Vulnerability

[spiderowl]

How important is it to you that your partner is able to be vulnerable? To open up and confide their deepest fears or their feelings about you? What difference does it make to you?

[salparadise]

It's essential. The ability to love is equal to the ability to tolerate vulnerability. People who can't have avoidant attachments and they will sabotage, push away, create drama or seemingly lose interest when you start getting close. Anyone who wants a real, intimate relationship needs to determine if a potential partner has this ability early. If they don't then it's always going to be frustrating, limited, and ultimately you're wasting your time.

[seamos]

It's very important to me.

 

It shows the trust that is critical for any healthy relationship to have.

 

Of course it's a 2-way street and needs to be reciprocated and respected.

 

It also shows that my partner values my thoughts or feelings enough to be this way w/ me.

 

But vulnerability outside the relationship isn't such a great trait I suppose.

[chapter44]

I find that being vulnerable is a measure of transparency and is crucial to an intimate relationship. I don't think you can be truly connected to someone if you don't have vulnerability. It does however take time to trust someone enough to get to that place and you need to be wise about who you share such things but once you're at that point it is very liberating. After all isn't what we are searching for is that deep bond where you are free to be exactly who you are, flaws and all?

[BlueIris]

It’s very important to me and I agree that it’s essential for establishing connection and trust.

[carnelian]

It is important but many people including myself especially, are very wary and cautious to do this, for fear the other will judge them critically, disapprove or even use this vulnerability against them. I don't fault people for being cautious.

I have heard some nasty insensitive things said to me by girls that I thought I trusted. So some people cannot be trusted, at least in the short run.

This I have found true: EVeryone wants others to be sensitive and open and honest with them, but very often they do not reciprocate. Many women will feel free to be judgmental with your vulnerability.

[jen1447]

I don't know that they need to be vulnerable exactly, but they need to be honest.

[salparadise]

I don't know that they need to be vulnerable exactly, but they need to be honest.

 

Emotionally unavailable and inability to tolerate vulnerability are two terms for the same thing. Perhaps not literally synonymous but close.

 

When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. That's vulnerability. Without it there is no love, only superficial, dysfunctional attachment.

 

In a more generic sense, putting yourself out there... expressing affection, attraction or taking a risk without knowing that it will be reciprocated is also being vulnerable.

 

I don't think you can be emotionally healthy without having the ability to tolerate it... you certainly cannot form healthy relationships without the ability.

[katiegrl]

Emotionally unavailable and inability to tolerate vulnerability are two terms for the same thing. Perhaps not literally synonymous but close.

 

When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. That's vulnerability. Without it there is no love, only superficial, dysfunctional attachment.

 

In a more generic sense, putting yourself out there... expressing affection, attraction or taking a risk without knowing that it will be reciprocated is also being vulnerable.

 

I don't think you can be emotionally healthy without having the ability to tolerate it... you certainly cannot form healthy relationships without the ability.

 

Well said salparadise!

 

I am just learning this myself, so thank you!

[MrDuck]

It is important.

I think in a way its what solidifies your relationship emotionally - its all the little things about someone that only you know, the stuff they don't show anyone else, it creates an emotional bond.

 

 

However I don't need it to be there instantly, to me that would almost mean less.

 

 

My gf really struggles with being venerable, it took ages for her to start to let me in (even as a friend first), and since being in a relationship its still always taken her a long time to open up emotionally, even with things like saying I love you.

I never minded waiting. I always knew we were making progress and to me it meant 100x more whenever she did let me in.

 

 

I'm a pretty open guy, I don't have a problem laying my cards on the table but I still believe theres another, deeper level, yo go to when your in a relationship with someone..

[Emilia]

It's very important to me. It's important that they feel they can share.

[jen1447]

Emotionally unavailable and inability to tolerate vulnerability are two terms for the same thing. Perhaps not literally synonymous but close.

 

When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. That's vulnerability. Without it there is no love, only superficial, dysfunctional attachment.

 

In a more generic sense, putting yourself out there... expressing affection, attraction or taking a risk without knowing that it will be reciprocated is also being vulnerable.

 

I don't think you can be emotionally healthy without having the ability to tolerate it... you certainly cannot form healthy relationships without the ability.

 

Eh, spiderowl defined it as "to open up and confide their deepest fears or their feelings about you." I don't think you need to let me 'destroy' you to do that, but I do think you have to be honest if you have those fears.

[katiegrl]

Eh, spiderowl defined it as "to open up and confide their deepest fears or their feelings about you." I don't think you need to let me 'destroy' you to do that, but I do think you have to be honest if you have those fears.

 

jen, if upon your opening up and sharing your fears, trauma from your past, your feelings, etc, your partner can't handle and pulled away and/or rejected you, *that* might destroy the person who just opened up..... emotionally.

 

Destroy may be too strong a word though, how about devastate?

 

It's a big risk opening up like that, ya just don't know how your partner will respond/react, that is what makes them vulnerable.

Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[Satu]

To me, being 'vulnerable' means being without ego defences.

 

Fully present and open.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean sharing painful material, though it can, if you have a mouth full of spiders.

[jen1447]

jen, if upon your opening up and sharing your fears, trauma from your past, your feelings, etc, your partner can't handle and pulled away and/or rejected you, *that* might destroy the person who just opened up..... emotionally.

 

It could, but it wouldn't have to to still be a valid opening up IMO. Lots of veterans of relationship disaster go thru life with a relationship firewall in place (I'm one, and so is my BF), and it doesn't mean we're unauthentic.

[Satu]

It could, but it wouldn't have to to still be a valid opening up IMO. Lots of veterans of relationship disaster go thru life with a relationship firewall in place (I'm one, and so is my BF), and it doesn't mean we're unauthentic.

 

You're absolutely right about that.

[katiegrl]

To me, being 'vulnerable' means being without ego defences.

 

Fully present and open.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean sharing painful material, though it can, if you have a mouth full of spiders.

 

I watched the movie Erin Brockovich last night.

 

True story although I realize certain parts were fabricated for drama and entertainment.

 

Anyway, before meeting the man who went on to become her boyfriend, she had a very traumatic past.

 

There was a scene wherein she broke down and shared all of it with him! Was extremely vulnerable because he could have walked out at that point.

 

It was so touching, he did not walk out, he responded with care, kindness, empathy and love.

 

It was *after* she became vulnerable, and shared when they became closer, fell in love and he became her boyfriend!

 

Lesson to me was being vulnerable and sharing sensitive issues from our pasts and/or fears. etc is a good thing.

 

It builds intimacy and trust!

 

If he can't handle, NOT the guy for me!

 

I am looking for true intimacy.

 

Not a superficial attraction based on chemistry, sex and fun.

 

Which is what I have had a tendency to do in my previous relationships.

Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

It could, but it wouldn't have to to still be a valid opening up IMO. Lots of veterans of relationship disaster go thru life with a relationship firewall in place (I'm one, and so is my BF), and it doesn't mean we're unauthentic.

 

I didn't mean to suggest you or anyone who chooses not to share everything is not authentic.

 

God no!

 

I have never been one to share it all, I have been very self-contained in my relationships and so have my partners.

 

We were always genuine and authentic though always. There was always lots of love, caring and good times.

 

There was still a certain emotional distance though and don't want that in my next relationship.

 

That's all.

Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[Satu]

snip

*Lesson to me was being vulnerable and sharing sensitive issues from our pasts and/or fears. etc is a good thing.

 

It builds intimacy and trust!

 

If he can't handle, NOT the guy for me!

 

 

 

 

*That is your experience of intimacy, but it's not true for everyone.

 

After the Second World War, therapists working with Holocaust Survivors noticed that some of them felt much worse after talking about it.

 

The more they talked about it, the worse they felt.

 

So yes, some people, like yourself feel benefit from sharing painful material, but not everybody does.

 

The therapists were baffled, but they eventually realised that they were enforcing an unwanted vulnerability on these people, when what they really needed was to develop coping strategies and renewed confidence.

 

Some people have very good reasons for not sharing their pain.

Edited May 22, 2016 by Satu

[katiegrl]

snip

 

 

 

*That is your experience of intimacy, but it's not true for everyone.

 

After the Second World War, therapists working with Holocaust Survivors noticed that some of them felt much worse after talking about it.

 

The more they talked about it, the worse they felt.

 

So yes, some people, like yourself feel benefit from sharing painful material, but not everybody does.

 

The therapists were baffled, but they eventually realised that they were enforcing an unwanted vulnerability on these people, when what they really needed was to develop coping strategies and renewed confidence.

 

Some people have very good reasons for not sharing their pain.

 

Actually it is not my experience, I have never been that vulnerable before, but I would like to be if I can ...

 

You are so right, it may not work for me either!

 

I may end up feeling more comfortable self-containing just as I have been doing.

 

Another poster on a different thread told me vulnerability builds intimacy .

 

And unless I can be more vulnerable, I will never have true intimacy with my partner.

 

It made sense to me.

 

So that is what got me thinking about my last relationship and how it felt distant.

 

We were in love, we were engaged, but it still felt distant.

 

So wondering if our lack of vulnerability was why.

[jen1447]

I didn't mean to suggest you or anyone who chooses not to share everything is not authentic.

 

Well we're not necessarily not sharing everything either. Some ppl just don't allow that intimacy to lay them low is all. I had some very frank and honest talks w/the BF about our pasts and what we expected from each other and so on, but we both (for diff reasons) already had our psyches adjusted so that if things went sideways we wouldn't be 'destroyed' either.

 

I get the notion that in order to allow love in you can't be completely safe, I just disagree that it has to be an abject surrender to circumstance. You can do it perfectly well while protecting yourself from the possible fallout.

[katiegrl]

Well we're not necessarily not sharing everything either. Some ppl just don't allow that intimacy to lay them low is all. I had some very frank and honest talks w/the BF about our pasts and what we expected from each other and so on, but we both (for diff reasons) already had our psyches adjusted so that if things went sideways we wouldn't be 'destroyed' either.

 

I get the notion that in order to allow love in you can't be completely safe, I just disagree that it has to be an abject surrender to circumstance. You can do it perfectly well while protecting yourself from the possible fallout.

 

That makes sense too jen thanks.

 

As I said always lots of love in my previous relationships, even with our both being self-contained about certain things. We were both comfortable with that, it worked for us.

 

It is how I was raised to be, I discussed all of that in the other thread.

 

I got shot down for it though, criticized..... on that thread, which is what got me thinking.

 

At the end of my last relationship, I felt a distance and realized it had been there throughout despite all the love, passion and great times.

 

I dunno.... guess I will just have to see how it goes down in my next relationship.

 

I won't force anything.

[Gaeta]

snip

 

 

 

*That is your experience of intimacy, but it's not true for everyone.

 

After the Second World War, therapists working with Holocaust Survivors noticed that some of them felt much worse after talking about it.

 

The more they talked about it, the worse they felt.

 

So yes, some people, like yourself feel benefit from sharing painful material, but not everybody does.

 

The therapists were baffled, but they eventually realised that they were enforcing an unwanted vulnerability on these people, when what they really needed was to develop coping strategies and renewed confidence.

 

Some people have very good reasons for not sharing their pain.

 

That is exactly how I feel about sharing some events of my past. It's like picking at a wound that has healed. Why re-open it. Re-feel it and re-live it.

 

I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable in the present. I take risk, I open my heart, I speak about my feelings, my fears, my hope. I am vulnerable today, in this moment, all the time.

[xxoo]

I need to be able to be vulnerable to build intimacy.

 

And I won't be vulnerable if he won't. Need to be equally invested to feel safe.

 

So it's pretty vital for me.

[Satu]

In my own case, I'm very much a 'live in the present, person.'

 

I'm not really interested in anyone's past, but I will listen to someone talk about their past, if I feel like it in the moment, and there's some point to it.

 

To my way of thinking, yesterday is a million years ago. I like to have all of me in the now. Mind Body and Spirit.

 

I very rarely refer to past conversations. I'd rather have a new one about the moment we are experiencing together... Or silence. Silence says more than anything else.

 

How you feel now is all that really matters.