Insecurities in new relationship

[rose27]

I recently started dating a guy I work with. It's been around 4 weeks, but I've been feeling a little unsettled about a few things and I'm not sure if it's just my insecurities or my intuition.

 

We initially had great chemistry and I enjoyed when he came to visit my office at work. We started getting to know each other and things moved pretty quickly. I've been in two physically and emotionally abusive relationships and my last boyfriend was very untrustworthy (I have previous posts about him picking up a girl while we were still together).

 

Anyway, I know my boyfriend is very serious about me and has talked about a long-term future, but I'm concerned about a few things.

 

Firstly, when I initially went to his place after our first date his phone started ringing and I heard a woman crying on the phone when the answering machine picked it up. He had a confused look on his face and tried to tell me that random people call his house all the time. I knew he was lying so when I asked for the truth, he ended up admitting that it was an ex he broke up with years ago and she wouldn't leave him alone. I asked why he didn't contact the police about it but he said if he did she would go to the police and make up some story about him. He showed me his security cameras which he says he recently installed and he claims it was because of her showing up unannounced. I told him I was going to go home because I didn't want to be involved with someone who had that kind of drama in their life but he begged me to stay. He said he was sorry for lying, he just didn't want to ruin what we had and I could see how genuine and sincere he was. He promised that he would sort it out, he just never had a reason to do anything about it so he let it go and put up with the constant calls.

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to stay. Things just naturally progressed from there and I was feeling happy and excited about our relationship. Everything seemed fine until a couple of weeks after the initial incident. I was staying over and his phone was ringing off the hook at 6am on a Saturday. I knew it was her and I was pretty upset about it. He said that he sorted it out but clearly she didn't get the message. He also never mentioned anything to her about me because he feared for my safety due to her mental health issues (according to him). I was very angry so I asked if I could at least have her name. I'll admit that I started losing trust and I wanted to see if I could locate her on social media just to see what I was dealing with. He refused to give me her name because he thought I was going to cause trouble. Later that night, we were out having dinner and he said that he found out she was calling because she wanted some things that belonged to her. I didn't think of this until now, but I realised that perhaps it was a recent break up because that should have been sorted out years ago. I haven't questioned him about this yet. The next day, he told me that he gave her what she wanted and apparently told her not to call anymore because he wasn't interested and as far as I know, he hasn't called since which I still find quite odd. To go from crazily obsessed to no calls whatsoever is really strange to me.

 

Things started to change after this. I felt like I wasn't hanging out with him as often as I was before and my insecurities and paranoia kicked in. Last week he made arrangements to hang out with a male friend all week watching all of the X Men movies and when I told my friends that I wasn't seeing him until the weekend, they all questioned his loyalty to me. Now the seed has been planted and I've been paranoid over the last week. I've also noticed that he prefers to text rather than call me and because I'm overthinking things, I get worried. For example, tonight he sent a text at 6:30 saying 'I'm so tired I'm going to sleep. Goodnight sweet dreams'. I thought it was really early and we didn't have a super late night the night before so I found this strange. I know I sound like a psycho but I think if that girl never called, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

I'm concerned that my insecurities are going to ruin our relationship, but I also wonder if my intuition is trying to tell me something. I have trust issues with men that I need to resolve, but I don't know if I'm just overthinking things with him or if I should genuinely be concerned. When I try to bring it up to him, I feel like I come across as insecure and slightly needy I can't express myself without upsetting him. I don't want to ruin what we have because I love so many things about him and I love how well we connect, but if I just let go of this I feel like our relationship would be even better and I would be more comfortable.

 

I know it's a crazy and complicated story to tell after being with someone for 4 weeks, but does anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? I guess a part of me is trying to protect myself from being hurt like I have been in previous relationships and I'm probably complicating things to avoid getting hurt later on.

[d0nnivain]

Even if it is true & he's an honorable guy think about what kind of nut still leaves crying messages on an EX's answering machine YEARS after they break up who continues to show up unannounced so often that the guy had to spend thousands of dollars on a security system. People are crazy any more. I'd be terrified that his EX was so unbalanced that she would try to hurt me, the new GF. No thanks. You are right to run from that drama.

 

 

The fact that he changed after you expressed what I think are legitimate & logical concerns about this EX tells me he's still more invested in her then you.

[Buddhist]

Sorry, I couldn't get through the entire post, too much information. But the bottom line is this, if you have issues because of whatever in the past, then focus on dealing with your issues first before you do anything else. Doing that may make everything abundantly clear for you. Factoring him and his behaviour into things at this stage is just confusing you.

[katiegrl]

His behavior is very questionable and frankly shady.

 

Yes of course you feel insecure, his behavior, his psycho ex, this entire situation, would cause even the most secure woman to be insecure.

 

He is definitely hiding something....for sure!

 

My guess is he recently broke up with that crazy ex who was crying, etc.

 

He got back together with her which is why she is no longer acting psycho.

 

He is not as available to you now because he is juggling both of you.

 

Get rid!

 

Next!

[SomethingToSay]

It sounds like they either just broke up or he is cheating on her with you. Either way he appears to be lying so you should end it

[Trinity_84]

From persona experience, I will never ever again get involved (I mean emotionally) with someone who still has ex issues. Just absolutely not worth it.

Doesn't matter if they're amazing and bla bla bla.

 

If someone can't leave the past in the past and tries to start something with me, I see it as a huge red flag.

[Satu]

He sounds very shady to me.

 

Proceed with caution.

[spiderowl]

I don't think you are acting crazy or insecure at all. You are right to be concerned about what's going on. It all sounds very strange. Having said that, women do stalk too. What surprises me is his talk about her needing something from the house (which also suggests a very recent break-up). Still, he could have installed security because she is over the top.

 

I think I would lay the law down here. Say if he wants to continue with you, he needs to let you know who she is and what happened. How recent was this break up? Why did he install security and when? If he wants to be with you, he will realise he must come clean about it all. Then you can see what's happening.

 

If he drifts off, then maybe there is still some involvement there. It doesn't explain the cameras though. In the UK, a woman who has doubts about whether her partner is possibly violent or not can contact the police to ask them to check. Is something like this a possibility? At least you would know then whether this guy has something to hide or not or if he is just dealing with a crazy ex.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You have valid concerns.

 

However, my brother has a stalker ex with whom he broke up over 10 years ago. She still calls/emails all the time. She shows up randomly. He had taken out a restraining order against her which she breaks regularly and goes to jail. As soon as she is released, she contacts him again. Her e-mails are deeply disturbing but she doesn't directly threaten him so police is not doing much. My brother is in the process of selling his house and moving to get away from it all.

 

He didn't hesitate to involve the police though and he has given his fiance full transparency in terms of when, how and content of the contact. He also hasn't responded to any of ex's contact in over 8 years.

 

 

Unfortunately, your guy is most likely cheating.

[RedPurpleOrange]

My main concern is that he spent a week watching the X-Men movies.

 

 

Crimson flag!!!!!!!!

[Dis]

Sorry for posting in bold print in the OP's thread. Still figuring out how quoting works on here.

 

I recently started dating a guy I work with. It's been around 4 weeks, but I've been feeling a little unsettled about a few things and I'm not sure if it's just my insecurities or my intuition.

 

We initially had great chemistry and I enjoyed when he came to visit my office at work. We started getting to know each other and things moved pretty quickly. I've been in two physically and emotionally abusive relationships and my last boyfriend was very untrustworthy (I have previous posts about him picking up a girl while we were still together).

 

Anyway, I know my boyfriend is very serious about me and has talked about a long-term future, but I'm concerned about a few things.

 

Firstly, when I initially went to his place after our first date his phone started ringing and I heard a woman crying on the phone when the answering machine picked it up. He had a confused look on his face and tried to tell me that random people call his house all the time.

He lied....I'd be done right there. Liars never change.....dont ever expect them too hun! You will never get the truth out of them....you'll only get hurt.

 

I knew he was lying so when I asked for the truth, he ended up admitting that it was an ex he broke up with years ago and she wouldn't leave him alone.

 

I'm pretty sure he can block her calls so this is a lie too

 

I asked why he didn't contact the police about it but he said if he did she would go to the police and make up some story about him.

 

This is sketchy. Why would she do this??? Shes either crazy or he's hurt her badly.....which mean he might hurt you too

 

He showed me his security cameras which he says he recently installed and he claims it was because of her showing up unannounced. I told him I was going to go home because I didn't want to be involved with someone who had that kind of drama in their life but he begged me to stay.

 

Shouldve gone home and ended it right there

 

He said he was sorry for lying, he just didn't want to ruin what we had and I could see how genuine and sincere he was. He promised that he would sort it out, he just never had a reason to do anything about it so he let it go and put up with the constant calls.

 

He could stop these calls if he blocked her. Theres a reason why he's not blocking her....probably because theyre still invloved in some way.

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to stay. Things just naturally progressed from there and I was feeling happy and excited about our relationship. Everything seemed fine until a couple of weeks after the initial incident. I was staying over and his phone was ringing off the hook at 6am on a Saturday.

 

Mhmmm god hun, what more do you need...walk away! He's either still invloved with her (why would she call nonstop if he wasnt....unless shes completly crazy) Or hes got crazy ex drama...I wouldnt want that either!

 

I knew it was her and I was pretty upset about it. He said that he sorted it out but clearly she didn't get the message. He also never mentioned anything to her about me because he feared for my safety due to her mental health issues (according to him).

 

No, he doesnt want you finding out who she is because he's still invloved with her...I get it now...its not crazy ex drama...they are still seeing each other in some way.

 

 

I was very angry so I asked if I could at least have her name. I'll admit that I started losing trust and I wanted to see if I could locate her on social media just to see what I was dealing with. He refused to give me her name because he thought I was going to cause trouble. Later that night, we were out having dinner and he said that he found out she was calling because she wanted some things that belonged to her.

 

Caught red handed! She still has stuff at his place but they broke up a few years ago?!?! Ok hun....wake up and walk now!

 

I didn't think of this until now, but I realised that perhaps it was a recent break up because that should have been sorted out years ago. I haven't questioned him about this yet. The next day, he told me that he gave her what she wanted and apparently told her not to call anymore because he wasn't interested and as far as I know, he hasn't called since which I still find quite odd. To go from crazily obsessed to no calls whatsoever is really strange to me.

 

Thats because this is strange! Fishy fishy. Always go with your gut! He probably convinced her to stop calling for awhile so he could put your mind at ease (fool you) for the time being

 

Things started to change after this. I felt like I wasn't hanging out with him as often as I was before and my insecurities and paranoia kicked in.

 

He was probably with her!

 

 

Last week he made arrangements to hang out with a male friend all week watching all of the X Men movies and when I told my friends that I wasn't seeing him until the weekend, they all questioned his loyalty to me. Now the seed has been planted and I've been paranoid over the last week. I've also noticed that he prefers to text rather than call me and because I'm overthinking things, I get worried.

 

He's texting you because he cant call you when he's with her. And your not being paranoid....youre seeing the truth of this ugly situation...but youre still not wanting to admit whats going on

For example, tonight he sent a text at 6:30 saying 'I'm so tired I'm going to sleep. Goodnight sweet dreams'. I thought it was really early and we didn't have a super late night the night before so I found this strange. I know I sound like a psycho but I think if that girl never called, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

I'm concerned that my insecurities are going to ruin our relationship, but I also wonder if my intuition is trying to tell me something.

 

Its not insecurities...its intution. Listen to it.

 

I have trust issues with men that I need to resolve, but I don't know if I'm just overthinking things with him or if I should genuinely be concerned. When I try to bring it up to him, I feel like I come across as insecure and slightly needy I can't express myself without upsetting him. I don't want to ruin what we have because I love so many things about him and I love how well we connect, but if I just let go of this I feel like our relationship would be even better and I would be more comfortable.

 

I know it's a crazy and complicated story to tell after being with someone for 4 weeks, but does anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? I guess a part of me is trying to protect myself from being hurt like I have been in previous relationships and I'm probably complicating things to avoid getting hurt later on.

 

 

Hun....there are sooooo many countles red flags here! Wake up and smell the coffee! Get out now.

 

As a woman who was with a liar for 2 and a half years I can see what you cant here. Pls believe what I'm saying to you.

 

You havent found a good one...you found a liar.

 

I'm really sorry hun, I know this hurts but its time to check out

[azaleigha]

Obviously it's hard to know with just one side of the story, but you seem wary and suspicious enough that it might be worth trying to find out more, or even just cutting your losses and finding someone who doesn't raise so many suspicions. Do the two of you have any friends in common, or does he have any friends at work you might be able to talk to? Maybe they would know more about his situation with this woman and could shed at least a little bit of light onto what's going on. Other than that, sometimes it's important to listen to our gut. From what yo said, you've had suspicions about him from the beginning. It might be worth it to take some time to explore that - maybe take a break if you're not ready to end things entirely, and see what your heart's telling you apart from him. God gave us wisdom to help us live our lives the best we can. You certainly deserve to be treated well and respectfully by the person to whom you give so much of your trust, so make sure that he - whoever he might be - is truly worthy of that trust. Blessings, friend. I hope you're able to find peace about this, whatever the outcome.

[tinkerbell16]

I recently started dating a guy I work with. It's been around 4 weeks, but I've been feeling a little unsettled about a few things and I'm not sure if it's just my insecurities or my intuition.

 

We initially had great chemistry and I enjoyed when he came to visit my office at work. We started getting to know each other and things moved pretty quickly. I've been in two physically and emotionally abusive relationships and my last boyfriend was very untrustworthy (I have previous posts about him picking up a girl while we were still together).

 

Anyway, I know my boyfriend is very serious about me and has talked about a long-term future, but I'm concerned about a few things.

 

Firstly, when I initially went to his place after our first date his phone started ringing and I heard a woman crying on the phone when the answering machine picked it up. He had a confused look on his face and tried to tell me that random people call his house all the time. I knew he was lying so when I asked for the truth, he ended up admitting that it was an ex he broke up with years ago and she wouldn't leave him alone. I asked why he didn't contact the police about it but he said if he did she would go to the police and make up some story about him. He showed me his security cameras which he says he recently installed and he claims it was because of her showing up unannounced. I told him I was going to go home because I didn't want to be involved with someone who had that kind of drama in their life but he begged me to stay. He said he was sorry for lying, he just didn't want to ruin what we had and I could see how genuine and sincere he was. He promised that he would sort it out, he just never had a reason to do anything about it so he let it go and put up with the constant calls.

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to stay. Things just naturally progressed from there and I was feeling happy and excited about our relationship. Everything seemed fine until a couple of weeks after the initial incident. I was staying over and his phone was ringing off the hook at 6am on a Saturday. I knew it was her and I was pretty upset about it. He said that he sorted it out but clearly she didn't get the message. He also never mentioned anything to her about me because he feared for my safety due to her mental health issues (according to him). I was very angry so I asked if I could at least have her name. I'll admit that I started losing trust and I wanted to see if I could locate her on social media just to see what I was dealing with. He refused to give me her name because he thought I was going to cause trouble. Later that night, we were out having dinner and he said that he found out she was calling because she wanted some things that belonged to her. I didn't think of this until now, but I realised that perhaps it was a recent break up because that should have been sorted out years ago. I haven't questioned him about this yet. The next day, he told me that he gave her what she wanted and apparently told her not to call anymore because he wasn't interested and as far as I know, he hasn't called since which I still find quite odd. To go from crazily obsessed to no calls whatsoever is really strange to me.

 

Things started to change after this. I felt like I wasn't hanging out with him as often as I was before and my insecurities and paranoia kicked in. Last week he made arrangements to hang out with a male friend all week watching all of the X Men movies and when I told my friends that I wasn't seeing him until the weekend, they all questioned his loyalty to me. Now the seed has been planted and I've been paranoid over the last week. I've also noticed that he prefers to text rather than call me and because I'm overthinking things, I get worried. For example, tonight he sent a text at 6:30 saying 'I'm so tired I'm going to sleep. Goodnight sweet dreams'. I thought it was really early and we didn't have a super late night the night before so I found this strange. I know I sound like a psycho but I think if that girl never called, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

I'm concerned that my insecurities are going to ruin our relationship, but I also wonder if my intuition is trying to tell me something. I have trust issues with men that I need to resolve, but I don't know if I'm just overthinking things with him or if I should genuinely be concerned. When I try to bring it up to him, I feel like I come across as insecure and slightly needy I can't express myself without upsetting him. I don't want to ruin what we have because I love so many things about him and I love how well we connect, but if I just let go of this I feel like our relationship would be even better and I would be more comfortable.

 

I know it's a crazy and complicated story to tell after being with someone for 4 weeks, but does anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? I guess a part of me is trying to protect myself from being hurt like I have been in previous relationships and I'm probably complicating things to avoid getting hurt later on.

 

Listen to your gut. Too many fishy events. He already told you he lied. People will usually tell you who they really are pretty early on... you just need to listen. I would end it before you get more involved. He sounds like a bunch of drama.

[joseb]

I'd add another red flag - you have only just met and he is talking about the long term future - too much too soon.

 

Sounds like he has just broken up with this woman - not sure why he is lying and saying it's years ago, makes no sense, unless he was seeing her while with you (and possibly is again now).

 

It's been what, four weeks? I'd be walking - trying to figure out things/resolve issues is for relationships that have lasted some length of time.

[SilverAccount]

Focus on getting yourself through your own problems before going with this guy, he sounds like a stand up dude. Talk to him and give yourself some space to get over your previous insecurities. So many people struggle with this your not alone. Time heals all wounds.