I feel sick when I breathe

[JessEmma96]

Hi guys,

 

I'm feeling pretty terrible. I moved to university last September and I found it really hard to settle in whilst I had my boyfriend at home. Before I moved we were so close and so perfect but long distance caused us to hardly communicate with each other. Also before I moved, he found out his mum was having an affair and it deeply destroyed him and his family.

 

What led to our breakup was a series of events. He was constantly depressed over his family breakup and I tried to support him but it was very hard being far away. I missed out on a lot of opportunities to make friends and live the university life style and develop my interests. His depression over his parents divorce made him withdraw from our relationship. When i was home, i came home for a month (December) and he very rarely wanted to see me or spend time with me. When i spent time with him he was snappy and pushed me away. I told him multiple times I felt neglected and he got defensive and said 'so do I'. He then went on holiday with his friends during the time of our anniversary(January) and didn't contact me for a week. He knew i was upset he missed this and he said he would make up for it when he was back, which he did. But what also annoyed me was that back in December when I was home he didn't manage to give me my Christmas present. So he missed our anniversary and didn't give me a Christmas present and ignored me while he was away.

 

He came back with lots of presents and we went out for a nice meal but i just couldnt shake how lonely and how neglected and ugly I had felt by all of this. For everything I have done for him, putting him before my life and neglected me really really angered me. I got so angry with him that I wanted to get back at him. At the end of January I started seeing and sleeping with someone else and I didn't feel guilty at all.

 

It wasn't till it was February that I was done with it. It was coming up to Valentine's Day which is also his birthday and I was talking with him to make plans but he wasnt cooperating very much. It was two weeks before VD and Bday and we hadnt spoken much so i suggested a phone call. One hour into the phone call he said he must go because he wants to watch a TV programme and I said, I havent spoken to you properly for about three days I feel really neglected will you please stay for a bit longer and his reaction was unforgettable. He started screaming and shouting at me and calling me names, I burst out crying at the way he shouting at me over wanting him to actually pay attention to me for once and he kept telling me to shut up. The next day he apologised so many times and said he was embarrassed for the way he spoken to me. I told him I want to forget it, but in my mind I thought revenge. For the week onwards, the person I was seeing when he neglected me, I saw him every night and it satisfied me so much, filled the missing pieces and helped me recover from feeling neglected. Because I was busy every night my boyfriend started to worry and message me, and because I wanted to hurt him I ignored him for the next two weeks including his bday and Vd.

 

A few days after I ended it with my side relationship because when I spent time with him after me ghosting my bf I felt sick with guilt for the things i had done. I realised how this has been all an act of revenge and how he neglected me because he was not satisfied with his life. Despite all this, I loved him so much and he loved me too but it was just so damn hard. I contacted him and we ended up taking things slow but I still felt angry but I felt as thought I didnt want to lose him so i was in a battle of leaving or staying. I was so confused with my life and was so frustrated because I just wanted to settle at university i needed some time to think and i ended up becoming distant with him for a few days. He picked up on this distance and said I dont really know if this is working I feel like you hate me, I think we should just end this right now. And because this hurt me and made me panic i told him that Yeah i think so to and that i've found someone else.

 

This was three months ago and I have been in so much pain ever since. It hurts when i breathe. I dont know what to do because I really would like him in my future when we will not be so far apart geographically. I contacted him the other week and he was saying how he loves me and misses me and hes angry that i cheated but he understands why. He said he didnt know if he wanted me back and he didnt know what he was thinking and asked for space. I gave him it and i recently contacted him again a few days ago. He said he loves me but we will not be getting back together. He doesn't trust me. He's moving further away. He has built up a wall were anything associated with me is filled with hatred. He also said he doesn't want to make himself look stupid after telling his friends and family he has taken back a mug.

 

For some reason I just cannot let go, I have cried almost every day for the past three months and i feel so guilty. Cheating and being revengeful seriously seriously isnt in my character and I feel like my vision has been really clouded the past few months. I feel even worse at the thought that we arent together and that we never will be again. Before I moved to university we had seriously strong feelings and we wanted to marry each other someday.

 

The thing i need help with is getting through this and also understanding some of his last words because i feel as though I am analysing them too much. Some of the things he said were: for the mean time we cannot be together, you cheated and I can't trust you, for the foreseeable future I can't see us being together, I don't want to lose contact with you but we will not get back together, I never ever ever want to be in a relationship I want to be single forever, youre the last girlfriend I will have, you will always have a special place in his heart , and at the end of it he said 'goodbye for now'.

 

This is confusing because I don't know if he is giving me false hope. He said that he cares and loves me still and that it was hard getting through it and it's about time I tried to. When I go to sleep I think about all the things i regret and all the things i could have done to improve our relationship and all the things i coud have done to prevent conflict and i have a terrible need to put it right but i cannot because its actually over. I still cant belive he it is actually over. We had some really bad times but a year before i moved he was my best friend and we both connected on such a deep level and we were so so so comfortable with eachother. He said hes never connected with anyone like this and that the first part of our relationship was some of the happiest memories of his life.

 

I really dont know if i should continue holding on to my love for him or let it go. I know that i really need to work on myself right now, focus on school and focus on getting over my anger towards the failures of our relationship but i really dont know if i should move onto someone else ever. I dont know if i should stay single and stay mentally with the relationship or just completely let go of what we had before we went long distance. the latter i feel is going to be impossible, thoughts of other people or moving on now make me feel sick, i cant look at another man, I have such a desperate longing to show him that We can work to be like how we were before I moved either now if we communicate with great effort or maybe in the future.

 

I know this is really long, and i know you may think this is so complex and not worth anyones time and that im young and stupid, but i did really love him so so much before all this hate started. We were best of friends and had the time of our lives together, everytime we saw eachother even after a year we were nervous, we would stay up all night when i stayed over and talk for hours and hours about really deep intelligent things. We had brought out the best in eachother and also brought out the compleate worse in eachother and I dont know if I should fight for it or give up. I love him with all my heart and soul and I would love to move to where he is moving so i can show him and love him. I am so devestated what has happened and I feel like i have only just woken up from a bad dream. I dont know who ive been for the past few months but i know im not a horrible person and i really would love to love him the way i did once. Please guide me

[d0nnivain]

You are young but you are not stupid, just inexperienced. You need to let go. The "strong feelings" you had were probably very intense but that doesn't mean some feeling you had as a teen has to guide your life as adult.

 

He was a childhood sweetheart & that will always be a special thing. But by trying to hang on to your past, you are ruining your present. You are missing out on school. You are crying all the time.

 

You already cheated on him. There is not much for you to go back to.

The "confusing" things he said to you were simply things that show he is a fundamentally nice person. He didn't want to make things worse but he really isn't coming back. Once the trust is gone, there is nothing left.

 

Grieve the loss of your relationship but accept that it's done. Take some time to heal then get on with your life.

[JessEmma96]

My ex texted me two days ago that he had a dream he woke up next to me, and when he actually woke up and i wasn't there he was extremely sad. He said he misses me and he knows that he will never find anyone like me. He also said that maybe when the circumstances are right we can reconnect (we broke up because of long distance problems). I told him I missed him too and as he was telling me how depressed and upset he was, i said maybe you should think if you want to get back with me. He said he will have a think and talk to me later but it has been two days and nothing. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me and that he misses me, so why is it taking him so long to decide?

[Chrisal23]

Hi JessEmma96,

 

I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in, since I know it can bring you down big time. Even if your ex decides to take you back tomorrow would you let that happen? From the looks of it most likely so , since you'll feel happy again. The thing is though that you have to respect yourself and love yourself before anyone else. What's happening in the big picture is that you're becoming an option for your ex not a choice.

 

If I loved a girl and wanted to be with her , she would;t have to ask me cause I would already be there with her. Your ex probably felt guilty but is unsure if he wants to be with you, otherwise he would of called you right?

 

Life is too short to be around people who don't reciprocate your thoughts and feelings. My advice is to work on being happy alone and meet new people. Don't sit and wait wondering why your ex is taking long! Think and believe that it's his loss for taking long to decide. Don't be someone's option , be someone's choice!

 

Good luck

[privategal]

Just because you dearly miss someone doesnt mean its right.

While in it you felt alone, worried, anxious and rejected.

Sure you feel alone and miss him but you both needed uninterrupted time alone to experience life, new friends/people/experiences/memories.

Because he was not a mature, supportive, conmunicating partner that encouraged you to spread your wings and join clubs, sororities, have fun...you closed your mind and heart to the new...fun...adventure and you lived in your thoughts back home and solely on him as he gave you no reassurance when you needed him most to know things were ok, still solid and you were both getting support and love.

He pushed you away, left you guessing, worried, insecure and stole your innocent new college experience.

I say...too little too late from HIM.

No matter what HE decides...YOU are the one in control with the world at your fingertips, and so much fun to be had while he sits and stews "deciding" if you are a 'worthy' second chance?

Ummmm....no thanks.

You tried...you came home a month...you did cheat was your one mistake but what were you cheating on?

He didnt want time, or to connect, let you know you were missed...then ignored a week?

I wouldve cheated too ehr..I would have dumped him.

Sorry but if you WANT your girlfriend..you act like it.

Block him...who cares about his decision...go to games, parties, trips, study abroad, experiment, date, join clubs.

Its over. Let him be your past. He held you back long enough. Cut all ties.

[JessEmma96]

wow privategal... i feel like you have just told me exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you so much

[lalalandman]

I usually don't jump in when girls on LS gang together like an episode of the Wendy Williams show, but I have to say, men equally do not do well with rejection, at all. As bad as we want to keep our girlfriend, we also have our ego and pride. It just sounds like there was a breakdown due to distance and its best you just take some time to cool off. You both did things wrong. Time will tell, but don't demonize the man.

[JessEmma96]

I have severed all ties but I am feeling an intense amount of anger and i feel like i just want to explode and have a huge go at him for why this all happened and why he stopped treating me well. I don't know how to deal with this anger i have been feeling it all day and it's affecting me physically. This has been going on for five months now, the constant 'i miss you but i dont want you' randomly giving me false hope and treating me ****, five months and I am angry and I am sick of it and I want all these feelings to just go away. Please could you offer some kind of advice? i'm finding it impossible to think about anything else at the moment.

[bummer]

It will take time to work through the anger and some guilt and other emotions. You have time, you haven't graduated yet so go meet people, join clubs, be a good friend to someone else, and enjoy the chance to interact with so many young people.

 

Please please please go full NC if you haven't. Five months of crumbs would drive me mad too so block him completely and live your life where you are and let him live his where he is.