Vulnerability

[Satu]

That is exactly how I feel about sharing some events of my past. It's like picking at a wound that has healed. Why re-open it. Re-feel it and re-live it.

 

I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable in the present. I take risk, I open my heart, I speak about my feelings, my fears, my hope. I am vulnerable today, in this moment, all the time.

 

Me too. All of me, all the time.

[katiegrl]

That is exactly how I feel about sharing some events of my past. It's like picking at a wound that has healed. Why re-open it. Re-feel it and re-live it.

 

I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable in the present. I take risk, I open my heart, I speak about my feelings, my fears, my hope. I am vulnerable today, in this moment, all the time.

 

My dad was a war veteran and this is exactly how he felt. Course he was pretty self-contained in general which I respected and admired ..... I emulated him and became attracted to men who were also self-contained.

 

He could not even watch movies about the war.

 

He said "I already lived it, I don't need to watch it."

 

Nor did he ever talk about it.

 

I know my ex went through some horrendous things growing up. He shared a bit, but not much.

 

I never pushed it....

 

I often wonder if I should have pushed (or encouraged) my ex to open up. And opened up more myself about my past ....about my mom who was abusive. Even tho we made amends before she died.

 

Maybe by not pushing, he got the feeling I didn't care, which of course was not the case.

 

I dunno anymore, still working through some things obviously....

Edited May 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[trippi1432]

My dad was a war veteran and this is exactly how he felt. Course he was pretty self-contained in general which I respected and admired ..... I emulated him and became attracted to men who were also self-contained.

 

He could not even watch movies about the war.

 

He said "I already lived it, I don't need to watch it."

 

Nor did he ever talk about it.

 

I know my ex went through some horrendous things growing up. He shared a bit, but not much.

 

I never pushed it....

 

I often wonder if I should have pushed (or encouraged) my ex to open up. And opened up more myself about my past ....about my mom who was abusive. Even tho we made amends before she died.

 

Maybe by not pushing, he got the feeling I didn't care, which of course was not the case.

 

I dunno anymore, still working through some things obviously....

 

My current step dad was a Vietnam Vet, two tours. I came across his class ring one day, a gold ring with bits of broken black onyx in a plastic bag that he saved it in. I asked him about that. My mother scolded me for asking as she thought it was better left unsaid too.

 

What he shared with me left me with real respect and gratitude and proud that he loves me, because he shared the unimaginable aspect of what he went through.

 

Being vulnerable is hard, I tried that recently with a guy I had been dating for 3 months...my advice is to stay away from emotionally unavailable men, there is a stigma about sharing yourself emotionally too soon. Strange that men seem to think that if a woman has sex with him she is being vulnerable.

 

I do want to commend you Katie, your posts of late have been about awareness and growing emotionally yourself. You are on the right track.

[Buddhist]

How important is it to you that your partner is able to be vulnerable? To open up and confide their deepest fears or their feelings about you? What difference does it make to you?

 

All the difference in the world. If I want a relationship in which the other person is window dressing in my life I'll get a goldfish.

[dichotomy]

Generally speaking my wife is not a very vulnerable person relationship/romantic wise - or even about her life in general but she does have/express it often about her professional life. When she does occasionally express it (with regards to us or her life) it has been good for me and our relationship.

 

However, as man I have found its never been a good idea for me to express much vulnerability (especially romantically) to women. It seems more of a one way street.

Edited May 23, 2016 by dichotomy

[spiderowl]

Thanks for replies, it's interesting to see how essential some people think it is to a relationship. Is vulnerability about sharing things from the past though or about being honest in the present?

[katiegrl]

Thanks for replies, it's interesting to see how essential some people think it is to a relationship. Is vulnerability about sharing things from the past though or about being honest in the present?

 

I think for some it's both.... for others it's just the present.

[salparadise]

Is vulnerability about sharing things from the past though or about being honest in the present?

 

These are not what I was speaking of. I noticed that people are talking about various concepts, mostly related to willingness to communicate insecurities.

 

What I am talking about is ability and willingness to open the gates to our high walls and allow another person inside.

 

When we get our hearts broken we develop defenses (high walls) in an effort to prevent the suffering of that pain all over again. These defenses are effective in preventing us from falling in love with liars, players, sociopaths, etc. But we often construct our walls so high and thick that they are also impervious to those we actually want to have a loving relationship with... and without us being conscious of it. We overcompensate and become emotionally unavailable.

 

Loving is a risk. Vulnerability is the willingness and ability to take the risk and allow it to happen.

[carhill]

What I've found since getting divorced is that it's still normal and healthy to appear vulnerable and share intimacies but the change is I have no investment in nor expectation of the outcome. If it works out positive, OK; if negative, OK. The relative importance of others as a determiner of what personality characteristics I value has diminished.

[AMJ]

How important is it to you that your partner is able to be vulnerable? To open up and confide their deepest fears or their feelings about you? What difference does it make to you?

 

It's extremely important to me. However, it's unattractive when someone is easily vulnerable. I need to feel like I've earned it, the other person opening up. And I need to feel like we trust each other enough to look out for each other's feelings and best interest. When people are too easily vulnerable, I feel like being responsible for protecting their feelings is going to be a lot of work.

[trippi1432]

These are not what I was speaking of. I noticed that people are talking about various concepts, mostly related to willingness to communicate insecurities.

 

What I am talking about is ability and willingness to open the gates to our high walls and allow another person inside.

 

When we get our hearts broken we develop defenses (high walls) in an effort to prevent the suffering of that pain all over again. These defenses are effective in preventing us from falling in love with liars, players, sociopaths, etc. But we often construct our walls so high and thick that they are also impervious to those we actually want to have a loving relationship with... and without us being conscious of it. We overcompensate and become emotionally unavailable.

 

Loving is a risk. Vulnerability is the willingness and ability to take the risk and allow it to happen.

 

My answer to this would be here in this post.....people do develop defenses (high walls, I'm guilty of it)....but if they really learn from their experiences, they develop boundaries. Hopefully healthy boundaries, if not healthy boundaries it becomes easy to become emotionally unavailable. To Sal's point, a thick wall to not let anyone in.

 

Vulnerability is about being loved for who you are....warts and all (for a lifetime, not just in the moment). It goes down to the deepest level of you as a person, what makes you and shapes you into who you are. I don't know, I'm still looking for it myself, someone who isn't afraid of just being themselves but not overstepping boundaries. Let's be honest...sex is easy, I find it harder to find a man who is emotionally available or even cares about who I am as a person.

 

My walls are high, my boundaries are healthy and I am also perfectly fine with being alone for the rest of my life rather than settle for someone I can't trust being vulnerable with. Being vulnerable is knowing and loving who you are.........finding love is accepting that no one is perfect, but is just as vulnerable to accepting themselves as you are.