No commitment after a year

[Leigh 87]

Wow. This is bad.

 

 

I don't believe all men will necessarily introduce their kids after 1 year even if they are super head over heels. Kids can have problems and not all kids are easy going or accepting. While MOST men would have introduced you to their children by now, this in an of itself is not necessarily an obvious sign that a guy isn't invested.....

 

 

 

The fact no one else knows you're official is DEFINITELY. 100%. UNEQUIVOCALLY. A sign that he JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU. Sure, men aren't sappy and gushy about girls. Yet when a man's crazy about you, they want to show you off! They want to shout from the roof tops that they have found a nice girlfriend!

 

 

He is using you as a place holder. Many men do this inadvertently. Most men don't realize they are doing it. My ex sure didn't consciously think " oh well I'm using this girl until the love of my life comes along; I like Leigh well enough hut I'm not into her enough to fall hard for hsd so I'll just keep her around for convenience until miss perfect comes around. .."

 

Men aren't all jerks. They genuinely don't know what they're doing a lot of the time! They just meet someone, like them and as long as there is some chemistry and SOME degree of romantic feelings, then they are all good to go! Of course until they meet that girl that makes them weak in the knees.

[agnes21]

Okay wait, something must have gotten lost in translation. His brother (only sibling) and best friends know about me and I've hung out with them on several occasions. I haven't met his kids and his parents are deceased. I've also met a couple of his coworkers, but that doesn't really count to me. Hope this clears things up.

[SomethingToSay]

Agnes you were on the right path at start of thread then started making excuses it seems. Its ridiculous that he cant give you what you want now. Why not?? What os keeping him from introducing you to friend or coworker or family?? This is really bad.

 

He is just giving you words to maintain the status quo. Bc there is simply no legit reason why a man cant tell these people about you.

 

Break up with him, via phone if u don't want in person, and cut your losses.

[SomethingToSay]

Do these people that you met know you are his girlfriend? You said the entire world thinks he is single. Or something like that. That not a single person knows he is in a relationship. Thats whats alarming moreso than the children but that as well.

 

How long has he been divorced?

[agnes21]

i come from parents of divorce. i can tell you i HATED the guy my mom dated and later married. it wasn't because he was a bad guy. but i was a preteen and had no patience for this intruder in my life. i did not smooth things out with him until way after college.

 

my dad- he didn't even try to tell me anything about who he dated..he got remarried and didnt tell me until after. his wife is a cheap, racist b-tch that talked sh-t about me to the rest of the family. i didnt find out about it until years later when my cousin told me. luckily she is from another country and after we butted heads, decided to stay there instead of moving into my dad's house where i lived. (my dad splits his time, but mostly spends it out of the country)

 

i'm telling you this because at the beginning of your post, i thought maybe he was trying to protect you from drama in the family. once he introduces you to his kids, then you have to meet the ex-wife as well...and if the kids or she doesnt approve, all hell will break loose.

 

BUT...then you said NO ONE ELSE in his life knows about you....THAT IS CRAZY--- he should have friends and other family or coworkers you should have met by now!! unless he is a hermit and very antisocial, it makes no sense that a year in only one other person knows about you and he still won't call you his girlfriend...that alone makes me think he is cheating on you, or the very least, keeping his options open.

 

so now what to do-

 

have the official break up talk. do it with calmness and class. tell him you appreciate the good times you had together. you want more than he is willing to give and you accept that. tell him the truth- that you are starting to resent him and you dont want that in a relationship. wish him well.

 

you are carrying a lot of resentment that is not going to help you any. realize a lot of your anguish is anger at yourself for staying with this guy despite the red flags. by being the bigger person and having this talk (calmly and without anger), you will feel better about yourself moving forward.

 

he will also see how classy you are being and respect you for it. if he is a decent person, then he will appreciate your honesty and kindness. this will also make you feel better about yourself.

 

make it a clean break. have this breakup talk. make it as long as necessary. think about ahead of time everything you want to say- DO NOT bring up accusations and try to start a fight. this is about expressing how you feel you cannot move on with him, thanking him for the good times, and wishing him well. THAT IS ALL. be kind, be gentle. DO NOT let him talk you into getting back together- remember, you've already brought up your concerns repeatedly and he has not done anything about them. THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. anything he says here will be just out of empty desperation.

 

then after this talk, NO MORE CONTACT!!!! you cannot be friends with this person, at least not for the next year, so don't even try.

 

i dont know how many major breakups you've had in your life and if you have a certain way of coping. what helps me is getting a calendar where each day is a sizeable square...and i mark the day we broke up, and i mark an 'x' on every day that passes that i dont speak to him.

 

when you see the 'x's accumulate, you will see the work you are actively doing to progress in your life. the more 'x's you see, the less you will want to ruin it by contacting him. eventually you won't need to see this calendar anymore to know you don't need him.

 

Thanks so much for this! It really helps to get some perspective from the other side. I clarified the issue about no one knowing about me, that was inaccurate. I don't know if that changes anything.

 

I did have a major breakup back in 2013. I did something very similar to the calendar method. I can handle another breakup, it's just for me once I've made up my mind there's definitely no going back. I'm gone forever. Which is why this is requiring so much thought. Even if he says things will change post-breakup, it would be too late and I'd still disappear.

[agnes21]

Do these people that you met know you are his girlfriend? You said the entire world thinks he is single. Or something like that. That not a single person knows he is in a relationship. Thats whats alarming moreso than the children but that as well.

 

How long has he been divorced?

 

No, I said women think he's single. And yes, people I've met know we are dating. They love me and say he's been a better man because of me. They don't want me to go anywhere either.

[agnes21]

Agnes you were on the right path at start of thread then started making excuses it seems. Its ridiculous that he cant give you what you want now. Why not?? What os keeping him from introducing you to friend or coworker or family?? This is really bad.

 

He is just giving you words to maintain the status quo. Bc there is simply no legit reason why a man cant tell these people about you.

 

Break up with him, via phone if u don't want in person, and cut your losses.

 

I can see why it looks like I'm making excuses. I'm really just providing more information/details based on questions/responses that come up.

[agnes21]

How long has he been divorced?

 

4 years divorced, 2 years separated before that

[agnes21]

Wow. This is bad.

 

 

I don't believe all men will necessarily introduce their kids after 1 year even if they are super head over heels. Kids can have problems and not all kids are easy going or accepting. While MOST men would have introduced you to their children by now, this in an of itself is not necessarily an obvious sign that a guy isn't invested.....

 

 

 

The fact no one else knows you're official is DEFINITELY. 100%. UNEQUIVOCALLY. A sign that he JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU. Sure, men aren't sappy and gushy about girls. Yet when a man's crazy about you, they want to show you off! They want to shout from the roof tops that they have found a nice girlfriend!

 

 

He is using you as a place holder. Many men do this inadvertently. Most men don't realize they are doing it. My ex sure didn't consciously think " oh well I'm using this girl until the love of my life comes along; I like Leigh well enough hut I'm not into her enough to fall hard for hsd so I'll just keep her around for convenience until miss perfect comes around. .."

 

Men aren't all jerks. They genuinely don't know what they're doing a lot of the time! They just meet someone, like them and as long as there is some chemistry and SOME degree of romantic feelings, then they are all good to go! Of course until they meet that girl that makes them weak in the knees.

 

I totally agree with this! Especially about how these things are done unconsciously and inadvertently.

[kidm]

How do you reconcile the fact that he loves you but most of the people who know him, don't know you exist and that he's in love. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is indeed hesitant about introducing his kids to a new woman and wants sometime on that. I'm still trying to understand what he needs more time to think about related to the relationship. You two can still be in a more serious relationship where you're a true couple that *everyone* knows about and the kids thing can happen gradually if that's his only worry. What I'm getting is that irrespective of his kids, he's not sure about you. Love is not enough. I love you are just words. Focus on his actions - at this time his actions leave very little to be desired. If you are looking for a committed relationship which will eventually led to kids and marriage, you should seriously consider how long you are willing to wait because I doubt he is going to change his mind anytime soon, if at all.The fact that the couple of people who know you exist want you two to be together and don't want you to go anywhere is irrelevant. "If you like it then you should have put a [real commitment] on it. You're not asking him for a walk down the aisle for pete's sake! what you're asking (which shouldn't be a question at all) is what should be the natural progression of a relationship.

Edited May 22, 2016 by kidm
Typo

[tayriley]

 

No one except his brother and best friend know about me. Women everywhere think he's single.

 

 

Why would you write this? If this isn't true, then it completely changes the conversation...all the commenters on here think that he is blatantly lying to everyone except these two people about being single. But now we know he isn't. The only people that don't know are his kids and ex-wife.

 

Who are these 'women everywhere'??? if his coworkers (who he spends the most time around) know about you, then i'm guessing women in the office place know he isn't single...so what woman are you really worried about him cheating on you with??? the ex-wife??

[agnes21]

How do you reconcile the fact that he loves you but most of the people who know him, don't know you exist and that he's in love. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is indeed hesitant about introducing his kids to a new woman and wants sometime on that. I'm still trying to understand what he needs more time to think about related to the relationship. You two can still be in a more serious relationship where you're a true couple that *everyone* knows about and the kids thing can happen gradually if that's his only worry. What I'm getting is that irrespective of his kids, he's not sure about you. Love is not enough. I love you are just words. Focus on his actions - at this time his actions leave very little to be desired. If you are looking for a committed relationship which will eventually led to kids and marriage, you should seriously consider how long you are willing to wait because I doubt he is going to change his mind anytime soon, if at all.The fact that the couple of people who know you exist want you two to be together and don't want you to go anywhere is irrelevant. "If you like it then you should have put a [real commitment] on it. You're not asking him for a walk down the aisle for pete's sake! what you're asking (which shouldn't be a question at all) is what should be the natural progression of a relationship.

 

This is exactly how I feel. It's also why his texts/call didnt do much for me because it's words, words, words.

[mortensorchid]

I hate to say this, and also hate to ask, but has either of you said "I love you" to the other? If you have not said it by now, it ain't gonna happen. Not because of something else (his kids, for example), it's because it just ain't gonna happen because one party does not want it to happen. End of story.

 

The older I get the more I see that so many things are clear. Facts are facts, they may not be pleasant facts, but they are what they are. Best to leave now or you'll be even more hurt in the long run.

[agnes21]

Why would you write this? If this isn't true, then it completely changes the conversation...all the commenters on here think that he is blatantly lying to everyone except these two people about being single. But now we know he isn't. The only people that don't know are his kids and ex-wife.

 

Who are these 'women everywhere'??? if his coworkers (who he spends the most time around) know about you, then i'm guessing women in the office place know he isn't single...so what woman are you really worried about him cheating on you with??? the ex-wife??

 

That was a typo on my part. It was supposed to say his brother and best friendS, which I corrected in another post. I also didn't think coworkers knowing me mattered because that's not significant to me.

 

The rest of his family don't know about me. His other friends don't know about me. His ex wife doesn't know about me. Catch my drift?

 

By women everywhere, I mean in general terms. For example, one of his female friends thought he was single and was coming on to him. Or when another friend tried to set him up with his friend who was into him. (He shot down both and was honest with me about it.) He's also on the road a lot for work, so he's not just in the office all the time and such.

 

I don't worry that he'll cheat. If a man wanted to cheat he'll cheat. But if everyone knew he was in a relationship, they wouldn't try to set him up, come onto him, etc. Does that make sense?

[agnes21]

I hate to say this, and also hate to ask, but has either of you said "I love you" to the other? If you have not said it by now, it ain't gonna happen. Not because of something else (his kids, for example), it's because it just ain't gonna happen because one party does not want it to happen. End of story.

 

The older I get the more I see that so many things are clear. Facts are facts, they may not be pleasant facts, but they are what they are. Best to leave now or you'll be even more hurt in the long run.

 

Yes we've both said I love you and the things he does shows me that. He's always there for me, drops everything when I need him, showers me with affection and all that good stuff. Except for, oh, this huge elephant in the room.

[tayriley]

i find your responses to be very vague and this thread in general to be aggravating because you keep contradicting yourself. you say he shot down advances from other women or being set up--- when he shot them down, did he SAY he has a girlfriend? or did he just say he's not interested??

 

because it is totally plausible that a female friend that ISN'T close wouldnt know he has a girlfriend. ...so who cares what these people think if they aren't his best friends??? i have plenty of casual friends that have no idea what is going on in my dating life. if they asked, i'd tell them, but just by the fact i dont speak or hang with them regularly, they wouldnt know if i had a bf or not.

 

and WHAT OTHER FAMILY doesn't know about you if his parents are gone and his brother knows??? you want to go to a family reunion or something and meet third cousins??

 

does he call you his girlfriend to his best friends?? does he call you 'girlfriend' at all??

 

you wrote so much yet said so little. my entire last post seems like a waste because i didn't get all of the correct information.

 

i dont think a year is long to not introduce you to his kids or ex-wife. he is sheltering them and you from potential disastrous outcome. (what if his ex hates you and says he cant see the kids if you are around?? what if his kids hate you and want him to break up with you?? he is protecting the relationship from judgement at this point and trying to enjoy that lack of pressure.) if you are unhappy with this, then break up with him.

 

if the main important people in his life know you are his gf, then i really dont see what the problem is. but clearly you are unhappy with something, so it seems you should just break up anyway. you can't push someone else to do what they dont want to do. you can only control your own actions.

[angel.eyes]

That was a typo on my part. It was supposed to say his brother and best friendS, which I corrected in another post. I also didn't think coworkers knowing me mattered because that's not significant to me.

 

The rest of his family don't know about me. His other friends don't know about me. His ex wife doesn't know about me. Catch my drift?

 

By women everywhere, I mean in general terms. For example, one of his female friends thought he was single and was coming on to him. Or when another friend tried to set him up with his friend who was into him. (He shot down both and was honest with me about it.) He's also on the road a lot for work, so he's not just in the office all the time and such.

 

I don't worry that he'll cheat. If a man wanted to cheat he'll cheat. But if everyone knew he was in a relationship, they wouldn't try to set him up, come onto him, etc. Does that make sense?

It's pretty clear that you're very emotionally invested and want this to progress. The problem is that it takes two. Both people need to want the relationship to move forward. Right now, his needs are met by the status quo and he has zero interest in progressing things with you. In fact, quite the opposite. He's keeping his options open, and aside from a handful of people, maintaining a facade that he's single and unattached.

 

Let's face it, despite you defending his choices, at the end of the day, the vast majority of people in his life are totally unaware that you date him. The women in his life are all under the impression he's single. His co-workers all think he's single, and so too do most of his friends. That's why they're setting him up on dates. You're completely hidden from view. Why? He wants to be seen as single when the right woman for him comes around. Add to that, your comment that you aren't official. You've dated for a year!!! How is that even acceptable to you a year in? Unfortunately, rather than accept that you're on different pages, want different things out of dating each other, and move on, you choose to hang in there and seem to have "compromised" with yourself to the point that you've given up what you wanted. That's why you're resentful.

 

His choices and actions are clearly telling you where you stand in his life. That's his prerogative. He's not wasting your time. You are! Don't resent him. Be angry at yourself and learn from your choice to continue to stick around despite wanting different things. He stopped discussing having you meet people in his life six months ago. At a year, you're still trying to get him to be "official." You can't make him want to be official with you. All you get to decide is how long you stick around and continue to hope...another year? Five years? Until he meets the person he wants a relationship with and drops you?

 

A big part of dating is recognizing whether the other person wants the same things that you do...with you...accepting when they don't, and looking elsewhere for someone who actually does.

[Cherryz]

I understand that he have to be carefull with introducing the kids to new gfs.

 

But how can it be that no one knows about you?

This should be a reason for you to break it off and move on.

 

It looks like he is not really into you or sure about you.

If you guys met and also know each other for 1 year, that means you not know eachother well. So it takes time to get to know each other.

But either way if you crazy about someone you dont keep it secret.

 

And he barely text you also. That most be enough signs for you to leave him.

He is wasting your time with stupid standard words that people say to each-other.

If you see this words are not matching up, leave!

 

Start worry about yourself and your feelings and time. Since he is only worrying about his!!!!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

He is wasting your time.

 

Sorry OP, but you know it. He can say whatever he wants; his actions don't support his words.

 

He's keeping you at a distance for a reason. The kids are not the only factor here. You're not in an official relationship after a year, women think he's single, many family members and friends have no idea you exist - the writing is on the wall. It's bad.

 

You can drag this out if you want, but you already see he's not making an effort to rectify this. That should be all you need to know.

 

Personally, I wouldn't allow myself to be treated like some mystery woman. Actually scratch that, I wouldn't allow myself to be kept a secret at all, with so many people no knowing I'm even in the picture.

 

I dated a man like this. (minus the children) Sure, his immediate family knew who I was and some friends, but he resisted making it "official" and plenty of people didn't know about me at all. There was a reason, and it wasn't a good one. I'd get out now.

Edited May 22, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Cherryz]

Ps: Have a conversation with him. And tell him what you need from him and feel.

I hope it works out even thou i have my doubts.

[Emilia]

His co-workers do matter. Before I started seeing a guy I worked with I had heard him talk about a woman once on vague terms that was some kind of an FWB he kept away from everyone and that it wasn't serious. He called it an arrangement that suited him, I never met her obviously so I don't know her side of the story.

 

Apart from this one time - when we were out for drinks and a bit drunk - I never heard him mention her and she was definitely a place holder, yes.