Dating With Children Question

[jacarter2016]

I've been dating a man for just under a year. He's divorced and has kids, I've met the kids, they know me, like me, etc. . the problem I have is that anytime I mention about all of us doing something together or attempt to make plans for all of us when he has his kids I always get a response that basically equates to he'll ask their permission. For example I recently asked if we could all go to dinner one night and his response was he would check with the kids and see. It's not a matter of checking with the kids to see if they have something else planned, it's very clearly a situation of he'll check with the kids to basically get their blessing. I am very understanding of his time with his kids and have never tried overstepping my boundaries as far as trying to spend too much time with him/them when he has them, because I understand the importance of one on one time with your children. However, I also understand the importance of being a parent and an adult and not letting your children call the shots and especially when it comes to something as simple as going to dinner together. We are in a long term committed relationship and as our relationship continues to grow and evolve so will the time we spend all together (meaning me, him, his kids and mine) and I certainly don't want to always be in the position of feeling like I have children deciding the fate of plans I'm / we're making. I've discussed this with him and the response I've received is that he's not asking their permission, he's just "running it by them", which in my eyes is no different than asking their permission, because if they say no they don't want to, then what's he going to say or tell me. He says he always wants his children to feel that he's considering their feelings and putting them first. I've explained to him that with as devoted of a father as he is and with how much love he shows his children, I am certain his children feel nothing less than first in his life and wouldn't feel anything less than first if he were to say "hey we're going to dinner with XYZ" versus asking them if they want to or asking them if it's okay.

 

Anyone dealt with this before and even if you've not dealt with it, what are your thoughts on it, as I'd like to get a sense as to whether others can relate to how I'm feeling about this or if I'm totally off base with my feelings. Thanks in advance.

Edited May 20, 2016 by jacarter2016

[DDMSS]

I've just recently run into this too, the child being 16 years old. I've thought the same way as you, all the while chastising myself for doing so. Sometimes I think of it as if the 16-year-old were anyone else who didn't feel like going somewhere or doing something, or had other plans, etc. That helps decrease my annoyance, thinking about how I wouldn't want to be forced to do something when I'm just not feeling it.

 

That doesn't mean that I never think to myself, "Who's the parent here?" or "Why are we doing as the children dictate?" I don't think you're off-base at all, especially if it happens frequently, or if it drastically cuts into the time you are able to spend with your SO. Thankfully my SO has picked up on it when it has become too often for us, and he has taken steps to keep it from running our weekends and downtime for us.

 

I hope you can find a solution together and work something out soon.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How old are his kids?

[coolheadal]

I've been in a situation like this last year. Not much you can do about it. This is the way they are treated with him. Your not for it but you have no choice than to put up with it. Even though it bothers you so much. The child or kids have the right to choose what they want to do. Your not their mom and of the kids father. In my situation the mother had the child calling the shots too. I found away around this things. I know might be considered sneaky but it work in my favor. She always wanted the mother to sit in the back with her. While I drive. But it got to the point every time we gone somewhere the child wanted the her mother riding in the back where I would be in the front by myself always.

 

Funny I drive SUV not a School Bus. So what I had did was to removed one of the back seats out so there was only one seat for the child car seat. Of coarse the child didn't want to ride in my SUV but I told her think of it as a way to get to the rear window and make believe the SUV was a small barbie doll house on wheels and she never cried about having her mother in the rear seat again. So I say work with them and see what you can do. Your BF has to bend to your ways if he is willing to try sounds like he won't do that. I was clever but I got my way. But still the little girl then wanted me in the back seat with her when her mom was driving her her SUV. Like the kid was calling the shots and the mom just allowed it.

[PrettyEmily77]

No so much advice as sharing my experience so far:

 

I'm in a relationship with a father of 2 teenagers and that issue hasn't really come up. The first thing 'we' all did together was attending the younger one's school play thing because he had a part in it then we all went to dinner. The boys were just told I'd be there and that's it.

 

We recently moved in together and I don't think he ran anything past them; he told them, they seemed cool with it, and that's that.

 

I don't have kids myself but I like the way he parents them - kind of no nonsense, laying down the law when needed but not too forcefully; the boys respect him a lot, which is probably the main reason me entering their lives when fairly smoothly most of the time. It's still a learning curve (for me, mostly) but the fact SO is so attentive to their needs as well as mine has made all the difference.

[jacarter2016]

How old are his kids?

Kids are 6 & 11

[jacarter2016]

I've just recently run into this too, the child being 16 years old. I've thought the same way as you, all the while chastising myself for doing so. Sometimes I think of it as if the 16-year-old were anyone else who didn't feel like going somewhere or doing something, or had other plans, etc. That helps decrease my annoyance, thinking about how I wouldn't want to be forced to do something when I'm just not feeling it.

 

That doesn't mean that I never think to myself, "Who's the parent here?" or "Why are we doing as the children dictate?" I don't think you're off-base at all, especially if it happens frequently, or if it drastically cuts into the time you are able to spend with your SO. Thankfully my SO has picked up on it when it has become too often for us, and he has taken steps to keep it from running our weekends and downtime for us.

 

I hope you can find a solution together and work something out soon.

 

Thank you for your input and understanding, I'm sorry you've too had to deal with it as well. In my case it's clearly not a matter of him asking to see if they have anything else planned, don't want to go, etc. as they are younger. I feel more so it's a matter of letting the kids call the shots. One time we were planning to go to dinner with his youngest and though at that time he actually had committed to plans without asking, he did say before leaving "XYZ is coming to dinner with us, is that alright". I just stood there thinking well this could be real awkward if the kid says no it's not alright.

 

I've let him know how I feel and he apologized and said he didn't intentionally mean to make me feel that way, but I don't suspect it will change, perhaps maybe, but I'm not confident.

[startingagain15]

My BF does the same thing but his kids are 15 and 19, so I guess they deserve to have more of a say on what we do together. I do get frustrated that the doing things is dependent on their whim though sometimes.

 

We recently had our first big fight over the fact that he basically stood me up because his kid decided he wanted to go fishing. I don't want to necessarily be put ahead of his kids, but I did tell him that our relationship deserves to come first sometimes and not always dependent upon the decisions of his kids.

 

Idk it's tough, especially seeing that your BF kids are younger it seems like he should be the one to be telling the kids whats going on, not asking for their approval.

[jacarter2016]

My BF does the same thing but his kids are 15 and 19, so I guess they deserve to have more of a say on what we do together. I do get frustrated that the doing things is dependent on their whim though sometimes.

 

We recently had our first big fight over the fact that he basically stood me up because his kid decided he wanted to go fishing. I don't want to necessarily be put ahead of his kids, but I did tell him that our relationship deserves to come first sometimes and not always dependent upon the decisions of his kids.

 

Idk it's tough, especially seeing that your BF kids are younger it seems like he should be the one to be telling the kids whats going on, not asking for their approval.

 

I'm sorry you've had to experience this as well, it's not fun.

 

You're absolutely right, they are younger and as far as I'm concerned he should be the one telling the kids what's going on, not him asking for their approval, which is what he is doing but won't necessarily admit to. I told him today I feel the fate of whether plans materialize or not are dependent on whether his kids say yay or nay and that I don't think that's right. He says he's just giving them a heads up, however he's not just giving them a heads up, because he clearly says to me "I'll ask them" or "I'll check with them" and then never says yes or no until he's finished checking. If he was just running it by them he'd make the decision and then let them know. I'm very conscious of the time he has with them and have done my best since being introduced to them to be sensitive to not overstepping my boundaries with always trying to be around or always trying to make plans with them when he has them so that I'm respectful of his time with them and that he gets that quality one on one time with him. However I don't feel as though the respect is necessarily reciprocated when making plans lies in their hands as far as the decision goes.

[Miss Peach]

My BF is in a similar position with my kiddo. I don't let the kiddo call the shots per se. But I do ask for preferences if we have unwritten plans with BF (maybe offering two options like going to the park or dinner) and feelings about doing something with BF. With mine at least, the kiddo is really sensitive and attached to me. I ask for feedback because I don't want to overwhelm the kiddo with an insta-family dynamic. Sometimes kiddo is threatened or jealous and BF needs to back off a bit.

 

I'm not perfect about it but BF and I both agree kiddo is always #1 and BF should be a close #2. BF doesn't want to hurt my relationship with kiddo and I don't want to move too fast for kiddo and hurt the relaitonship between kiddo and the BF. I also have to balance it with not making the BF feel left out.

 

For me I balanced this so far with asking BF how often he felt he needed to see both of us. I also ask each week whether kiddo wants to spend time with BF and for feedback on how the time went afterward. We always make some time for BF but I also need to make sure kiddo has enough alone time with me or it can get ugly.

[noelle303]

I'm a single mom and while my daughter is only 5 and doesn't meet the men I date (and won't for a long time), one day when she does I plan on doing the same as your SO.

 

It's not about kids calling the shots, but it's a matter of giving them a choice and some sense of control about the people entering their life. I don't want my daughter to feel like someone has entered her life and she has no say in it. The two of us have a life and a home together and I feel like running these things by her will help her feel more secure.