IreneA Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Frist - sorry for the wall of text, drama, and yet another piece of evidence of WHY YOU NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH 'SEPARATED' PEOPLE! Ahem... I started dating a guy over a year ago who was divorcing his wife. They have one child and the wife has Borderline Personality Disorder (aka she pushes him away and then dramatically finds a way to force them back together). He was torn about breaking up the family, but at a basic level he just doesn't like/respect/trust his wife. But he ultimately didn't have the tools to stand up to a woman with BPD... She sent me a message on New Years, telling me she was 6 weeks pregnant with his child and that she would get him back. So I was the one to break the news that he was going to be a father with her again. I was willing to work through things - because the only time he would have been able to have had sex with her was after his good friend passed away and he was black-out drunk at the wake. But he kind of freaked out the day he found out and he had a long talk with his wife - and ended up sleeping on the couch at her house because 'he was so worn out after talking with her'. He knew that decision would mean things were over with us. Of course, then there was kind of the lingering 'but when things are over with the wife, we will be together in the end' kind of thing that ended up happening. I let things drag on for another few months, but he started getting more and more distant. A month ago, I told him I was done and I took him and all of his friends off of my social media accounts. We have been fully NC since. We live in a small town, although I'm not from here and I'm not too connected to the gossip. I did manage to hear that the wife's due date is a full month later than it 'should' have been - which is a timeframe that she had a short fling with a different man and didn't even lay eyes on my ex. My ex boyfriend is kind of an idiot when it comes to women's health issues, so I can see him not doing the count-9-months-back kind of thing to realize the math doesn't add up. Heck, I can even see him not realizing a pregnancy IS 9 months. And he's said that he wants a paternity test, but money will be quite tight for him and I can see him not being able to afford it at the time of delivery. So do I try to confirm when her due date is and connect the dots for him if the due date is off? Or do I just sit back and think about what a shame it is that he might be getting manipulated on a colossal scale, yet again? I'd basically have to ask him directly, because anyone that I know to ask is closer with him than me and it would get back to him that I was asking around after him. While I still wish things were different, I also recognize that he and I were codependent just like he and his wife are codependent. So massive changes would be required for he and I to have a future - and I just don't think he is interested in that. But at the same time, I don't think that breaking NC for this would send me back into a death-spiral of codependency... What should I do?
LD1990 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Stay out of it. This isn't worth the headache, and you have an ulterior motive (on some level, you still have hope of getting back together with him) that is likely clouding your judgment here. You're making assumptions about when the two of them could have had sex, you really can't know for sure that the only time was after his friend's funeral. Leave them to their drama. 1
DreamP Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 If you have figured it out, lots of other people in his life will have figured it out as well. They can be responsible for telling him. It's not you business. 1
brianj1990 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Do what you think is right. It's not your place though.
Bufo Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Rarely do I get to answer in just a few words. So It's Not Your Problem You Are Not Part of the Solution Leave It Alone
BC1980 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Stay out of it. I think you would get a heck of a lot more than you bargained for if you contact him. You are assuming a lot. Your motivation is to get him back, plain and simple. Your motivation is not in the name of doing the right thing. Don't kid yourself.
Heracles Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) If you have no qualms in watching him dedicate at least 18 years of his life raising a child that isn't his, then don't say anything. I can guarantee that almost nobody will care about his situation. Everybody will "stay out of it" because "it's not their problem" Human nature is so beautiful Edited May 21, 2016 by Heracles
Recommended Posts