Still not over emotionless ex

[jmo28]

I dated a wealthy girl for about a year. I never considered myself a gold digging type, but will not lie, the level of security her wealth brought, made me feel more relaxed about the future and my career. We went to fancy parties at her parents' house and had a nice beach house last summer, making it one of the best of my life. However, I never felt like I was connecting with her emotionally. She said at one point that she had walls up, and that I had to take down those walls. She could be affectionate when we were cuddling in bed etc, but was a person lacking warmth. I am a talkative person and felt like I could not have a conversation with her. When i tried to get to know her better or make myself more known talking about my childhood, she said I talked about my childhood too much.

 

She generally wanted me to do all the work--i had to take down her walls, i had to pay for most meals (despite the fact we are both professionals-me a lawyer, she in real estate and made about the same salary)--and she wanted to go out to fancy restaurants 4 nights a week, I had to adjust to her schedule etc. Finally we confessed that neither of us felt comfortable talking around each other--we would be out with other couples chatting away, but the minute it was just the 2 of us, we would talk about the weather and small talk.

 

Her coldness made me project a lot of insecurities on her. For instance, not thinking I made enough (again i'm an attorney-i'm not wealthy, but i make a good salary-but not on the level of her family), not thinking she supported me in my career (i'm thinking of changing jobs-sort of at a crossroads), not even thinking i satisfied her in bed. After I cried and revealed all this to her, she said all of that was in my head. I thought it was a breakthrough and we could connect. But 2 weeks later (after using my apartment to stay in one week while a friend from London was using hers), she broke it off. I didn't want to discuss it at length or meet in person, so I just left her a wistful card saying I had some of the best experiences of my life with her and wish her the best.

 

This past week, I found out through facebook (before I unfollowed her; i have now) that she was joining a matchmaking site for "accomplished and discriminating" individuals which matches women with titans of industry, so i guess she felt she needed a guy in her social class after the experience with me.

Its only been a few weeks and I still feel sad about the whole thing. But-i think I miss the experiences more than her (aside from companionship, knowing i was settled etc)-as least I think I do. It can be hard to tell. But i recognize while it was not abusive or anything it was not compatible-with her controlling nature-controlling my schedule and wanting me to change for her without any compromise. She basically was telling me what apartment we would live in that her family was buying. I said i wanted to be involved with buying an apartment and she said she's not living in a small apartment I would buy (little does she know I could afford more than she thought). Bottom line-it would not have worked. She is dying to have kids--wanted to get pregnant asap before even any wedding we would have. I want kids too but a strong partnership first. She wanted a lifestyle, not a partnership. I guess she'll get that with the matchmaking service.

 

But-with summer coming, and with less friends around as I get older-I know this summer won't be like the last one-and thats hard. Its a lifestyle loss as much as it is a breakup. Not the wealth per se but the experiences and all the friends she has from college that live where we live. Its like I broke up with all of them. I guess I got a taste of the good life-and now I'm just normal old me again. Anyway, i don't have much to ask-my friends are sick of hearing about it so i thought I'd post on here.

Edited May 1, 2016 by jmo28

[jmo28]

I posted about my ex once before but thought I'd go into more depth this time.

I met a girl in April of last year who came on very strong physically. I initially tried to slow things down but eventually gave in and we had sex on like date number 4 (we were both on vacation the same city coincidentally so i stayed in her hotel room). At first I thought she was very clingy, but she fed into my own insecurities/seeking out relationship correcting a prior insecurity--basically she was the attractive, wealthy, ivy league sorority girl who would never date me in college. I got taken in by all of that. For the rest of the calendar year, she put me on a pedestal, showing me off to her many wealthy sorority sister friends and her family. Her family is very wealthy-there were chefs cooking us dinner, trips to Vail (and i don't even ski), Florida, etc--but they were also very standoffish. Her parents I'm told really liked me but never really asked me any real questions to get to know me other than a few basic ones. Her brothers, both of whom seem to be in unhappy marriages, seemed jealous of me, perhaps because I was better educated (i'm not bragging-just speculating) then them and they were pretty much living off the family business.

 

Still-we got along well and regularly spent 6 nights a week together-BUT I never felt we were connecting emotionally. She told me around October that she had walls up and I had to break down her walls. In fact, generally I had to change for her. I had to spend money more--ie pay for 98% of the dinners, well past the courtship period when we both made the same annual salary.I had to adjust my schedule to hers, which included yoga classes she would usually not move. I was told in late June that every weekend was spoken for for us until late September and I could maybe do something I wanted to do then. I pushed back, called her controlling, but generally liked what we were doing so let it go for a time.

All this time, i was enjoying the experiences and thinking toward the future, thinking she would eventually open up. She never did. Because of this, it took me a long time to tell her I loved her-not until December. Then we started having some arguments about the future. She wanted me to move into an apartment her parents were buying with me having no say in the apartment or being involved with paying for it. I pushed back. We had more fights about money and I eventually told her how much I made (which is a good salary by conventional standards) but she make me feel insecure about it. She claimed when we broke up that it was all in my head, but she would say things like "maybe you should look for a job sooner rather than later" or "you can't support a family on that salary". She talked of quitting work when we married and getting a full time nanny so she could work out all day and look sexy for her husband. I told her taking care of kids or working turns me on more than that.

After this time--which was about the new year, things started heading down hill. As I said she was always emotionally distant (although I should say she was very affectionate once we were in bed, on the couch etc) and I felt like we had nothing to talk about beyond surface level stuff and the weather. I have many interests-piano, hiking, history, art, music--she was not really interested in any of them.

 

Anyway-you might all be wondering why i stayed with this person-I think i got taken in by the lifestyle and perhaps it filled in an insecurity I have about my career. In addition, her friends are all accomplished people (drs, lawyers, etc) that I enjoyed spending time with and was intellectually stimulated by. But one on one-it was difficult to connect.

 

Anyway-we finally told each other we did not feel comfortable around each other-and we separated for a few days (after a long hug from her where she didn't let go and told me she loved me, kissing me on the neck etc), got back together (although I think this was just her prolonging it for a week because she was staying with me while a friend of hers from London was using her apt. I revealed all these insecurities I had about how much money I made, her wealth, even sexual stuff. Because she was almost robotic (my friends said "lacking warmth", "business friendly" etc) that its easy to project the worst onto her. She said I had nothing to be insecure about. Anyway, she then broke it off right after she was not staying with me that week. I felt like we had started to connect but she seemed to not want to try to work on things or compromise or anything. She is going to be 34 in July and desperately wants kids. I want kids too but its like I felt like a sperm machine to her and supporting player in the story of her life.

 

When we broke up, i simply said ok and exchanged stuff, leaving her a card that slightly left the door open while also telling her I had many happy times with her and last summer was one of the best of my life, before wishing her luck. She simply replied by text "thanks for the card, i really appreciated it".

There was so more exchange over a sports bra she left in my apt I had forgotten to give to her for which she was going to send a messenger service to pick up--i dropped it off at her place instead and that was it. All through the break-up she was businesslike as if the whole thing meant nothing.

 

I found out she joined an elite matchmaking service matching girls to "titans of industry" with "accomplished and discriminating" tastes. Sort of made me angry, sort of helped me start to move on.

 

Anyway, i find myself just annoyed that I wasted a year with her-although I learned a lot, I sort of feel like she seduced me with this lifestyle and put me on a pedestal before the honeymoon period ended and then threw me out. However, I also know we had no real strong emotional connection. Still, i'm hurt-i think by the lifestyle and companionship I lost/starting over and being almost 38 and still single. Still, i'm doing what I should be doing. Eating right, working out, meditating, meeting new people, started dating. Just still not sleping well 6.5 weeks after the breakup and just sort of annoyed that I'm still hurt and she probably felt nothing about the whole thing. And, no I am not contacting her--but I do in moments of weakness look at her facebook page which I have to stop--thats how i found out about the matchmaker.

 

Female friends and gay friends of mine tell me she is so stupid. That i'm good looking, intelligent, successful and a real mensch-that she didn't deserve me. I suppose thats what friends say.

 

I wonder if she was ever in love with me or if she knows how to love. I have to let it go and just move on-but we all know thats hard. I feel like with her emotional walls, she is a somewhat emotionally damaged person that should get help, but thats not my job to tell her something like that and certainly not anymore. Anyway, i thought i would post here and appreciate your support. Writing it out just helps me feel better.

[sorano]

I kind of can relate. I was the more lovable, more kind, over the top person in my last relationship. she had walls up as well because of her past. I also dont think she fully loved me.

 

what I learned from this was, you cannot fix damaged goods. I tried, but failed. My ex, imo, needs help and has to resolve whatever issues she has before getting into a relationship. IMO, she was not ready.

 

Its not easy when you love someone so much and you get nothing in return. You dont get the same love back. But now I tell myself, time to go find someone better.

[jmo28]

You're exactly right--a part of me wishes I could tell her what she needs, but she's stubborn and when you've gotten everything you've ever wanted your entire life easily, its hard to admit you have to put in the personal work for something. She's also too busy being obsessed with having babies ASAP.

 

Anyway, just have to move on--but obviously easier said than done.

[Weathersf1]

Welcome to the heart break club. 5 months in and I'm still struggling and reasoning with the ghosts of past. It does get easier but it never gets easy. I lost 3 years of my life but like you learned a lot too.

 

Hang in there. Stop looking her up. It'll be ok. At least that's what they tell me.

[tinkerbell16]

I posted about my ex once before but thought I'd go into more depth this time.

I met a girl in April of last year who came on very strong physically. I initially tried to slow things down but eventually gave in and we had sex on like date number 4 (we were both on vacation the same city coincidentally so i stayed in her hotel room). At first I thought she was very clingy, but she fed into my own insecurities/seeking out relationship correcting a prior insecurity--basically she was the attractive, wealthy, ivy league sorority girl who would never date me in college. I got taken in by all of that. For the rest of the calendar year, she put me on a pedestal, showing me off to her many wealthy sorority sister friends and her family. Her family is very wealthy-there were chefs cooking us dinner, trips to Vail (and i don't even ski), Florida, etc--but they were also very standoffish. Her parents I'm told really liked me but never really asked me any real questions to get to know me other than a few basic ones. Her brothers, both of whom seem to be in unhappy marriages, seemed jealous of me, perhaps because I was better educated (i'm not bragging-just speculating) then them and they were pretty much living off the family business.

 

Still-we got along well and regularly spent 6 nights a week together-BUT I never felt we were connecting emotionally. She told me around October that she had walls up and I had to break down her walls. In fact, generally I had to change for her. I had to spend money more--ie pay for 98% of the dinners, well past the courtship period when we both made the same annual salary.I had to adjust my schedule to hers, which included yoga classes she would usually not move. I was told in late June that every weekend was spoken for for us until late September and I could maybe do something I wanted to do then. I pushed back, called her controlling, but generally liked what we were doing so let it go for a time.

All this time, i was enjoying the experiences and thinking toward the future, thinking she would eventually open up. She never did. Because of this, it took me a long time to tell her I loved her-not until December. Then we started having some arguments about the future. She wanted me to move into an apartment her parents were buying with me having no say in the apartment or being involved with paying for it. I pushed back. We had more fights about money and I eventually told her how much I made (which is a good salary by conventional standards) but she make me feel insecure about it. She claimed when we broke up that it was all in my head, but she would say things like "maybe you should look for a job sooner rather than later" or "you can't support a family on that salary". She talked of quitting work when we married and getting a full time nanny so she could work out all day and look sexy for her husband. I told her taking care of kids or working turns me on more than that.

After this time--which was about the new year, things started heading down hill. As I said she was always emotionally distant (although I should say she was very affectionate once we were in bed, on the couch etc) and I felt like we had nothing to talk about beyond surface level stuff and the weather. I have many interests-piano, hiking, history, art, music--she was not really interested in any of them.

 

Anyway-you might all be wondering why i stayed with this person-I think i got taken in by the lifestyle and perhaps it filled in an insecurity I have about my career. In addition, her friends are all accomplished people (drs, lawyers, etc) that I enjoyed spending time with and was intellectually stimulated by. But one on one-it was difficult to connect.

 

Anyway-we finally told each other we did not feel comfortable around each other-and we separated for a few days (after a long hug from her where she didn't let go and told me she loved me, kissing me on the neck etc), got back together (although I think this was just her prolonging it for a week because she was staying with me while a friend of hers from London was using her apt. I revealed all these insecurities I had about how much money I made, her wealth, even sexual stuff. Because she was almost robotic (my friends said "lacking warmth", "business friendly" etc) that its easy to project the worst onto her. She said I had nothing to be insecure about. Anyway, she then broke it off right after she was not staying with me that week. I felt like we had started to connect but she seemed to not want to try to work on things or compromise or anything. She is going to be 34 in July and desperately wants kids. I want kids too but its like I felt like a sperm machine to her and supporting player in the story of her life.

 

When we broke up, i simply said ok and exchanged stuff, leaving her a card that slightly left the door open while also telling her I had many happy times with her and last summer was one of the best of my life, before wishing her luck. She simply replied by text "thanks for the card, i really appreciated it".

There was so more exchange over a sports bra she left in my apt I had forgotten to give to her for which she was going to send a messenger service to pick up--i dropped it off at her place instead and that was it. All through the break-up she was businesslike as if the whole thing meant nothing.

 

I found out she joined an elite matchmaking service matching girls to "titans of industry" with "accomplished and discriminating" tastes. Sort of made me angry, sort of helped me start to move on.

 

Anyway, i find myself just annoyed that I wasted a year with her-although I learned a lot, I sort of feel like she seduced me with this lifestyle and put me on a pedestal before the honeymoon period ended and then threw me out. However, I also know we had no real strong emotional connection. Still, i'm hurt-i think by the lifestyle and companionship I lost/starting over and being almost 38 and still single. Still, i'm doing what I should be doing. Eating right, working out, meditating, meeting new people, started dating. Just still not sleping well 6.5 weeks after the breakup and just sort of annoyed that I'm still hurt and she probably felt nothing about the whole thing. And, no I am not contacting her--but I do in moments of weakness look at her facebook page which I have to stop--thats how i found out about the matchmaker.

 

Female friends and gay friends of mine tell me she is so stupid. That i'm good looking, intelligent, successful and a real mensch-that she didn't deserve me. I suppose thats what friends say.

 

I wonder if she was ever in love with me or if she knows how to love. I have to let it go and just move on-but we all know thats hard. I feel like with her emotional walls, she is a somewhat emotionally damaged person that should get help, but thats not my job to tell her something like that and certainly not anymore. Anyway, i thought i would post here and appreciate your support. Writing it out just helps me feel better.

 

Ask yourself what exactly are you missing? Trips to Vail? You speak of her shallow nature, coldness and general lack of interest in you as a person. If she was not "well connected" how much appeal would she have? I suspect you are not missing her as much as the experiences she came with. She sounds shallow and your qualities would likely have never been appreciated by her. Consider yourself lucky to not have ended up like her unhappy brothers and focus on a girl who will appreciate you more.

 

I run in similar circles... and I have learned money pays bills and buys experiences but doesn't equate to happiness.

[jmo28]

You're so right, Tinkerbell and I realize that. I was gallivanting around and having fun with her friends etc, but never really enjoying her one on one. I think i just liked the companionship. Still we were able to spend 6 nights a week and I found that I was more productive at work, reading more books, and overall just a more productive person when I was in the relationship. Key will be to find someone I like spending time with one on one who also makes me feel good and productive in that way.

I'm now sleeping a lot better and dating again-though still not over her--or should I say the experiences. But like all of us on here, just keep moving forward.

 

I sort of feel bad for her--she may never know real love.

Edited June 8, 2016 by jmo28

[jmo28]

I wrote on here last spring about a breakup I had which I felt like I was finally getting over around mid September. Then suddenly I was laid off. It was purely economic and my manager did not even know about it. It came from higher up in the company. Being a lawyer and being somewhat senior (but feeling my knowledge doesn't always feel like i'm so senior) this makes going back to a firm difficult without business. Having a family that is not very supportive about either the breakup or the layoff (and making me feel bad about the fact that I'm 38 and my life is not in order) has left that as not an option to go to.

I had a layoff earlier in my career and I even talked about it on here like 10 yrs ago, but now I feel more isolated than I ever have. Its like all of the loss becomes cumulative. I think back to a year ago when I was in Vail with my ex celebrating New Years and now i worry about the future and i'm really down on myself. Meanwhile I think about that ex i mentioned above but I know thats just loneliness and I quickly realize she was not the right person. I just miss the experiences.

 

Some days i have no motivation to get out of bed. I see a therapist who suggested maybe meds but i'm afraid to get on them and decided I need to get back into a workout routine which will hopefully help.

I grew up being a good student and everything seemed to come easy for me, and then in my career and personal life I just feel i've hit brick walls. I'm told I'm a good looking guy and i can meet people but its like i don't even have that much motivation given the career situation.

Many people thought 2016 was a horrible year because of world events and I agree but for me it was the most difficult year of my life. I even have a tingling in my foot and leg--and MRI on my back and nerve scan on my leg showed nothing so perhaps its just stress and anxiety though going back to the doc to get it further checked out.

 

 

I don't know what i'm looking for posting on here-i just have some days where its so cold outside and i feel trapped in my apartment and I just wanted to type out my thoughts. I was so optimistic for the new year but for some reason today I'm just not feeling so much better (though perhaps its because i'm hung over from hanging with a friend here last night). I feel trapped in my career and life. I know there are people that have it much worse than me and I am thankful for what I do have. I have saved a lot and have no debt. I guess i just hope I start getting some wins in life because it just seems like there's been a lot of losses.

[umirano]

You need to find work, if you haven't already. I've made similar experiences to you. One of the problems I faced was that I always had this inner debate going on whether or not all this "was my fault". It doesn't help to analyze the past too much. I don't believe it was my fault. Sometimes we just enter relationships that turn out to be less than ideal, there wasn't much we could have done about it beforehand. Same thing with the layoff. If you haven't fncked over your boss or colleagues it's not really on you, but when you're out of work, which is to say out of a daily dose of satisfaction, it's really easy to self-attribute everything. Break that cycle by doing something meaningful with your day. That should take care of the getting out of bed problem as well.

 

That ex was not right for you. It's over. If you haven't connected really, what's there to gain from reminiscing? Stop doing it. Date casually if that helps you getting distracted. Be selfish, make yourself happy, and luck will find you. A sort of bootstrapping, fake-it-till-you-make-it approach, but it's fairly effective!

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened and it is hard to lose a relationship. However, this woman was cold, snobby and controlling. She was asking you to take down walls but it sounds like she didn't want them removing anyway. She was simply not engaging with you on an emotional level. You acknowledge that yourself and the difficulties of talking to her. I agree you are probably missing the lifestyle and promise of connection and high status that she symbolised rather than her.

 

You are bound to feel sad at this point. Any kind of rejection is a threatening experience and you have experienced that in jobs in the past too, as many of us have in this economic climate. You haven't lost a wonderful girl, just a social climber. You have a lot to offer someone loving and worthy of you. You may need to think about what really matters in life. Status is great of course, as is wealth, but what do you want to come home to at night? Love and conversation perhaps, a real connection, a woman you are addicted to who is exciting and interesting to talk to?

 

It sounds like you are working through your feelings and trying to tease out what really mattered to you here. She may go on to a high status guy but he is not going to gain much with a cold and distant partner. If you want real excitement and joy in your life, learn what love and connection really mean.

Edited January 2, 2017 by spiderowl

[jmo28]

Thanks yeah--truth is i don't blame myself since this was a purely economic layoff. Its more how difficult my industry is (talk to your lawyer friends) when you have any layoff-let alone 2. I don't know when i'll be employed again.

 

On the other stuff-yeah been dating a little for distraction and a lot of this is based around having too much time on my hands. I think the layoff just sort of made me feel like rock bottom territory.

It could be a sign to do something completely different with my life. I guess i just felt like I'd have everything together by now at my age.