Dating an only child

[planb1973]

My most recent ex girlfriend was an only child. Issues I had in the relationship was that everything was about her as in she was so used to getting what she wanted and didn't compromise much. I also remember her telling me she had never had her heart broken, which always concerned me.

 

So last night I went on a very pleasant date with this woman who is an only child. During the conversation we were talking about relationships she mentioned something along the lines of being a typical only child and that she had never had her heart broken.

 

I don't like to place a stigma on someones birth order, though I am the middle child and the stigma on middle child seems accurate for me.

 

The ex and this new woman are the only only children I have dated. Both have said the same thing, that they have never had their heart broken. At 40 and never having had your heart broken!? I translate that to having never fully invested in someone. Or could it be something common with only children?

[SoThatHappened]

I dated an only child for half of my life (high school sweethearts, on and off through college, moved in together, etc.).

 

She also had a hard time understanding what it's like to not get what you want. Why? Because she got what she wanted her whole life.

 

I tried, somewhat in vain, for years to help her grow out of that priviledged mentality. It's actually what led to me finally breaking up with her (she moved in, refused to help pay the mortgage, bought new vehicles, etc.) and that was the last straw. She was 31 years old by this time, and didn't understand why she should have to help with the mortgage, but went ahead and bought a $30k+ vehicle.

 

Some never escape that mentality. Some do.

 

Never having one's heart broken isn't a defining trait of an only child, but an only child is used to getting what they want... and doesn't understand "not getting what they want."

 

They're not bad people, and I would venture to guess most grow out of it by learning life-lessons, but I would tread carefully if it were me. Especially when she eluded to "being a typical only child." That just screams "brat" to me.

[blackcat777]

Ummm, I was a brat maybe ten years ago, but I grew out of it.

 

It's not like being an only child is this great curse... I live in a wealthy area, deal with a lot of entitled people, and I highly doubt every single entitled person I meet is an only child.

 

Serious question - have you thought about things within yourself that might draw you toward a certain type of woman? Could this be more of a "picker" issue?

[carhill]

The ex and this new woman are the only only children I have dated. Both have said the same thing, that they have never had their heart broken. At 40 and never having had your heart broken!? I translate that to having never fully invested in someone. Or could it be something common with only children?

 

They certainly can say that but it's really unknown if such ever happened or not. Remember, words can be tools and, generally, women are excellent wordsmiths. Communication is their forte.

 

Their words could be true if they led sheltered lives and didn't strike out to independence and take risks in life. Unlikely but possible. This only child experienced heartbreak long before he could legally drink.

 

From being married to a person who had four siblings I found distinct disadvantages in two major areas:

 

1. How to compromise in a manner which respected my own boundaries and desires and stand up for myself.

 

2. How to fight.

 

People with siblings learn at a young age how to fight, whether that be physically or verbally or emotionally, as well as how to keep from being taken advantage of because, well, sure siblings are family but young children are selfish, self-involved beings and learning how to deal with them is good practice for dealing with adults in life. Only children, day to day, only deal with adults in their family so get the refined adult version and not the raw and wild child version. Some learn from peers or by osmosis and others get the stick of life over the head. How things go depends on the individual.

 

My perspective is from that of a male so a female only child may face a completely different set of circumstances and challenges based on gender.

 

Bottom line though - if it doesn't flow, let it go. If the never heartbroken thing is a red flag for you, respect that and move on. I have a similar flag for women my age who go on rants about ex-husbands they've been long divorced from. Next.

[d0nnivain]

I am an only child. I had my heart broken plenty of times. The fact that these two women never had that experience even into mid-life is more outside the norm then any perceived problems from not having siblings.

[SoThatHappened]

blackcat777

 

Like I made sure to mention:

I would venture to guess most grow out of it by learning life-lessons

 

Good on you

[planb1973]

Ummm, I was a brat maybe ten years ago, but I grew out of it.

 

It's not like being an only child is this great curse... I live in a wealthy area, deal with a lot of entitled people, and I highly doubt every single entitled person I meet is an only child.

 

Serious question - have you thought about things within yourself that might draw you toward a certain type of woman? Could this be more of a "picker" issue?

 

I have certainly given that one a lot of thought. I do tend to end up with "needy women." I don't do it on purpose and sometimes it takes months for the neediness to come out. I am a giving person by nature and in one particular toxic relationship became fairly codependent. But have worked hard for years to not allow that anymore. When neediness sets in and I say "NO" relationships fall apart quickly.

 

This new woman was lovely and quite pretty. She is definitely worth a few more dates. I am just curious as I don't want to find myself in a similar situation as the ex.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you are trying to generalize a lot based on two people. I know many people who are only children who've had their hearts broken.

 

 

Also as someone who grew up relatively poor as an only child to a single parent, I think it's a fallacy that all only children are used to getting whatever they want in life, just as it's silly to suggest that a child with siblings who grows up in a wealthy family with two parents isn't used to getting what they want. It's all extremely situational.

[iphone_user1]

I am an only child. I had my heart broken plenty of times. The fact that these two women never had that experience even into mid-life is more outside the norm then any perceived problems from not having siblings.

 

I am an only child (guy) and had my heart broken twice in the past as well. I am more independent than many other people I know with siblings and I do like to share a lot, not selfish at all.

 

All those things they say about being an only child is false.

[introverted1]

Only child here.

 

Had my first heart break at 16, was dumped by a fiance in my 20's, and have had other heart breaks. Guess I have broken a few, too.

 

Seems like something much bigger than birth order going on for these women.

[coolheadal]

I am the baby child in my family of 3 but still only child that means they're different never will know what it is to have brothers or sisters. Those kids tend to be more on their own. Kids from 3 or more no how to handle life a bit better. I say just go with the flow and if you have issues then more on. To me it wouldn't be and issue it would be a welcome! Think of it this way she has you know so she not the only child again.

[Emilia]

I've never dated an only child I don't think. Not by design, just never happened. I can't think of a friend top of my head who doesn't have siblings. I have worked with some over the years however and in my experience they tend to be quite self-absorbed. Not always entitled but very self-focused. Though I noticed similar things being the case with those that were much younger than their siblings, born to slightly older parents.

 

I think there is such thing as having too much attention as a child, yes. Don't know about their heart being broken it's more the self-absorbed mentality I don't tend to like being around.

[Miss Peach]

I am an only child. I had my heart broken plenty of times. The fact that these two women never had that experience even into mid-life is more outside the norm then any perceived problems from not having siblings.

 

Same here. I doubt this is due solely to birth order.

[alphamale]

At 40 and never having had your heart broken!?

that's a big red flag

 

 

I dated a nurse who was an only child. I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy.

[alphamale]

she was, however, very good in the sack.

[planb1973]

I hear all of you that the never heart broken comment was most likely not due to birth order. It just seemed very coincidental that the recent ex and new girl made the same statement.

 

I am raising an only child after all. So sometimes I break his toys and make him cry just so he knows what it is like to have a sibling.

[Buddhist]

My most recent ex girlfriend was an only child. Issues I had in the relationship was that everything was about her as in she was so used to getting what she wanted and didn't compromise much. I also remember her telling me she had never had her heart broken, which always concerned me.

 

Why does it concern you? Jealousy, some other justification?

 

I don't like to place a stigma on someones birth order, though I am the middle child and the stigma on middle child seems accurate for me.

 

Clearly you do otherwise you wouldn't be writing an internet post about it hoping that other people validate your judgements.

 

At 40 and never having had your heart broken!? I translate that to having never fully invested in someone. Or could it be something common with only children?

 

Maybe you should remember it's your translation and not necessarily reality. In any case it sounds like you're hell bent on breaking these hearts out of some kind of misguided idea that no-one should get to midlife without experiencing the same level of heartbreak as you.

 

TBH your post just reads like sour grapes to me.

[Buddhist]

I am raising an only child after all. So sometimes I break his toys and make him cry just so he knows what it is like to have a sibling.

 

Well, you sound like a lovely dad. I don't recall any of my siblings being giant bullies in my life. I guess you did.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Buddhist

[Keats]

I hear all of you that the never heart broken comment was most likely not due to birth order. It just seemed very coincidental that the recent ex and new girl made the same statement.

 

I am raising an only child after all. So sometimes I break his toys and make him cry just so he knows what it is like to have a sibling.

 

WTH? LOL!

 

A good sense of humour.

 

But making him cry. Poor kid.

[tayriley]

i'm an only child and i've had plenty of heartbreak, starting with when my parents separated when i was a child. then moving away from my friends to a different town, then having the love of my life break up with me...

 

it is really silly to think that an only child doesn't go through hardships and are automatically entitled.

 

the only thing i'd say most only-children are is fiercely independent and at least slightly introverted (cause they had to be since they had no other kids around).

 

yes, we have to learn the skill of compromising outside of the family...so we learn it later in life. we have to learn to argue for what we feel is fair. and yes, we are slightly entitled in that we never had to share toys...but all of this we grow up and learn later in life.

 

my only hang up with dating as an only-child is that i fear living with a guy. i have never done it, and if i'm to be totally honest, i never want to. i have no interest in sharing my space with someone else permanently or cleaning or cooking for someone else on a regular basis. it seems draconian to me. this may be a big red flag for some people, but i say whatever makes you happy, do it. and what makes me happy is to not live with anyone else. living with several roommates in college gave me a peek into what that would be like..and no thank you.

 

..i dont think i am alone in this. i think plenty of people who have siblings still have a hard time living with a significant other. it might just be too much intimacy and space-sharing, especially if you are an introvert.

[planb1973]

WTH? LOL!

 

A good sense of humour.

 

But making him cry. Poor kid.

 

Please that was only a joke. I don't make my son cry or break his toys. I might be sarcastic but I am not that type of dad.

[Els]

Stereotypically, there is apparently a downside to any birth order. Youngest and only children share the same stereotype, while middle children and eldest children have their own stereotypical issues. While obviously there is some general truth to stereotypes, you can't really avoid everyone based on that because no birth order is exempt from them.

 

I would be wary of someone who was 40+ and claimed they never had their heart broken though. Either they are lying/in denial, or they have never allowed themselves to grow close to another person. Bad news either way.