No commitment after a year

[agnes21]

By June I will have dated this guy for A YEAR. Although we are exclusive, he says he can't fully give me what I want because his kids -- 10 year old daughter, 7 year old son -- aren't ready. In my world, if a man really wanted to commit, he would do it and take care of the rest later. So what I heard was HE isn't ready. He said I am wrong and he just needs time.

 

I don't know how much more time I'm supposed to give.

 

I am not asking to get married tomorrow. I'm asking to be more a part of each other's lives. Like in a REAL relationship. No one except his brother and best friend know about me. Women everywhere think he's single. Yes, that makes me insecure, even if he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

I know he genuinely cares about me, but what he's giving isn't enough. I'm starting to feel more and more alone and lonely. I love him, but I'm also 32 and I'm starting to feel like maybe I will find the kind of commitment I'm looking for with someone else.

 

I understand that his kids come first, but I'd like to at least see that he's working towards getting them ready for their father to be in a new relationship. The last time he's even mentioned me meeting them was 6 months ago! Feels a lot like he's stalling.

 

We had this talk last week and I've been unintentionally distant since. I feel rejected and uncared for. It makes me not want to be loving towards him because all of this hurts and it's like I'm continuing to invest myself for nothing.

 

I feel like I'm left with no choice but to move on, even if I don't want to. It's not like he's running after me either, just a couple texts and a call. I do love him and don't want to hurt him either.

 

How do I go about this? Do I give it an official break? Stay distant until he comes around? Give it more time and try being okay for another 6 months?

 

To be honest I don't want to break up. I kinda want to just let go and not do anything. Let the cards fall where they may. If he doesn't come after me, then he doesn't.

 

What would you do??

[preraph]

You should just tell him you don't feel you can remain exclusive at one year with him still not calling you his girlfriend or whatever and seeing no end in sight to the kids "not being ready." Kids may never be ready, but a parent is supposed to manage that and if they've been raised to at least be polite and respectful of adults, that's a good start.

 

I'd be suspicious there's still something going on with his ex, or the hope of it. There's little reason to hide you for no reason other than that.

[agnes21]

I forgot to mention that he was a bit upset with me after we had the conversation. He said he felt like I was accusing him of wasting my time, which he said is so untrue becaus he really does love me and wants a future with me.

 

I told him I don't want his words, I want to see action.

 

I don't know what to do...

[kidm]

I'm not sure what he needs more time for...to tell his kids about you? why about all the others who think he is single? what's his excuse for that? After one year, if you have to ask a man to make it official and be in a real relationship, that speaks volumes imo. I'd cut my losses and move on. His excuse that his kids are not ready is such a cop out!

[CarrieT]

Let me get this straight - after a YEAR you haven't met his kids?!?

[agnes21]

Let me get this straight - after a YEAR you haven't met his kids?!?

 

Yes, and this would be okay with me IF we were making progress towards it. But we're not!

 

I feel that there is something he is not telling me and it's making me upset!

[agnes21]

You should just tell him you don't feel you can remain exclusive at one year with him still not calling you his girlfriend or whatever and seeing no end in sight to the kids "not being ready." Kids may never be ready, but a parent is supposed to manage that and if they've been raised to at least be polite and respectful of adults, that's a good start.

 

I'd be suspicious there's still something going on with his ex, or the hope of it. There's little reason to hide you for no reason other than that.

 

That's what I told him, and that's when he responded with the "so, what, you think I'm wasting your time???"

 

I don't think it has to do with his ex. Who knows.

[Dis]

I've said this before on a different thread...people dont change. What you see now is what you get. It would be a complete waste of time to stick around waiting for a change that will never happen. He's shown you for a year who he really is and what he has to give...believe him and move on hun

[agnes21]

I've said this before on a different thread...people dont change. What you see now is what you get. It would be a complete waste of time to stick around waiting for a change that will never happen. He's shown you for a year who he really is and what he has to give...believe him and move on hun

 

Thanks and I agree with you.

 

I don't even feel like giving it an official break up. Just go no contact and move on with my life. I think that's what I HAVE been doing. Is this in poor taste?

[Gaeta]

 

I feel rejected and uncared for. It makes me not want to be loving towards him because all of this hurts and it's like I'm continuing to invest myself for nothing.

 

You feel that way because you are being rejected and uncared for.

 

It's ridiculous that you know no one after a year and have never met his kids. You know this.

 

He is full of excuses and it will never get anywhere.

 

At 32 you know what you want so does he. You don't need to invest any more time in this.

 

I vote to break up. Don't be those women who wait 4-5 years to get to the same conclusion.

[agnes21]

I mean. We were never official. Why should I give him the courtesy of a break? Is that mean? I feel led on and resentful a bit.

[Gaeta]

Thanks and I agree with you.

 

I don't even feel like giving it an official break up. Just go no contact and move on with my life. I think that's what I HAVE been doing. Is this in poor taste?

 

Treat people the way you want to be treated. Would you like a man just ignores you and go no contact? Break up.

[Gaeta]

I mean. We were never official. Why should I give him the courtesy of a break? Is that mean? I feel led on and resentful a bit.

 

You said in your original post you were exclusive.

 

End that exclusivity.

 

No contact and ignoring is the path of least resistance, is that you? Put your big girl pants on and break up.

[agnes21]

Treat people the way you want to be treated. Would you like a man just ignores you and go no contact? Break up.

 

Well to me the conversation we had was definitive. He said he can't give me more right now, I said it's been a year and I don't know if I can go any longer not being official. He said he didn't know what to do and I went home.

 

We didn't actually break up, but it was clear that we wanted different things. Like I said he's not really reaching out for me either, which is fueling me wanting to just disappear.

[Gaeta]

Well to me the conversation we had was definitive. He said he can't give me more right now, I said it's been a year and I don't know if I can go any longer not being official. He said he didn't know what to do and I went home.

 

We didn't actually break up, but it was clear that we wanted different things. Like I said he's not really reaching out for me either, which is fueling me wanting to just disappear.

 

Breaking up is more for you than it is for him.

 

If you don't put an official end to it you will keep on wondering when and if he'll get back to you. It will delay your process of moving on. If you break up officially then it's definite and no wondering.. You move on from there.

[agnes21]

Breaking up is more for you than it is for him.

 

If you don't put an official end to it you will keep on wondering when and if he'll get back to you. It will delay your process of moving on. If you break up officially then it's definite and no wondering.. You move on from there.

 

I get what you mean, but it doesn't make a difference to me personally. Once I make a decision to move on, that is my end. I don't do any wondering, regardless of whether there was an official break.

[agnes21]

What do you guys think about him not reaching out much? Is he taking the time out to think? Or waiting for me to signal that it's safe?

[Gaeta]

What do you guys think about him not reaching out much? Is he taking the time out to think? Or waiting for me to signal that it's safe?

 

He spoke his peace, he is waiting to see if you're gonna take it or leave it.

 

No he is not thinking.

[Dis]

I get what you mean, but it doesn't make a difference to me personally. Once I make a decision to move on, that is my end. I don't do any wondering, regardless of whether there was an official break.

 

I'm the same way. Once I make up my mind I'm done...I'm 100% done. With that said...you guys dated for a year...a year...thats not a short period of time. I think you should have the official break up talk. View it as your time to speak your piece.

 

Like Gaeta said...its for you not him.

 

Plus if you have the talk he wont continue to text you and call, having no idea its over.

[angel.eyes]

What do you guys think about him not reaching out much? Is he taking the time out to think? Or waiting for me to signal that it's safe?

 

This is precisely why Gaeta recommended you formally breakup with him! You're still hoping he'll come chasing after you and agree to start opening up his life to you. You're still hoping he comes to his senses and agrees to want what you want from this arrangement.

 

You both know you're wasting your time at this point. That's why he brought it up. You didn't have to broach the subject. He did it for you.

 

Honestly, a year and still practically no one in his life knows about you?!? A year and you also aren't really official, you say? And he stopped talking about you meeting his kids or others in his life six months ago? I don't mean to be hurtful, but at this point you're clearly just a place holder until he finds the right person for him. It's not going to be you, unfortunately.

 

You're the only one worried about whether this will work out. He's not contacting you because he has no intention of giving you more. If you leave, so be it! If you waver and eventually stick around, he'll continue until he finds the right person for him. There's a reason almost no one (not just his kids) knows about you at a year of dating...but not being "official," whatever that means. There's a reason most people in his life are under the impression he's single and not coupled up.

 

You're 32, not 20. Find someone who wants the same things you do. It won't be with him.

Edited May 22, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Gershwin]

You don't need to break up formally if you don't want to. He may have thought you guys are broken up already or he'd think it's a ploy for you to reach out to him. Always believe a guy when he's unwilling to offer more in a relationship, and not stay in the hope that one day he'd change. Be thankful that it's a year, not 5, and move on for good. It's an awful situation to be in. All the best xx

[agnes21]

This is precisely why Gaeta recommended you formally breakup with him! You're still hoping he'll come chasing after you and agree to start opening up his life to you. You're still hoping he comes to his senses and agrees to want what you want from this arrangement.

 

You both know you're wasting your time at this point. That's why he brought it up. You didn't have to broach the subject. He did it for you.

 

Honestly, a year and still practically no one in his life knows about you?!? A year and you also aren't really official, you say? And he stopped talking about you meeting his kids or others in his life six months ago? I don't mean to be hurtful, but at this point you're clearly just a place holder until he finds the right person for him. It's not going to be you, unfortunately.

 

You're the only one worried about whether this will work out. He's not contacting you because he has no intention of giving you more. If you leave, so be it! If you waver and eventually stick around, he'll continue until he finds the right person for him. There's a reason almost no one (not just his kids) knows about you at a year of dating...but not being "official," whatever that means. There's a reason most people in his life are under the impression he's single and not coupled up.

 

You're 32, not 20. Find someone who wants the same things you do. It won't be with him.

 

No. I HAVEN'T made a final decision yet, which is why I'm still wondering. Hence posting here. Once I do make up my mind, then that's that. No more wondering for me.

 

Also, like I said, he is asking for more time. I don't disagree with you, but what I think makes my situation different is that it's not one where a guy is just saying he doesn't want a relationship, where everything you said truly does apply.

 

He said he wants to give me everything I want, but he can't just change things tomorrow. So, I don't think I'm the only one worried about whether this will work. He is asking me to not to give up. He brought up wasting time to defend himself that he is in fact NOT wasting my time, that he definitely wants a future with me and wouldn't have stayed this long if he didn't. The few times he reached out was to tell me he loves me and that everything will be okay.

 

i didn't ignore him reaching out btw. Just keep it very brief because I didn't feel like talking or seeing him because I'm so hurt and confused. I do wish he would reach out more, but that might be expecting too much.

[agnes21]

I'm the same way. Once I make up my mind I'm done...I'm 100% done. With that said...you guys dated for a year...a year...thats not a short period of time. I think you should have the official break up talk. View it as your time to speak your piece.

 

Like Gaeta said...its for you not him.

 

Plus if you have the talk he wont continue to text you and call, having no idea its over.

 

You are right, one year isn't an insignificant amount of time.

 

Good point with the last part too. I don't want him not having any idea what's going on and keep contacting me about it.

[agnes21]

You don't need to break up formally if you don't want to. He may have thought you guys are broken up already or he'd think it's a ploy for you to reach out to him. Always believe a guy when he's unwilling to offer more in a relationship, and not stay in the hope that one day he'd change. Be thankful that it's a year, not 5, and move on for good. It's an awful situation to be in. All the best xx

 

See, this is what's so confusing to me. He's not saying he doesn't want to offer more or that he's unwilling to. He's saying give him time because he wants to. Thoughts???

[tayriley]

i come from parents of divorce. i can tell you i HATED the guy my mom dated and later married. it wasn't because he was a bad guy. but i was a preteen and had no patience for this intruder in my life. i did not smooth things out with him until way after college.

 

my dad- he didn't even try to tell me anything about who he dated..he got remarried and didnt tell me until after. his wife is a cheap, racist b-tch that talked sh-t about me to the rest of the family. i didnt find out about it until years later when my cousin told me. luckily she is from another country and after we butted heads, decided to stay there instead of moving into my dad's house where i lived. (my dad splits his time, but mostly spends it out of the country)

 

i'm telling you this because at the beginning of your post, i thought maybe he was trying to protect you from drama in the family. once he introduces you to his kids, then you have to meet the ex-wife as well...and if the kids or she doesnt approve, all hell will break loose.

 

BUT...then you said NO ONE ELSE in his life knows about you....THAT IS CRAZY--- he should have friends and other family or coworkers you should have met by now!! unless he is a hermit and very antisocial, it makes no sense that a year in only one other person knows about you and he still won't call you his girlfriend...that alone makes me think he is cheating on you, or the very least, keeping his options open.

 

so now what to do-

 

have the official break up talk. do it with calmness and class. tell him you appreciate the good times you had together. you want more than he is willing to give and you accept that. tell him the truth- that you are starting to resent him and you dont want that in a relationship. wish him well.

 

you are carrying a lot of resentment that is not going to help you any. realize a lot of your anguish is anger at yourself for staying with this guy despite the red flags. by being the bigger person and having this talk (calmly and without anger), you will feel better about yourself moving forward.

 

he will also see how classy you are being and respect you for it. if he is a decent person, then he will appreciate your honesty and kindness. this will also make you feel better about yourself.

 

make it a clean break. have this breakup talk. make it as long as necessary. think about ahead of time everything you want to say- DO NOT bring up accusations and try to start a fight. this is about expressing how you feel you cannot move on with him, thanking him for the good times, and wishing him well. THAT IS ALL. be kind, be gentle. DO NOT let him talk you into getting back together- remember, you've already brought up your concerns repeatedly and he has not done anything about them. THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. anything he says here will be just out of empty desperation.

 

then after this talk, NO MORE CONTACT!!!! you cannot be friends with this person, at least not for the next year, so don't even try.

 

i dont know how many major breakups you've had in your life and if you have a certain way of coping. what helps me is getting a calendar where each day is a sizeable square...and i mark the day we broke up, and i mark an 'x' on every day that passes that i dont speak to him.

 

when you see the 'x's accumulate, you will see the work you are actively doing to progress in your life. the more 'x's you see, the less you will want to ruin it by contacting him. eventually you won't need to see this calendar anymore to know you don't need him.

Edited May 22, 2016 by tayriley