(Suicide) At what point in a new relationship do you tell them of your past marriage?

[elaine567]

I have recently taken my own advice here which I will share with you in the hope it will help:

When asked, "my wife passed away very unexpectedly / suddenly and as I am sure you can imagine, it is a very private matter and I have healed by not repeating the story. I really appreciate you understanding'"

 

Maybe it is just me, but if told that, I would still run.

It sounds like there is a deep dark secret there, and my imagination would run wild.

Sorry!

[JamesLK]

Thank-you to everyone who was helpful and shared their opinion. I realize that it is a person-specific topic. Some women would never want to know, others would sooner than others. I will have to do what feels right and natural and if it doesn't work out I'll chalk it up to a learning experience.

 

Hopefully too many people don't think they can catch death. It seems to be the trend.

[DevastatedDiva]

Maybe it is just me, but if told that, I would still run.

It sounds like there is a deep dark secret there, and my imagination would run wild.

Sorry!

 

 

Well what would you say? It's what OP wants to say that matters to me.

[elaine567]

I would play it by ear at the start, if no mention of past relationships came up I wouldn't initiate any, if it was a passing undetailed mention i.e. I was married for 10 years, divorced 5, how about you? I would just repeat in kind, no details.

But if it got into a more involved discussion, then I would judge if it was necessary to share, or if the person was off on some rant about their ex, then I would leave them to it.

 

BUT as soon as I knew we were getting pretty close and/or he was going to meet other people close to me who knew the story, or he was going to be anywhere someone would tell him about my past, then I would feel obliged to tell the whole story first.

I think if asked directly it would be better to be honest, than to try and keep hiding it with platitudes, and thus come across in a way that suggested it was darker secret than it was in reality.

[angel.eyes]

My condolences. It's such a tragedy! My heart goes out to your ex.

 

What you share will depend on how long you've been dating, your date, how much of a connection you have, etc. You'll have to use your judgement since everyone you meet and each situation will be different. I rarely ask questions point blank. I let the conversation flow and invariably I get way more than I would have if I had asked questions. That being said, here's what I'm looking for in conversation:

 

Pre-dating discussions and Date #1:

• Are you actually single? In other words, not just separated or worse yet, attempting to cheat.
  
• Are you ready to date? How long ago did your last relationship end? What type of contact, if any, do you still have with your ex? Have you recovered from the breakup?
  

 

At this stage, the following response is sufficient: I divorced X years ago. Unfortunately, she passed away two years after the divorce. How about you? Ever married?

 

Once it's clear that we're both interested in a relationship with each other:

(For me this is usually around date #3 or 4, when he's asking me to be his girlfriend)

I am laser-focused on:

• Do we share the same values?
  
• What are his views on marriage?
  
• Are we looking for the same things out of dating?
  
• Since you're divorced, what did you learn from the experience? How do you view your role in what happened?
  
• If you were to remarry, what would you do differently to ensure your marriage lasted the second time around?
  

 

At this stage, the following response is adequate for me:

I've been divorced X years. I got a divorce from my ex-wife because of some terrible experiences she had before we ever met. Although we were committed to our marriage and tried very hard for five years, ultimately it was something we couldn't overcome as a couple. We're not in contact because unfortunately she died a couple of years after the divorce. How about you? When did your last relationship end?

 

At some point down the road, when it feels right to you and to the conversation, then you can share more detail. Personally, I think sharing who you are and discussing significant events that impacted you, when the timing is right, builds closeness and emotional intimacy.

 

I personally don't react well to:

• I can't tell you...
  
• I'd rather not discuss it...
  
• It's too personal...
  
• Etc.
  

 

Early on, it feels like you aren't being upfront and honest, as if you're hiding some dark secret, or glossing over the negatives about yourself. I'm left with the distinct impression that you're marketing a facade. Integrity, honesty, and commitment are incredibly important to me. As soon as I sense these are lacking in a guy, I'm out the door. So for me, being upfront and honest matters when you get a question or the conversation comes up. I don't need to know much detail early on, but I do need an idea of who you are, your relationship history, and your values even as we're just starting to date. The sample answers I provided above address those sufficiently for me without giving the impression of stonewalling.

 

Hope that helps.

Edited May 22, 2016 by angel.eyes

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry how things went for you. It is great that you are dating again and making a new start. I would agree with Carrie entirely. I think when someone has something serious in the background, a sensitive person will pick up on any 'hedging' going on. If you like someone enough to think of seeing them again, then somehow you need to let them know there is sadness in the background and that you will tell them more when you know each other better.

 

I know that a friend of mine who was dating someone in a similar situation to you found out before they started dating because she told him. He understood and appreciated that she'd been through a trauma. It didn't put him off, in fact I think he probably made more allowances for her because of it (not that that's the issue here).

Edited May 22, 2016 by spiderowl

[Dis]

JamesLK, I hope you didnt get scared off hun. I hope you keep posting because theres people on here (including me) that will offer you sound advice and also be sensitive about your situation. I agree with the things you said and I'm sorry some people offended you. Ignore the posts that rub you the wrong way and focus on those that help you