beachlover966 Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 (edited) I am 20 and I have been seeing a guy since last August and I have known him for two years. He told me in January that he didn't want a relationship and wanted us to be friends but we still went on dates and he showed signs that he liked me more than a friend after he told me that he didn't want a relationship. We had a connection on our dates. We even kissed and were intimate but we never had sex. All of the sudden last week he told me that he changed his mind and wants to be in a relationship with me because he said before, he didn't want a relationship because he didn't know me that well and now he wants a relationship because he knows me a lot better now. He told me that he loves me. He also told me that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He was the only guy out of all of the guys that I dated that told me this. Then he said, we can't be in a relationship until we have sex. I told him no because I'm not comfortable with that yet until we are in a relationship. Then he said that any other girl would say yes. Is this true? Am I wrong for saying no to him? Why would he tell me that me and him can't be in a relationship until we have sex first? Is this normal for a guy to ask this before he gets into a relationship with a girl? He pressured me into having sex before I was ready. If he really liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me, why couldn't he make it official right away? Did I miss the perfect opportunity to marry and have children with him? Did I do the right thing by saying no to have sex or do you think I should have given him a chance? Edited May 22, 2016 by beachlover966
mrldii Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 Sex is not a bargaining chip for anything. Despite his words, his actions have proven he's not relationship material. 2
spiderowl Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 Saying what he said does not make sense. Either you are in a relationship together and exclusive or you are not. When you choose to have sex is up to you and him and when it feels right for both of you, not a condition of a relationship. He may just be immature and thinking that he wants to avoid getting into a 'relationship' if sex is not going to be an option or if you don't seem to like it. It's the sort of thing guys worry about - maybe she'll never want it with me! It's possible that reassuring him that you do like him and sex and that one day when the time is right for both of you it will be part of the relationship might calm his fears. If he carries on making this a condition of formally being in a relationship though, then as the previous poster said, he's not relationship material.
Shining One Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 You're not wrong for turning him down. Each person sets their own requirements. If you don't believe in having sex outside of a committed relationship, it is your right to stand by that requirement. If he doesn't believe in committing to exclusivity before having sex, that is his right. I'm one of those men who won't agree to exclusivity before we've had sex. I have dated a few women who won't have sex before exclusivity. In some cases, we just parted ways. In others, we compromised. 2
loveisanaction Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 You did absolutely the right thing by turning him down. Isn't it funny that it's when he wants to sleep with you is when he suddenly changes his mind and wants to be in a relationship with you? This guy is slime...i'm sorry girl but he is...he's using the oldest trick in the book, he can't be in a relationship with you until he sleeps with you. I can bet with my left finger that once he has he'll suddenly change his mind again and revert back to his earlier statement that he's not ready for a relationship. Bravo to you girl for turning him down but yes he was right many girls would have said yes. Girls who would have been afraid that if they had turned him down he would have left them. Stick to your decision...the right man will wait for you.... 4
JustGettingBy Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 If you didn't feel comfortable with dating him, you didn't do anything wrong.
katiegrl Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 (edited) You're not wrong for turning him down. Each person sets their own requirements. If you don't believe in having sex outside of a committed relationship, it is your right to stand by that requirement. If he doesn't believe in committing to exclusivity before having sex, that is his right. I'm one of those men who won't agree to exclusivity before we've had sex. I have dated a few women who won't have sex before exclusivity. In some cases, we just parted ways. In others, we compromised. Just a guess but I bet you are not the type of man that would ever tell a woman he "loves her, wants to marry her and have a kid with her" either until you were in a relationship with her. This guy was clearly full of bs when he told her those things, he was attempting to manipulate her into having sex. Yeah right "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have a kid with you......BUT we need to have sex first before I will commit to a relationship." Give me a break. Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Shining One Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 Just a guess but I bet you are not the type of man that would ever tell a woman he "loves her, wants to marry her and have a kid with her" either until you were in a relationship with her. This guy was clearly full of bs when he told her those things, he was attempting to manipulate her into having sex. Yeah right "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have a kid with you......BUT we need to have sex first before I will commit to a relationship." Give me a break.I completely agree. This guy was laying it on quite heavily just to get what he wanted. My previous post was just a general response to her question... not feedback for this specific instance. 2
katiegrl Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 I completely agree. This guy was laying it on quite heavily just to get what he wanted. My previous post was just a general response to her question... not feedback for this specific instance. Fair enough. But since one of her questions was asking if she lost out on marrying and having a kid with him, I felt inclined to respond to that too. To the OP, no you didn't lose out.... He has no intention of marrying you. It was all a manipulation to get you to have sex. Some guys will stop at nothing to get it and apparently he's one of them. You did the right thing by saying no. Stick to your guns! 1
mortensorchid Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 This guy may not say it directly, but he wants sex and nothing else and he's trying to get you to bend. Don't do it. He's not interested in an actual relationship, he just wants to do IT and then tell you he's still not into it. Move on. 1
mrldii Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 ...I'm one of those men who won't agree to exclusivity before we've had sex. I have dated a few women who won't have sex before exclusivity. In some cases, we just parted ways. In others, we compromised. *Even though* I'm female, I feel the same way: I, too, will not agree to exclusivity before we've had sex. But I also don't say "I love you", "I wanna marry you", and "I wanna make babies with you" before having sex, either. That's what showed it's a manipulation tactic on his part and NOT a sincerely-held principle.
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 This guy is a player. (He's bad at it but still he's not to be believed). He said he didn't want a relationship. You said OK but dated him casually. That is fine. Then he decided that he wanted to have sex with you. On at least some level he knew you wanted a relationship to have sex but he still wanted to hedge his bets so he comes up with this BS about not being able to have a relationship with you until you have sex with him. Newsflash: whatever it is you have been doing all these months is a relationship in all but the name/title. This new twist coupled with the lies about marriage in the future is just him manipulating you into doing what he wants. He doesn't give one whit about you other then to see if he can score You were dead on by saying thanks but no thanks. All those sweet things he said that you wanted to hear were bold faced LIES. 1
usa1ah Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 You did the right thing. My wife and I dated for 2 1/2 years before she said ok on our wedding night, it was worth the wait. Our honeymoon lasted just over 8 years when we had our first child. 27 years later and still together. Up and downs yes, but have been able to work through them because of our friendship and love developed over the years. Never give in to sleep with me or else. He doesn't love you if he does that. 2
TunaCat Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 He doesn't want a relationship with you. He just wants sex. He thinks he can talk you into having sex if he promises that you two will be in a relationship after the sex. Do not believe him. 2
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