Getting used to stability after drama-filled dating life

[simplicity1]

My dating life, perhaps like the dating life of some others here, has been filled with drama. Even my longer term relationships were with unreliable people. Yes, in a lot of cases we had a very strong and real connection, but still they were inherently fiercely independent, unreliable, sarcastic, bold, rulebreaking, types, often with complicated family situations.

 

Now I am dating a wonderful guy. He is super reliable, dependable, mature. It's in real contrast to my previous experiences. But I find myself getting like, complacent and even bored and overly critical of him sometimes, and I strongly suspect this sort of reaction is coming from my history of being drawn to the thrill of the chase, the drama, the emotional ups and downs, of my previous dating prospects and boyfriends.

 

I'm used to guys making fun of me. Of guys only sometimes making time for me. Of getting into fights and sometimes being blown away but a lot of times being let down. I'm used to being the more interested one and the one who has to chase a little more, sometimes a lot more. I get a high off of the feeling of 'winning' the guy. Obviously, my rational brain knows that the reliable, mature type of guy who is willing to make time for me is a far better addition to my life, but how do I grow to appreciate reliable types?

Edited May 20, 2016 by simplicity1

[preraph]

Well, I'm alarmed that you get off on guys making fun of you more than anything. I would ask you to look into your childhood and ask yourself who else in your life made fun of you, wasn't always available, and those other things you seem to be comfortable with. Because we are often drawn to 1) what is familiar from our childhood and 2) what we have already developed skills to deal with from our childhood. This can lead us into some wrong choices in partners. Because their actions seem familiar to us, like we've always known them, like we know how to deal with them.

 

So do some thinking about that.

 

My guess is that as you grow older, what you like will change at least some. But don't go having kids until you are satisfied that your choice of a mate is a rational choice and not just a familiar choice. A man can be a little more available and a LOT less critical than as you describe and still be challenging and no door mat. My guess is you just need something in between, with the best attributes of both types, and then you'll like it fine. Good luck.

[phineas]

And this people of LS is why I won't get serious about women with a history of dating a-holes that treat them badly.

 

I'm not an a-hole & I won't treat a woman badly and eventually they end up losing interest.

[Poutrew]

Tell your guy that you need him to be an A-hole for you to respect him. If he isn't pounding on you, humiliating you , or generally behaving badly, you will never take him seriously and eventually dump him for a guy that beats you. Then take a picture of his face and post it here because I'd love to see his expression... Seriously, if you aren't mature enough to appreciate that you have literally won the jackpot by finding the one in a million guy that other women would kill you for, then just cut him loose and find a doper to pal around with. Problem solved.

[mikeylo]

Be careful what you wish for !

 

A secure, stable relationship is everyone's dream but few get it. It's an effort on both sides. You are getting bored ,lol! Because of no drama.

[LostOnes05]

And this people of LS is why I won't get serious about women with a history of dating a-holes that treat them badly.

 

I'm not an a-hole & I won't treat a woman badly and eventually they end up losing interest.

 

I completely agree with you...a bit sad that this rings true. Being resentful because someone treats you well and respects you blows my mind.

[phineas]

I completely agree with you...a bit sad that this rings true. Being resentful because someone treats you well and respects you blows my mind.

 

 

To go further, if I FWB these types of women they will chase & WANT a relationship.

Once I give it to them they will lose interest.

IF I keep treating them like a FWB while in a relationship they keep wanting me.

Despite the sex they use to keep me around it really isn't that enjoyable being in a "relationship" like that when you actually like the girl because it isn't real.

[Cherryz]

Thats sad to hear.

Sounds like you are use to be abused by men.

 

Its because of low self esteem, but i think also because of childhood experiences that you had which made you look for the more familiar situations to be in.

 

I think things can really change once you have deal and healing from those real issues

and while your self esteem grows.

 

If you just keep change men but never do any real therapeutic work out of your comfort-zone , doing the hard work etc. you will stay drifting at same level.

And the issues will keep coming up, also true your relationships/marriage and your kids life.and your kids may end up choosing same type of bad guys also.

 

So its very important to break the cycle. And do the real work.

Deal with the issues you have. And be aware of them.

 

This guy is different, but dont waste his time and make him pay for the hurt you have from he others. If you not really aware of the whole picture or part of it you cant be different to him fully. But for what you aware of now, use it to do good.

Be honest with him. And try to compliment him on the things that he do that makes you feel good. And accept the good things, instead of trying to compare him to others.

 

And find some self help books and seek a therapist.Work on your self esteem.

 

I also think its better to be a while single, a year or more, and use that time to take care of your issues,travel, read self help books, therapist, speak up about your hurts to people that did stuff in your youth that effected you till now. And be willing to forgive and move on.

You deserve better and you can be a better you. But we all have to be willing to do the work.

[Cherryz]

You need to see and realise that drama isnt the rigth way or healty way to have relationships.

And there is a better way.

 

But you have to really want different life style and thinking!

Otherwise you will be going true life being the victim or the abuser(like your exes).

to get some type of sad high feeling.

 

While thats not why relationships are made for!!!!!!!!

Its suppose to be uplifting, and with respect for each other, loving, caring.

 

If you still lurking for the drama, maybe the problem is not just your exes, but its you!

That try to trigger this out of men or look for those types for some reason.

Have you grow up in a violent house hold? was your dad this way towards your mom?

or your mom towards him?Or this is how adults treated you growing up?

Either way you have to work on this. Otherwise you will keep having guys treating you bad, or the nice ones will run away from you always.

 

Learn to love yourself and respect yourself first, before you try to do it to others and before you look for others to do it to you.

[Emilia]

And this people of LS is why I won't get serious about women with a history of dating a-holes that treat them badly.

 

I'm not an a-hole & I won't treat a woman badly and eventually they end up losing interest.

Couldnt' agree more. When a guy tells me he enjoy the 'rollercoaster relationships' in his past, I'm outta there.

[phineas]

But,

The drama excites her and makes her nether regions tingle.

She will ruin her relationship with this guy & end up with a guy who does make her hot but treats her poorly.

 

And yes, those women who go for bad guys do have serious self-esteem issues.

They are beautiful and yes they proclaim they are not someone's toy and blah,blah,blah but when they end up with a guy who treats them bad they will make nothing but excuses for the way he treats her.

 

Hell, I've seen these women get dumped by the guy for an ex or get hit by him & finally leave but a yr or two later when they text the women respond.

 

I've actually told these women they should have more respect for themselves and no man is going to respect them when they find out they are still in contact with ex's that treated them that badly.

 

Hence why they only end up with jerks that pump and dump.

They are low quality women and damaged.

I sound harsh but its the truth.

[katiegrl]

OP you are addicted to the drama.

 

The highs and lows...the uncertainty, it leaves you on edge which pumps your adrenaline and excites you, keeps you engaged emotionally.

 

It's like playing the slots in Vegas, you never know when you're gonna get the good stuff!

 

When you don't get, you're down depressed.

 

But when you DO get the good stuff.....wow!! There is nothing like it, nothing can match that!!!

 

Are you in therapy?

 

If not please look into.

 

You need to break your addiction.

[Gaeta]

I don't believe in this addicted to drama.

 

Yes your new boyfriend is nice, respectful and all but is he boring? Maybe he is reliable but if he spends his Saturday night looking at his stamps collection than you are just not with the right man!! Does he make you laugh? Does he make you want to be a better person?

 

Yes even if he is honest and considerate, he may not be for you.

 

I dated my load of men with drama, so much I was occasionally accused on here of being addicted to drama, addicted to a-holes, addicted to serial dating, name it. I was not. Once I met a nice man I gave it all up in a heart-beat because I am with the right man. He is not a player, he's reliable, open, honest, respectful, considerate BUT he is also funny!! witty!! Smart, adventurous! He's never boring.

[katiegrl]

I don't believe in this addicted to drama.

 

Yes your new boyfriend is nice, respectful and all but is he boring? Maybe he is reliable but if he spends his Saturday night looking at his stamps collection than you are just not with the right man!! Does he make you laugh? Does he make you want to be a better person?

 

Yes even if he is honest and considerate, he may not be for you.

 

I dated my load of men with drama, so much I was occasionally accused on here of being addicted to drama, addicted to a-holes, addicted to serial dating, name it. I was not. Once I met a nice man I gave it all up in a heart-beat because I am with the right man. He is not a player, he's reliable, open, honest, respectful, considerate BUT he is also funny!! witty!! Smart, adventurous! He's never boring.

 

Glad to hear it's working out for ya, but read her original post again.

 

She knows she has a problem, and admitted she gets off on the instability and drama.

 

That is precisely why she has reached out here.

 

Unless she resolves why it is she gets off on the drama, she will never fully appreciate a good stable guy.

 

Again appreciate that is not how it was for YOU, but we are all different with different experiences.

 

It is sometimes just not as simple as "oh she just hasn't met the right guy."

 

Ugh!

 

People have issues that need resolving . She knows this! Has admitted it.

 

I applaud her for that!

Edited May 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[simplicity1]

Hey thanks for all the replies here. I recognize this as an issue and I WANT to lead a fulfilling relationship with this guy in particular. In response to a few common themes -

 

I was single for 4.5 years prior to beginning a relationship with this man so I have had time to put in for myself.

 

Yes, I do see a therapist

 

I believe this relationship to be high potential and I am taking active steps to make it work, such as being very communicative with him and making him comfortable being communicative with me. I do my very best to compliment him on the things I appreciate about him and we do lots of active and fun things together. We are very affectionate towards each other.

 

Is he 'boring', one person here asks? Well, we are very active together and he's got a lot of passions. I'm generally drawn to more spunky/sarcastic types but It seems somewhat ridiculous of me to make that a requirement. My concern with labeling him 'boring' would be: would i label any reliable guy as boring after 5 months of dating??

 

I think he is further along in terms of emotional investment in the relationship but I think I'm on the right emotional journey.

 

I do not trust assessing him as boring. I think it stems from being unreasonably accustomed to drama/things not working out.

 

As for those asking about my upbringing - I had a very stable childhood with involved, loving, and supportive parents with the one exception that my parents were exceedingly overprotective and caused huge fights with regard to simple romantic experiences in high school with high perceived risk to them (e.g kissing = RISK OF STI!!! Going on a lunch date with a guy 1 year older than me = HES TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. WERE NOT LETTING YOU GO). so I always believed my draw to drama to stem at least in part to a lingering desire to rebel against them and be with people they might not support. Maybe this is why my current boyfriend's desire to be very cautious and rule-following is a turn off.

[simplicity1]

Someone here wrote:

 

"But you have to really want different life style and thinking!"

 

This is probably very true too. I have to first really, in my heart, WANT stability and reliability for it to work out in the end.