eastern_mystique Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 (read "Got pointless and vague text from ex - am wondering what's going through his head" for b/k info) After a week of no more texts, I was starting to think that his texts were just out of curiosity and he had forgotten about me. Then I got this today from his email: Its amazing, were in a place that I never imagined we could be…….we're strangers. I know we agreed not to talk until the end of the exams. So for this I do apologize. For the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, my mind has been focused on the past, more specifically on our past. I realized yesterday that this year has been one of the best, if not the best year of my life so far. I also realized that one of the main reasons for this was us, and the situation we’re in now isn’t right. So why am I telling you this all of a sudden? To be honest I’m not completely sure. What I am sure of though - is that once all of your exams have finished, we should meet up, if you still want to that is? Let me know either way. What the hell does this mean???? Is this a 'wanting to be friends' email? or is it more? help!!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Seems to be he wants more. What was the situation that caused the breakup? What's changed since then? I don't think it's wise to try and pick where you left off. And if he hasn't changed his attitude or you haven't, it won't work. A better question: What do YOU want?
Author eastern_mystique Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 He broke up with me after we were together for three months saying "it doesn't feel right anymore". He didn't want to work it out, or analyse why it was his feelings changed, he just wanted out. He really wanted to be friends, so I tried but it was heart breaking for me, and every time I suggested/ asked him if we could try being together again he said no (even though he said he still feels "something" for me).....so a couple of months ago, I told him that I needed to get away from him and that we couldn't be friends. He was adamant that his feelings wouldn't change and that he wouldn't want to be with me, and that if getting away from him was the best thing for me to get over him then I should do it. We haven't seen each other for close to 2 months, only contact we've had is via text message, which he initiated himself. This email he sent completely shocked me. It seems to be some kind of tentative U-turn on his part. The problem is he's always been inconsistent when it comes to me, and I suppose I should take it as a good sign but he has a tendency to change his mind and the "to be honest I'm not completely sure" line in his email sums up his whole attitude to me. I do want him back more than anything; he was the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I've lost trust in him. I've been hoping and praying that something would change for him and he'd come to some realisation of what it is he feels for me, but I just feel a bit suspicious - miracles are rare events. I'm also in a very fragile state of mind at the moment; I've been suffering from severe depression for the last few weeks (which he doesn't know about) and am having a huge amount of trouble taking my exams or even just doing everyday things, feeling very suicidal too. I would like to see him if only to get this "situation" between us sorted, as he is one of the contributing factors to my depression, but I can't mentally handle being messed around with again. I asked my sister if this was his way of wanting to be friends again, but she said there were a few things written in the email that are not the kind of things you write to someone you want to be friends with. Plus he's not the kind of guy who is particularly vocal about how he feels. Damn, my head hurts. Any advice on how to approach this?
miss-gonewest Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 He definitely wants more.... I think he's seen his mistake and realised (as well as owned up to) his feelings for you. Doing a U-turn on feelings isn't unusual and from the sounds of your posts, I think he really does want to make it up to you and that he now may be ready to commit. This isn't a bad thing - unless its not what you want. If you want him back, then I think the door may be open for a reconciliation, however where you go from here and how you choose to take it is totally up to you. As COIC says "what do you want?" My best advice is to be honest with him. Tell him that his email surprised you, thank him for being so honest (if you feel like it) and tell him that you need time to think about what he has said. Tell him the last few months have been stressful, that you have been unwell (no need to go into detail) and that'd you like to be free to get your exams out of the way and could he wait till then? If he truly does care, then he will give you the space you need... Wow Eastern, I really feel for you - you've had a tough coupla months. Hang in there, we're thinking of you...
Author eastern_mystique Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 Thanks for the kind/ insightful replies, much appreciated. I'm still in mild shock, I can't quite believe it *sounds* like he wants me back. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though..... I think I'll wait a few days before replying, and I'll suggest a day and time for meeting, perhaps in a week or so. May as well hear what he's got to say, but I have to approach this, and him, very cautiously.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by eastern_mystique Thanks for the kind/ insightful replies, much appreciated. I'm still in mild shock, I can't quite believe it *sounds* like he wants me back. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though..... I think I'll wait a few days before replying, and I'll suggest a day and time for meeting, perhaps in a week or so. May as well hear what he's got to say, but I have to approach this, and him, very cautiously. Waiting a few days is good. This will be hard to do, but do not let your heart control your reactions. Let your MIND be your guide and see things in reality for what they were then, what has changed since then, and what YOU want right now. You're in the driver's seat now. Before you meet, I might suggest that you prod him a little to find out what his motives are, what has changed about him and why the "change of heart." You may decide a meeting is unnecessary... Remember, it's what YOU want now. Good luck.
Author eastern_mystique Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 I emailed him back yesterday to ask him what he meant by his email, and this is what I got this morning: It hurt me to read your going through such a rough patch again, if there’s any way I can try and help, let me know (I can imagine that sounds a bit like a sympathy vote – but its genuine). Sorry for being so vague in my last message, I’m thinking that me sending messages of regret over our losing contact, isn’t exactly helping situations. Any way, the main reason for me sending my last email – was my way of telling you that I miss the time we spent together, and hope we can share more of it. I’m not sure if my ambiguity is a good or bad thing, but for once I’m thinking all feelings on the table from the onset, has to be the way forwards: I can’t see us getting back together, as we were, that being said, I deeply want a strong friendship between us. I realize this is coming at a bad time, and again I apologize. I also deeply hope that you start to feel better, and fight your illness as hard as you possibly can. P.S. If you do want to meet over the summer you know where to reach me. Why???? Why does he even care about being friends if he doesn't feel anything for me?? Why does it matter to him at all if we're friends if he doesn't feel any attraction or affection towards me??? Is he a commitment-phobic???? And "I can't see us getting back together, as we were", what does that mean??? That maybe we'll get back together but it'll be completely different or sometime in the future???? Why the hell does he want to hold onto me if he doesn't want to be with me now???? Oh my God, I'm so depressed I wish I wasn't alive.......
miss-gonewest Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 WOW! He totally proved me wrong... and dammit, I hate being wrong!!! I thought he really wanted you back... what a toad! I personally think now (I didn't want to believe it before) that they just give you the "friends offer" to ease any feelings of guilt they may have about hurting you. Its almost like a disclaimer - they've done the good guy thing, they have no guilt, and yes it hurts you, but if something happens.... then they did the right thing. Cruel, but true. Eastern, I heard basically the exact same line last week ("I can’t see us getting back together, as we were, but I'd still really like to be friends.") so I know how much it hurts.... and how confusing it is! Silly me I actually took up the offer! Duh! We talked it over, put our rules and expectations on the table, and I thought there was going to be a way forward and we could still stay in touch. We were due to catch up 2 nights ago (first time since the split) but he cancelled on me - to go the pub with the boys (for the whole weekend mind!). How sad is that? I honestly thought that we could make it work, but what I didn't realise is that it was a totally one sided offer. Meaning that yes, we still could be friends - but on his terms and his terms only. That obviously means at his whim, when it suits him, when he is ready and for his purposes only. And that's not what being friends is about... I have no choice now but to cut off all contact - so not only have I lost my partner and lover, but now my friend. Yeah it hurts, and yeah I am so angry but I know that its his loss. I don't want a friend like that in my life, and I have now lost respect for him for being so flaky and transparent... its almost quite sad!!! I know it really sucks being you right now - and I know he has had you on a rollercoaster which has been totally unfair, but cut him off. I see the whole 'friends' charade as being really pathetic - and I don't need any more of anything pathetic in my life right now!!! And neither do you. Get through your exams - look forward to summer and shrug this controlling and confusing man off.... he has all the cards right now, and he is playing you. You deserve so much better honey... trust me.
cadnoess Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Aaah so sorry to hear that for a million reasons. This guy has no idea what he's doing to you, does he? Sounds to me like he misses you, wants to be close, but has some doubt that means he can't commit. He's afraid of something. Go easy on him, don't hit him with too much emotion- if you think he's worth it, or be honest and ditch your hopes on this one. He keeps coming closer and then bailing...
Jas Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 I feel for you right now. I've had this happen in the past w/ a guy who just seemed to need a little more time to come around. He would emphasize how important it was for him to be friends one minute and then he'd start flirting sexually over the phone/IM. If I knew then what I know now - I would have cut him off and ended his opportunities to prolong my misery, questioning and self-doubt from the start! I also lost about 25lbs dealing w/ this scum bag b/c I was constantly trying to de-code his mixed signals, as you are right now. With that said - END CONTACT with this guy! I know you're feeling like absolute crap right now, but at least you can rely on the stability of your sad emotions when you're NOT dealing with him...because I know when you ARE dealing with him - it involves too many ups and downs and is an emotional rollercoaster that you know you shouldn't have to deal with. Good luck, and one day when you think back, I promise you that you will want to kick yourself for giving him as much time as you have. You will find the guy that you didn't think existed!
Author eastern_mystique Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 Me and my ex are back together (not sure whether this is a good thing or not at present). I know, I know....I'm thinking 'huh, what the hell? how did this happen?' After his last email, I felt awful. But later that evening I called him to actually *talk* to him to get a bit more clarification. It was weird at first but he was very happy to hear from me. We made some small talk for a while, or rather he did because I didn't want to give too much away. But then I got down to the fundamentals and asked him why he even cares about being friends with me when he doesn't want to be with me and he said he doesn't know why but there's something in the back of his mind that won't let it go. He said he missed me. He said that he doesn't know why his feelings changed but that he just stopped wanting to do the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing. I didn't give him too many details about my illness, but I made it understood that I wasn't in a brilliant state of mind and that I wasn't sure about meeting him. He said that he really did want to meet me but that he would leave it up to me as he didn't want to upset me and make me feel worse. Anyway, a week and a bit later after much deliberating on my part I agreed to meet him. It was weird for the first couple of hours as I was alternating between being cold and distant and familiar and friendly; I didn't know how to act. For his part he was familiar and friendly and very aware that I wasn't comfortable. We made small talk for a while. A couple of hours later we went somewhere else and I don't know if it was the change of venue or what but we both opened up a bit more. He told me that he missed me 'like mad' and that he felt that when he was with me and even after the breakup that he was a better person. I told him that I had missed him a lot too, and that I had been lonely and hurt. Maybe it was here that there was the turning point, but he told me that I made him melt and that he just wanted to hold me. So he did, and we held each other very tightly for about 5 minutes. After that we lay in each others arms for the rest of the evening, with our hands intertwined. He said it felt natural and right. It was confusing but nice. At the end of the evening, he said he wanted to see me again, so we met the next day, this time at his house and we watched a film. He put his arm around me, like when we were going out, and although I was a little hesitant I gave in and leaned up against him. During the course of the movie and afterwards we got close with our arms around each other and ended up kissing. At some point he said 'why did we ever break up?' and I said 'I don't know, you tell me'. He said something about it not feeling right at the time, but that now it does. At some point I stopped what we were doing saying to him that this wasn't right, I didn't want to be used and I didn't want to be his friend with benefits. He said that he wasn't doing either, but that we'd only gotten back in contact since the day before and he wanted to take things slowly. I said fine, but it's not as if we're strangers . He said that boyfriend/girlfriend was only a label and that all it meant was exclusivity, but I said nothing doing; if we're not going out, then we can't act like we are. So he said, 'okay then, we're officially going out'. We've agreed to take it slowly. So 4 months and 2 days after we split up, we're going out again. I haven't seen him since Tuesday (when all this happened) but he's texted me and we spoke last night on the phone. We'll probably see each other in about a week. None of this feels quite real; I'm suffering from serious depression and so nothing feels real anyway....and my self-esteem has plummeted, partly because of the breakup as well as the depression....I just keep thinking 'what's the catch?' I feel uncomfortable around him because I'm so self-conscious of myself....I've never had brilliant skin (my only hangup) but I think the misery I've been in since the breakup has just made my skin a whole lot worse.......I just feel so inadequate compared to him, even though my family tell me I'm really pretty with a great personality and that the makeup I'm using covers up my scars fine, and that my skin is already getting better....I just feel so weird around him......and I'm so scared he's gonna break up with me again..........he says he really cares about me, but I'm so scared of feeling happy about this....... Sorry, just an incoherent rant.
JS17 Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 i think you should be wary of this guy. if you want to be with him then take it slow and don't get too attached emotionally. take your time to work on yourself and make yourself better and make him a secondary part of your life. but that's just my humble opinion.
upsetnhurt Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Take it real slow eastern. I have been spending all my time with my ex for the last three months subsequent to being broken up for six months. We have been intimate during that time and I tend to find that each and every time we get close to realizing our potential she gets spooked and runs for the hills. Then the roller coaster starts again. We don't talk for a day or so, then argue a bit, and then make up. It is getting to a point that I don't even care if I am with her anymore....she is certainly not the "whole package" I thought she was when I met her. Be careful and don't put all of yourself out there. Know that during these initial times you need to be wary and take things real slowly. Best of luck to you and get out of that depression .
cadnoess Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 I’m so pleased for you! Hang in there- he obviously really likes you, as he knows how fragile you are and he’s still trying to get involved. I think he’s quite scared, and the fact that he still wants you even knowing how easily he could be responsible for hurting you is a good sign! As for you feeling inferior to him, don’t you believe it! Noone gets attached to someone they don’t find beautiful. Good luck and take it really easy- and for gods sake make sure you know what “take it slow” means to him, cos I didn’t have a clue! Keep up a social life too so you have something to fall back on if it goes pear shaped again, but enjoy him! You can't hold back from these things and still do them properly. But be gentle with him- keep it light for a while.
blackendangel13 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Eastern please be careful with this guy. I have been following your posts because they are very similar to mine and this guy seems extremely inconsistent. I would suggest you break the ties if he goes back to being wishy washy again. I know exactly what you are going through. I have been extremely depressed lately and it surprises me how well I am hiding it from people. This depression has at times made me cling to people that are detrimental to my well-being. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Its a hard fight. Just don't let this guy make it worse. I wish you the best.
Author eastern_mystique Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 Thanks for all the kind and insightful replies, people - much appreciated Originally posted by IfiKnewTheneastern, what happened to you guys? Do you mean why did we break up? We were together for close to 3 months and then suddenly he just didn't want to be with me anymore, he said it didn't feel right. I saw him today, we spent a few hours together, playing video games and watching a movie and talking. I asked him why it was different this time around. He said that last time it was based more on physical attraction and being physical with each other (which we were, although in my opinion we had a great emotional/ mental connection the first time around too), and that this time although that factor is still there, it's not as much to do with that and more to do with deeper feelings. I have noticed that this time around, although we have had our arms around each other/ kissed/ held hands, we aren't as physical with each other and it doesn't have that same intensity or passion; it's more sweet and gentle, which I don't mind to be honest (given my feelings about my own body image at present/ lack of confidence due to depression). Anyway, not much else to write about at the moment (plus I'm tired). Hopefully things between me and SO will progress nicely and there won't be any nasty surprises or misfortunes, but life and exes/ current boyfriends can be extremely capricious as I'm sure everyone here knows. Take care everyone.
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