. Most men and women cannot resist the power of this falling in love factor and end up getting married. The thing is this 'Falling in love' has the two components to it that I mentioned earlier. However, if the spiritual component was missing in the original infatuation and attraction phase as can happen, then once these fade due to the hormones subsiding, the union is bound to fail as there is no underlying spiritual connection. In these contemporary times it is easy for two people to feel infatuated with each other and think that they are 'In love' whereas the spiritual component is missing. Life is so fast these days and complicated to boot with a lot of background noise, so that people often mistake the fake for the real. I hope I made some sense. It may help people to see things from a different perspective. Cheers!

May 24, 2016

You're independent, financially and emotionally. You don't want to have kids. You like sex. You'd like to have a companion whom you enjoy and who is in the same boat as you are.

Why get married? Are there any advantages to getting hitched vs living together

This is exactly where I am and I don't choose either. For some good reasons.

- Marriage or live together situation doesn't give each person enough room to breathe. Everyone needs their own space and time away from a relationship. Relationships are enjoyable yes, but also hard work. When it becomes a live-in situation it often just kills the relationship as the day to day irritations of sharing space with another person begin take over the relationship.

- Each partner forgets boundaries and begins to ever so slightly creep into the habit of trying to fix, change and meddle in their partners lives.

- Things which used to be independent decisions now become discussions, frustrations and worse still compromises that make no-one happy.

- It's just too difficult to try and steer the lives of two people in perfect tandem in order to maintain this living together situation.

I personally prefer the more natural occurrence of come together for a time and easily depart when that time comes too. There are just too many restrictions on attempting this fabled lifelong partnership. It just becomes an exercise in quiet desperation after a time. Marriage was invented to fit with social conventions and to secure women as property, rather than as people. I see absolutely no relevance of that in the modern era.

I am single as often as I am partnered and to be honest, I am happy in both states. I don't go into partnership for sex, it's a nice perk but not the reason why I'll enter a relationship. I don't do short term or casual dating either. It's either committed longterm with a graceful ending at whatever point or happily single.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Buddhist

May 24, 2016

This is exactly where I am and I don't choose either. For some good reasons.

- Marriage or live together situation doesn't give each person enough room to breathe. Everyone needs their own space and time away from a relationship. Relationships are enjoyable yes, but also hard work. When it becomes a live-in situation it often just kills the relationship as the day to day irritations of sharing space with another person begin take over the relationship.

- Each partner forgets boundaries and begins to ever so slightly creep into the habit of trying to fix, change and meddle in their partners lives.

- Things which used to be independent decisions now become discussions, frustrations and worse still compromises that make no-one happy.

- It's just too difficult to try and steer the lives of two people in perfect tandem in order to maintain this living together situation.

I personally prefer the more natural occurrence of come together for a time and easily depart when that time comes too. There are just too many restrictions on attempting this fabled lifelong partnership. It just becomes an exercise in quiet desperation after a time. Marriage was invented to fit with social conventions and to secure women as property, rather than as people. I see absolutely no relevance of that in the modern era.

I agree with this completely and I've come to the same conclusion.

May 24, 2016

This is exactly where I am and I don't choose either. For some good reasons.

- Marriage or live together situation doesn't give each person enough room to breathe. Everyone needs their own space and time away from a relationship. Relationships are enjoyable yes, but also hard work. When it becomes a live-in situation it often just kills the relationship as the day to day irritations of sharing space with another person begin take over the relationship.

- Each partner forgets boundaries and begins to ever so slightly creep into the habit of trying to fix, change and meddle in their partners lives.

- Things which used to be independent decisions now become discussions, frustrations and worse still compromises that make no-one happy.

- It's just too difficult to try and steer the lives of two people in perfect tandem in order to maintain this living together situation.

I personally prefer the more natural occurrence of come together for a time and easily depart when that time comes too. There are just too many restrictions on attempting this fabled lifelong partnership. It just becomes an exercise in quiet desperation after a time. Marriage was invented to fit with social conventions and to secure women as property, rather than as people. I see absolutely no relevance of that in the modern era.

I am single as often as I am partnered and to be honest, I am happy in both states. I don't go into partnership for sex, it's a nice perk but not the reason why I'll enter a relationship. I don't do short term or casual dating either. It's either committed longterm with a graceful ending at whatever point or happily single.

To me your post sounds like you are attempting to speak for everyone. You may not have meant it that way, but it comes off to me as, there are inherent problems in marriage that are true for everyone or everyone needs xyz and marriage can't provide that or everyone behaves like such and such in a marriage, etc.

There are many different relating styles within the context of marriage and people have different needs. Some find marriage to be a prison while others enjoy the closeness, for example.

This is just a comment on how your post was worded.

Sign In

Is marriage worth it for an independent woman?

Recommended Posts

Navybluegal

carhill

d0nnivain

Emilia

Got it

Gloria25

Keats

DreamP

mikeylo

Navybluegal

MJJean

BetheButterfly

NTV

No_Go

Just a Guy

bachdude

Eternal Sunshine

Just a Guy

Buddhist

Emilia

bachdude

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...