10yearsgoneaway Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 (edited) Back Story: A little more than a year ago, my BF of 10 years fell out of love with me. We were living together, I moved out. It's been a struggle since. I began talking more with a distant friend last August, things progressed, he told me he's had feelings for me for the last 10 years. We got together in November. In the following months I learned he's an alcoholic, heavy daily weed smoker (I mean, every walking minute and all night) He gets mean. He also has some serious misogynistic opinions of women. None of those 3 things I ever know he was. So my feelings became conflicted. I mean, he helped me out of depression but, everything else - wow. Last week he found a comment I made to a post on reddit, about "stoners" and I replied to it. He found it. Was extremely hurt and since I was staying with him, threw my stuff on the street. Now, friends and family are telling me that anyone that literally tosses my stuff on the street and leaves me literally homeless in that second is not worthy of any of my sorrow. Just the same, I know he's hurt, and his actions are irrational - because I was there last year in that mind frame. He's drunk himself into oblivion this week and was calling crying. then texting hate texts, then calling crying as he said "I love you" - all the up and down swings a person has. He hasn't gone to work. He was abusive(once slightly physical), but I'm heavy with guilt. I miss the "good" him. But I know we would never work. And so, at his request Friday, I have not contacted him. He has not blocked me anywhere, but I'm leaving that open for him. I feel like I did enough damage. But folks - I'm at a new low with this second failed relationship and the guilt. and also, I see it now from my prior ex's side. Both sides in a short time frame Questions? Ask away - I have tons of answers on feelings and what thoughts the other person may be thinking. I've gone NC because, it's what's best for him. There's nothing for me to say to him now that would make it better so, there's no reason to contact him. not even to ask how he is. Edited May 22, 2016 by 10yearsgoneaway 1
LostOnes05 Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 Back Story: A little more than a year ago, my BF of 10 years fell out of love with me. We were living together, I moved out. It's been a struggle since. I began talking more with a distant friend last August, things progressed, he told me he's had feelings for me for the last 10 years. We got together in November. In the following months I learned he's an alcoholic, heavy daily weed smoker (I mean, every walking minute and all night) He gets mean. He also has some serious misogynistic opinions of women. None of those 3 things I ever know he was. So my feelings became conflicted. I mean, he helped me out of depression but, everything else - wow. Last week he found a comment I made to a post on reddit, about "stoners" and I replied to it. He found it. Was extremely hurt and since I was staying with him, threw my stuff on the street. Now, friends and family are telling me that anyone that literally tosses my stuff on the street and leaves me literally homeless in that second is not worthy of any of my sorrow. Just the same, I know he's hurt, and his actions are irrational - because I was there last year in that mind frame. He's drunk himself into oblivion this week and was calling crying. then texting hate texts, then calling crying as he said "I love you" - all the up and down swings a person has. He was abusive(once slightly physical), but I'm heavy with guilt. I miss the "good" him. But I know we would never work. And so, at his request Friday, I have not contacted him. He has not blocked me anywhere, but I'm leaving that open for him. I feel like I did enough damage. But folks - I'm at a new low with this second failed relationship and the guilt. and also, I see it now from my prior ex's side. Both sides in a short time frame Questions? Ask away - I have tons of answers on feelings and what thoughts the other person may be thinking. I've gone NC because, it's what's best for him. There's nothing for me to say to him now that would make it better so, there's no reason to contact him. not even to ask how he is. You keep saying what is best for him, what you did to him...what about his actions towards you? Who gets that mad about someone they are with having an opinion on their drug dependency? If he continues on this road, who is going to miss the good you when he looses his temper in an alcoholic or drug rage? You need to maintain no contact and never go back. He has a lot to work on and in his current state there is no way you can effectively work on a relationship. Take care of yourself 2
Author 10yearsgoneaway Posted May 22, 2016 Author Posted May 22, 2016 You keep saying what is best for him, what you did to him...what about his actions towards you? Who gets that mad about someone they are with having an opinion on their drug dependency? If he continues on this road, who is going to miss the good you when he looses his temper in an alcoholic or drug rage? You need to maintain no contact and never go back. He has a lot to work on and in his current state there is no way you can effectively work on a relationship. Take care of yourself I know all of this. The post was about stoners being boring while intoxicated. I agreed. Because they are. He was all the time, passed out all the time. The hurt he feels was because , he knew it was my true feeling as I posted it with a reddit account I forgot he had. It wasn't some passive aggressive anger thing, it was my real thought. Why he still remembered or checked that reddit, who knows. But the hurt, was real, I struck a chord in him. But I had gone over tuesday and the hurt and crying and general body language, was real and sincere. He feels the same way I had when I was left by someone I cared about. I'll admit I'm a f**'d p mess right now. He wasn't a rebound to me, but it was too soon. He suckered me in with "I've wanted you for 10 years" I ignored that red flag. 1
Satu Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 snip I've gone NC because, it's what's best for him. There's nothing for me to say to him now that would make it better so, there's no reason to contact him. not even to ask how he is. Populate your life with people who are functioning well. Dysfunctional types will only ever add another layer of complexity to your own issues and challenges. QED. 1
LD1990 Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 It sounds like on some level you felt like you owed him for helping you through your difficult time. It's important in situations like these to keep in mind that he had an ulterior motive. It's not like he was helping you get through your depression and breakup out of the goodness of his heart, he was doing it to be with you. Stay away from him no matter what. Weed's not a big deal but too much alcohol messes with the head and could cause him to become aggressive towards you again, and who knows what other substances this guy uses regularly. He's unstable. 1
LostOnes05 Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 I know all of this. The post was about stoners being boring while intoxicated. I agreed. Because they are. He was all the time, passed out all the time. The hurt he feels was because , he knew it was my true feeling as I posted it with a reddit account I forgot he had. It wasn't some passive aggressive anger thing, it was my real thought. Why he still remembered or checked that reddit, who knows. But the hurt, was real, I struck a chord in him. But I had gone over tuesday and the hurt and crying and general body language, was real and sincere. He feels the same way I had when I was left by someone I cared about. I'll admit I'm a f**'d p mess right now. He wasn't a rebound to me, but it was too soon. He suckered me in with "I've wanted you for 10 years" I ignored that red flag. Again, your focus is on what you did to him. So he was hurt that you wrote that. A rational person might see it and sit down to have an honest conversation with you (even if he was pissed). I'm sure this isn't the first time you've displayed displeasure with his habits. What are your thoughts on his actions? Do you find them acceptable? Can you picture being in a loving long term relationship with him? Can you see raising children with him? What will you do if he gets sober and relapses and hits you? What will it take for you to decide to choose your own well-being in this situation? Can you stomach 5-10 years down the road looking back and realizing he was a waste of your time and happiness? I'm all for couples working through issues, but you can only do so much when it comes to drugs and being violent. He has to have the desire to change his life in order to even begin to seek help. It's natural to want to help a partner. But when that help endangers your own safety and sanity, it's time to take a step back.
azaleigha Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much hurt over the last year or so. It's a lot to deal with, and it's understandable that you're struggling to move past this. I think it's important that you don't ignore your feelings, but also that you don't give them more weight than they're worth. Have you ever though about talking to a counselor about all of this? It sounds like you might still be carrying some pain from your breakup last year which is compounding what you're going through now. A therapist or counselor might be better able to help guide you and help you discern some wisdom from these experiences that you'll be able to take with you in the future with other relationships. I know that you're hurting right now, and I hope that soon you'll start to be able to feel peace about where you are now. You deserve someone who will treat you well, and will love and respect you even when hurts and disappointments happen. Hang in there, friend.
Itspointless Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Was extremely hurt and since I was staying with him, threw my stuff on the street. [...] I know he's hurt, and his actions are irrational [...] texting hate texts, then calling crying as he said "I love you" - all the up and down swings a person has. [...] He was abusive(once slightly physical), but I'm heavy with guilt. I find his temper worrying if I am honest to you. I am sorry you have to go through this but he really does not seem fit for a relationship. I perhaps can sometimes can show my anger a bit more, but seriously I have never have done such a thing in my life. Hate I even find another story. Hate is something really different.
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