tsarita Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Hello all, This is a loooong post I am so happy to have found this forum and hopefully some kind of advice as I am in a mess right now. I am dating a man that I am very much in love with. We see each other everyday and I so enjoy his company on every level. We have only know each other for about 4 months yet it seems we have dated for much longer. We work together and even though we see each other almost every night it's almost as though we don't spend enough time with each other. The problem is when I met him he was living with the mother of his four year old child. Our relationship started as a friendship, but it was obvious that there was an attraction. He was very persistent in trying to spend time with me, going out at lunch with me, offering to show me around the city etc.(i am new in town) From the things that he mentioned about his relationship I gathered he wasn't very happy, but I always thought "he has a girlfriend and a kid, he is off bounds" and I continued to date other men. Fast forward, one night he came back to mine. We kissed and we spent the night sitting on my couch talking. He revealed his feelings for me and was very honest about his relationship with his girlfriend and his unhappiness. He told me that he never loved her and had expressed that feeling to her many times but she always told him that things could work out, he stayed with her out of guilt because they stared off as friends, she was there for him during one of his difficult periods. Her mother also recently died and she has no other family. She then became pregnant and things became more complicated. On the night we kissed he said he wanted things to be right between us and that he didnt want our relationship to be dishonest, because he felt so strongly for me. In my head though, I was already planning that this was going to be a one time thing and that I would never touch him again. Well the next day he told her that it was over and he moved out from her place and went back to mother's. We have been together ever since. It's been about 3 months of a honeymoon period and now the reality is setting in. We decided to keep our relationship secret at work because of professional reasons. I asked him not to tell his family because i feel a bit embarrassed. He understands though he says his mother wouldn't mind as she likes me and knew how unhappy he was in his previous relationship. He also didn't tell his ex girlfriend that he was seeing someone else especially not me as we met once before. I was fine with him not telling her. He goes over there three times a week to see his son and at least tuck him into bed. One day he left his cell lying around, she went through his messages and found some from me. So now she knows everything. Previously she seemed to accept his leaving until she found the texts. Now she wants to get back together and according to him admitted that before she found out he was seeing someone she just assumed they would eventually work things out. Now she realizes he is moving on and she doesnt understand his feelings for me as we have only known each other for such a short time. I think she doesnt like me very much and to be honest I don't blame her. I feel our relationship started badly, if he had already been living at his mom's and then I had met him it would be ok. But I can't help but feel I have ruined a home, even though he assures me it was ruined way before I came along. He says he spent most nights at his moms anyway and that he only moved in with her last xmas because of his son as he didnt want to be an absentee dad like his father was to him. For some reason that doesnt make me feel better, because I know while we are having fun together she is hurting. This guy tells me everything. He hasnt held back any ugly details. I know the failure of their relationship is as much down to him and as her. He hasnt painted himself as a saint by any means. I know this may sound weird but I trust him, even when he goes over there I never doubt him. I know he's just there to see his son and nothing else is happening. I just feel so bad because I think I have hurt her and ruined the life of a little boy. AND yet I love this man. He isnt going over there as much anymore because she is pleading to get back with him and he can't take it, which means less time with his son. I feel terrible about that. I feel that even though he had moved out and told her it was over we were cheating because she didnt know about us. I was up all night wondering whether to ask him to go back to her and try as hard as he could to work it out because of his son. Arent we being selfish? isnt a child's happiness more important than our own. Part of me feels he had a chance to leave her back in the day when there was no baggage, now there is, so has to lie in the bed that he made. Me, I need to find someone without all this baggage. I feel horrible and torn. We have talked and cried together so many times about this, which may be why it feels we have been together longer than we have. We are both so scared. When we first started dating I asked him if he was with me because he was running from something. He said no. Last night in tears, he said he now feels like he just wants run as fast as he can. This morning we talked some more and he said we won't run, he's going to be a man and face it and try not to fold. He said he's going to love his son and try hard to make this work between me and him, because he loves me. Honestly? I still feel like a slut, whore, home wrecker and it's not a good feeling. What should I do? Walk?
ollydolly Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Honestly, if you're strong enough to stay away, it is a really good idea for a man to clean up his own back yard first - before moving himself into your heart and life. You could put a time limit on staying away, say six months, four months etc - in order for those two to close their relationship civily and work out how they will both parent the child separtely. Your guy sounds as if he is directing his life from an emotional standpoint rather than a rational one. If he wants to leave her for you, the least you can do is stand back for a while and let him make those choices without the emotive pull of you being there, waiting for your bit from him. Also, it sounds as though you are carrying quite a lot of guilt about this. For your own sake stand back and give him space to clean up.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Well the next day he told her that it was over and he moved out from her place and went back to mother's. We have been together ever since. It's been about 3 months of a honeymoon period and now the reality is setting in. Whether he loved her or not, he still has feelings for her -especially since they share a child together. The problem here is, one cannot end one relationship and then jump right into another one. There has to be time in between to get over the other person. He may not be lying to you, but he isn't telling you the whole truth. I could be wrong, could be right, I don't know the dynamtic between the two of you. Let him do what he is going to do, go on with your life, tell him when it is completely over, maybe you'll casually date - Then see how it goes. HE feels obligation to her as the mother of his child, and nothing will ever change that. The fact she doesn't like you - She may play games now to win him back, use their child to her advantage -Sadly, there isn't much you can do about that, because his kid comes first. He'll believe her in a heartbeat. And remember too, you will be part of this child's life forever if you two end up together...Which means his girlfriend will be part of the package deal too.
froggytroat Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Well, I'd say you are a slut, whore, and home wrecker. That said, he's also a slut, whore, and home wrecker, so maybe you'll do well together.
Miffy Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Froggytroat what's the matter with you? That's not funny - people come on here for some helpful feedback - that was not in any way shape or form helpful. Critiscism is one thing but calling people names is at best childish - I suggest you keep your remarks off the forum if that's your attitude.
ollydolly Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 That said, he's also a slut, whore, and home wrecker, so maybe you'll do well together If he is in that home because of guilt, doesn't sound like much of a home to me.
erika2610 Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by froggytroat Well, I'd say you are a slut, whore, and home wrecker. That said, he's also a slut, whore, and home wrecker, so maybe you'll do well together. Wow.. what's wrong with you??
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