(Suicide) At what point in a new relationship do you tell them of your past marriage?

May 21, 2016

Short and simple. To get an idea of age range, I'm 32.

At what point with a new person do you tell them about your past marriage's sensitive material. I was married for 5 years before I divorced my wife. After the divorce she had a lot of problems and attempted suicide, failed and was hospitalized. Starved herself in hospital until she had to be sedated and fed through a feeding tube. Eventually they got her "stable" and she went to transitional care and committed suicide shortly after.

Her death was 2 years ago and I've been dating quite a bit over the last few months. It comes up a lot more than I expected and that is why did we divorce (extremely, extremely sensitive topic, neither of us did anything wrong per se) and something along the lines of how is our relationship now, any contact, etc.

May 21, 2016

I'm so sorry, what a terrible tragedy you've been through! I would stay away from the details while the relationship is in its infant stages because it is so fragile at that point and stuff this extreme COULD scare some women away. When they ask about your ex I'd simply say she passed away and it's very hard to talk about so you need time to open up to her about it more. Any reasonable woman should understand this as that is a horrifying experience you went through. After a couple weeks perhaps, when you feel the relationship is stable and getting more serious, be honest with her and tell her the details.

May 21, 2016

Did this come out pre divorce? Did you two have children?

You can talk about you were married for 5 yrs and divorced. Save the suicidal stuff snd big marital problems till later. The only reason to bring some of the problems is to bring up why this is important to you.

May 21, 2016

James, I remember your story well and how hard it was with your wife and her trauma. I'm sorry it ended so badly for her and for you.

In regards to your future, in the early days of dating, I would just indicate that you are divorced and if asked about your relationship with an ExWife, you can just say that she subsequently passed away after the divorce and that it is still a bit painful to discuss.

After you have been with someone and are seeing the potential of a committed relationship, you will have a better sense on how to open up to that person.

If you are just on a second or third date with someone, there is no reason to go into great detail on the specifics.

May 21, 2016

I am very sorry you lived through this tragedy.

When to tell your new girlfriend? never.

She is not your therapist and should not burden her with these details. You give her a summarize without the ugly and that's it.

In my past I had to hide 4 times in a shelter for battered women, I was also left for dead on my own front door. When do I tell about my past? NEVER. It's not my boyfriend's task to carry my burden. I made peace with it and don't feel any need to share my past. Why do you feel the need to? My answer would be you still need to work on yourself.

May 21, 2016

Hi James,

I am so sorry for all you have gone through; I am sure on some subtle level you still are coping with the trauma on your own.

When you are at the "dating" stage, you are "testing" and getting to know each other; sharing that level of personal details is neither appropriate nor necessary. You can just keep it brief along the lines of you were married for 5 years; then divorced. Now your ex-wife is deceased.

I can understand why a woman who is dating you would want to know some details of YOUR past relationship history--to gauge whether or not you are suitable for her, but she doesn't need to know the past history of your ex-wife.

With that said however, ONCE you are in a committed relationship or married, it will be absolutely imperative that you don't hide the details of your ex-wife's death from your wife. All I can say, IF one day your wife senses or finds out there are details of your life you HID from her, it will do irreparable damage to your relationship.

May 21, 2016

We didn't have any children.

I am very sorry you lived through this tragedy.

When to tell your new girlfriend? never.

She is not your therapist and should not burden her with these details. You give her a summarize without the ugly and that's it.

In my past I had to hide 4 times in a shelter for battered women, I was also left for dead on my own front door. When do I tell about my past? NEVER. It's not my boyfriend's task to carry my burden. I made peace with it and don't feel any need to share my past. Why do you feel the need to? My answer would be you still need to work on yourself.

I have no need to tell a new woman in my life. When I get asked (and it always seems to be asked) WHY I'm divorced and IF I still have contact with my ex/our relationship I don't know what to say.

Sometimes I've simply said no we do not have contact but that's hit or miss being the "right" answer. Up to this point I have not said why we divorced because it's a personal tragedy in my ex-wife's live.

I disagree that you NEVER tell your new partner. At some point saying your ex committed suicide (so you no longer have contact) or not the specifics but the general idea of why the marriage didn't work doesn't seem like a burden to me. Laying out all the facts, sure I can see that but I cannot see that with stating this is what happened, this is why. I don't think I'd ever tell someone all the gruely details of her life, the marriage and after the divorce.

May 21, 2016

I am so sorry about this tragedy. If you don't already know about it, check out the American Suicide Prevention group. They have a lot of resources for the survivors.

Anyway, do what Carrie suggested. Early on -- inside of the 1st 6 months to a year you say you are divorced but that your wife subsequently passed. You give NO details. Later as your relationship deepens when you are talking about moving in or getting married, then you disclose the full on truth if directly asked & pressed. This is not getting to know you conversation.

Some people will say my method of keeping things to yourself is deceitful. It's not. It's just being private. As a society we overshare. Some stuff is really nobody else's business.

If the subject comes up organically, like another suicide happens, fine talk. Heck, I had to tell my brand new BF of 6 whole weeks that my EX committed suicide because it happened & I was so devastated I forgot to call the new BF & cancel the date.

I am not advocating you hide it. I am saying there is no reason to lead with it. A big dramatic announcement is not called for. Even if your EX died in a car accident you would not be obligated to share the gory details with every new people you meet. They may be informed she died but the rest . . . well wait until there is a great deal of trust already built up.

May 21, 2016

I am not suggesting it all comes out out on the first date but you cannot hide this away forever as all it needs is a family member or a friend or a colleague or an acquaintance to say to your gf, "I am glad James has found you, dreadful business that with his ex-wife but she was always a troubled soul" or

"James LK? You're dating James LK?, I know who he is, didn't his ex wife kill herself?" or words to that effect and then it all becomes very awkward, when your gf realises she has been kept in the dark.

May 21, 2016

At first I don't think you need to share much more than you are divorced and maybe that your x-wife passed away. After a while (like committed relationship a few months in) you feel safe sharing more then I would.

My husband died of cancer and though it's a totally different situation it's still hard to know how much to share and at what point in a relationship. The death of a spouse or x-spouse can scare people off even in non-dating situations, like they think it's catching or you were the one who did something to cause it. I'm sorry for what you went through and hope you find someone who is a good match for you and is understanding of your past.

May 21, 2016

I read your previous thread regarding your ex-wife while you were starting the divorce process. No word can describe how incredibly tragic the whole situation was. I hope you are still undergoing therapy. Are you worried that those women might judge you for divorcing your ex-wife or might even think you were partly responsible for her suicide? I think that, in your particular case, it would be much more practical to seek professional advice.

May 21, 2016

We didn't have any children.

I have no need to tell a new woman in my life. When I get asked (and it always seems to be asked) WHY I'm divorced and IF I still have contact with my ex/our relationship I don't know what to say.

Sometimes I've simply said no we do not have contact but that's hit or miss being the "right" answer. Up to this point I have not said why we divorced because it's a personal tragedy in my ex-wife's live.

I disagree that you NEVER tell your new partner. At some point saying your ex committed suicide (so you no longer have contact) or not the specifics but the general idea of why the marriage didn't work doesn't seem like a burden to me. Laying out all the facts, sure I can see that but I cannot see that with stating this is what happened, this is why. I don't think I'd ever tell someone all the gruely details of her life, the marriage and after the divorce.

When people ask me why we divorced I simply say we grew apart. No one needs to know the details of my marriage to him, especially now that he is dead. As far as I am concerned our history together went into his grave. I feel it should be the same with your ex, your history together needs to be buried with her. She is not in this life any longer it's improper to talk about her specially about the negative.

As for if you have contact now you simply say no we don't she committed suicide after our divorce. End of it.

It's not your wife that committed suicide but your EX-wife. It's sad still but it's not the same as losing a wife so there is no need for a special conversation about her passing.

May 21, 2016

Gosh, I'm sorry, James. I hope you have had some counseling and fully realize you did not cause her to commit suicide. You cannot be expected to stay with someone with such severe mental disorder as she had to have had in order to react that way. Although you may encounter someone so uneducated that they find a way to blame you for that, you must know that that was not your fault. She had big mental problems. You do not have the power to cause those mental issues and many things could trigger them besides you.

So please do not make too big a deal to this when you tell someone. First, make sure they are mature and not stupid and uneducated. Discard those because they're the ones who wouldn't have any sense about something like this.

I think most people get asked if they've ever been married on their first date. Your answer should be yes, I was married once before. If you don't want to drag the tone of the first date down, switch over to their past love life and see if you can just let it go without explaining. But sometimes soon let them know she committed suicide. "She had some mental issues and committed suicide." Really, the details of that aren't necessary until you're in a committed relationship with the new person.

Edited May 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 21, 2016

It's not your wife that committed suicide but your EX-wife. It's sad still but it's not the same as losing a wife so there is no need for a special conversation about her passing.

Wow. I could not disagree with this more.

James, I am so sorry. I remember your story.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with this. I can speak from the other end of the experience because I dated (and eventually became serious with) a man whose wife committed suicide - in front of her two babies. She was an amazing, intelligent, strong person. I put my foot in my mouth a couple of times by asking the wrong questions, but he was gentle with me. I have learned from that experience.

May 21, 2016

JMO but I think sharing your history with your partner (good and bad, positive and negative) brings you closer and builds intimacy.

Not right away of course but after you develop full trust in each other which takes a long time.

Sharing your history and what you went through, the pain, the loss, etc. allows your partner to *know* you in a way they didn't know you before.....everything we experience in life shapes us into who we are and have become as an individual and a partner.

It is not being disrespectful to your ex to share this, again it builds intimacy with your new partner as it allows them to fully know *you* and understand *you* in a way they didn't prior to your sharing this with them.

Someone said this to me on another thread and I agree.

If you cannot open up to your partner about your past, as negative and painful as that may be, and be truly vulnerable with them, then you will never have true intimacy with them.

Gaeta, I hope one day you will have the strength and courage to feel vulnerable enough to share with your bf what you experienced with your ex. The pain, the loss, the sadness and the hurt. All of it.

And not hide certain aspects of yourself under the guise of protecting your ex's memory or whatevs.

It is not about your ex, it is about you and feeling vulnerable enough with your bf to "let him in.". If you feel you are burdening him by sharing this, then perhaps he isn't the right man for you. If he loves you, he won't feel burdened. He will be happy you felt so comfortable and trusted him enough to share this with him!

Doing so will give him a bit more insight into who you are, again both as an individual and a partner, and I hope he can do the same with you. It will bring you closer and again build true intimacy between you......

James I am so sorry for what you experienced......

I think once you get into a serious relationship where there is love and TRUST, that would be the time to share what you experienced, the effect it had on you, what you learned and how you grew from that experience .... and how it shaped you into the man you are today.

Best of luck moving forward!

Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl

May 22, 2016

I am very sorry you lived through this tragedy.

When to tell your new girlfriend? never.

She is not your therapist and should not burden her with these details. You give her a summarize without the ugly and that's it.

In my past I had to hide 4 times in a shelter for battered women, I was also left for dead on my own front door. When do I tell about my past? NEVER. It's not my boyfriend's task to carry my burden. I made peace with it and don't feel any need to share my past. Why do you feel the need to? My answer would be you still need to work on yourself.

I understand your point Gaeta, you must be a very strong person for overcoming that tough time in your life. For some people, the past is irrelevant....to each their own.

IMO my past is part of what makes me who I am. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 14. Times were very tough for about 10 years, during that time I tried to commit suicide and cut myself frequently. Things are very different now. I havent had a symptom in 7 years thank to a great treatment plan. I'm a healthy, happy person. I'm struggling with how to tell my bf of one month about my diagnosis and the cutting. I've decided I'm not comfortable talking about it just yet.

My point is....while my diagnosis is irrelevant in regards to who I am today, it made up a large chunk of my past and the struggles I faced because of it have shaped me into who I am now. I want to be open with my bf about it at some point so he can know all of me...inside and out. Its important to me that my SO loves me for who I really am...ugly past and all.

OP, I'm so sorry you had to endure such a tough time. I can really relate to the conflict your facing now. My advice is reveal as little as possible in the beginning. If your asked about it say, "She passed away and I'd rather not get into the details until I get to know you better." The right woman will respect that. I told my bf I'm not ready to discuss my past yet and he's fine with that. He told me to feel free to talk about it when I'm ready and that he wont judge me. An understanding woman will say the same thing.

I've learned that revealing our pasts (the tough parts of our past) comes with time. We learn about our SO slowly, not over night. When you feel you have built enough trust with a woman then you can start to tell your story gradually....def not right away.

I can imagine you must feel like what happened with your ex wife might scare off a new woman. I worry alittle that my past might scare away my bf even though it has no impact on who I am now. But as time passes I learn more about him, how kind and understanding he is and that worry lessens alittle. Once you get to know a woman you can make a judgment on whether or not she'll be understanding. As long as you have processed what happened with your ex wife and dont have baggage to bring into a new relationship, I think you'll find that a good woman will accept you and your past. While the past may influence our present selves, it doesnt determine who we are now. Once a woman gets to know you, she'll see that. I hope my bf does too.

Best of luck to you OP...good for you getting back out there

May 22, 2016

If you cannot open up to your partner about your past, as negative and painful as that may be, and be truly vulnerable with them, then you will never have true intimacy with them.

Gaeta, I hope one day you will have the strength and courage to feel vulnerable enough to share with your bf what you experienced with your ex. The pain, the loss, the sadness and the hurt. All of it.

When you have made peace with your past you feel no need, or any interest in sharing it with others. None. It never crosses my mind to talk about my ex and our marriage with my boyfriend. It's irrelevant. I have nothing heavy on my heart, nothing in the back of my mind, nothing holding me back, I have no fear of commitment, no fear of being hurt. Why would I dig out the past.

But like I said maybe it's an age thing. At 50 I have no desire to revisit my past. There comes an age where all this does not matter anymore.

May 22, 2016

When you have made peace with your past you feel no need, or any interest in sharing it with others. None. It never crosses my mind to talk about my ex and our marriage with my boyfriend. It's irrelevant. I have nothing heavy on my heart, nothing in the back of my mind, nothing holding me back, I have no fear of commitment, no fear of being hurt. Why would I dig out the past.

But like I said maybe it's an age thing. At 50 I have no desire to revisit my past. There comes an age where all this does not matter anymore.

It is not irrelevant IMO as it is part of who you are .... again everything we experience in life shapes us into the person we are today.

I felt like you too though, even with my recent ex. I withheld certain aspects of myself and my past, did not want to burden him either.

There was always a certain distance between us though that I couldn't pin point, and now in retrospect I know why.

We never felt truly vulnerable with each other enough to trust each other and open ourselves up about certain aspects of ourselves we thought we buried long ago. That we didn't think were relevant.

I really regret that now. It is all relevant. Every experience we have in life is relevant. It is part of who we are and as much as we would like to forget it ever happened or think we have made peace with it, it is always still there lurking.

But if you are not comfortable sharing it Gaeta that is certainly your prerogative.

I know in my next relationship, I will never make that mistake again because as I said, although there was lots of love and good times, there was always a certain distance which I suspect he felt too.

Lesson learned......

Edited May 22, 2016 by katiegrl

May 22, 2016

It is not irrelevant IMO as it is part of who you are .... again everything we experience in life shapes us into the person we are today.

I felt like you too though, even with my recent ex. I withheld certain aspects of myself and my past, did not want to burden him either.

There was always a certain distance between us that I couldn't pin point, and now in retrospect I know why.

We never felt truly vulnerable with each other enough to trust each other and open ourselves up about certain aspects of ourselves we thought we buried long ago. That we didn't think were relevant.

I really regret that now. It is all relevant. Every experience we have in life is relevant. It is part of who we are and as much as we would like to forget it ever happened or think we have made peace with it, it is always still there lurking.

But if you are not comfortable sharing it Gaeta that is certainly your prerogative.

I know in my next relationship, I will never make that mistake again because as a said, although there was lots of love and good times, there was always a certain distance which I suspect he felt too.

Lesson learned......

Agreed. In my last relationship (as short and crazy as it was) he didnt want to know about my past...he wanted a perfect spotless angel. I felt like I was constantly wearing a mask...putting on a show. I felt like a fraud.

I'm too much of an honest, open person to hide anything important about me. If my bf didnt know about my turbulent past at some point, I would feel like I was being lied to every time he said "I love you". If I'm not open about all of me, I would feel like a walking lie.

Of course disclosure about these things comes with time. I'm happy my current bf wants to know about these things and is waiting patiently until I'm ready to tell him.

Everyone is different though. I just feel in order to be truly close and intimate with the person I'm with...we should know each other inside and out. Part of truly loving someone means you love them for all of who they are...even the ugly parts.

May 22, 2016

I think in my next relationship, if when the time was right and I felt safe enough to open up to him about my history, including the negative, and he didn't want to hear it, or didn't feel comfortable hearing it, he wouldn't be the man for me.

I am looking for true intimacy in my next relationship, no hiding, no withholding, no distance. From either of us.

Just me tho, like Dis said we are all different.

May 22, 2016

Firstly, sorry to hear about your past.

Second, I'd say only talk about it with someone if you're considering marrying them. Talking about it too early can scare them off, but can you imagine if she overhears two of your other relatives talking about it later. Then she'd likely feel really deceived.

May 22, 2016

you can just tell your date your ex passed away a few years after the divorce. leave it at that. i doubt she'll want to press you for more questions because that would be uncomfortable on an early date to talk about.

i think women ask 'are you still in contact with your ex' because they want to gauge whether you've moved on from them or not. yes, on rare occasions, exes can remain platonic friends without a problem...but for the most part, keeping exes around seems like a door to stepping back into a romantic relationship with them.

i had a guy tell me once that he had 2 DIFFERENT exes house-sit for him while he was out of town..and they RAN INTO EACH OTHER...that is so awkward and also a red flag for me. i dont want to date a guy who has multple exes that have his housekey...and who doesnt care enough to tell them that the other one might be around...or not create a situation where the two of them could EVER run into each other.

point is- you are getting too deep with the question. a simple, 'she passed away after we broke up' is easy enough to stop that convo. if a date asks follow up questions, then go ahead and answer them...i doubt your relationship issues will come up in those questions. only follow-up i can think of is 'how did she die?' 'she had an eating disorder and she committed suicide.'

...that there clearly tells your date that you are not a serial killer that murdered his wife and that is all she needs to know. if your date asks even more questions, you might need to rethink about dating someone with such little tact.

if you're heading toward bf/gf territory, then by all means, open up and talk about it. this will make you closer.

May 22, 2016

I got a divorce from my wife (because she had a trauma before our relationship that caused us to grow apart). I don't have contact with my ex-wife because she died after the divorce.

That sounds about the right way to handle things with a new GF - I'd personally quickly mention the trauma part only if probed further, and explain that you want to respect her privacy / memory by not giving further details. You would hope that anyone would respect your privacy in return at this point and would not badger you for more.

You may feel more comfortable divulging a little more with time but that's entirely your business; I don't think anyone would fault you for that.

May 22, 2016

Moderator statement: Please keep in mind the community guidelines and act responsibly while posting here. Thread jacks will not be entertained to attempt to "control" the responses here, nor will responses to thread jacks.

To those who have remained on topic in a responsible manner to the OP, thank you for your participation.

Thread re-opened.

~ V

Edited May 22, 2016 by Robert

May 22, 2016

OP

My H committed suicide during a spree shooting over a decade ago. At first I thought it would lack integrity to tell the truth when asked. It wasn't your fault just as it wasn't your fault. There is a huge problem when you tell most people they for some reason generally freak out and run away. This is an event in your wife's life story that affected you. I have recently taken my own advice here which I will share with you in the hope it will help:

When asked, "my wife passed away very unexpectedly / suddenly and as I am sure you can imagine, it is a very private matter and I have healed by not repeating the story. I really appreciate you understanding'"

If you are in a relationship that would lead to marriage or living together and you want to, I think it's the right time.

NL x

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(Suicide) At what point in a new relationship do you tell them of your past marriage?

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