Ex and I working on getting back together. But things seem one-sided now

[sigurpol]

My ex and I broke up about three or four months ago after dating for two years. She always felt a lot of things changed at some point in our relationship when I became very withdrawn and neglected her and the relationship. So it fizzled out over time.

 

But we agreed to stay in touch, telling me that the door is always open if we want to try again. I think (I didn't say at the time) I was going through some depression (Have had a history of it) and I was spending a lot of time alone, drinking, just bad stuff. After we broke up, I started to see a therapist so I didn't spin out of control. Still in it and it's going well.

 

Around Easter I brought a lot of stuff up, about wanting to get back together. But she told me that she had met someone, and was dating someone else. This guy currently lives about 3,000 miles away, so it's long distance.

 

But my ex told me shes not even sure how its gonna work out, shes not confident about the long distance and says shes always comparing him to me. She added that she knew I was the one the first time we went on a date. I gave her a copy of my housekey to show that I was serious about stuff and that whenever she wanted to come over, she's welcome.

 

We had more talks like this, week to week, where she wasn't sure she could trust me and said that she couldn't go through another episode of me leaving her lonely.

 

All understandable. I feel like we've made progress in the last few weeks (tell each other we love each other, haven't had sex but we kiss and get physical, and make future plans for each other)-- But in this last week, I don't know. I just feel like something is up.

 

She's wanted me to keep her cat at my apartment. At first I did, because I wanted to show commitment and everything, but after three days, it just wasn't working. the cat was sick, I got sick, it was a mess. So I feel like she resents me about this and I've brought this up to her, asking if this is true, and she'll just say "its fine, I just wish it worked out."

 

I was under the impression she was breaking up with her current boyfriend. But on Monday she told me she hasn't told him anything and is figuring out how to do it. Which is weird, spending time with her, every time her phone rings or gets a text, I just get a knot in my stomach. She just ignores her phone.

 

When her and I started to date in the beginning, she warned me of this ex of hers who was still crazy about her. I had to deal with this guy calling or texting once a week asking to have her back, how much he loves and misses her, my ex would always show me these texts and write things back like "leave me alone" "i have a boyfriend now." -- While her and I were broken up in the last few months, she was showing me texts from him still. Shirtless photos, all this crap.

 

The other day, I see she likes his "facebook page" for his business. Personal trainer or something. And I know it's just facebook, but I remember thinking "what the ****, I thought you hated this guy?"-- So I don't know.

We spent time together last night and I was talking about my buddy moving to another city next week.

 

"for what?" she asked.

 

"for a girl, they met like, 2 weeks ago. It's a little much, they're just crazy about each other."

 

She kinda mentions that it'll "turn out like us, really nice in the beginning but it didn't last"-- Something to that effect. I was like, "why did you say that? that sucked to hear". She immediately apologized and kissed me, saying she loves me and didn't mean it that way. We talked a little more and she seems so unsure about everything now.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I felt like we really worked on some things, made great progress, but now it seems as if it's slipped way back. Should I keep up with this or draw the line?

[preraph]

Sounds like it's really up to her whether she wants to be with you or not. But you have the option of just telling her to come around once she's done with that guy too. I don't see anything good happening until she's at least let that run its course. And unless you're willing to make permanent changes to please her and she is too, reuniting will only result in another breakup too, and she knows that.

[scorpiogirl]

My ex and I broke up about three or four months ago after dating for two years. She always felt a lot of things changed at some point in our relationship when I became very withdrawn and neglected her and the relationship. So it fizzled out over time.

 

But we agreed to stay in touch, telling me that the door is always open if we want to try again. I think (I didn't say at the time) I was going through some depression (Have had a history of it) and I was spending a lot of time alone, drinking, just bad stuff. After we broke up, I started to see a therapist so I didn't spin out of control. Still in it and it's going well.

 

Around Easter I brought a lot of stuff up, about wanting to get back together. But she told me that she had met someone, and was dating someone else. This guy currently lives about 3,000 miles away, so it's long distance.

 

But my ex told me shes not even sure how its gonna work out, shes not confident about the long distance and says shes always comparing him to me. She added that she knew I was the one the first time we went on a date. I gave her a copy of my housekey to show that I was serious about stuff and that whenever she wanted to come over, she's welcome.

 

We had more talks like this, week to week, where she wasn't sure she could trust me and said that she couldn't go through another episode of me leaving her lonely.

 

All understandable. I feel like we've made progress in the last few weeks (tell each other we love each other, haven't had sex but we kiss and get physical, and make future plans for each other)-- But in this last week, I don't know. I just feel like something is up.

 

She's wanted me to keep her cat at my apartment. At first I did, because I wanted to show commitment and everything, but after three days, it just wasn't working. the cat was sick, I got sick, it was a mess. So I feel like she resents me about this and I've brought this up to her, asking if this is true, and she'll just say "its fine, I just wish it worked out."

 

I was under the impression she was breaking up with her current boyfriend. But on Monday she told me she hasn't told him anything and is figuring out how to do it. Which is weird, spending time with her, every time her phone rings or gets a text, I just get a knot in my stomach. She just ignores her phone.

 

When her and I started to date in the beginning, she warned me of this ex of hers who was still crazy about her. I had to deal with this guy calling or texting once a week asking to have her back, how much he loves and misses her, my ex would always show me these texts and write things back like "leave me alone" "i have a boyfriend now." -- While her and I were broken up in the last few months, she was showing me texts from him still. Shirtless photos, all this crap.

 

The other day, I see she likes his "facebook page" for his business. Personal trainer or something. And I know it's just facebook, but I remember thinking "what the ****, I thought you hated this guy?"-- So I don't know.

We spent time together last night and I was talking about my buddy moving to another city next week.

 

"for what?" she asked.

 

"for a girl, they met like, 2 weeks ago. It's a little much, they're just crazy about each other."

 

She kinda mentions that it'll "turn out like us, really nice in the beginning but it didn't last"-- Something to that effect. I was like, "why did you say that? that sucked to hear". She immediately apologized and kissed me, saying she loves me and didn't mean it that way. We talked a little more and she seems so unsure about everything now.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I felt like we really worked on some things, made great progress, but now it seems as if it's slipped way back. Should I keep up with this or draw the line?

 

 

You sound like the last person I was in a relationship with. The only difference is you're smart enough to admit that you were going through a tough time and you sought help. That's really admirable.

 

He pulled away from me and just disappeared. I think this was when his depression was particularly bad. When he felt better he realised what he'd done to me and asked for another chance. Told me he'd do anything I wanted to get me back.

It took a while but I gave him another chance. In the back of my mind I was always wondering when he'd leave again. I held back a lot.

 

He disappeared on me two more times. The third time was it for me. It was a month after I'd lost my second parent.

 

I was understanding of his depression that he wouldn't seek help for, so i gave him a lot of leeway. Two more chances than I should have. Each time, I held back a lot more because investing fully in him left me vulnerable. Each time he left MY depression got worse. I couldn't allow that again.

 

Maybe, despite your assertions to the contrary, she's not feeling secure yet. You might leave again.

 

She could also just be playing you but I thought I'd offer another perspective.

[sigurpol]

Sounds like it's really up to her whether she wants to be with you or not. But you have the option of just telling her to come around once she's done with that guy too. I don't see anything good happening until she's at least let that run its course. And unless you're willing to make permanent changes to please her and she is too, reuniting will only result in another breakup too, and she knows that.

 

Agreed. I'm willing to make changes in my life, but I'm slowly drifting toward the giving-up phase now. It's hard when we spend time together and I know she's texting this guy during our time. She tries to hide it, either out of some kind of respect or not wanting me to see it, but it's becoming an exhausting day to day battle. I don't know.

[sigurpol]

You sound like the last person I was in a relationship with. The only difference is you're smart enough to admit that you were going through a tough time and you sought help. That's really admirable.

 

He pulled away from me and just disappeared. I think this was when his depression was particularly bad. When he felt better he realised what he'd done to me and asked for another chance. Told me he'd do anything I wanted to get me back.

It took a while but I gave him another chance. In the back of my mind I was always wondering when he'd leave again. I held back a lot.

 

He disappeared on me two more times. The third time was it for me. It was a month after I'd lost my second parent.

 

I was understanding of his depression that he wouldn't seek help for, so i gave him a lot of leeway. Two more chances than I should have. Each time, I held back a lot more because investing fully in him left me vulnerable. Each time he left MY depression got worse. I couldn't allow that again.

 

Maybe, despite your assertions to the contrary, she's not feeling secure yet. You might leave again.

 

She could also just be playing you but I thought I'd offer another perspective.

 

 

That sounds exhausting to deal with, I'm sorry you had to put up with that.

 

That's what I'm thinking too, she's mentioned that as well. It's a "I need to know I can trust you/ I need to figure out how to tell this (new) guy what's going on"-- the problem is, it seems like their relationship is totally fine. Sometimes I think the tables turned and now I'm the one she wants to someone tell "it's not gonna work"

[Toodaloo]

Agreed. I'm willing to make changes in my life, but I'm slowly drifting toward the giving-up phase now. It's hard when we spend time together and I know she's texting this guy during our time. She tries to hide it, either out of some kind of respect or not wanting me to see it, but it's becoming an exhausting day to day battle. I don't know.

 

I am sorry but this amounts to cheating in my book.

 

I think you do need to give this one up.

 

She is looking over her shoulder for the next best thing and you still have work to do to get into a half decent emotional shape.

 

You need to concentrate on your emotional health right now not getting back together with someone who is looking at leaving anyway.

 

Its hard and it hurts but its going to end that way anyway.

[xUnknown]

I agree with Toodaloo. If she isn't 100% emotionally committed to you, you need to let her do her thing, with or without you. I feel she is dragging her feet with this guy because she is hesitant about getting back with you also. Pull the chord before she pulls it on you. I hate to say it, but I don't see this working out. At least until she ends it with this guy and has time to be single for a while.