Conviction Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 So, to start out never EVER take back an ex that ended on bad terms, I just learned my lesson. GF of 4 years, had a child together, things didn't work out, we separated for 2 years. She approached me begging me back saying all the right things, how she's matured ad learned a lot and wants to give it another shot. Took me awhile, but ultimately decided to give it a go. Things were actually looking really good for about a month. I saw lots of improvement on her part, and felt I had improved as well. Well, we got into our first disagreement, if you can call it that. I sensed she was starting to pull away and fall back into bad habits, so I decided to ask her about it. I simply asked "is everything ok? I've noticed XYZ and just want to squash it so it doesn't turn into a big problem". I wasn't even trying to start anything, I just wanted to express my feelings, have a short 5 minute convo about it, then it would have been done and moved past. Well, she got super defensive and said "this is exactly what happened our first go around, I don't want to talk about it". Wow!! Ok. So I let her cool down for the night, contacted her the next day to apologize for making a big deal out of it, but I do think we need to improve our communication because what just happened isn't healthy. Nothing. Sent a follow up text asking if we could talk, again nothing. Not a damn word from her, for three fu***** days so far. I'm more pissed than hurt (the hurt I'm sure is coming). I mean, how can she tell me all the things she told me to get me back, then just turn around and flat out ignore me when the first sign of trouble hits. Newsflash, we're going to have disagreements and need to talk about them. I almost feel like I was just a challenge to her, and now that she's felt like she conquered that, I'm devalued. I feel used and disposable. I haven't contacted her at all since, and don't plan to. I hate the silent treatment. Thoughts are welcome and appreciated, but mostly I just wanted a place to vent.
Heracles Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 GF of 4 years, had a child together, things didn't work out, we separated for 2 years. She approached me begging me back saying all the right things, how she's matured ad learned a lot and wants to give it another shot. Took me awhile, but ultimately decided to give it a go. Things were actually looking really good for about a month. I saw lots of improvement on her part, and felt I had improved as well. That's just a decoy / red herring I sensed she was starting to pull away and fall back into bad habits, so I decided to ask her about it. I simply asked "is everything ok? I've noticed XYZ and just want to squash it so it doesn't turn into a big problem". I wasn't even trying to start anything, I just wanted to express my feelings, have a short 5 minute convo about it, then it would have been done and moved past. Well, she got super defensive and said "this is exactly what happened our first go around, I don't want to talk about it". Wow!! Ok. So I let her cool down for the night, contacted her the next day to apologize for making a big deal out of it, but I do think we need to improve our communication because what just happened isn't healthy. Nothing. Sent a follow up text asking if we could talk, again nothing. Not a damn word from her, for three fu***** days so far. Your question was legitimate. Why did you apologize? There was no need to; but you doing so showed her that she had leverage. She is manipulating you and pulling your strings. I'm more pissed than hurt (the hurt I'm sure is coming). I mean, how can she tell me all the things she told me to get me back, then just turn around and flat out ignore me when the first sign of trouble hits. Newsflash, we're going to have disagreements and need to talk about them. I almost feel like I was just a challenge to her, and now that she's felt like she conquered that, I'm devalued. I feel used and disposable. I haven't contacted her at all since, and don't plan to. I hate the silent treatment. Your hurt, frustration and hope - for things to work out between you - are being used against you. As long as those emotions aren't dealt with on your part, she will play you like a violin:bunny: 2
Buddhist Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 I almost feel like I was just a challenge to her, and now that she's felt like she conquered that, I'm devalued. I feel used and disposable. Okay, this bit is probably not accurate and better left in the mental trash can. I'm not saying that for her sake, but for yours. It will do you no good to carry thoughts like that around about yourself. As for your GF, well little kids give the silent treatment. You'll have to make your own decision about being in a relationship with a little kid or not. Best of luck to you. 1
katiegrl Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Agree with Heracles. Why did YOU apologize? This is what I don't get about many guys. Gf does or says something totally crappy, in your case rudely screaming she doesn't want to talk about it!!! When all you wanted to do was discuss an issue which was completely reasonable. Then you call to apologize? This is why many of you guys have problems with your girlfriends I think. You allow them to manipulate you and walk over you. And they lose respect. Once that happens, everything you do after that irritates the hell out of them. OP she is a brat plain and simple. If my bf EVER spoke that way to me, I would have walked out. And waited for HIM to call and apologize to ME! Edited May 21, 2016 by katiegrl 3
Woggle Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Agree with Heracles. Why did YOU apologize? This is what I don't get about many guys. Gf does or says something totally crappy, in your case rudely screaming she doesn't want to talk about it!!! When all you wanted to do was discuss an issue which was completely reasonable. Then you call to apologize? This is why many of you guys have problems with your girlfriends I think. You allow them to manipulate you and walk over you. And they lose respect. Once that happens, everything you do after that irritates the hell out of them. OP she is a brat plain and simple. If my bf EVER spoke that way to me, I would have walked out. And waited for HIM to call and apologize to ME! I fully agree. It is not sexist and misogynist for a guy to want basic respect and decency and if a woman thinks so a man should drop her. 1
joseb Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 I totally agree with all the comments about unwarranted apologies. It leads to manipulation and a lack of respect. There seems to be a bit of a culture / unwritten rule these days that says if a couple have some sort of disagreement, and for some reason it's not resolved, then the guy has to say sorry, even if he did nothing wrong. I hear it all the time from guys in work. They just say it's the way things are. Happy wife happy life kind of thing. 1
Author Conviction Posted May 22, 2016 Author Posted May 22, 2016 I appreciate all your guys' input. Looking back, I do regret apologizing, because as you guys have said, no apology was warranted. I guess at the time, I just thought it would get her to open up to me, and maybe I needed to not overreact to things, but communication is such an imports pectin to me, I realize I wasn't overreacting, it needed to be discussed. I guess she just wasn't willing to put in the work she claimed she was for this reconciliation to work. Going to keep busy and not contact, because right now honestly I just want to call her and tell her how childish she is, I'll just keep that internal though. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 In your old thread, I actually remember thinking "I hope he stays with the new GF that makes him happy and doesn't go back to the ex". Do you ever think about that girl things were going well with? Just curious if you regret leaving her. But based on what you said about your ex before and the way she's acting now, I don't really see it getting any better man. I still say your only responsibilty is to be the best dad you can to your kid. Other than that, you probably should have left your ex in the past and kept the new GF. Now if you decide to split from your ex again, it's after your kid's hopes got back up which is worse IMO. 1
Dis Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 In your old thread, I actually remember thinking "I hope he stays with the new GF that makes him happy and doesn't go back to the ex". Do you ever think about that girl things were going well with? Just curious if you regret leaving her. But based on what you said about your ex before and the way she's acting now, I don't really see it getting any better man. I still say your only responsibilty is to be the best dad you can to your kid. Other than that, you probably should have left your ex in the past and kept the new GF. Now if you decide to split from your ex again, it's after your kid's hopes got back up which is worse IMO. Right. I think you need to worry more about how the arguing/on-off relationship is affecting your child. If your relationship with your ex is a toxic one (sounds like that may be the case) you need to stop trying. This is probably really confusing and unhealthy for your child to be around. Focus on co-parenting with your ex instead of trying to work out a romatic relationship thats doomed to fail 2
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 I totally agree with all the comments about unwarranted apologies. It leads to manipulation and a lack of respect. There seems to be a bit of a culture / unwritten rule these days that says if a couple have some sort of disagreement, and for some reason it's not resolved, then the guy has to say sorry, even if he did nothing wrong. I hear it all the time from guys in work. They just say it's the way things are. Happy wife happy life kind of thing. It pisses me off because then guys just throw out 'token apologies' just to get their gfs to shut up about issues, including major ones. Apologies are for screw-ups. Not for Tuesdays.
tayriley Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 well you gave it a chance. she's shown she hasn't matured and it will not work out for you. this is good. now you know it will not ever work with her. break it off. now, for your child's sake- you need to be cordial and level-headed and adult. you need to come from a place of love. realize this person is really flawed, probably at least partially due to a bad upbringing, and have some empathy for her when she is acting immature. because you have a child together, you will need to be able to get along with this person for at least the next 14 years, preferably for the rest of your lives. you do not want to give your child a bad example to follow for his future relationships. put aside your pride and realize she isn't trying to destroy you with her behavior. you loved each other once so there is some good in there. she is just not capable of having a healthy relationship where arguments are resolved in a calm manner. she doesnt know and didnt learn what you did from probably watching your parents or others you grew up with. if you come at her from a loving place, she will be a lot more likely to soften and let you take the lead and be more fair when it comes to your child. THIS is the most important part. keep that in mind. 1
Author Conviction Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Sorry for the delayed response. I appreciate all of you guys greatly for tour kind words and encouragement, it means a lot! I couldn't agree more in that, right now I just need to focus on being super dad, it's been proven the relationship between her and I is just too incompatible. She actually texted me yesterday, claiming I was ignoring her, said she never got any of my calls/texts. I call BS and don't believe it for a second. I'm guessing it's a projection tactic, trying to put the blame on me. But even IF she didn't get any of them, I would think she would still reach out to me considering she was the one who stormed out of the conversation in the first place. Again, I think she's trying to project the blame on me, when in hindsight I did nothing wrong. Oh well, I didn't feed into the game, sent a screenshots of my last text to her (the one she claimed she didn't get) and dint reply for the rest of the night. 1
Author Conviction Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 In your old thread, I actually remember thinking "I hope he stays with the new GF that makes him happy and doesn't go back to the ex". Do you ever think about that girl things were going well with? Just curious if you regret leaving her. But based on what you said about your ex before and the way she's acting now, I don't really see it getting any better man. I still say your only responsibilty is to be the best dad you can to your kid. Other than that, you probably should have left your ex in the past and kept the new GF. Now if you decide to split from your ex again, it's after your kid's hopes got back up which is worse IMO. Thank you for remembering that actually. I kept thinking "surely someone is going to remember that" lol. To answer your question, I don't regret it entirely. I was in tune enough to know I wasn't going to be able to give the new GF 100% like she needed since I wasn't as over my ex as I thought. It does suck because she was a great girl and treated me good, I just wish I was over my ex at the time to not allow her to manipulate me. I do feel bad for breaking it off with her, because my intentions weren't to just use her and I felt like I did, I do still think about her from time to time. But giving it a second shot with the ex was actually what I needed to put the nail in the coffin so to speak. It allowed me to remove the "what if" factor, and now that I've seen it first hand that it won't work, I can move on without thinking "what if she changed and realized things".
kendahke Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I appreciate all your guys' input. Looking back, I do regret apologizing, because as you guys have said, no apology was warranted. I guess at the time, I just thought it would get her to open up to me, Nah.. that rarely is the outcome. generally speaking, when dealing with a manipulative person, leaving them alone and not taking their calls/texts will flip them. she hasn't changed who she was: she manipulate you into believing that she had changed. She's the same person you'd already broken up with. Could be time to remember that going forward.
Author Conviction Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 Nah.. that rarely is the outcome. generally speaking, when dealing with a manipulative person, leaving them alone and not taking their calls/texts will flip them. she hasn't changed who she was: she manipulate you into believing that she had changed. She's the same person you'd already broken up with. Could be time to remember that going forward. Agreed. Definitely something I'm going to remember going forward. I'd say it's definitely time to close her and I's chapter. Thank you
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